One last post and I will leave you alone ;)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by BusynMember, Apr 26, 2019.

  1. 200Meters

    200Meters A real bustard

    Do you think that there might be cause for seeking custody of your grandson on the grounds hat your daughter & Lee are unfit parents, or at least removing him from their custody?
     
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    CPS has been called on them a few time for domestic violence and the baby was right there screaming and nothing was done. So no. The burden is ridiculous to lose custody of a child. We have discussed it with Lee's parents.
     
  3. 200Meters

    200Meters A real bustard

    Have you & Lee's parents discussed this with a qualified attorney?
     
  4. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    They did.

    We are too old to raise a baby to adulthood properly and we plan to travel a lot too. We would not be the one seeking custody.


    Lee's parents were told that right now, with Lee working and the baby fed and not being abused physically, that it would be a very costly uphill battle. Neither of us have the kind of money he was quoted. Or half that amount.

    I think between the two of our families we have done all we can.

    Right now we are trying to put this behind us and not let Kay ruin our future. She has, on and off, dominated too much of our lives already. Not to mention all of our retirement money we gave both of them years ago. We are going to enjoy our retirement and do not feel up to raising another child who will be 14 when we are 70. We both have health issues and need to live in a calm place, and my precious grandson is very volitile and doesnt sleep well. Call us selfish, but we can't do it.

    I hope they have no more children.
     
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    My step-brother and his wife are raising their two oldest grandkids right now (ages 9 & 11). They are around fifty years old, and it is almost too much for them (my brother is disabled). The younger one has some problems and I worry about the teen years coming up. The parents gave these two (of their five kids) to the grandparents “temporarily” but it seems more permanent every day, and they don’t want to go back. They said that they can’t take the younger three under any circumstances. The other (healthier) grandparents have had those kids on and off, but they are not in a position to keep them long-term.

    There is no way that the courts would take away custody from the parents when they haven’t ever been charged with anything or have never had the kids taken away from them by the state. They would probably view you unfavorably for even trying.

    Our difficult adult kids have a way of dominating our lives if we let them. I’m glad you see that and are taking steps to extricate yourselves.

    Apple
     
  6. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    I think so too. Now I think their home environment is terrible with pot smoke in my grandson's face and them slapping each other when they get mad and the weird lack of healthcare. But it's not up to me. And CPS found them not guilty twice.

    Yet our sweet grandson sucks his thumb and wants us to hold him all the time when we are there so something is wrong, but we cant prove anything. I worry about him so but Kay and Lee are not going to lose their parental rights.

    We are nearing 60 and my husband has diabetes and I have fibromyalgia. We just can't do it. I get very sore and tired and my husband needs to be diligent about his diet and exercise. Lee's parents are in their earlier 50's (had Lee young) and are healthy, but his mother has had nervous breakdowns.

    Poor little man.
     
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You can have gentle boundaries. You can prepare stuff to say in advance. Like. I just remembered something. I've got to go.

    Or you can say. I don't want to upset you.

    You can think about it and find ways to create space on your terms for when she's agitated. It isn't good for her either to get in these states states.
     
  8. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Thanks. I am.
     
  9. 200Meters

    200Meters A real bustard

    No, I call you realistic.

    There is a limit to how much we can bend over backwards for unappreciative offspring.
     
  10. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    It sounds like you can't win no matter what you do and it sounds exhausting.

    I don't think it is good to worry that if you don't take her abuse, she'll cut you off. I would not let my child abuse me and if they cut me off then so be it.

    I say that with the experience of having all but cut off our youngest son due to his behavior for many years.

    We are all good now and living again as a family. But I do not have any regrets because I matter too! And my son does not hold it against me.

    You have gotten excellent advice.
     
  11. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    RN, yes, I have. I am so grateful to all of you.

    I may need a grief group if she cuts me out but all there is here are twelve step programs as grief here means death only. They could help me as God is my anchor. My husband too.

    I will do my best not to grovel or allow abuse. I will see if she contacts me. If not, then I am not surecontacting her is avood idea and I will be back for more.
     
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Yes prayer works for me. My faith has really carried me through this and continues to.
     
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  13. 200Meters

    200Meters A real bustard

    What RN0441 said.
     
  14. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    My son is big on "His own thinking" no matter how warped, he always thinks he's right. I have found it best to just let him ramble. I do not engage into conversation with him. I keep my comments very simple. I do not try and share my point of view as it's pointless and only adds fuel to his fury. As I said, he always thinks he's right and will argue ad-nauseam, he just won't give up or give in. When he goes on one of his rants what I hear in my head is the teacher from Charlie Brown. "wa wa wa wa, wa wa, wa wa wa wa"

    My suggestion is to say something like "thank you for sharing your insight on this subject" this way you are validating that you heard her but also not agreeing with her.

    Unfortunately you have zero say or control in how she and her husband choose to raise their child.
     
  15. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Already explained. She expects feedback or she says I'm not supportive. She doesnt accept those pat answers. If she did, I wouldnt be here.

    Its so hard. Nothing that is normal works.
     
  16. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Maybe the drug got to her head - the other post you had indicated some things that would possibly explain her behavior.

    Also interesting that his family also sees the problem. So it's obviously not "YOU".
     
  17. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Yes, they have had horrible problems with Lee. But Lee and Kay don't see themselves as problems. You know the story.
     
  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You could say something like: I really don't understand the ins and outs of it. If she pushes keep saying it.
     
  19. BusynMember

    BusynMember Active Member

    Lol. Then she will spend two hours explaining.