reality sets in

[DammitJanet]

One thing I want you to understand is that I understand how hard it is to just "toss them out." I have done it a few times and mine keeps managing to crawl back home and we keep being stupid enough to allow it. We give him that "one more chance" to break our hearts yet again. I say this will be the last time and I hope to god he does nothing else but past experience tells me I must be on guard. So far he is not a easy child but he hasnt even lifted a finger to steal a penny from anyone. I hope we have cured him from that bad habit.

Maybe one day I will get so fed up I will be able to just throw him out but I would rather he move out on his own steam which is what he really wants to do. As long as he is moving forward and not being a pain in the tuckus...well...I can live with things the way they are right now. If things go downhill again, I guess I have no choice and it will break my heart for the last time.

Sending your child to jail is extremely hard. I think its the hardest thing you can do...maybe even harder than burying them because with a death there is finality. With jail and prison it just goes on and on with the torture. You get the phone calls and the letters not to mention what people ask you about them. How do you answer well meaning friends and acquaintances when they ask you about your kids? Oh B is doing ok in school, J is living up north with his wife and baby, but C is in jail again but yeah, we get the baby every weekend still....
Yeah...nice huh?

Kills me.

 

[morningcuppa]

Hi stands sending you kind thoughts. I have also been advised to throw out my son who can be violent but it is soooooo hard. I know it is the right thing to do but have not had the courage to do it yet. I don't think our mummy hearts are programmed to do it. We keep giving one more chance.

I have found great comfort and support from all the kind members of this board. I hope we can all continue to support each other through these difficult times.

 

[KFld]

Throwing your child out is very difficult. You will know when you are ready. it's not something you can prepare for. At least with me it wasn't. I just knew when the moment hit and there was no turning back.

 

[Sunlight]

you are doing fine. we all have ways of giving advice, some gentle some more pointed. there was one time on this board I had hit bottom with ant and was asked to remove my post. (once more I had rescued him, brought him to my home, under the influence of drugs, he threatened his baby and me and I had to call the cops and testify in court against him. ) it hurt me deeply to reach out here and put it out there and be admonished.

at this point, I would say we all have to be more patient with you and one another. we all move at our own pace. pushing and prodding and then giving up on a poster because they do not jump at a command is not the way to go. a lil story:

yesterday I saw a counselor. this man is well known to me, a doctorate in psychology. his own 27 yr old son was a difficult child from day one. in fact he and his son had a fist fight in the local school where this man was teaching at the time. the psychologist knows all the right things to say and do. however his son went on to be a difficult child. he and his wife divorced as she was enabling, the counselor was frustrated. it went on. the difficult child son grew older and worked construction, had girls du jour, was tossed out of the home. he got hurt on the job and recovered but went on his difficult child ways.

six wks ago the son asked to once more live with the psychologist for three wks only til he got on his feet again. he works as a pizza delivery driver, drinks, stays out all hrs, throws cig butts in the yard, wont comply. the psychologist is throwing him back out and has given him a deadline.

I asked the doctor why he cannot fix his own son. he said he has told his son all he can, done what could be done, the son does not see the problem of his ways. he will help him but only when the son is ready for his advice. because the son is disruptive to the doctor's lifestyle he is once more going to be homeless. the doctor said a parent cannot help their own son in a situation such as this due to the love of the parent. it takes great effort to be unnatural and not nurture your own.

knowing this doctor for many yrs, knowing his son...I feel somewhat better that I, a lay person, could not help ant. knowing that the doctor has taken the son in and thrown him out a few times, I know we all are human and as parents do what we think best at the time.

by the way the counselor told me Kaleb should not have to see his dad in jail and neither should I. he helped me know it is ok to be mad, sad, whatever I have to feel. it is ok. I will figure this out and react the only way I can.

I can gather info and opinions and speak out to those here, but ultimately I MYSELF will decide the course I personally can handle. when I do make that decision, I would hope that those around me can still care about me, and be patient. your ways may not be the answer for me at that given time but I can listen and decide for MYSELF.


just asking that we all be more gentle with SWC and each other. if she continues to be berated for not doing as suggested, she may go away and sink even more into withdraw and stop reaching out all together to anyone anywhere...

and that would be a real shame.

 

[Sunlight]

PS for crying out loud my own son has been an addict since 13 and a difficult child from birth and he is 24. I am STILL here learning, growing and edging along in my journey. I have come a lnog way, one crawl at a time, nails diggin in the dirt at times to drag me along.

some would have cut off all communication eons ago with him. perhaps when he stole my car, when he wrecked my home, called me names, gave me the finger, hung up on me, told lies about me,when he overdosed on heroin, when he was expelled twice from school, when he stole from his dad and brother, the store, his gramma, neighbors, when he was locked up at 13, 16, 18, etc etc....

I learned very gradually to be tougher, not overnight. I am only now accepting of not letting him live with me, with letting him suffer, with knowing the last lawyer I got for him was the LAST one I will ever get.

he is my son and I love him. I hate his life, but I love him.

 

[goldenguru]

ants mom ~ I have to agree with you - wholeheartedly. We must remember that we desire to be that soft place ... not a place of judgment and hostility.

stands ~ I never had to throw my daughter out on the street ... so I don't know how hard it would be. I can only imagine your frustration and fear for his future. I for one hope that I have never given you the feeling that you are a "dumb ". You are at total liberty to take our advise ... or NOT. You are his mom ... you make the calls ... because ultimately you bear the consequences of your calls. Please don't feel ostracized or pressured to listen to our collective voices.

You are a valued member of our community.

 

[DazedandConfused]

I don't either have any idea what it must be like to have to even consider throwing throwing my child out. Though, I have LOCKED my kid out when they were out of control until they calmed down.

For me, it's all about the PCs, especially once the difficult child becomes an adult. My heart just breaks for the pcs. We would never tolerate that kind of behavior towards them by anyone else. Yet, excuses are sometimes made that allows the continued victimization by the difficult children against their easy child siblings.

PCs can really take it on the chin in a place they should be protected.

SWC, I certainly don't think your dumb. From what you have shared with us, I do think it time to make your easy child the main priority.

difficult child is an adult and it's time you let him be one.

((((hugs)))

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks so much for making me feel better. I do think you are right. It is time tomake my easy child the priority - after daughters wedding. He has been a victim here for absolutely nothing. He is the only one that can talk to difficult child without getting angry. I am angry now. I told difficult child today that he needed to stay away from here because I was going to turn in to the police who I think took pcs machine. I dont believe he is telling me the truth. He asked me to give him money for supper and bring it to him before he went to work. I said no - too bad. He has brought these people in my house and caused us to suffer again! We have allowed it to happen. Sometimes I guess I feel bad when I cannot do what everyone knows is right. I feel like I am causing him to go under and probably am. I am not worried about him - I am worried about my easy child. The more I thought about it and how we were calling pawn shops to see if they had his system - the madder I became.

 

[goldenguru]

Getting mad is a first great step. I also hear you not believing his every word as gospel truth. That is also good. You are not allowing him to manipulate you as much.

Baby steps are good. The important thing is to keep moving in the right direction.

 

[PonyGirl]

Good for you Susan! Time to get good & angry. I wonder if you & husband have talked about a timetable at all where difficult child is concerned? I see he has no job....

Just an idea, and understanding you have your daughter's wedding to enjoy first...What if you and husband sit your difficult child down and say, "You get a job in 10 days, or we will change the locks."

If he does get a job in the timeframe, then you say, "You will move out in 30 days, or we will change the locks."

I know you've already been given countless ideas and suggestions and advice...sorry to pile on, but it struck me this morning that maybe you need to see it in black & white (again).

:warrior: :flower: :warrior:

Peace

 

[standswithcourage]

Thanks for thinking of me. Yes he has a job now. Actually I havent been around him in 3 days. He has been working - I called his work to see and staying I dont know where.

 

[Sunlight]

if he is not staying at your home, this is the time for you to get even stronger. slowly get used to the idea that it is time for him to move on. ant knows here is not an option. your son can think of other places to stay. he has to leave one day one way or another. once he has not lived with you for a while you will be amazed how much closer in heart you two can be.

to appreciate you and his family he has to feel the loss of that. let him learn the lesson and do not interfere. remind yourself that perhaps this is God's way of intervening in his life. I know I did not want a 30 yr old ant living here ruling the roost and that thought kept me strong.

hugs and hoping for a peaceful day for you.

 

[ScentofCedar]

More hugs.

(Pony? That was good advice.)

Ant's Mom, you are amazing.

Barbara

 

[DammitJanet]

Antsmom....you said what I have been thinking. Maybe its the Janet in us...lol. Sometimes its not as easy as it seems to just take all the advice on here. We have to support people no matter what.

 

[Hound dog]

Stands

At 24 I'd been married for 5 yrs, had 2 kids (one who'd nearly died and had special needs), and was pregnant with my 3rd child. I was a stay at home mom who did the household budget, paid all the bills, ran the house, made all apoints, and learning to deal with a long term terminal illness. My family lived 3 states away.

When I'm tempted to rescue my grown kids, easy child or difficult child, this is what I force myself to think of. Where was I at their age? No, I don't expect them to be exactly like I was. Everyone is different. But it gives me a good guideline to go by.

For a lifetime you've been geared for nurturing, guidiance, and protection where your kids are concerned. It can be hard to just shut that off, even when you know in your head that it's what is best for your child.

Detaching is an ongoing process that takes TONS of practice. And I don't think any of us are perfect at it.

I'm sorry easy child was the victim. That's really awful.

(((hugs)))

 

[standswithcourage]

Yes it is awful and that is what drives me right now. that and the fact that my daughter is getting married Saturday~ My difficult child came home for a moment today - I wasn not here but at school because we had a PTA meeting and I didnt go home - he called me to see if his Xanax was filled - that he needed them before he went to his probation officer tomorrow - I said I didnt know - he said I had to get them for him ==I said no - I was not coming home, etc. =- he had someone in the house with him - a "friend" from way back that he has been staying with - this guy looks like Marilyn Manson but sometimes is really just showy - anyway I told them both to get out of my house - I cannot trust anyone - especially when my easy child has been the victim = they left - i have no idea where they went - idont know if my difficult child had to work or what - he has not been here - it is a lot easier to detach when they are not here - I am still angry - I went to alanon tonight.

 

[meowbunny]

You're doing beautifully! I know this is hard and painful but you're doing what you need to protect your youngest and, hopefully, save your eldest.
:bravo:

HUGS

 

[standswithcourage]

thanks meowbunny. When I need support this site is great~ I appreciate your giving me positive hope and telling me I am doing right when I feel like I am not = but right now I am more protective of my easy child - my difficult child needs to see that.

 

[goldenguru]

Yay for you stands!!

You did not run for sons medications. You let him assume that responsibility.

You are holding him accountable for his actions by telling him to leave your home while you're not there.

You are getting yourself some support!

ITS OFFICIAL ... you are detaching!! Remember to take baby steps before you walk. And you have to walk before you can run.

You did great!!!

:dance:

 

[KFld]

I'm so glad you went to alanon.
did you change the locks on your doors so that he cannot come in when you aren't there?? I would change the locks and even if easy child is home by himself, tell him not to answer or let him in if you aren't home.

When I made my difficult child leave our house, we changed the locks right away. He had to ring the bell to get in.