Reporting in on the effect of letting go and believing for the best. IT HELPED :O)

[Kathy813]

RE and Cedar, yes our long-term goal is most definitely weaning her off of us completely. Realistically, though, she doesn't have the financial means to do so at this point. We have made it very, very clear that she is not ever coming back to live with us and she doesn't like to hear it. I agree that she would be very happy living with us the rest of her life. She has even said that to us.

It amazes me that an adult would feel that way. I can't imagine living with parents once I was an adult. I have read that there is a dependent personality disorder and I sometimes wonder if the psychiatrists have missed that one. However, when she was in rehab, they did say one of difficult child's biggest problems was her reliance and relationship with husband and me. The therapists made it very clear during our parent weekend that the treatment goal for difficult child was NOT to move back home with us and I remind her of that frequently.

I told difficult child this week that the goal was financial independence. She asked how that would ever happen and I told her that if she stuck with the job there would be raises and promotions and once she had experience and a good recommendation she could look for higher paying jobs. Her answer was she would always be stuck in dead end jobs until she had a college degree.

Cedar ~ I have often wondered if difficult child really has a mental illness or if the addiction was masquerading as mental illness. The interventionist said that when addicts got sober the mental health issues disappeared 80% of the time. I don't know if I believe that number but I am sure it is true in many cases. My difficult child has reduced the number medications she was taking to just an anti-depressant and trazadone (sleep aid) and she certainly doesn't seem any worse if not better.

Ultimately, I guess the question is did the substance abuse cause the mental health issues or did the mental health issues cause her to turn to substance abuse. I don't think we will ever know.

~Kathy

 

[DammitJanet]

I do guess I find small periods of fun if not actual joy. You have to understand where I have come from and even where I stand now with everything going on with me. Not other people but inside me. I love watching my oldest granddaughter doing almost anything. I enjoy finding things I think the grands will like as gifts.

However, I was brought up being told that everything that wrong was my fault and I have never been truly able to get over thinking that way. It doesnt help that people still seem to feel that way. Even when I am completely sure of something, I am still wrong. For example, recently husband went out of town to work and never told me. On that Monday night I had made dinner and was waiting...and waiting...and waiting for him to get home to eat. I rarely will eat if he isnt home. Other people might but I wait. I dont think he actually appreciates that. I think he thinks I do it so he will make my plate because Im too lazy to do it myself. Thats not it, I just dont want him to have to eat alone when he gets home. So on that day I waited until almost 9:30 when difficult child asked me what I was waiting on and when I told him he told me that husband had gone out of town. WHAT???? When in the world had he told difficult child but then failed to tell me. Heck he never even called me that night to let me know he was there. I called him and got no answer. I left a voicemail for him and asked him if he had forgotten to tell me something. He called me that day and asked me what I meant. I told him he never told me he was working out of town. He tried to convince me he had and I said when? When? He couldnt tell me.

I tend to feel like a piece of furniture around here. Unless someone needs me they dont even look for me.

I dont know, peace and joy arent something I have ever known much of and it really doesnt have that much to do with the boys. I think it has more to do with just who I am internally.

Now I am going to take my medications and try to get a nap in before football starts...lol. I do love football and my little whopper's candy. I guess that counts for my fun.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Cedar, I completely agree with you about the true cost of difficult child's is time we can't recover. At our age, in our 60's, we are WAY more aware of time then the younger parents on this site. When we're younger, most of us have that sense of "there is plenty of time" we don't see life from the perspective of "running out of time" until we are really running out of time. I just read a quote by the Dalai Lama where he said, the greatest illusion is that we have plenty of time. That concept alone can keep us mired in the difficult child world without a thought of our own life and how much of it gets eaten up with trying to control another, which of course, in time we come to realize just how futile an adventure that is.

Perhaps our age and our experience can support younger parents to think things through a little more, to identify their lack of control and learn to detach sooner so that they can grab onto their own dreams and go live them. Life is VERY short and a life spent worrying and afraid of the choices other people make turns out to be a waste of precious moments we can't retrieve.

Cedar, I respectfully disagree that it is "almost too late" to live your dream......... I absolutely refuse to believe that..........yes, we are in our 60's, but if your health is still good, then you have time to go directly into those dreams you speak about and hit the ground running.........there is now nothing to stop you. I am presuming that your difficult child has taken her daughter and gone to live with her ex as you mentioned. Once your head clears from all of this, and I do realize that takes a little bit of time to put this all in some kind of livable perspective............get the hell out of Dodge and go live your life!

I have come to understand my role as parent in a completely different manner then I previously believed......as you are now...........my initial beliefs centered around my being a perfect mother based on the imperfections of my own upbringing...........which kept me locked in a pattern of enabling...........once that shattered and the truth surfaced, as it has for you, the entire package redefined itself, the pieces of the former belief system realigned themselves and left me able to see it all clearly.

Once you're able to see this clearly and you move through what you've lost............and believe me, I understand the gravity and depth of the loss.............put it behind you and recognize the opportunity you and husband have right now.................you may be late to the party, but the party is not over yet...........

You and husband didn't do anything wrong, you did way more then you likely should have, with both of your kids. 25 years is enough now...............I think when we believe we did something wrong, or we didn't do enough, or in some manner we have not risen to the appropriate self imposed level of excellence in parenting, we find ways to punish ourselves, we take away our own joy and our own pleasure..........You did the very best you could have, so did I, so do most of the parents on this site.............and we keep looking for more ways we can help, we can give, we can fix...............you and husband have done all of that.............so have I...........our kids are middle aged for goodness sakes and as you mentioned in your post to Kathy, they continue to want to make us responsible for their choices. As Nancy Reagan said, "JUST SAY NO."

My daughter posted this on Facebook the other day.........."Children shouldn't have to sacrifice so you can have the life you want. You make sacrifices so your children can have the life they deserve." I read that and was thinking she was addressing her daughter who she abandoned and has absolutely no contact with and how that quote could possibly apply given her abdication of her role as mother..................then my SO said, "that's directed at you because you stopped giving her everything she asked for, you stopped financially supporting her and you started living your own life." Good Lord.

I may be completely out of line here Cedar, please forgive this but I just want to see you dancing on the patio with husband every night now...............no matter what happens, don't take on the raising of your oldest granddaughter , if your difficult child can't rise to the occasion, make other plans for the granddaughter................take your life now and protect it from all difficult child's, cherish it, take husband's hand and "do not go gentle into that good night, old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!" This is my new philosophy Cedar................I invite you to join me on this ride...............let's hit it!

 

[Nomad]

My husband is in his 60s (I'm not there yet), and I read the post about time to him. We both liked it, but I think for the first time he understands why I come here now and again.
Our difficult child has GREATLY bothered husband from time to time (for sure), but since he has turned 60, her antics have REALLY REALLY REALLY bothered him. And, he speaks at least a few times a week, warning me that he WILL NOT put up/tolerate, etc. any m ore difficult child stuff when he retires. He wants PEACE.
I find this interesting, since more and more, we have had to or are willing to put up with less and less difficult child business.
She lives separate from us and she gets the bare minimum help from us.
But, I have mentioned that perhaps she should live within one or two hours drive from us (as opposed to four hours), when he retires, so that we can get to her now and again.
Even that, sets him into a tailspin.
Anyway, I do like the discussion here. Beautiful posts!!!
I've always said that we need to be happy and enjoy life even with difficult child "stuff" in the background.
Kathy, I think all this about your difficult child is wonderful news. She is at of the house, knows she is not to come back, is out of the STATE!, and has a JOB!!!!!
Surely you will work it out whether or not to help her financially with some things, partially, temporarily, etc.

(((Hugs)))

 

[Nomad]

"Some recent research indicates that any drug use in susceptible individuals can mimic, or result in, mental illness."


I go to another website for a completely different matter and became friends with a woman who shared a rather odd situation. Her stepson, now about 30, had used a lot of drugs in his teens. For the past decade, he was having some serious social problems, and acting very irresponsibly, arguing furiously with family members, losing jobs left and right, etc. and this behavior was worsening. The parents (dad and step mom) felt that it he was just spoiled, acting irresponsibly or possibly doing drugs. But, year by year, it worsened. I felt he was mentally ill. The parents would hear none of it. A couple of times he went for therapy and the therapists all offered the idea of a diagnosis and some prescribed medications. But, recently, out of no where...he very seriously and frighteningly and authentically (in his mind) heard voices in his head telling him to kill various family members. He himself got himself to a hospital, where he was admitted to a psyche ward and evaluated. It was determined that he was schizophrenic and more than likely, the drugs played a significant role in helping his body get to this place! For the first time, his parents believed that he is mentally ill.

NOT the same story,..but possibly somewhat related. A real shocker;an eye opener. Makes you wonder if this (drug abuse) is partially why mental illness seems to be on the rise.

 

[DammitJanet]

On the topic of the drug use...oh I firmly believe it can cause havoc on a person if they have been doing them most of their lives. Now I dont think the drugs I did as a teen have any place in what is wrong with me because I had all the signs from very early on...long before I became a teen. I used drugs to fit in with someone. The kids who were good wanted nothing to do with me because they had already had their friends from early on and I came into a huge Junior HS right out of a small private school. The only people who really paid any attention to me were what we called the stoners. I had one very good friend who was in that group and she was my protector. For a long time she kept people away from me if they tried to get me to use drugs but it wasnt long before I joined them. Normally only with her though. She was my safety net. I also only used drugs for a few years during my HS days. Mostly pot and drinking.

Now on the other hand we can look at Buck who has been using drugs...much harder drugs than I ever did...and he used them up until when he claimed he stopped the summer of 2011. Im not so sure I believe that but whatever. He is now 54 years old and has the mentality of a 12 year old. He never had kids, never had a long term relationship, doesnt know how to live by himself and cant do most of the things even young adults know how to do. He cant fill out paperwork or even go to someone to ask them for help. He just expects his siblings to take care of him as if he was still a small boy. I am convinced his drug use stopped him from being able to grow up.

I dont know what he is going to do now because no one is willing to help him anymore. He may well end up in some type of rest home after this illness because I dont know why they are sending him to a rehab center coming out of the hospital. It cant be because he has pneumonia, they dont send people to rehab over that. It has to be either physical or mental.

 

[Kathy813]

Children shouldn't have to sacrifice so you can have the life you want. You make sacrifices so your children can have the life they deserve.

RE, I read that the same way that your SO did. It is so typical of a difficult child. The self-absorbment and sense of entitlement is astounding.

~Kathy

 

[recoveringenabler]

Nomad, I completely understand your husband's desire to live far from your difficult child. Once my granddaughter is safely tucked away in her own life, SO and I plan on traveling and eventually moving to Kauai. We both love Kauai and that has been the plan for awhile and is the first reason to go. The second reason is that I will be 3000 miles across the Pacific ocean............far enough away to keep me safe from immediate difficult child drama and allowing me to feel free. I love to travel and when I'm traveling, even when in the throes of difficult child chaos, I am far enough away to feel okay and enjoy myself. There is a lot to be said for distance. My granddaughter will always have a place to go wherever we are, if she chose to live with us as she completes her education and young adulthood..........but not my daughter. I absolutely get your husbands need for peace.

Kathy, as I was reading your post, it occurred to me that after a lot of time trying to figure out what the issue was with my daughter........ is it bi-polar like my sister, is it narcissistic personality disorder, anti-social disorder, severe entitlement, is she a sociopath...........on it went..............and then once I realized there was nothing else I could do, the diagnosis, the reason became irrelevant, she is who she is and I had to detach, I had to make boundaries to protect myself and keep me sane and peaceful and accept what is. At a certain point, the reason ceased to matter, she wasn't changing and I needed to take care of myself. At some point that may happen for you too, I don't know.......we just keep making strong boundaries around their behavior until we all reach a place where we can all live peacefully.

 

[scent of cedar]

I love watching my oldest granddaughter doing almost anything. I enjoy finding things I think the grands will like as gifts.

I tend to feel like a piece of furniture around here. Unless someone needs me they dont even look for me.

I do love football and my little whopper's candy. I guess that counts for my fun.

Janet, I know you have some physical problems...but I think you posted once that you are still able to drive. Would it be possible for you to volunteer somewhere for an hour or two every so often? We all need to see, to laugh with and touch others, and to be seen and touched, ourselves. Especially given the continuing stress at your house these past months, it sounds like that just isn't happening.

That happens at my house, too.

Everyone is too exhausted, has been living too close to the bone for too long. Volunteering gives me a change of scenery. People appreciate that I am there. They actually SMILE at me. I get to dress up. I get to have lunch in public with other people who got dressed up that day. Miracle of miracles, no one wants me to give them money. No one resents me. No one messes up my house or expects me to cook dinner.

I get away from husband for a little while, so when I get back? He can appreciate me the way he is supposed to.

:O)

It's very cool.

I have a friend who, like you, has some physical issues which make it impossible for her to volunteer often, or for a long time, or for her to do anything physically stressful. Know what she does? She reads the morning paper on a radio station for the blind twice a month. This keeps her life open, keeps her involved with something that has nothing to do with home or husband, something that is hers, alone.

When I was a Hospice volunteer, I would come in every week for a few hours to make phone calls to the families of those who had recently experienced a Hospice death. My job was to assess whether the family member seemed to be progressing through the stages of grief normally about three months after the death, or whether he or she should be referred to the Hospice chaplain. It was an interesting, worthwhile time commitment, Janet. Another responsibility I had as a Hospice volunteer was to write the condolence cards that would arrive, with a single rose, six weeks after a Hospice death.

Again, not so much of a time commitment, but a good and worthwhile thing to do.

It was more fun to make the phone calls. What we found is that, because their support systems are less cohesive than those of most women, men generally tend to have a more difficult time adjusting to the loss of a mate than women do. One time, there was this little man who was so happy to hear from someone, anyone at all, that he showed up at the hospital the next day to take me to lunch! I wasn't there, of course ~ but one of the other volunteers did take him to lunch, and convinced him to avail himself of the Grief Support program, too.

So...maybe you would really enjoy something like that, Janet. You are such a kind and funny person. You could make such a nice difference.

:O)

 

[scent of cedar]

Her answer was she would always be stuck in dead end jobs until she had a college degree.

I have often wondered if difficult child really has a mental illness or if the addiction was masquerading as mental illness. The interventionist said that when addicts got sober the mental health issues disappeared 80% of the time.

Has difficult child researched returning to school in Florida?

***********

I wonder about the connection between drug use and mental illness, too. It seems to me that when our brains work differently already, the last thing we should do is mess ourselves up even more with anything that effects how the brain works. My difficult child too, seems to be doing better since stopping street and prescription drugs. She tries to be aware of her mental state. While she was here, she got herself into an extended crying jag/depressed feeling. We were quite concerned and discouraged. difficult child's exDH was here, too. He told difficult child (and us) that difficult child had been sad since they had gone through old pictures from when the kids were little, together. (Two of difficult child's kids are not with her.) With that naming of where the emotions had come from...difficult child's mood lifted. She saw the mood, not as an indication of a depressive illness, but as a rational response to something real and very painful.

So, how much of what our kids are going through is insurmountable without ever stronger medications?

An interesting question.

I am happy to hear that your daughter is able to function well on less medication. That is such good news! Those mental illness diagnoses are scary.

And inaccurate, half the time, too.

Cedar

 

[scent of cedar]

the greatest illusion is that we have plenty of time.

********************

I have come to understand my role as parent in a completely different manner then I previously believed

my initial beliefs centered around my being a perfect mother based on the imperfections of my own upbringing...........which kept me locked in a pattern of enabling...........once that shattered and the truth surfaced, as it has for you, the entire package redefined itself, the pieces of the former belief system realigned themselves and left me able to see it all clearly.


I think when we believe we did something wrong, or we didn't do enough, or in some manner we have not risen to the appropriate self imposed level of excellence in parenting, we find ways to punish ourselves, we take away our own joy and our own pleasure.


****************


My daughter posted this on Facebook the other day.........."Children shouldn't have to sacrifice so you can have the life you want. You make sacrifices so your children can have the life they deserve." I read that and was thinking she was addressing her daughter who she abandoned and has absolutely no contact with and how that quote could possibly apply given her abdication of her role as mother..................then my SO said, "that's directed at you because you stopped giving her everything she asked for, you stopped financially supporting her and you started living your own life." Good Lord.

****************************

take your life now and protect it from all difficult child's, cherish it, take husband's hand and "do not go gentle into that good night, old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light." [FONT=verdana, arial, lucida sans, helvetica, geneva, sans-serif]

"[/FONT]Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

This is my new philosophy Cedar................I invite you to join me on this ride...............let's hit it!

:O)

Ha! Recovering, you are so cool.

You are right, and these are appropriate goals to hold. You are right too, in understanding that I parented from a perspective of trying to raise my kids altogether differently than I was raised, and that I held myself to an unattainable standard. Here is an interesting thing: I told husband about the FB comment your daughter made. Recovering, our children feel the same way. After rebelling against family and family values, they invariably come back, angrily claiming that family should help family. There is thinly disguised resentment, no matter how many licenses we have reinstated, no matter how many cars we have bought or bills we have paid or children we have taken in, that we aren't doing enough, or that we aren't doing it willingly (happily) enough. There is that sense that they are being cheated....

I never connected those feelings to the impetus for perfection (with its attending guilt/shame at not attaining perfection) that fueled, not only my parenting, but everything in my life. But the connection is there. I will be taking a look at that, now.

Interesting, to have a look at that dynamic from my reaction to hearing someone else's child express those same feelings.

In all these years, and after all that therapy, I never considered things from this angle.

Like your daughter, my children are so easily able to sacrifice their children's needs to their own...but then, they have always had us to fall back on, and parenting is hard. Strange, that in trying to parent differently than I was parented, I went so far in the other direction that I created...my mother.

Interesting to note that my mother's mother was a "perfect" mother, too. And that, to this day, my mother is a difficult child.

Well, I'll be darned.

Pass that Chardonnay!

I will bring the chocolate.

*****

So...my road to recovery will involve planning for less than perfection without going into a tailspin. This is going to be impossible, for me. I ALWAYS strive for perfection, and am very uncomfortable when things don't look, feel, or smell just so.

I don't think I can do it.

:O)

 

[Kathy813]

Yes, Cedar, she has but the tuition for non-residents is very high and we said we wouldn't pay for it. She has had multiple chances to go to school when we were paying for it and she threw it away time and time again. She even took out $20,000 (in her name - - we weren't that stupid) in loans one year to go to school and just lived on it and drank the year away without earning any credits. She is not paying on those loans so she is in default and can't get any more (thank goodness).

That is one of the reasons she wants to come back to Georgia since it would still be in-state tuition. We told her to get a Florida license 9 months ago and she would only be 3 months away for in-state tuition now. Did she listen? Sadly, she does have enough credits to be classified as a junior so she isn't all that far away from a degree.

Have I ever mentioned that she is a difficult child?

~Kathy

 

[recoveringenabler]

That quote about 'skidding in sideways' always makes me laugh...........and now I envision you and I both sliding in screaming in laughter hanging on to the chocolate and the Chardonnay.............it's such a funny image. Yup, that's what I want to do..........(we could play Dean Martin singing one of his happy songs!)

Yes, unfortunately our girls do act the same and treat us poorly. My difficult child actually helped me to understand that I should never allow ANYONE to treat me that way, in particular, her.......

You know Cedar, that shame thing fuels a lot........think about it, if one does not feel worthy or valued and that they are somehow flawed due to deep feelings of shame.............they would try so hard, try to be perfect, try to cover that shame with perfection. It's an inside job. It makes sense to me that such a person would do the opposite with their children and their children could possibly end up entitled. My daughter is entitled. (However she brings many other negative components in as well, entitlement alone would be relatively simple to adjust to, but there are deep seated issues operating within her which have been unacknowledged and subsequently have flourished.)

As I was reading Brene Brown's book I could easily see my own experiences of shame and how that pushed me into not only perfection, but control. Years ago I read a very interesting book entitled, Addiction to perfection by Marion Woodman, you might find it interesting.

I unwittingly raised my daughter to treat me like my mother did, my mother is not really like my daughter, but I felt the same when I was around them, as if I am not enough, as if I have to continue this relentless attempt at gaining their approval...........in the last 5 years I have very directly retired from this position in my family. I went to the source and essentially quit. Because I am no longer engaged in the drama my mother actually initiated, no one treats me that way anymore, but I had to be the one who stopped it, they're not even aware of what they are doing, it's all unconscious ways they learned to manipulate others to get their needs met, I was simply a pawn. It wasn't really even about me............but I did suffer in it. No one is to blame, people do the best they can with what they have, my parents were raised by extremely dysfunctional people as well, it just goes down the line until it is healed. I've been trying for my entire life to heal this family insanity.

I understand that need to strive for perfection, it runs very deep, I do really get that you feel that you can't let that go. I've learned that there are some things I am able to let go of, some I continue to work on...........remember what Brene' Brown said? " The opposite of scarcity is not abundance, it is enough." I am enough. So are you. With that in mind, we can let go a little bit, it doesn't have to be perfect. I let go a little each day. Give that a try. Or don't. Letting your difficult child go may be enough of a feat all by itself. You don't need another thing on your list.

I thought that quote my daughter posted was very telling (once SO made it clear to me that it was pointed at me) I am in awe of the word "deserve" as if she deserves the life she wants, but I don't........ my life is about giving her what she wants. HA! It used to be about that, I used to feel that way .......... fired up with my own inadequacies, I could make it all right by offering my life up on the block for her disposal. And the other word, sacrifice, geez, I did sacrifice myself on the altar of parenthood..........and those are, interestingly, what my daughter still expects........... sacrifice on my part, so she gets what she deserves. Yikes, I am very happy to be on the other side of that!!! My daughter told her roommate, who told me, that when the roommate asked her why she doesn't call me, my daughter said, in an angry tone, "she doesn't care about me." I could feed that energy for the rest of my life and it would never be satisfied, I would never be enough. Well, I am out of the game now. And, feeling pretty darn good too.

I know this probably sounds so weird, but the truth is that this really bad experience with my difficult child and all her antics for the last 2 years has freed me in many ways from a truckload of issues I was carrying around and didn't even know it. It's pretty odd. But, I had to dig deep to detach and accept what I couldn't change............. and really, that changed my life.............

 

[scent of cedar]

She has had multiple chances to go to school when we were paying for it and she threw it away time and time again.

She even took out $20,000 (in her name - - we weren't that stupid) in loans one year to go to school and just lived on it and drank the year away without earning any credits.

Sadly, she does have enough credits to be classified as a junior so she isn't all that far away from a degree.

Have I ever mentioned that she is a difficult child?

difficult child son did that too Kathy, when he was into drugs. He had come home to break the habit. At first, he did great. Then, not so good. Finally, we told him the only way he could stay was if he was working (which he was, at first) or going to school. So, he registered for school. Turns out, he knew more than any of the instructors. (!) He wanted us to sign for a loan for him for the next semester. Know what we did? Gave him the money he would have borrowed. (Which, had we signed for it, we would have been paying anyway ~ with interest.) That was his seed money. Away he went.

And it was worth every penny.

According to difficult child? We sent him with just enough to guarantee he would not make it.

$3500, that time.

And that's not the only time we had to do something like that. We just believed we had to help him. It would always go well for awhile....

Your difficult child chose not to declare Florida residency. Until she does, she will be paying out-of-state tuition. Her choice. Remember this story Kathy, when she wants to come home to go to school. I don't remember how old difficult child son was at that time. Probably around your daughter's age. Bright, personable, well-spoken kid. The next time he came home was a few years later, in the middle of the 4th of July celebration we hold for the family every year. He just sort of slipped in under the radar during the celebration.

He never left, of course.

That one cost us quite a bit, too. After months of the craziest stuff imaginable. difficult child son did not straighten up until he was in his thirties. He did it on his own. He is a good man. I don't quite see how he is going to turn things around for himself financially ~ but I'm sure he will. He always did have great potential.

I know how impossible it is not to believe that this time, it's going to work. What we learned to tell ourselves is that, if he was doing the things he should be, he wouldn't need us. And that is true. It's one thing for a kid to need help with a down payment on a house or something, or to have a bona fide emergency. Otherwise, needing something from you is a sure sign the child isn't doing what they are telling you they are.

Cedar

 

[Fran]

Ceder, it's good to see that you got to a place where you are more than the situation surrounding you. I always felt that to walk down the path of only being difficult child's mother that I cheated myself, my spouse, my children,friends and family of a fuller life. I had more to live for and do that dealing with difficult child. The successes he has found are because he chose to do them with our support and the failures have turned into life lessons that we are sad about but move on. I don't ride high or low based on difficult child behavior or choices. Anyhow, being a person who has more to offer than micro managing a difficult child is a conscious choice I made when difficult child was 11. I repeat often "breathe deep, seek peace" Good luck to you.