ScentofCedar
New Member
Stands?
:bravo:
Barbara
:bravo:
Barbara
reality sets in
- Thread starter standswithcourage
- Start date
standswithcourage
New Member
No we didnt change the locks. I need to vent now. Today my difficult child went to his probation meeting. My husband took him reluctantly. They waited 3 hours. He took a drug test and failed it. I believe they fined him and he is supposed to pay $200 on Monday. Also, my husband let him out at the drug store and went back to work. My difficult child walks to our house and gets in his (what used to be) his room window. All the doors were locked. I was upset. And also he is hanging around with a 16 year old. I told them they could not come in. I dont trust anyone. It seemed that my difficult child and been and gotten his prescription somehow and taken maybe one too many. I could tell. I am still mad. Sometimes I feel guilty about that especially when others on the post say they feel guuilty about sending their sons away - sometimes I dont. I just want him to get help - somehow. I cant believe the probation didnt lock him up. Anyway - my daughter is getting married and we have to go try on Tuxs and etc. I cannot stand for any stuff from him. I dont even want him in my house. Isnt that bad?
standswithcourage
New Member
I know it is unbelievable. But today he got in his room window. My husband had let him out at the drug store and he walked to our house. I dont even want him in my house. Not even while I am not here. I still get mad when I see him. I feel violated. I know others on the post feel bad for their difficult children and do want to send them away but I am not feeling that way right now. I want him to get help. We cannot keep doing this. He has a job at KFC in a little suburb about 15 minutes from us. He has been staying there until this morning so we could take him to probation. My husband told him today that was the last time he was taking him. He took a drug test and failed it.
Big Bad Kitty
lolcat
You said, "I don't even want him in my house. Isn't that bad?"
No, you finally got to the point where a lot of us were weeks ago. And it took him to hurt another one of your kids to get you there. I see the pattern, and I would like to point it out to you, and maybe it will help you along your journey with your adult children.
You are SO a caretaker. I bet you put yourself last while raising your kids. Well, you are doing it again, but so much that it is having an adverse effect. On the older son, up until now, you were caring about him so much that your doting was harmful instead of helpful. All of our suggestions sounded cruel to you. Just not in your nature.
Until.
Until Older son hurt younger son. Natural order of things, you come to younger son's rescue.
You put up with older son's shennanigans as long as it was only YOU being hurt. But when another one of your offspring is affected, your instincts kick in, and you immediately go to the aid of the weaker child.
Sounds animalistic and oversimplified, but that's how I see it. Am I far off?
And now that you finally DO put your foot down, you are second guessing yourself. Not sure if it was the right thing to do. In your shoes, I would not want him in my house either. I would not trust him in my house either. In fact, until easy child's belongings resurface, difficult child is as much a suspect as anyone.
I would tell him that he is not allowed in, and follow Karen's advice by changing the locks. Prevention! Who knows what gets stolen next...
Kudos, big ups, high 5, way to go, hugs, and hallelujah for taking a stand.
No, you finally got to the point where a lot of us were weeks ago. And it took him to hurt another one of your kids to get you there. I see the pattern, and I would like to point it out to you, and maybe it will help you along your journey with your adult children.
You are SO a caretaker. I bet you put yourself last while raising your kids. Well, you are doing it again, but so much that it is having an adverse effect. On the older son, up until now, you were caring about him so much that your doting was harmful instead of helpful. All of our suggestions sounded cruel to you. Just not in your nature.
Until.
Until Older son hurt younger son. Natural order of things, you come to younger son's rescue.
You put up with older son's shennanigans as long as it was only YOU being hurt. But when another one of your offspring is affected, your instincts kick in, and you immediately go to the aid of the weaker child.
Sounds animalistic and oversimplified, but that's how I see it. Am I far off?
And now that you finally DO put your foot down, you are second guessing yourself. Not sure if it was the right thing to do. In your shoes, I would not want him in my house either. I would not trust him in my house either. In fact, until easy child's belongings resurface, difficult child is as much a suspect as anyone.
I would tell him that he is not allowed in, and follow Karen's advice by changing the locks. Prevention! Who knows what gets stolen next...
Kudos, big ups, high 5, way to go, hugs, and hallelujah for taking a stand.
standswithcourage
New Member
Oh you know me so well!! I think youshould havae been a shrink! I am so the caretaker. I am angry now. My difficult child is about 3 sheets in the wind. he is roaming the neighborhood. The guys that I think stole my pcs things came to my front door - asked if my difficult child was here - i said no and get off my property or I will call the police - then my difficult child shows up and just looks at them - I went outside to take down there tag number but couldnt. I hate this. I feel like I need to babysit - I cannot even go walk in the neighborhood without feeling like my house will be violated. Especially if my difficult child is here. I hate to be so mean sounding - I might as well have been raped. What do I do now? Should I call the police and say I saw them? or what?
PonyGirl
Warrior Parent
My experience with law enforcement has not been satisfactory. I would not personally call unless I felt an imminent physical threat.
Susan my friend, you need to change your locks and toss out your son. These feelings will persist as long as you allow contact.
He. Is. Not. Going. To. Change.
You. Can. Not. Help. Him. Anymore.
Get him out. Change the locks. I know it hurts, I know you want him to get help. Read my words above. I know you have your daughter's wedding to get ready for. Fake it, whatever, but get him out. Now. Or Monday. Or whatever. Let your husband handle it if it's 'easier' ( I know there is no easy way!!)
I'm worried for you. (((Hugs)))
Peace
Susan my friend, you need to change your locks and toss out your son. These feelings will persist as long as you allow contact.
He. Is. Not. Going. To. Change.
You. Can. Not. Help. Him. Anymore.
Get him out. Change the locks. I know it hurts, I know you want him to get help. Read my words above. I know you have your daughter's wedding to get ready for. Fake it, whatever, but get him out. Now. Or Monday. Or whatever. Let your husband handle it if it's 'easier' ( I know there is no easy way!!)
I'm worried for you. (((Hugs)))
Peace
standswithcourage
New Member
OK thanks for the advice. I know you are right. This is a nightmare. I dont have time or patience for it. I am done. Please dont cut me off because I am venting!!!!
meowbunny
New Member
Hon, right now you're too angry to feel bad about your son being gone. You have every right to be angry at him! He's made his choices. He's rejected every offer of help you've given him. He's picked his loser friends over his brother and his family. Not only that, he keeps abusing his family's love and trust by sneaking into your home (for now, it is not his home -- he's made sure of that).
You do need to get your locks changed. Since the people you think were the thieves are coming around, I'd suggest you get an alarm system if you can afford it. Your home needs to be protected. These people know how to get into your home when no one is home. I wouldn't be surprised if they were knocking on the door just to see if someone was home. You need to protect your family from these punks!
You also need to explain to your eldest that he cannot come to the house when no one is home and he most certainly cannot climb in through a window. Tell him the police are patrolling and if they see him breaking in there is nothing you can do to stop them from arresting him.
What happens if he can't pay the fine? Will you and husband pay it? This is the time to discuss it with your husband -- before it you get the phone call to bail him out. If the two of you decide that you won't help him out, then you need to stand back and let your husband take care of it. Either don't answer your phone at all or just say you'll have to talk to husband, there's nothing you can do. Monday is going to be a very hard test for you. I'd understand no matter which you went. It is one thing to force a child out of your home so that they can grow up. It is another thing to chance them going to jail. At the same time, he made his choices. He may just have to live with them.
I hope the wedding is beautiful, wonderful and a day of dreams.
Hang in there! You doing great!!!!
(P.S.: It might be time to start a new thread about the dirty test and fine.)
You do need to get your locks changed. Since the people you think were the thieves are coming around, I'd suggest you get an alarm system if you can afford it. Your home needs to be protected. These people know how to get into your home when no one is home. I wouldn't be surprised if they were knocking on the door just to see if someone was home. You need to protect your family from these punks!
You also need to explain to your eldest that he cannot come to the house when no one is home and he most certainly cannot climb in through a window. Tell him the police are patrolling and if they see him breaking in there is nothing you can do to stop them from arresting him.
What happens if he can't pay the fine? Will you and husband pay it? This is the time to discuss it with your husband -- before it you get the phone call to bail him out. If the two of you decide that you won't help him out, then you need to stand back and let your husband take care of it. Either don't answer your phone at all or just say you'll have to talk to husband, there's nothing you can do. Monday is going to be a very hard test for you. I'd understand no matter which you went. It is one thing to force a child out of your home so that they can grow up. It is another thing to chance them going to jail. At the same time, he made his choices. He may just have to live with them.
I hope the wedding is beautiful, wonderful and a day of dreams.
Hang in there! You doing great!!!!
(P.S.: It might be time to start a new thread about the dirty test and fine.)
PonyGirl
Warrior Parent
Susan, I'm not going to cut you off!! I'm just giving you Positive Reinforcement!! :warrior: I know we've come down hard on you recently, I'm proud of you for sticking with us.
Just giving you more proof that when you toss him out, you're right!! You're not a bad parent. Hang in there. (((HUGS)))
:flower:
Peace
Just giving you more proof that when you toss him out, you're right!! You're not a bad parent. Hang in there. (((HUGS)))
:flower:
Peace
standswithcourage
New Member
ok maybe i will start a new thread. I guess now i am getting it!
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