Our 12y/o son

[Dot]

hi - this is my first posting here. My son is our youngest of 4 boys and he has been difficult since the day he was born. We are a blended family but he’s very close to his two half brothers and close in age too. We have always had easy friendly relations with my husbands ex and a tremendous amount of contact with the boys, so no dramas there. We have not had him formally assessed but I’m sure he has maybe ODD, ADHD. His main problem seems to be with me unfortunately and he is daily abusive, demanding and bullying towards me. He only behaves for my husband. He got himself expelled from school last June for bringing marijuana into school - he was 11 at the time, and we’ve been home schooling him since. We had no idea he had MJ and were totally shocked but his expulsion came off the back of 4 years of difficult behaviour at school so we weren’t surprised they took that decision. He suffers attention deficit, he’s disruptive, has manic energy, talks non stop constantly, obsessively focuses on one thing until moving onto the next, swears, shouts at me and has started physically pushing me around. All he talks about at the moment is wanting to smoke weed and drink alcohol and be in a gang. He’s terribly immature sometimes but is now 5ft 8 and looks 16.
We have taken the unusual step of not letting him have a mobile phone which he hates us for, but any time we’ve allowed him internet access (he borrows my phone) he’s accessed porn and drug sites and has also been bullying an ex-friend on social media so much so his father threatened to come round and fight us! Basically he’s 12 going on 10 but the size of an adult and he’s taking out his anger on me.
I’m so worried about the next few years and what they could bring, he’s so badly behaved already. My husband and I work hard every single day with him to try and keep him under control, help him think about his choices, understand consequences. What more can we do? We believe that being really strict with him and having close, tight boundaries is key, but I just don’t know how to deal with his treatment of me. I feel so down about it. Any advice?

 

[Sam3]

Hi. It's been a long time, and yet he's so young. At that size, he's probably also going through early puberty and the testosterone can't be helping. In my sons treatment program there were two boys who were very prematurely mature looking, who had also kind of identified with a street element. Their parents thought it was a contributing factor -- a boy in a mans body and the weird expectations and regard that can come with that.

I would imagine porn exposure/addiction for someone so emotionally immature would make it difficult to feel anything but self-loathing around your mother. And I've read it can disregulate dopamine production, which is already an issue with ADHD.

Does he see a therapist or psychiatrist? Is he medicated?

I don't know what has been tried, but there are programs designed for parents of kids with ODD that are supposed to be helpful in reducing conflict in the home and in reducing the likelihood that the behavior develops into full blown conduct disorder.

There are also wilderness programs and therapeutic boarding schools and state interventions.

 

[Triedntrue]

I would definitely suggest some intervention from professionals. Also monitor how his siblings feel. he may be bullying them behind your back. My younger sons moved out of town after college because they didn't want to be around their brother and resent me for the time i had to spend with him. He also had behavioral problems from a younger age. It breaks my heart and to be honest i resent that my relationship with them is strained because of him. It caused problems during social events as well. He was not invited to his brothers wedding which people thought was strange. We are not always aware and maybe he isnt now but that could change. I am also the recipient of most of my sons angry outbursts but he also only talks to me . he does not get along with my husband. You need to protect yourself and if necessary you other kids.

 

[RN0441]

Hi Dot and welcome.

I have not dealt with this but I also wonder about the other children in your home. Is this boy your biological son and your husband is step-father?

It is possible that he can live with his father? I agree he needs intervention of some type.

Hang in there. Others will be along that have probably dealt with this and have some experience.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Just wanted to point out that the Emeritus forum is about adult children over 18. Not that you will be chastised for this but will probably get more responses from the General Parenting forum. As far as your son goes, I'd say a good start would be to get him professionally assessed and seek help from there. He is still young enough that you can make him go to counseling and what not. We deluded ourselves with our son till he was old enough that we no longer had that option.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

I replied to your previous post as well....your son is going down the same road as my DS, which trust me, is not a road any family wants to go down. Every member of our family (except for me) has been assaulted physically by my 6'6", 250+ pound DS. My wife was strangled by him and sustained an injury to her eye which thankfully, resolved.

He did not get the help he needed when he was younger. Nobody wanted to believe he was 'that bad'. But he was and he is. He is a danger to himself and others. Your son is, too.

Getting him assessed is definitely a must, and as I said earlier, refusing to tolerate abusiveness from him is also a must, even if it means he doesn't live under your roof.