35???
My troubled son is 36. If he ever goes to jail he stays in jail. I'm 61 and I want to enjoy the rest of my life. I won't let any of my adult children ruin my health anymore nor should you or your husband. You've done all you can for him and he's a middle aged man now and still doing things that he knows will land him in jail. Guess what? If you don't go to a court date, you can go to jail. He knows this. And of course he will ask for money that you don't have. difficult children are selfish to the end and they don't care about our welfare, only their own. If he got clean and had a job, he'd have money.
I don't believe it helps our grown children, especially those already in their 30's, to throw money at them. My adult kids are expected not to break the law. If they do, they pay the price. We didn't even get lawyers to help our daughter when she used drugs in her high school years. We wanted her to understand that if she contnued this way, she would not get help from us and whatever the consequences were, she'd have to face them without a rescue. She was on parole twice and we did not try to get her out of trouble. She quit using drugs. Not saying that works for all addicts, but it worked for us. I cried a lot in secret, but I did it...I didn't want to contribute one dime to my daughter's self-destruction. THAT would have made me feel guilty. We made her leave after she was found having a gala drug party in our house when she thought we'd be out of town. I don't regret it, she isn't mad at me now, and actually we are going to visit her this weekend...and our new grandbaby. She has been clean for ten years now.
I suggest a twelve step program for you and hubby, like Al-Anon, or a private therapist. Who is he going to call when you and your husband are gone? And he is making it sooner rather than later. I hope you can start the path of detachment now; today so that you can have a wonderful Golden Years.
Of course, this is just my advice; others may have different advice, but...
1/Don't bail him out. He's a man now and he won't have any incentive to quit using if you keep "rescuing" him.
He still may not quit, but it should be on him at his age, not your bank account.
2/Don't let him live with you. That can't be healthy for you or your husband and it isn't good for him either. It again gives him a way to have a cozy home while doing drugs and forgetting the fact that he has a baby and a girlfriend he needs to be a man for.
3/Don't hand him money. You need the money. He needs a job.
4/Keep contact minimal for now. Drug users and personality disordered adults know exactly wh at to say and do to tug at our heartstrings and get us to do whatever they demand.
Don't let your son own the power over your life. Bet he has been verbally abusive to you when you have said no in the past. Bet also he has stolen from you. Maybe he has even hit you.
You can't save him. But you can change YOUR reaction to him so that you can live your life in peace. You must have other loved ones who are appalled by his behavior and want you to stop taking care of this man as if he were a little boy. Bet he gets ten times the attention the other loved ones get. They always do. They are emotional vampires. You are at an age where it's time to put YOURSELF first. If you don't, you may not be around to help at all and the family will still have to do without you. Has your son expressed concern for your health other than how it relates to him and his situation? I ask because most difficult children don't really think about anyone but themselves.
Hugs galore and I hope you can begin your journey to freedom. A good first step? Read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty.
