One Year Later-lots has happened, nothing has changed, at the end of my rope

[Albatross]

Oh good news, Scott. Have been thinking a lot about your situation the last couple of days. I'm so glad your wife was receptive to what you were saying and you were able to connect over those points. Taking it one day at a time is all any of us can do. Wishing you both the very best.

 

[Childofmine]

Hi Scott, so glad to hear the outcome of your talk and that you and your wife are going to work on your marriage. That is great news in and of itself! Realizing that now the real work begins, I think it's good to stop and realize that this is a success and a victory.

I have considered counseling on my own, but not sure how helpful that would be without her involved.

Scott, it would help you tremendously, and as you go, and share some of what happens there with your wife, in time she might be willing to join you there.

Counseling with a good counselor is always helpful. It is so gratifying to talk with someone who just listens and then guides and directs to new ways of healthy thinking.

With all you have been through, like you said, there is a lot of work to be done: forgiveness, renewal of your marriage, grief over difficult child and I'm sure, more, like there is for all of us.

And likely, you will need to forgive yourself.

It's incredible what we endure and the damage that is done to so many by living with addiction.

It sounds like your son has many good qualities but he has been unable to loosen the grip of his disease. There is always hope, and it is, of course, completely up to him.

Wishing you forward progress, Scott.

 

[recoveringenabler]

That was an honest and sincere post Scott, you sound as if you've said and done all that we humans can say and do. I applaud your honesty with your wife. It's so difficult when two people have different viewpoints about what is right and what is not. I hope your wife keeps her end of the bargain and I can understand your trepidation, I know first hand how devastating it is to detach from our kids.........

As Cedar and COM have mentioned, it's important to get out of the 'usual' stuff we are engaged in with our difficult child's. My SO and I went out every single Saturday for almost 2 years, just to get out of Dodge. We went to the ocean, to the city, on long drives, long hikes, strolls through small town events, anywhere really, just to get away. It was so helpful to me. We would talk about my daughter for awhile and then let it go and enjoy the rest of the day. We planned weekend get-a-ways, often. We had dates where we would have dinner out once a week. In long term relationships, I agree that you have to ignite some fun and passion, joy and laughter, you have to make that happen. And, with a difficult child, you have to get away, out of the house, out of town. Those Saturdays have now become a regular part of our lives, we hit the road every weekend. Now that the worst is over and we're back on level ground, now it's just all fun.

It's easy to forget how to have fun, how to laugh, how to simply enjoy each others company. difficult child's suck all the air, energy, vitality and every ounce of fun out of us........I hope you and your wife can protect what you have. But, if you can't, then you're on a new path. There are casualties on this difficult child journey and relationships with our significant other, can be one of those casualties. I hope that isn't the case, but it is certainly understandable.

I wish you the best of luck Scott. You are earnest and loyal, honest, realistic and sensitive, you're a good guy and I sincerely hope it works out with your wife.

 

[catbee]

Scott, as you are painfully aware, your wife needs to be on the same page as you. First off, I would highly recommend you join a support group where you can VENT your frustrations and receive support from other parents who have similar challenges (even better if your wife went too).We belong to a parent support group called BILY (Because I Love You--there are chapters throughout the U.S.); we meet weekly. We have many parents who's adult children are the reason they attend. Support from others who really know what you are going through, saved my life. I was at the end of my rope with- our (then) 15yr old daughter and I really wasn't sure if I wanted to live anymore. I'm a strong person but I was worn down by years of constant conflict and a very real fear for my daughter's safety.Cutting ties completely with the (adult) child is often necessary, otherwise you (and eventually your wife), will go down with the ship. The 'enabling' spouse enables because they are so fearful of what will happen to their child if they don't 'help' them... It's a vicious cycle. I'm not you, but if it were me, I would first find a support group (you're gonna need others to help you stay strong), then give my spouse an ultimatum to either stop the enabling and get help, OR, to expect a seperation until he/she does. I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I believe there is hope, providing your wife cuts the ties alongside you. In the meantime, we are here to listen and to help and encourage you through this. As my wise mother in law always said, "tie another knot to the end of your rope and hang on tighter".

 

[BusynMember]

Catbee, sounds like you've been through a lot. If you like, you may want to p ost your own thread and your own story here so we get to "know" you and your journey. Just click on "New Thread."

Glad to "Meet" you