Princess explained how Goneboy, her brother, proposed marriage to her...ick!!@

[BusynMember]

I knew he had done this, which shows just how detached Goneboy was from the idea of us as his family, but I didnt know the specifics until today. I am visiting Princess and Baby and she said "I dont know if I ever told you this...it made me feel too weird...but....Goneboy asked me to marry him once."

I told her she had and she asked "Did I tell you how?"

I said I wasnt sure I wanted to know.

She laughed and was lighthearted and none of us feel connected to Goneboy anymore so she told me.

I am paraphrasing. "I think he felt desperate to get married. He was near thirty. I was going out with SO, but still living in his basement and we had nothing in common but we still did things together. So one day he sat me down and said 'we are not really related because we are adopted.' I tried to interupt, but he repeated it and said,"I think we should get married. I would have no trouble changing my last name. I think it would be a good thing."

I had never heard the part about changing his last name. Neither has my ex whose last name he was so willing to change and who adores him. I said,"Seriously???"

She said "id never tell Dad. He wouldnt believe me anyway. So I told Goneboy that I am his sister and that this is never going to happen. It was sick."

She moved out with SO shortly after.

Goneboy, after that, had two girlfriends in a row and married the first woman who said yes. She was the one who conspired with him to dump us all, but clearly he was unattached way before she came along. We were people he had lived with, but not his family.

Who proposes to his sister????

I wish I had known the story entirely early on. It would have been a clue to the future. I would maybe have seen it coming.

I asked Princess if he ever said he loved her that way and she laughed and said,"No, mom. He would never have said that. He was a robot." She always told me he had no emotions and she knew him best, but he presented as having emotions to us. Maybe it was an act to us, but he was with Princess more than any of us. She maintains he was robotic.

Im sure his wife doesnt know he did this. I meanly want to throw it in her face to shock her, but would never do it. She was so mean about help keeping us from him. If she only knew...but she wont.

It is too bad. Yes, I know I sound bitter. I am sorry and will not act on it.

 

[RN0441]

Wow. Did they grow up together? If so, how many years was that?

Sounds like Woody Allen story!

 

[BusynMember]

Yes. Goneboy was adopted at six. We adopted Princess as an infant a few yeaRs later. My hunch was right and although Goneboy was well behaved (except when he wasnt) he never bonded with us in a family way. But Princess did!! She thought it was sick and gross. She said his proposal had made her feel like throwing up. It was never the same between them after that. Princess stayed away.

That is the differrnce between adopting a baby and a six year old. Wr loved Goneboy to the moon, but he never felt like we were family to him. He was too old to bond, too many important formative years had been spent in an orphanage without one caregiver. He was confused and unable to love us, by his words, and he actually said he tried but did not feel as if we were his family. My young adoptees are all very close to me and each other. I dont know that most older adoptees are not damaged in their ability to attach to a family. Adopted babies do though.

Attachment disorder reaks.

 

[susiestar]

I don't think all older adoptees are this way. I think some of this is just Goneboy. He really seems to just have some real problems. Attachment disorder certainly is awful though.

I am sorry that Princess had to go through that. At least she was firmly attached and had SO to move in with. How awful it would have been for her if she hadn't had SO as a way to get out of Goneboy's house!!!

 

[BusynMember]

Older adoptees tend to have attachment problems and other issues. Trust me, you are lucky you did not adopt an older child. Goneboy was actually better behaved than most older adopted kids. When a child is unloved in infancy and then for years, they do not usually suddenly know how to feel love or evrn want it...many are difficult children from Day One and some never know how to love. I saw many parents very distraught.

I was in a huge adoptive parent group. Bad adjustment of older children and chaos was the norm, not the exception. Baby adoptions are way different.

I am only answering this post to talk to lurkers who may be thinking they can adopt an older child and love will cure all and I cant recommend it. Of course, it is my opinion and experience plus what I saw with others.

If anyone adopted a child older than five and it turned out loving and well now that they are adults, i welcome hearing about the experience. Even three. I saw none. Of course there must be some exceptions, but I dont know any and was entrenched in the adoption world. So I would welcome a happy older adoption story.

 

[BusynMember]

Susie, I agree. Yukky to be there after that.

 

[Littleboylost]

Flowers in the Attic SWOT. ICK is right

 

[Albatross]

Wow. Maybe he felt closest to Princess and had no way to frame sisterly love, parental love, etc., given his lack of attachment to anyone in those formative years before you adopted him. Maybe that was the only "love" frame he knew how to try to accommodate.

 

[BusynMember]

He never said he loved her and thankfully never tried to touch her. Princess thinks he was just desperate to marry. Maybe her "rejection" was a factor in why he left.

Princess always insists he had no emotions. However, he did not present that cold way to me. Until he coldly left. But she definitely knew him best. I believe her.

 

[A dad]

While that is ikky and all and I am sure he hurt you dearly with his indifference he certainly seemed to crave attachment also probably more so since he was near his 30's.
Before this event did he ever had an girlfriend or any relationship of some sort or just friends?

 

[BusynMember]

He had never had a girlfroend before that, bit he had tons of friends of both sexes. He could be and probably still is very charming and incredibly intelligent.

 

[A dad]

He had never had a girlfroend before that, bit he had tons of friends of both sexes. He could be and probably still is very charming and incredibly intelligent.

Well I get why that did not raise any alarm but somebody near his 30's never having an girlfriend in my opinion raises some signals. Who knows how afraid he was of attaching to someone at such an level.
You know how its said hindsight is something.
He is similar with my youngest in that regard and he was not adopted but your son gives some hope this can be overcomed on its own without outside help because he will never get it.

 

[BusynMember]

I have no idea if Goneboy really loves his wife and kids, but I so very much hope so. I always wish him the very best. In my heart, i still love him to the moon.

 

[Sam3]

I'm sure there are non pathological reasons why someone wouldn't attach pre-30.

It seems like a whole package issue.

 

[pigless in VA]

I think Princess is very wise. SWOT, I wish love could fix more things in the world. You gave him a gift he didn't understand.

 

[BusynMember]

Pigless, thanks. I loved him very much.

He was brilliant and the CEO of thriving company. He had read about and figured out his attachment problems very young and told us he could bond to peers (as peers had been his only family his first six years) but that he could not bond to us as parents. It bothered him, but he couldnt do anything about it.

I have no idea why he thought his very bonded sister would marry him or even think of him that way. The odd thing is he is a very strict Christian and was then...he must have REALLY not thought of her as a sister to ask to marry her. Marrying your sister, I am sure, is not ok in Christianity. Did he think she would dump us too and run off with him? Maintain contact while married to his sister and having children? My guess is he would have wanted them to bolt together, with no thought of us. I never could read his thoughts and Princess couldnt either. He was stoic. But he offered to change his name...i am following the dots...Princess thinks so too.


With this in mind, it is probably best he left. We are a real family and act like it and love like it. The situation with him and Princess would have always been there. In retrospect, i think he was jealous of his sister's boyfriend.

This is something I will never know for sure. And its probably better i dont l.