Oh boy, decided to hash it out with difficult child and it is NOT going well. I walked away+

[wastedpotential]

Sig,
There have been times when I had to step away, and husband handled things, because I just couldn't anymore. I needed an emotional break. It was that, or literally, a breakdown. Hugs to you.
Wastedpotential

 

[Signorina]

I think I've been played. And the thought is making me want to barf.

Spent yesterday driving difficult child from post office to bank to bank -paying off his past due rent, credit cards, line of credit etc. To the tune of about $2300.

On the way into bank 1... "Why do I have to close the account?" Can't I just keep it? I explained that closing it is the only way to prevent his landlord from continuing to debit it for his rent - which is creating past due & NSF fees up the ying yang.

On the way to bank 2... Me: "When do you want to drive up to college town to clean out your apt?" difficult child "I don't want to. I am still planning to go up there to visit and I don't want to have to haul everything home only to bring it back to my new apt next year" ME: "we have to terminate your lease, so your stuff needs to be out - this way you are protected just in case one of your roommates burns the place down or something"

Arrive at bank 2 "Why do I have to close the accounts? I want to keep them open..." Me (again) "Because I am not paying off your 1100 credit card debt, $500 overdraft and NSF fees and leaving the accounts open. Plus, your credit history will show the accounts were closed by consumer which will look better in the long run."

difficult child and I have a nice lunch. I am starting to feel slightly hopeful.

I didn't realize that by paying off both banks by personal check, I was delaying the closing of all accounts until the checks clear. And even without the lag, I am guessing there is nothing to stop him from opening a new account and visa and running them up again.

H to difficult child last night: "Community college classes start tomorrow - you will need to get registered so you can start ASAP and not lose too much ground. " Goes over like a lead balloon. Apparently, he spent 2 hours convincing difficult child that going to local CC would be a good thing. difficult child thinks it is beneath him. They make plans for H to take difficult child to register at 1:00 today.

12:00 Today, difficult child tells H he is NOT registering at CC. H tries to talk him into it again and fails. difficult child plans to go back to college town and go to the CC in college town (like we believe that!) while living the "college life" in his apartment - the apartment on which I just paid all of the back rent. H reminds difficult child that he just failed all his classes at college - and obviously "the college life in own apt" hasn't worked out for him. difficult child tells h it's OUR fault because we put so much financial pressure on him and he is not going to live at home and go to community college here. H tells him to think about it and the time has just kept passing.

I am going to throw up. First I need to stop pay on the rent check. Thank God I didn't get the cashier's check that difficult child told me they would want.

 

[FlowerGarden]

Signorina, so sorry you had a rough day. Sounds like difficult child had this all planned out. Our difficult children are good at playing us. They are always blaming us and others for their problems. They are never at fault. I wonder how your difficult child thinks he will pay for the rent on the apt. or even the classes he wants to take. Maybe you need to let him go and to try to make it on his own so he will see he cannot do it. Hopefully he will hit bottom and realize he needs help. Sorry I don't have more encouraging advice.

 

[susiestar]

Stop payment on ALL the checks, not just the rent one. I know it will be hard and difficult child will get ugly. Part of being 18 and an "adult" who can "make his own decisions" is supporting himself and paying his debts. You have got to let him make this choice and NOT pad it. I KNOW it hurts. I KNOW he will say HORRIBLE things and it will HURT and you would probably hurt less if he just shot you with a gun that kept sayign this stuff.

What he is saying is a way to manipulate you into paying his bills so he can go party. If CC is so "beneath" him then he SHOULDN"T go there. The CC is full of people who want to learn and are not beneath learning in ANY environment. WHAT, exactly, does he think makes him too good for CC? His extensive use of pot? His extensive knowledge of what? His experience in life? His achievements in a 4 yr university? WHAT?

This isn't going to be an easy lesson for any of you. He is NOT the son you raised right now. He is a drug user and drug addict and the drugs are doing the talking. He KNEW you would not buy hsi story that it was all due to Andy's breakdown. So he got you out of the room and "confessed" to your husband. That isn't uncommon. I have heard guys in AA talk about how they knew one parent wouldn't buy their story so they found a way to tell the other parent and got support for their addiction that way. I also know poeple who told other drug/alcohold abusers to go and do that. I am sure his friends made some suggestions as a way to help with his bills.

Cancel ALL the checks to his creditors. Tell him he owes you the cancelled check fees and the ONLY way he will continue to live at home is to give up the apartment, get into counselling, get a JOB and go to the local CC. IF he is TOO GOOD for that, then he is TOO GOOD for your $$$$ and he can go solve this stuff by himself with all his experience and too goodness.

I KNOW this is HARD to do and I sound HARD. But if you pay these bills for him then he won't learn ANYTHING. He now thinks he has won, you have paid his bills and he can return to doing whatever he wants. He would have been MUCH smarter to register for CC and drop out later - leaving you out that $$ too.

That CD is a non-issue. It is a way to distract you from the real problem - the drug use lifestyle he has chosen. If drugs are not so bad and he isn't doing anything wrong, why can he not pay his bills and support himself? If drugs are such a GOOD thing in his life, why did things turn to yuck when he got into that lifestyle?

He needs help but you have to play hardball to make it happen. IF you let him have the $$ for the bills, he will NOT change. Make him PROVE he is going to therapy, living drug free (multiple random drug tests at home) working the 12 steps/a recovery program, working at a job AND taking 1 or maybe 2 classes at a time and getting good grades at the CC.

If he isn't ready to be clean, sober and in recovery, the he isn't ready to live at home and spend your $$. It needs to be the bottom line. I am sorry it hurts so much.

PLEASE, for your other kids, do NOT let him live at home and cause chaos. The other kids need to know they matter as much as he does and that you will NOT tolerate him turning their lives upside down because he wants to do drugs and is too good to go to the community college. You do him and them no favors by putting his problems above their welfare. I lived that life, and it did NOT do good things for my long term relationship with my parents. I resented it then and we work HARD to deal with now because I have little trust in their ability to put even my kids above my bro's gfgness. You dont' want that. They are special and wonderful too and need to be protected from his life choices right now. I know it sounds harsh, but parenting isn't easy or fun lots of the times. They are still minors and don't have the options he does. If he makes bad choices he has to suffer or he won't change and they shouldn't suffer because he made bad choices. It is hard to balance.

(((((hugs))))) I am so sorry.

 

[Nancy]

Oh Sig I'm sorry. It certainly sounds like he is holding back more of the story. At this point I think you and husband should cut him loose. He has no intention of coming home and being a good boy. I agree with FlowerGarden, he had this planned out. I would not give him one more penny. Make sure all his bank accounts are seperate from yours. Last year after we kicked difficult child out of the house, she went to the bank to have our name taken off her bank account. They needed my permission and I would not give it since it was tied to our bank account and if she overdrew it I did not want them coming back to us. So I went to the bank and closed the account, took the $11 she had in it and sent it to her at the drug house she was staying in. She was livid because she had to open up her own account and was no longer put under our protection of no fees and minimum balance. Oh well.

I'm really sorry. I think it's time to let him find out what it's like to be responsible for himself. If he thought he was under pressure before, just wait. And do not even think about giving him one penny from that CD. It is now yours.

Nancy

 

[Kathy813]

Sig, my difficult child played us for years. She was always going back to college or had a new job that she was about to start (but never materialized). She also played the mental health card for years all the while she was selling and abusing the pills that she "needed" for her mental health issues.

It was only after we finally kicked her out again (at age 26 after stealing twice from us in a very short period) that she was forced to go into rehab. She fought it tooth and nail. She told that she didn't have a problem and we were the "crazy" ones. She tried all sorts of things to get us to give in and let her live here again and it was only after she finally realized we weren't giving in that she checked herself into a 30 day rehab. She even told us that she was only going to get a "rest" and show us that she didn't have a substance abuse problem.

She changed her tune while there and came out calling herself an addict. The next fight was the halfway house. She thought she could come right back home after rehab despite us telling her all along that that was not going to happen. She was desperate and pulled the running car in the garage manipulative suicide trick. I think you might have been here for that one. She pulled out all of the stops but again we didn't give in. Since she had no where else to go, she finally found the halfway house where she is living now.

I'm telling you all of this because my difficult child is finally starting to show some emotional growth and maturity. She still has a long way to go but I am sure that she would still be living here, using drugs, and stealing from us if we hadn't finally drawn the line in the stand.

I wish that we had done it at your difficult child's age. Maybe she could have gotten back on track years ago.

I won't kid you. It won't be a pretty ride but we will be here supporting you all the way.

~Kathy

 

[buddy]

Sorry sig.... hoping tomorrow brings better times....

 

[Signorina]

Thanks for the support and the encouragement. I just stopped payment on the rent check -- too late to do so on the Visa and bank overdrafts - they had all ready cleared.

H was adamant that we clarify his plans before I stopped payment. Texted him at his girlfriend's and he would not give me a straight answer. Kept stating he wanted to sleep on it, it was a decision that deserved much thought about "what is best for his education" and I should go to bed and we would talk tomorrow. It was all the answer I needed. I am finally getting jaded enough to realize that he was trying to string me along - long enough to let the rent check clear too.

The sh!t is about to hit the fan and I feel like I am living in a bad dream.

 

[Nancy]

It is a nightmare Sig. There were times last year when I thought it couldn't possibly get any worse and yet it did. I know we can't make it better but we understand and we are here to listen.

Nancy

 

[Signorina]

Thanks Nancy. I know you've been here. And I so appreciate the candid responses from everyone. It's the tough love that I need so I can see the truth. I can't imagine where I would be without you all. So many times, I've come here looking for a translation of difficult child's behavior and each and every time - I've been given the right insight. And while I hate that all of you have been in my shoes (no mom should feel like this), I am so encouraged that you haven't fallen apart. And it gives me hope that I will survive and even thrive someday.

I read over the thread and it's hard to believe that so much has transpired since I fled to my room 2 short days ago. The despair, the false hope and now the sinking reality-highs and lows in 48 hours. This is no way to live.

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs))))) You are right. NO mom should go through this. I am so sorry that drugs have taken over his life this way. I am sure you are right about him trying to string you along for the rent check to clear. He made this decision before he ever told you about the debts.

I really hope that in time he can see what a disaster he is creating and he can figure out that it cannot get better until he gets clean and sober. In the meantime, what can you do for YOUR sanity and recovery? What can you do to help your other sons? Have you taken them to an alateen meeting? It would likely be a good idea. Your son is GOING to use them to get whatever he can. If he stays around your home they will probably notice their things have gone missing - stolen by him and sold to buy drugs, etc.... They NEED the straight story and may have very valuable information that you don't have. Either way, they NEED to get help to understand all that is happening to their much loved big brother. If you don't give them the info, they will make their own conclusions and it might or might not be the truth. It might seem to htem that you are unreasonable and it isn't the drugs causing the problem but instead it is your "lack of love and support" or "unreasonable demands" of difficult child - all depending on what he tells them.

PLEASE get them some help from a therapist and take them to alateen so they can start to learn about the FAMILY disease that now inhabits ALL OF YOU, not just difficult child. Otherwise they could end up idolizing him and his druggie ways because they seem "fun" and "glamorous" even though we all know they are NOT.

 

[rejectedmom]

Sig, I too have been in your shoes. I am so sorry that your son is lying and manipulating you and your husband this way. In my experience giving them the benifit of the doubt always backfires when they are using. So all you can do now is learn from this and move on. Get your husband onboard and do not let difficult child divide and conquer. difficult children are very good at that. in my opinion, It is time for you to cut him off completely. It is so hard on us emotionally when we are trying to protect our difficult child's from themselves and all they do is rebel and use our good intentions for their own agenda.

 

[Signorina]

He's gone. He left. I grabbed pc14 and am running errands. Couldn't stand to watch him leave again.

 

[Nancy]

Ugh. I'm sorry Sig. He is getting desperate, you are not going along with his plan. Stay strong it's his best chance for eventually getting help. I know the pain is excrutiating.

Hugs,
Nancy

 

[susiestar]

(((((hugs)))))