rehab

[Copabanana]

He is not a 6 year old I'm trying to sign up for soccer. At some point he has to take charge of this.

He's supposed to be there at 5:30 tonight. This is going to end badly.

bluebell. You know what is going on. You see it clearly. You have from the beginning. You are doing every single thing that any parent, acting from responsibility would do, and more. But you recognize that your son can (and has) undone every single good effort of your own. That is the point that I was at when I came to this site. The square peg, round hole moment. I was going to get my son in that round hole, no matter if it killed me. I think it nearly did. I would not give up. Until I realized the insanity of it.

To me 85 percent of the good that this site provides, is the changing it promotes IN US.

That we learn to make ourselves the center of our lives, that the pivot comes from within us...accepting the reality that our children's pivot can only come from them.

bluebell. It seems to me that you see the situation clearly, but have not yet accepted as true what you see.

At some point he has to take charge of this.

You are saying here that your son needs to come up with a realistic plan for himself. What will that be? What will he do and when will he do it? And what will you do if he does not?

I don't know why but I keep thinking about Watergate.

At the end of the day President Nixon had to leave the White House and walk to the helicopter with his wife, and take responsibility for the rest of his life and deal with it. He had to do this because he was forced to. Powerful people in the Congress went to him and told him.

Son seems to be sabotaging every option. At the rehab he told them a story so dire, he was too acute for their treatment. At the hospital he minimized his issues, and he was not acute enough.

Your son is driving this car, to an end you can already predict. He is under the illusion that this can continue, that you will continue to be passengers in his car, that he drives. The result of this is that the 3 of you, his family, are being driven around by him in his car...in chaos and crisis and despair.

There is no reason to suspect that something will change in him for right now, as long as the 3 of you are bearing the responsibility and the mal-effects of this crazy car ride.

I do know that the Department of Mental Health in my county has a division for substance abusers where social workers arrange treatment options and provide counseling. There has to be something similar in your own county.

Until you and your husband decide that you want to get out of this crazy car ride I fear that your son will keep driving you around in circles.

I do not know how that transfer of power (back to you) will happen, but until it does...he will control your house, and your lives...and it will be dominated by crises and bad behavior related to his drug use.

 

[bluebell]

Thanks guys. I'm pretty sure any agencies or services would require he call. Square peg/round hole like you say. We will just have to kick him out again. And never ever tell him he has to go to rehab if he comes home. Because I can't make good on that obviously. We are all upset I think, for different reasons. My son for not getting the 'badge' he told his friends about, and us parents that we failed in getting help we promised our son.

 

[Copabanana]

we failed in getting help we promised our son.

You did not fail. You did not control all of the input that the "result" required. The input came from your son, not you. You did every single thing you committed in doing. Who knows what he said in each forum that contributed to the result. Nobody can guarantee a result. We only determine our intentions and follow through. Your son may have had intentions that were different from your own; his follow through could well have worked against your own. He may have gained the result that he wanted, which was to undermine your own.

He may not be ready or willing to recover. Whether or not he chooses to in the future, he will decide not you.

You failed at nothing. You brought him to Rehab. You brought him to a hospital. You control nothing except what you can control. This is no failure on your part.

 

[bluebell]

Thanks, copa. And apparently to a lot of people in the industry, IOP IS rehab, seeing how all 3 major hospitals in my city have shut their inpatient facilities down and instituted IOP. We never promised him a rehab away from us, we promised him help. He was in a kinda good mood yesterday before he got the news and was joking about us sending him to rehab in Hawaii. Joking, but reveals his true goals. Funny, we took him to the beach in August (not Hawaii) and he gave zero cares. Does he even know what would be enjoyable or fun right now? Besides maybe getting high?

 

[RN0441]

Bluebell: I sent you a message of someone to call in Florida that helped us TREMENDOUSLY.

I know how back this sucks for you. I've been there and don't ever wanna go back there.

So sorry you are going through this.

 

[mof]

What does too "acute" mean? Your an addict or not?

Oh, we looked at the 50K too..uh, no Good thing he took the help offered.

 

[Copabanana]

we promised him help

The question is this: what is he willing to do to help himself? How can you "help" somebody if there is no or limited investment in their part? What would you need to see from him that would make you believe he is doing his part? Have you clarified that?

I hate to see you flailing and accusing yourself...when you do not control the contingencies, you do not influence his motivation, nor do you influence, really, what are his goals. You see this. The questions are: what happens next?

I am glad RN is involved with you as a coach. She got her son to a
"place," where she could then clarify and bolster her own boundaries. This is where you are going, too. The rest of it is on your sons.

My own child has been with us or near us for 13 months now. During that time he has gone to residential treatment twice, each time when we said he had to leave due to drug use.

The shift is that he seems to be getting that the pivot comes from him, not us. He has seen we are willing to let him twist by himself in the wind if he chooses to...uses drugs or is under the influence near us.

We are willing to put up with his attitudes, his ambivalence, his balking and his resistance....as long as he chooses productively and constructively. It is not fun dealing with this...for him or for us. It must feel like a gauntlet to him but he keeps in the game. And as long as he does, we do.

 

[bluebell]

I don't know, mof. The lady at the front desk said we needed to put every detail we could think of in the application. So I put in the psychiatric hospital visit 3 years ago, etc. I think they told him he needed psychiatric help, even though he has no diagnosis - noone would diagnose him with a darn thing because of his drug abuse history and never being clean. Which they say they offer. And hilariously, the 50K program is unlicensed and does NOT offer psychiatric care. It's one of those wilderness places where they leave him alone in the woods and constant supervision. I guess that works for some kids.

 

[bluebell]

meant to say constant supervision when he is not left in the woods

 

[mof]

Sheesh, our son went to rehab where he received psychiatric diagnosis and medications. the 50k they wanted our son to go to was a soberliving for a year, attached to their system. If we left our manchild in the woods, he would have a mental breakdown.

we do have a friend that the woods was his sons final try, and it stuck....It probably really matters if he was the one seeking help on his own. Ours tried on his own, they had a month wait..then he OD....hoping he chooses the path for himself that he can live with, and gives you peace.

 

[bluebell]

I guess a year for 50K is better than 3 months. But still.

I did consider the place 3 years ago. It probably would have done him good. I don't know. Not now though, he needs intensive life skills and adulting classes, not to learn how to be a good boy. 17 year old punk vs. 20 year old drug dealer. I'll be giving the place away probably, but they give the kid a dog. A real life huge dog. I know this sounds silly, but I had and have no desire to bring my son home with another animal to take care of. I have a border collie who thinks she is a cat, has health problems and is like having another child. Love her but no more!

 

[Copabanana]

So I put in the psychiatric hospital visit 3 years ago

That is what I think rendered my son unacceptable to the treatment facility. That he disclosed hospitalizations. Gee.

I have another idea, but it is another faith based idea. I am a Jew. In Southern CA there is a nationally acclaimed residential treatment facility for those with any type of addictive behavior run by a Rabbi and his social worker wife. My son "says" they would not take him due to a mental illness history, but I think they are much more liberal, that they will take anybody, of any faith. They have a sliding scale, or can be free, depending of circumstances. If you google Culver City, Rabbi, and Residential Treatment Facility you will find it. If not, PM me, if you are interested. In a heartbeat I would have wanted my son there. My have a friend whose kid went there and ended up a rabbi. Worse things can happen.

 

[Copabanana]

he needs intensive life skills and adulting classes,

What about Job Corps or the military? This is what they offer.

 

[bluebell]

He couldn't get into Job Corps or military if he tried. He's got a pretty hairy juvenile record.

 

[BusynMember]

I know nothing about job corps but the military is picky and drug test regularly. Plus if you have poor mental health, you wont make it out of boot camp. LoveMySons son was in a good place when he joined.

My niece got through Navy boot camp, but she said much of her class didnt make it to graduation. Lots cant hack it and are sent home.

The military will send you into combat if they want...i think its a scary place for any young adult who is not ready to take a lot of non negotiable toughness and death.

 

[Copabanana]

Job Corps or military if he tried. He's got a pretty hairy juvenile record.

I believe that juvenile records are (can be) sealed. I am not saying that either would be a match for your son. However, if he were interested...it could be a goal, as it was for lovemyson's son. As part of a recruitment package training and deployment I believe can be negotiated. or one can make oneself available in such a way that would pretty much delimit deployment conditions. Enlistees and the military sign a contract. Because I have not been in the military I do not know how binding it is. Such a thing can be found out online, I would think.

I wanted the military for my own son (but in full disclosure there were times I wished for prison, too) so that he would learn. Which speaks more to my own mental state.) Lovemyson, has lamented that her son's enlistment circumstances pretty much could well put him in harm's way--in the infantry. She wrote that she understand he could die--but she preferred the risk presented in these circumstances, with the upside that they presented--to his dying from an overdoes of heroin/

None of us in life, come to the table with all options open. Many, many doors have closed for most of us....By the same token, sometimes the best option is not all rosy either. That is real life. There is no predicting who will thrive and who not, in adversity--or when or where. If that were true the military (or all other institutions) would have a near 100 percent success rate. They do not because self-selection cannot be predicted, even by the individual him or herself. Sometimes we flourish in conditions that even we ourselves would not have predicted, even in failure. Failure can be the best of teachers.

I would not make assumptions at this point about what is not open to your son, and what it--until you know for sure. For example, many cops were juvenile delinquents. They turned it around. Experience is not one size fits all. Nor is the route to a better life, the same for all of us.

I do not have a sense of what are your son's talents and interests (or what they were) before this. You do. What is your sense of what would suit your son? What might interest him? What his needs and wants from life (beyond pills) might be?

M criticizes me that I push my son towards college which personally I hold as a high value. It turns out too that my son does too. He reads literature and about culture and world affairs, and history and languages, for recreation. He may or may not ever go back to college, but he knows what nourishes him. If there will a motivator that will be it.

I am not pushing any one thing. I am saying that there are next steps and there are answers. Your son on some level knows what he needs and what he has to do. Or he can.

 

[Copabanana]

There are physicians that are addiction specialists who supervise withdrawal and use prescribed medications. A reputable physician who is an addiction specialist would set up a multi-modal therapeutic intervention that would probably involve a therapist, counsellor, groups, etc.

There are different medications that counteract addiction to pain pills or benzo-addiction.

If it were me I would call the nearest major medical school and look for the faculty practice in addiction medicine. If you have trouble call the psychiatric department--that is what I would do. Or I would google: residency in addiction medicine, to see what medical centers and universities have the most highly noted programs. I would actually google the work of specialists.

I think you know that my son has a serious illness. That is what I did when he was diagnosed and when his illness worsened. I got him linked up to a faculty practice at a university hospital a few hours from us, and for the past 8 years his treatment has been supervised by a foremost specialist (to the extent he has been treatment compliant.)

In circumstances such as yours I have made treatment a condition for my continued help (*housing, etc.). It does not work right off. But as we get increasingly strident and make it more and more uncomfortable for him, he seems to be going along with OUR program more and more instead of imposing his own on us.

If you think about it everything your son needs to STOP and to stay off is at hand or near....

We control access to a great deal of resources. We can make these contingent. The change is to see our own power and to begin to take control over our environment, by changing our own responses.

 

[Copabanana]

This is from google:

An addiction specialist is a physician certified by the American Board of Addiction Medicine (ABAM) and/or a psychiatrist certified by the American Board of Psychiatry and Neurology (ABPN), and who has demonstrated by education, experience, and examination the requisite knowledge and skills to provide prevention

 

[bluebell]

I appreciate your suggestions, copa. I'm not in a spot where I can help my son, however. He verbally and physically abused me last night completely unprovoked and he is again out of the house. Similarly, I had to step out of the job hunting for him when he was younger because if a job didn't work out or he didn't get it, I got all the blame and was treated as if I owned the company, created the job, etc etc it's hard to explain the level of delusion he is under - and let me tell you his blame is the toxic kind. As my grandfather used to say, there are just some people you can't help.
Right now I have to focus on getting myself the help to survive this without losing my job and my family. Circling the wagons....

 

[UpandDown]

We will just have to kick him out again. And never ever tell him he has to go to rehab if he comes home. Because I can't make good on that obviously. .

Such an impossible situation. Its left on you but you can't force him. It would be difficult to force a logical thinking 20 year old to do something they didn't want to do. Let alone one who is extremely difficult and reasons from a place that seems delusional. I'm so sorry for the spot you are in, a spot many of us can relate to.