Rude adult daugther returned home with her baby is disrepectful rude and lazy

[Disrespected mother]

My daugther returned home with her baby 8 weeks ago. We have rearranged the house to accommodate her and the baby.
I clean up after her and the baby all the time (if not i get comments from my husband about the mess) i get told i pick the baby up too much, not to go in his room, if i play with him he is taken out of the room.
When my daugther comes home she just walks straight past and does not acknowledge me and does the same when leaving the house. One day a week i babysit but have to have the baby home before she gets home.
After 8 weeks of living back in the family we thought it was about time to pay some board, i asked her last week what she could afford to pay, after a week i asked her once again still no response so i asked for $150 dollars a week. With the response do you want all of my money. Once again i asked her what she could afford - still no response.

Then i asked her what her problem with me is. Now she wants am apology from me for telling her she had a problem. Apparently i don't talk to her correctly. I am aware that sometimes i get atips to my voice bit am unable to control it.

I am really tired of walking on egg shells with her, and feeling uncomfortable in my own home.

 

[BusynMember]

Wow. What a mess and I'm so sorry.

How old is your daughter, does she work, and why did you let her come home? If she doesn't take care of the baby, you can call CPS and maybe get custody yourself, if you want it. She should not be taking over YOUR house, YOUR sanctuary by being rude. Hey, I'd let an adult child with a baby come home too, but only if she were helpful, respectful and took care of her own child and paid rent.

It is baloney that she feels she has the right to live off of your good heart and yet tell you how to talk to her. She is a guest in your house. You don't need to walk on eggshells...it is she who needs to learn some respect or leave.

Others will come along. I am guessing your daughter is probably into drugs and/or other criminal activity and that the baby is unsafe with her and that's why you let her come back. There are other solutions other than letting this adult rule your world in your own home. Your husband needs to be nice to you too. Sounds like so many of us, we are used to letting others disrespect us and boss us around. You are as important and valuable as your daughter and your husband and maybe can learn to stick up for yourself with both of them.

If things get bad enough, many here have shown our adult children the door. It is your own decision, but things sound so sad for you. I'm so sorry. It may help you to go to therapy for yourself or, if drugs are involved, Al-Anon or Narc-Anon. Was very helpful for me when my daughter used drugs and I was a wreck. Really helped.

Hugs for your hurting heart.

 

[BusynMember]

With the response do you want all of my money.

This is to induce guilt. Maybe you should ask, very calmly, "Do you want us to lose our money taking care of you, an adult, a nd your baby?" Or simply, "You are old enough to pay rent." And don't argue with her, no matter what she yells afterward. Learning to detach with love is mandatory for our mental health when loved ones treat us badly. You are not her doormat. You are her mother and she is still dependent on you and you deserve respect.

If she gets violent, do call t he cops. You don't need or deserve that from your own daughter.

 

[Nomad]

She is living in your home free and getting free babysitting and being rude to you.
Read that sentence again.
Is your husband her father?
Especially if he is her father, he needs to get on board and you two need to be a united front.
She needs to pay some rent and s he should at least get a PT job. She should start with a moderate rent and very shortly after that a moderate fee for babysitting. Moderate...less than the going rate. Since you are a grandparent, it's fine to be generous, but not a doormat.
I would give her a timeline to find a job (if she doesn't have one) and start paying. Have your husband with you when you break the news.
The rudeness needs to stop now. Immediately. Also agree, if she is violent or vulgar...call the cops.
I too would consider calling cps on her if she continues with this odd behavior. Keep this to yourself. Silently observe her to see if she is doing drugs and or hanging around unscrupulous people.
You are not doing her any favors by not asking for the basics.
This would be an important growth experience for her.
And you are worn out and hurting yourself as well.
Take good care of your physical and mental health.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi DM, welcome to the forum, sorry for your need to be here. If you want, you can add some info to your signature, so we can get an idea of your family composition, it helps folks to know this and respond accordingly. I am a Tutu (grandmother), also and have been where you are at.

My daugther returned home with her baby 8 weeks ago. We have rearranged the house to accommodate her and the baby.

It is hard to live doubled up this way. We have rearranged our house many times to try to help our daughter out. It works, if everyone cooperates and helps. I don't know what gets into these kids, I think they feel that it is something we should do, for some, anyways, so instead of being thankful, they have a feeling of entitlement. That is how it rolled with my daughter. Not at first, but gradually became that way. She also started using the babies as "bait" in a way. She pulled at our heartstrings, using her children...dangling them in front of us. Of course, we "bit the bait" each time, we love our daughter, but she had become the same way, disrespectful. We always said, it is not the kids fault, why should they be punished.....

When my daugther comes home she just walks straight past and does not acknowledge me and does the same when leaving the house. One day a week i babysit but have to have the baby home before she gets home.

So, you are helping her, she is disrespectful to you, and puts conditions for you on the arrangement. Not good. Not nice, and extremely hard to live this way. I know the feeling.

With the response do you want all of my money. Once again i asked her what she could afford - still no response.

DM, my daughter ended up with a similar attitude.Do you have an idea why your daughter treats you this way? Did she treat you like this before the baby came? I do not want to assume anything. There are a lot of variables, one could be postpartum depression....personality differences, or drug use. I didn't know my daughter was heavy into pot use, found out much later down the road. Her personality changed drastically.

Now she wants an apology from me for telling her she had a problem. Apparently i don't talk to her correctly. I am aware that sometimes i get atips to my voice bit am unable to control it.

It seems like daughter wants the upper hand in your relationship. You have already accommodated her tremendously, by opening your house up. It is hard, I know, with your grandbaby, but disrespect is unacceptable.

I am really tired of walking on egg shells with her, and feeling uncomfortable in my own home.

You see, this is what we went through, as my daughter came in and out of our house for years. Of course, we started out helping, being that she was so young. She went back and forth with her boyfriend. Ended up with three kids from him. Each time she came home, it was to leave him. He was a troubled kid, turned into a troubled man. The last time home, was really hard. Again, she wanted to leave him. TRO and everything. I thought, okay this is it. But, sadly, it wasn't. Long story short, she ended up, still seeing him. It was like walking around eggshells just trying to talk with her, just like your daughter. I didn't want to go home, much less, be home. Looking back now, I see it as a manipulation. If there was a subject she didn't want to address, down came the iron curtain, the moodiness, and the ignoring. I knew, if I pressed, she would explode. I didn't press, for the grands sake. The more I backed off, the worse she would get. It turned out, she was not only using pot, she had moved to crack. Even writing that now, I shudder. I do not know my daughter anymore. She is in there somewhere...... The point is, this is your home DM, it is supposed to be your sanctuary. It is tough, when there are grandchildren involved, but I came to the obvious conclusion, that in no way were my grands going to be respectful, if their mother wasn't. She left abruptly after a horrendous display, swearing, screaming, ranting, took my three grands saying we had no rights over them, then the very same day, had her boyfriend call to say he had the kids........could he bring them back.....just like that. It broke my heart, but I had to tell him that they were their parents, it was their responsibility to care for them, they could not come back into our home, go find a shelter. If my daughter calls again, and wants to come home, I will say the same thing. I have found out the hard way, too many times, that the arrangement is not a mutual one. No respect, refuse to follow rules, no help with bills, then comes partying, or going to work and not coming home, or calling, on and on. I know in this day and age it is hard for young adults to make it on their own. I would be glad to live in a multi generational setting, but, and it is a big BUT, everyone has to cooperate. It does not work when the kids feel entitled, feel it is our obligation to help, and they are rude and disrespectful. It only gets worse through time, and the disrespect gets right up in our face. It is almost a challenge "What are you going to do about it, huh, MA?" My girl didn't actually say this verbally, but her actions sure did. It was if she was dangling our grands in front of us, we were real suckers for that one. I feel for you DM, this is so hard, I know. Barring a postpartum depression diagnosis, and whatever the case is, it is unacceptable for you to continue as is. If your daughter is anything like mine, it will only get worse. Take it from a mom and tutu who has been down this road many a time. I do hope you are able to find a solution, and your daughter gets some help. If she is an adult, it is up to her, really. If you suspect drugs, then the baby is in danger, it is a whole different ballgame. For us, we called state authorities, but that is a looooong story.....Whatever the case may be, a mother, grandmother, should not have to cede over respect in your own home, especially since YOU have bent over backwards to help. Tippy toeing around her will not work, she will see this, and take more advantage of you. I am not saying to press her hard, because that doesn't work, either.

Maybe you should ask, very calmly, "Do you want us to lose our money taking care of you, an adult, a nd your baby?" Or simply, "You are old enough to pay rent." And don't argue with her, no matter what she yells afterward.

I agree with this.

The rudeness needs to stop now. Immediately. Also agree, if she is violent or vulgar...call the cops.

YES.

You are not doing her any favors by not asking for the basics.
This would be an important growth experience for her.
And you are worn out and hurting yourself as well.

YES. Our kids, need to learn how to fend for themselves, and their babies. It is hard out there, but we will not be around to rescue them forever. Take care DM, this is a lot on your plate, you have value, and you matter. Keep posting, and let us know how you are doing. We help each other, there is no right or wrong, and we support each others decisions. {{{HUGS}}} leafy

 

[A dad]

Wait is this not normal for women who gave birth? Especially first time mothers?
Really is it not?

 

[New Leaf]

Wait is this not normal for women who gave birth? Especially first time mothers?
Really is it not?

No, not normal A dad. I know plenty of young working mothers, who are respectful, pleasant and kind.......this is not normal behavior........leafy

 

[BusynMember]

Agree with Leafie. Childbirth is not an excuse to act this way. Neither is depression, if that's what you mean. And most women do not have extreme reactions anyway. My daughter who gave birth last year was happy and fine after having my granddaughter.

 

[A dad]

No, not normal A dad. I know plenty of young working mothers, who are respectful, pleasant and kind.......this is not normal behavior........leafy

Yeah that puts things in perspective but I mean mostly towards your family lets be honest here we have different behavior towards people that are not our family.
For example I will never eject gases in front of non family member but I can not say I the same about family. I will only show my not so nice features of mine in front of family. Do you understand what I mean?

 

[Childofmine]

Hi Disrespected mother, and welcome to the forum.

First of all, I'm sorry you're in this situation. Please share with us, as Somewhere Out There wrote, some more about her background and yours if you would like to. It helps us to have a more accurate perspective and more helpful responses.

I understand your frustration and your pain. I have two sons who are now 29 and 26. My 29-year-old was a "typical normal" teen and young man. He was most of the time kind and polite but he had his moments, especially when he was a teen and still living here. He moved out, went to college, and grad school, and never came back here to live. When he visited from grad school, once I firmly and kindly laid down the ground rules, he complied. No questions asked and no pushback.

My younger son was a very different story. He was addicted to drugs and alcohol and his behavior was rude, disrespectful, uncaring and selfish. That went on until I finally told him you can't live here any more. I had to stand firm on that, as he pushed back hard, using every "trick" in the book for years and years. I had to stop enabling him, I had to mean what I said, and I had to live with his manipulations. It was the hardest thing I have ever done because even with all of his decisions, behaviors and choices, I still love him very much.

I am really tired of walking on egg shells with her, and feeling uncomfortable in my own home.

So...I'll ask you this: How tired are you? I have found (with myself and others) that when I am really, really, really sick and tired of it all, that is when I start developing the skills, toughness, patience and strength to say no and mean it.

Until then, I waffle, and I know many others do, as well. Having said that, it's okay if you waffle. This is not some "I've got to do this perfectly" contest. This is real life, and saying no to our adult children, whom we love so much (and I can't imagine how much harder with a baby in the mix), is not something we automatically know how to do. We get confused, weak, scared, sad, etc., etc. and most of us do a whole heck of a lot of waffling. I know I did, even when I was so very tired of it all.

But in time, as I studied (Yes, studied), learned and got stronger, I was able to do much better.

Please share with us if you'd like to. We so understand how hard this is, and we have a lot of compassion, understanding, ideas/advice/options, and we don't expect or judge you.

This is a "soft place to land." We're glad you're here with us.

 

[ksm]

How old is this grandbaby? Your daughter has been living with you for 8 weeks, so I assume if she is back to work, the baby is a bit older. Who did she live with before she moved in with you? KSM

 

[New Leaf]

I will only show my not so nice features of mine in front of family. Do you understand what I mean?

Yes A dad, I see your point. We do have different ways of behaving in front of our families, show more of our true feelings and selves. The difference being, this young mother is living in her parents home. Not helping, setting conditions, not paying anything, and acting disrespectfully to her mother. That is a bit over the top, from being grouchy from time to time. Mood swings, tired, yes, that is normal. But from what I read here, it is a routine thing. One of my favorite quotes is "What you allow, will continue." My son, is 14. He is a pretty respectful kid. Once in a while, he can get a bit "uppity" so, I will tell him,"I understand you are frustrated, but I am your mother, and you need to tone it down, you have crossed a line." He apologizes. There has to be some boundaries to how one treats ones parents. Yes, people get moody, but, there is still that line. Most of us learned this growing up. I think this is the problem in todays society, lack of respect, kids feeling entitled, crossing lines and boundaries we would never dare cross. There has to be a limit in what is allowed. We would not allow a stranger to treat us badly, why should our adult kids, living in our homes, be able to? I do understand what you are saying A dad, and respect your opinion, but from my own experience, each line that was crossed, set the bar lower for behavior, the next time. We accommodated our adult daughter, because we wanted our grands to have a chance. She ended up, more and more brazen, with her actions, and attitude. It became like a testing ground. I have found, that in this instance, adult kids start to treat family members worse than they treat friends, or even strangers. In my book, this is JMO, that is unacceptable. I will not ever walk on eggshells in my own home for any of my children, or grands for that matter. Maybe I am strict, or old fashioned, but I like the old values and way of living. I like the idea that there are rules for treating others, and that we should treat family members, especially those that help us, with decency and respect. If we do not expect this in our own homes, how are we to have peace, and how are the grandchildren supposed to learn how to be kind, courteous, polite and respectful themselves? These are all rules of society, that kids learn, within the home. If they do not learn this by example of parents and grandparents, then they are going to have a hard time out there in the world. Okay, whew sorry you got me on a soap box with that one . One big reason I am passionate about this, is that my grandchildren have not been raised with boundaries, taught manners and respect by their parents. The end result of it is, they do not know how to act nicely in restaurants, in our home, fight and destroy things. Every time we have had them, we have had to "deprogram" this out of them. They are decent kids, I love them dearly, but they are very mixed up, as a result of all of this craziness from their parents, no boundaries, not taught to respect their elders...... I think this is very different from letting our guard down, passing gas in front of family, etc. I get that A dad, but the other stuff, rudeness, disrespect and ignoring people, UGH! Sorry so long, that one touched a nerve. I do get what you are saying, just experienced way too much........leafy

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Can you tell us how many hours your daughter works? Where is the Father of the baby? Is he paying child support?

First, I think you and your husband need to talk and get UNITED on maintaining the household, what to charge daughter based on her income and any child support income. DO not ask what she can pay once you find out how much she makes. Never give them that opportunity. YOU and Husband say "Starting next week we expect you pay 100.00 a week". We expect you to pick up after yourself and your baby. YOU will respect us in our home or you can find other living arrangements.

YOU have to stand your ground now because if you don't it will only get worse. YOU will find yourself being intimidated by her and still walking on eggshells.

One time our middle son came home from work (age 18) and lit into me over washing his shirt because it was his golfing shirt and he was going golfing. He was cussing and swearing and slamming doors. While he was in taking a shower, I grabbed his clothes and put them in trash bags then sat at the kitchen table and watched him open the back door to find his clothes there. He said what the hell. I said " You will not come home and talk to me this way, take your crap and find some place else to live. He took his stuff. Hour later he called me and said Mom I am sorry I was disrespectful my girlfriend told me on the way home from work she cheated on me. I was angry and took it out on you. He never disrespected me again.

Children are like sharks, they can sense fear in their parent, they taste the blood in the water. They know when you are afraid to call them on their behavior or threats to leave. Never let them see you afraid to not follow through.