Please help with our decision to bail 35 yr old son out of jail..

[overwhelmed since76]

I usually do not make comments because I am still in a very vulnerable place myself right now. My difficult child is 38, has a mild intellectual disability and is an alcoholic. In august he went on a 30 day self destruct mode because his girlfriend went to jail. I won't go into too much detail again, as I've already posted my dilemma. Anyway, I absolutely know EXACTLY how you feel. My son will be doing some jail time for a dui. it won't be a question of bailing him out, but he will cry and act like a baby. Also, since he lost his job, and had no income, he is going to be begging me for money. He may become homeless, and this will be the first time. He just moved out of our home last year. He was breaking rules and coming home with alcohol on his breath. My husband says he is not allowed to move home. We've reached the point where we have decided to let him hit bottom. It is going to be very hard to do. I know how you feel...believe me I do. Let's you and I stick together and tough this out. It seems that we are both kind of at the same place right now....struggling. I also had some health issues recently, (pulmonary embolism). Mid west mom is correct....he never cares how much he upsets me...if he does, he certainly doesn't show it.

 

[overwhelmed since76]

I did want to mention that I don't think county jail is as horrible as he is letting on to you. I'm sure he is preying on your soft heart....just like my difficult child does

 

[InsaneCdn]

His trial date is 8/17.

He's been in jail for a month, and the trial is just over one week away. Why would you bail him out now? What positive is going to be accomplished by doing so? What potential negatives could come out of it?

 

[SeaGenieTx]

God bless you Laura, I know this is incredibly painful and difficult for you. I think you are doing the right thing by not bailing him out. My son has been to jail three times for pot possession, I bailed him out each time. He has not learned anything, I will not bail him out again. My brother, an alcoholic, became homeless & went to jail several times, I refused to help him - he just wanted my money for beer and cigarrettes. He was found dead behind a dumpster (drank himself to death). Its pitiful when people you love self destruct. You can NOT take on their impending doom. Unless they want to help themselves and change, become better people, there is nothing we can do to help. I too never dreamed my son would be a worthless pot head at age 23. He has no goals in life except to get stoned out of his mind every day and party at night. You must detach - hardest thing in the world to do (especially for me as I have no other family). I spent the last 4 years enabling my son. I kicked him out last week, changed the locks... Im done. Until he changes I want nothing to do with him. I love him more than life but he is drowning and not taking me down with him. Ive lost my son to drugs and alcohol. Its not my fault, I was an excellent mom and raised him with morals - did everything to ensure a great child hood (as a single widowed mom). He chose to make bad choices - its his circus to run, not mine. My advice - pray, detach, tell him you can not bail him out. Until he wants to get clean and sober - you can no longer enable him. Keep posting on here - those who have gone down this road will give you better advice than a shrink. Post as much as you need to on here - you will get support and answers -follow everyones advice. You are not alone - we are all going thru this same b.s. Its like a death at times but stay strong ok?

 

[Laura P]

He's been in jail for a month, and the trial is just over one week away. Why would you bail him out now? What positive is going to be accomplished by doing so? What potential negatives could come out of it?

I know, it's crazy. I have stayed strong up to this point. Just need validation and support, only one Al-Anon meeting near me that my schedule doesn't match up with. This is just so difficult.

 

[BusynMember]

My husband is 67 had major heart bypass 20 yrs ago, and is feeling weak. Our son, is fun, bright and handsome. He had his choices, we almost bailed him out yesterday after I spoke to him on phone. He cried, he cried...please get me out of here... it is horrible here.

All I can say is this says it all. Why is your son not concerned more about this father's health than begging for money that will get him out of jail, but won't improve his life? The world doesn't revolve around him and his poor choices. He is 35, not 5.Until he changes, his girlfriend and baby really don't need the pressure of his mistakes in their lives anyway. It's not what HE wants anymore. His actions impact others and in my opinion he needs to learn that he doesn't get out of jail free because he cries.

Good for you. I hope you and hubby go on a long, healing vacation.

 

[Laura P]

God bless you Laura, I know this is incredibly painful and difficult for you. I think you are doing the right thing by not bailing him out. My son has been to jail three times for pot possession, I bailed him out each time. He has not learned anything, I will not bail him out again. My brother, an alcoholic, became homeless & went to jail several times, I refused to help him - he just wanted my money for beer and cigarrettes. He was found dead behind a dumpster (drank himself to death). Its pitiful when people you love self destruct. You can NOT take on their impending doom. Unless they want to help themselves and change, become better people, there is nothing we can do to help. I too never dreamed my son would be a worthless pot head at age 23. He has no goals in life except to get stoned out of his mind every day and party at night. You must detach - hardest thing in the world to do (especially for me as I have no other family). I spent the last 4 years enabling my son. I kicked him out last week, changed the locks... Im done. Until he changes I want nothing to do with him. I love him more than life but he is drowning and not taking me down with him. Ive lost my son to drugs and alcohol. Its not my fault, I was an excellent mom and raised him with morals - did everything to ensure a great child hood (as a single widowed mom). He chose to make bad choices - its his circus to run, not mine. My advice - pray, detach, tell him you can not bail him out. Until he wants to get clean and sober - you can no longer enable him. Keep posting on here - those who have gone down this road will give you better advice than a shrink. Post as much as you need to on here - you will get support and answers -follow everyones advice. You are not alone - we are all going thru this same b.s. Its like a death at times but stay strong ok?

Thank you. I have tears rolling down my face right now. I love my son. What makes this worse is that he was molested by my father when he was a little boy. The guilt is just overwhelming. He told me about the abuse after someone in group therapy opened up as well. I thought that was the first step to recovery. But he has not been able to lead a productive life thus far. I am so worried that this is it for him, that he will never be able to face his demons. Thanks for your kind words. I, too, was brought up in an alcoholic home (the child molester dad, of course). He never touched me, I guess he had a thing for boys. He passed away after my son told me about the abuse, I wanted to dig up his grave and kill him. How can I forgive him. I don't miss him, I don't go to his grave.

 

[SeaGenieTx]

Well said SomewhereOutThere.

 

[Natsom]

Welcome Shiela!

This thread resonated with me even though my son is only 20 years old.

I'm so impressed with how you handled this situation. This is the first step. I agree with the others that it would be helpful to try and find support through Al-anon and/or therapy. It's to difficult to do this alone. There is so much support available, but you need to get the ball rolling. Sounds like you're ready to go there. You will be amazed at how much better you start feeling once the Al-anon program starts working for you. It isn't a quick fix, but it's better than the alternative.

Thank you all for your excellent posts!!

 

[blackgnat]

For all the mistakes I've made with my son, I told him years ago that if he ever was jailed I wouldn't bail him out and I never have. I am perfectly happy with this decision.

Let him be in there and come to terms with the consequences of his actions. Jail isn't SUPPOSED TO BE NICE! It's JAIL!

I didn't read all the posts, so sorry if I'm just parroting everyone else, or you've moved on from this-but it seems that you and your husband need some peace and happiness in your lives, taking care of your health and not having to worry about this MAN who is also a father.

I'm saying all this as a parent who is flawed, uncertain and still trying to detach from my son's destructive behaviours . But again, I have never regretted my decision to leave him in jail. He actually ended up being quite content there (he's in and out like a revolving door, so now it's not even a deterrent to him). We humans can adapt to almost anything.

So please take care of your own needs. I wish you and your husband serenity and peace of mind.

 

[Kalahou]

Hello ChangesWays7,

I don’t have much time at the moment but just wanted to acknowledge your post and welcome you to this forum. I am glad you found us here. It is a safe place to come to. We understand and you are not alone.

My son is also 36 and has been in jail the last 2 months awaiting trial. He asked to be bailed out and he asked us to supervise release. I did neither. I have not seen him and have had very little phone contact with him.

I've done enough over the past 20 years....
I am sad...
I am scared for him and I am tired and very angry.

You have expressed my feelings exactly. There are many here who will tell you they felt and feel the same way.

I gotta take care of me..
Lord help us

I’m glad you realize your need to detach and take care of yourself. Read the Detachment article at the top of this forum. It really helps to understand enabling and detachment. Reading the article several times to really get it helps a lot. Here’s the link. http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/#axzz43UtHW4Gi

More folks will be along soon to give you wise insight and guidance.

By the way, this is a very old thread that you posted on. I suggest you start your own new thread on this site, so more people will reply. Go to the Parents Emeritus home page, and click the blue button at the top right, up by your name. The button says “Post New Thread.” There’s also a button at the bottom of the page. You can just copy (cut and paste) your prior post to the new thread. That way it will be your own thread and folks will respond to your situation.

Take care and stay with us. It helps to keep visiting here and reading the other threads here.

Glad you found us here. Kalahou.

 

[Copabanana]

I do not feel like running up to the jail to see him either.

Welcome.

I second K's advice to start a new thread. I can't sleep but others except the Hawaii people are off to bed. If you post a new thread you will begin to get responses about 4:00 Pacific Time or so, when the people back East get up and moving.

I understand everything you are saying about what your adult child is trying to involve you in. This revolving door without change. While he is being selfish and irresponsible, I can understand how he feels. In jail/prison he is likely sober and of course he wants out.

But the thing is you are not helping him if you help him avoid the consequences of his own choices and lifestyle.

And of course there is the absolute necessity to take care of you. He is not a child any longer. And you like the rest of us, not a spring chicken. It should not work this way: your resources, your tranquility and peace of mind sacrificed for him.

Enough.

It does not help him.

I am glad you found us. Start a thread. Post a lot. It helps.

COPA

 

[Tammie]

I read and learn everyday from this wonderful site, yet, I can't sleep. My son, has been given money over and over for ten years...for halfway homes, new bedding, clothes, etc. Last year his girlfriend had a beautiful baby girl, lived with us for three months until we couldn't do it any longer. Insanity...the state was so slow putting girlfriend in rehab. We kicked them out ( I feel so guilty, but, in our 60s, we began having many heart issues). Thankfully, girlfriend is now completing six month Mommy and me rehab at end of month. My son however, has been in many rehabs, over six hospitals, halfway homes and is in so much debt. He was living under a boardwalk for a week after leaving transitional housing and was arrested last week for not showing up for a court date. He is in county jail. He bought a senior ticket for train pass too save money and got charged, along with another drug incident. I cant stop crying and was just released from hospital for another time from heart afib. My husband is 67 had major heart bypass 20 yrs ago, and is feeling weak. Our son, is fun, bright and handsome. He had his choices, we almost bailed him out yesterday after I spoke to him on phone. He cried, he cried...please get me out of here... it is horrible here. Over crowding, sleeping on floor and is in cell 23 hours, one hr in community room. My heart is breaking. I need words of strength from anyone who can help me get through this. He wants to be with girlfriend and precious baby. But, we can see him asking for money. We don't have. It is such a sad situation, like so many of you all experienced. Thank you. I just want to hug my son..

 

[Tammie]

I am so glad I came upon this site. My 24 year old son who is addicted to alcohol and drugs is now in jail for a probation violation. I too have heath problems dealing with his addiction for 5 years now. He calls me daily and I have put $ on his books and spend $300 already doing this since he has been in jail for 18 days waiting for his court date.... which isn’t for another 18 days. He calls daily making me feel so bad for him that I cry everyday (especially today on Christmas) and wanting me to bail him out. Thanks to this site I feel empowered to NOT bail him out. I would only be doing him an injustice for his actions and consequences he has created. We have helped him so much by allowing him to live with us after college, financial support and always being there for him.... which hasn’t helped at all. He still ONLY thinks of himself and has the poor me attitude! I need to start thinking of me, my husband and other son and start putting our feelings first. I can’t keep living this way. He needs to face his choices and consequences or he will never learn! Thank you for all the great advice reading all the comments! Now I can sleep easier.

 

[New Leaf]

I am so glad I came upon this site. My 24 year old son who is addicted to alcohol and drugs is now in jail for a probation violation. I too have heath problems dealing with his addiction for 5 years now. He calls me daily and I have put $ on his books and spend $300 already doing this since he has been in jail for 18 days waiting for his court date.... which isn’t for another 18 days. He calls daily making me feel so bad for him that I cry everyday (especially today on Christmas) and wanting me to bail him out. Thanks to this site I feel empowered to NOT bail him out. I would only be doing him an injustice for his actions and consequences he has created. We have helped him so much by allowing him to live with us after college, financial support and always being there for him.... which hasn’t helped at all. He still ONLY thinks of himself and has the poor me attitude! I need to start thinking of me, my husband and other son and start putting our feelings first. I can’t keep living this way. He needs to face his choices and consequences or he will never learn! Thank you for all the great advice reading all the comments! Now I can sleep easier.

Hi Tammie and welcome. So sorry for your need to be here. You have posted on an old thread.
If you post your own thread you will have more replies.
Yes, you need to start thinking more of yourself, husband and other son. Our d cs have a way of engulfing our entire lives in the consequences of their choices. Whatever we do to “help” is never enough to them, they don’t learn and keep repeating the same ole same ole.
I am glad you found us. There are many here in similar situations.
Sleep well. Take very good care of yourself. You matter.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Amleonetti]

35???

My troubled son is 36. If he ever goes to jail he stays in jail. I'm 61 and I want to enjoy the rest of my life. I won't let any of my adult children ruin my health anymore nor should you or your husband. You've done all you can for him and he's a middle aged man now and still doing things that he knows will land him in jail. Guess what? If you don't go to a court date, you can go to jail. He knows this. And of course he will ask for money that you don't have. difficult children are selfish to the end and they don't care about our welfare, only their own. If he got clean and had a job, he'd have money.

I don't believe it helps our grown children, especially those already in their 30's, to throw money at them. My adult kids are expected not to break the law. If they do, they pay the price. We didn't even get lawyers to help our daughter when she used drugs in her high school years. We wanted her to understand that if she contnued this way, she would not get help from us and whatever the consequences were, she'd have to face them without a rescue. She was on parole twice and we did not try to get her out of trouble. She quit using drugs. Not saying that works for all addicts, but it worked for us. I cried a lot in secret, but I did it...I didn't want to contribute one dime to my daughter's self-destruction. THAT would have made me feel guilty. We made her leave after she was found having a gala drug party in our house when she thought we'd be out of town. I don't regret it, she isn't mad at me now, and actually we are going to visit her this weekend...and our new grandbaby. She has been clean for ten years now.

I suggest a twelve step program for you and hubby, like Al-Anon, or a private therapist. Who is he going to call when you and your husband are gone? And he is making it sooner rather than later. I hope you can start the path of detachment now; today so that you can have a wonderful Golden Years.

Of course, this is just my advice; others may have different advice, but...

1/Don't bail him out. He's a man now and he won't have any incentive to quit using if you keep "rescuing" him.
He still may not quit, but it should be on him at his age, not your bank account.

2/Don't let him live with you. That can't be healthy for you or your husband and it isn't good for him either. It again gives him a way to have a cozy home while doing drugs and forgetting the fact that he has a baby and a girlfriend he needs to be a man for.

3/Don't hand him money. You need the money. He needs a job.

4/Keep contact minimal for now. Drug users and personality disordered adults know exactly wh at to say and do to tug at our heartstrings and get us to do whatever they demand.

Don't let your son own the power over your life. Bet he has been verbally abusive to you when you have said no in the past. Bet also he has stolen from you. Maybe he has even hit you.

You can't save him. But you can change YOUR reaction to him so that you can live your life in peace. You must have other loved ones who are appalled by his behavior and want you to stop taking care of this man as if he were a little boy. Bet he gets ten times the attention the other loved ones get. They always do. They are emotional vampires. You are at an age where it's time to put YOURSELF first. If you don't, you may not be around to help at all and the family will still have to do without you. Has your son expressed concern for your health other than how it relates to him and his situation? I ask because most difficult children don't really think about anyone but themselves.

Hugs galore and I hope you can begin your journey to freedom. A good first step? Read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beatty.

This was such an excellent and helpful reply. I took notes to refer back to! My daughter is 28 and on fentanyl and meth. She’s in jail and going through detox. She is begging me to bail her out. I needed strength and found this thread. Thank you so much for the advice you gave. Very helpful and empowering!

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Amli--Why not start your own thread? This thread is 8 years old. I only saw it by accident.. We want to hear the particulars of your story.

I will reply briefly based on what I know and what my experience is. The only thing that can help our children change is that they respond to their own distress and do the hard work of changing.

he cried...please get me out of her

I worked in prisons for over 30 years as a psychologist, mostly in men's prisons but a couple of years in a women's prison. Your child did something that caused her to be arrested. The only thing that will get her to think about her actions and what has caused her to run into walls is the consequences. Your child belongs in jail until she is released. These were the natural consequences of her actions. Short-circuiting this process is to take away from her learning.

Your daughter's life is at stake. Fentanyl and Meth kill. This incarceration can be a wake-up call. She is surely going to resume Fentanyl and Meth if at this point you were to help her get out.

While working in prison I saw people transformed. They detoxed. They went into recovery, they developed a spiritual life, they became educated, went to college. They became healthy. They transformed themselves. Jail is different than prison, but I will say something shocking. Incarceration can help people to decide to begin to turn themselves around.

It can be the start, but it needs to be lifelong. That is one reason I am still here after 8 years.

Should your daughter get out of jail as she wants, she faces more degradation and addiction. I only pray that she stays in jail long enough to be helped and help herself and that she can be released conditionally into long-term treatment and rehab.

Your journey is your own. Being a parent of an adult child in distress is its own journey for a parent. Start to focus on yourself and not your daughter. This is what I would advise. Keep posting. It helps. But for you and me, like for our children we need to work to change. One way we work to change is to post here. Other ways are psychotherapy and 12-step groups. I did all of it.

PS I just read a post of my own up a few from 2016. I said the same thing then as I did just now. What is different is the peace I have now. The acceptance I have. I am located in myself, not my son. I am in me. It's radical. It's not that I don't feel sad when I think of my son. I feel deeply sad when I remember he is out in the rain with nowhere to go. It aches to write that. But I do not feel guilt that I am in bed warm, and safe.

I am me. I am not him. He can live life as he chooses, as can your daughter. Only your daughter, my son, can decide to live differently. Bailing them out of their lives is not the answer.

The only ones who can change the trajectory of their lives are our children. We can only change the trajectory of our own lives. And make them our own. I know this may sound deeply cynical. it's not. It's reality. We must accept reality or we will be destroyed by it.

I am so very sorry for your sadness and worry. I pray your daughter heals. Meanwhile, we heal ourselves.
_

 

[Copabanana]

If you push the new posts button up at the top a new page will come up and you will see a button that says post a new thread. I would. Posting here the past nearly 8 years has changed me and changed my life.

 

[Nomad]

Copa…Oh wow…I loved what you said about being located in yourself and not in your son.

Love what it means and love that it’s happened for you.

Amie…Welcome! And, yes, it would be best if you start a fresh thread…of your own. I’m sorry you are going through this great difficulty. We are a very caring group, understand and can offer ideas and support.