tbone
tough luv is tough
hope all in going well for you/not so good here/son had yet another explosive episode/going to have to do the hardest thing I have ever done and just let go.God Bless
scared and tired
- Thread starter tbone
- Start date
meowbunny
New Member
Do remember that "letting go" isn't giving up or disowning or not loving. It is letting him wallow in his life and choices. Let him know that if/when he is ready to follow rules, be a decent person, be the son you raised him to be, then you will be there with open arms to help him. Until then, he needs to stay out of your home. Leave some lines of communication, like the phone, open. Let him know that although you love him dearly, his actions make it dangerous for him to stay with you and the rest of the kids. Maybe one day he will get it. Right now, sadly, your first priority has to be to protect the others.
(((((HUGS)))))
(((((HUGS)))))
Tbone,
I am so so sorry. I know you are scared and feel all alone. But here, on this forum, you are NOT all alone. We truly do care, and we truly understand you have done all you possibly could.
Sending very gentle hugs, lots of understanding, and prayers for the best possible outcome.
IT may help to go to Al Anon meetings also. You can get support in person there. And real hugs instead of our cyber ones. They also truly understand.
There is a saying I borrow from AA sometimes, "Let Go and Let God". It means that when we have done all we can, and esp when all we can see is darkness and bleakness, we need to let go of the problem and let God or the Higher Power handle it.
Feel free to let us know what went on. The more we know the more we can help.
Holding your hand in this,
susie
I am so so sorry. I know you are scared and feel all alone. But here, on this forum, you are NOT all alone. We truly do care, and we truly understand you have done all you possibly could.
Sending very gentle hugs, lots of understanding, and prayers for the best possible outcome.
IT may help to go to Al Anon meetings also. You can get support in person there. And real hugs instead of our cyber ones. They also truly understand.
There is a saying I borrow from AA sometimes, "Let Go and Let God". It means that when we have done all we can, and esp when all we can see is darkness and bleakness, we need to let go of the problem and let God or the Higher Power handle it.
Feel free to let us know what went on. The more we know the more we can help.
Holding your hand in this,
susie
hearts and roses
Mind Reader
Tbone & Compassion - Welcome. I'm so sorry that you are hurting and in the position you're in, but everything that's been posted is true.
You're definitely not alone, you do need to get social services involved and you do need to find some emotional support for yourselves - such alanon (good start).
Sending gentle hugs and prayers.
You're definitely not alone, you do need to get social services involved and you do need to find some emotional support for yourselves - such alanon (good start).
Sending gentle hugs and prayers.
I just wanted to let you both (Tbone and Compassion) know how sorry I am that you are going through so much pain right now. My situation with my difficult child seems so mild compared to the anguish you must be feeling.
Please know you are not alone and that all the parents and grandparents, etc, on this site are here for you whenever you are ready to talk. This site has provided me with great comfort and hope. I am sure it will do the same for both of you!
Sometimes letting go is the best thing to do. How does that saying go, "If you love someone, set them free..." You have done all you can for now so take comfort in that. At some point our kids have to take responsibility for their own choices. We never stop loving them, however!
Take it one day at a time. Pray for patience and strength and know you are only human, doing the best you can do!
627666
Please know you are not alone and that all the parents and grandparents, etc, on this site are here for you whenever you are ready to talk. This site has provided me with great comfort and hope. I am sure it will do the same for both of you!
Sometimes letting go is the best thing to do. How does that saying go, "If you love someone, set them free..." You have done all you can for now so take comfort in that. At some point our kids have to take responsibility for their own choices. We never stop loving them, however!
Take it one day at a time. Pray for patience and strength and know you are only human, doing the best you can do!
627666
tbone
tough luv is tough
Just spoke with my son's P O today and he knows as well as the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) that he is in that he is not ready to be released in 2 weeks,but I was told today by PO that if I do not let him come back home that Child Protective Services will probably file abandonment charges on me. I am screwed any way I look at it.Either My son will get mad and put me back in jail for some made up alegations again or CPS will. Need comments on this PLEASE
Plan A - Fight as hard as you can to keep him from coming home. Take your other children into Child Protection and state that you fear their safety if their brother is allowed home. Ask what the county can do to help keep these kids safe. Ask how to keep this danger out of your home. If you can make this an issue of THEIR safety and not your difficult child's rights it may be easier. Or would they think that difficult child's rights are more important to these kids' safety thus remove the kids instead of difficult child? I don't know. I would hope not, however, the agency will do the easiest thing for them which would be to remove the good children instead of dealing with the dangerous one. They will want to keep difficult child as your problem.
Plan B - If difficult child absolutely has to return to your home - 1. Strip his room of EVERYTHING leaving only a bed and bedding. 2. Put house rules in writing. Go over these with those who are currently in the house and then post them in his room, in the bathroom, anywhere he will go. These rules are to include respecting each other, hands to yourself, breakfast, lunch, and supper times, what to do with laundry, ect. 3. Make a safety plan. What criteria needs to be met when the police are called? Even if you need to call the police hourly - do so at the smallest hint of danger to anyone in the house. What steps will be done to keep everyone in the house safe?
4. Do the other children understand that they can tell you if they are afraid? Sometimes we think kids will ask for help when they don't think they can. Let them know that they have to let you know whenever they are scared or frustrated or angry. 5. Document EVERYTHING. How did each day go? Who had issues with difficult child and how did difficult child contribute to those issues?
If you have a plan in place, you will feel more impowered. I truly hope you do not need Plan B but you seem to think there is that chance so you must be prepared.
Stay strong - keep yourself and everyone in the household safe.
Plan B - If difficult child absolutely has to return to your home - 1. Strip his room of EVERYTHING leaving only a bed and bedding. 2. Put house rules in writing. Go over these with those who are currently in the house and then post them in his room, in the bathroom, anywhere he will go. These rules are to include respecting each other, hands to yourself, breakfast, lunch, and supper times, what to do with laundry, ect. 3. Make a safety plan. What criteria needs to be met when the police are called? Even if you need to call the police hourly - do so at the smallest hint of danger to anyone in the house. What steps will be done to keep everyone in the house safe?
4. Do the other children understand that they can tell you if they are afraid? Sometimes we think kids will ask for help when they don't think they can. Let them know that they have to let you know whenever they are scared or frustrated or angry. 5. Document EVERYTHING. How did each day go? Who had issues with difficult child and how did difficult child contribute to those issues?
If you have a plan in place, you will feel more impowered. I truly hope you do not need Plan B but you seem to think there is that chance so you must be prepared.
Stay strong - keep yourself and everyone in the household safe.
tbone
tough luv is tough
Thank you all for your comments.I am no longer living in the same state and my other children are older and live outside the home.I have thought about calling CPS my self/they are already familiar with my son, and also talking to the sheriff to see if he has any suggestions.My fear is it is going to be my word against my son's if he calls the police and say's I have done something.I know from experience that they always assume the adult is guilty until proven other wise.In the meantime I would go to jail and loose my job
Nancy423
do I have to be the mom?
Hi and welcome. Sorry to hear you're going thru such tough times. My only thought would be to set up video cameras around the house so that if there WAS an incident, that you would have taped proof of what happened so it's not just your word against his. There's lots of systems out on the 'net, for relatively good pricing. If I was in your shoes, I'd invest in a camera or three because of what would be lost (job, respect in community etc)
good luck to you.
good luck to you.
I think talking to the sheriff would be helpful. If the sheriff is aware of the issues ahead of time, it may help your case especially if you are able to follow his advise. Show that you did everything that the law asked of you.
Ask the sheriff at what point you can call and what to expect when the police arrive. (Even if you have been through this before - this will refresh your memory of any forgotten details.).
Ask the sheriff at what point you can call and what to expect when the police arrive. (Even if you have been through this before - this will refresh your memory of any forgotten details.).
meowbunny
New Member
The threat of pressing child abandonment charges is pretty common. It is CPS's way of forcing you to keep a child you cannot control. I've never heard of someone going to jail for it or even getting a criminal record but it definitely gets you into the juvenile court system. Usually, the court and CPS try to work for family reunification and it is a way to get services for your child. Definitely not the most comfortable way, but it does happen.
Have a meeting with someone at the sheriff's office -- preferably the sheriff or at least as high up as you can get. Lay the facts down, including your son's manipulations. Where possible, back up with written and photographic proof. Ask them what you can expect when you have to call them for help. Ask that person to put it in their computer what they are up against with your son. This way, when you do have to call, you can say you talked to Officer X and this is what he said the officers who show up could do. This really saved me from being arrested a couple of times when my child screamed abuse.
I wish there were some easy answers for parents in your situation but there aren't. CPS doesn't want the responsibility for a child who isn't abused or neglected -- they have too many in the system who are in physical danger in their homes. They really aren't geared to deal with children who abuse their parents or who are out of control because of mental illness or otherwise. These kids and their parents are in a special, hellish limbo.
I begged for relief from CPS, the adoption agency, everyone I could think of. I was told there was nothing unless I was abusing her. I actually took her to CPS and demanded they take her for a period of time so that I could get my life together. I couldn't help her any more. I was crying hysterically and just thinking about it causes the tears to rise. The only thing it got me was a weekend where she stayed in a teen respite place and had a ball; required parenting classes that were a farce; a year of court battles before the judge saw that I really was desparate but there was nothing he could do unless I was willing to truly abandon her or declare her an unruly child. Either way, I would have lost my daughter permanently. This was not an acceptable option.
What ultimately worked for was an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). If nothing else, it gave me two years to regroup and give me the strength to keep fighting for her. I cashed in every retirement plan I had, sold all of my stocks, took a second on my home and paid for the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for my daughter. I could find no financial aid either through the schools or the government.
Do protect yourself the best you can. Get the Sheriff on your side. Keep CPS and the courts available as much as possible. Don't let them bully you. Right now, you don't have a son except in name only. I wish there was something positive I could say. I wish there was something that could be done to help you. The best I think most of us can offer you is warm arms and tender thoughts. We understand and we're pulling for you.
Have a meeting with someone at the sheriff's office -- preferably the sheriff or at least as high up as you can get. Lay the facts down, including your son's manipulations. Where possible, back up with written and photographic proof. Ask them what you can expect when you have to call them for help. Ask that person to put it in their computer what they are up against with your son. This way, when you do have to call, you can say you talked to Officer X and this is what he said the officers who show up could do. This really saved me from being arrested a couple of times when my child screamed abuse.
I wish there were some easy answers for parents in your situation but there aren't. CPS doesn't want the responsibility for a child who isn't abused or neglected -- they have too many in the system who are in physical danger in their homes. They really aren't geared to deal with children who abuse their parents or who are out of control because of mental illness or otherwise. These kids and their parents are in a special, hellish limbo.
I begged for relief from CPS, the adoption agency, everyone I could think of. I was told there was nothing unless I was abusing her. I actually took her to CPS and demanded they take her for a period of time so that I could get my life together. I couldn't help her any more. I was crying hysterically and just thinking about it causes the tears to rise. The only thing it got me was a weekend where she stayed in a teen respite place and had a ball; required parenting classes that were a farce; a year of court battles before the judge saw that I really was desparate but there was nothing he could do unless I was willing to truly abandon her or declare her an unruly child. Either way, I would have lost my daughter permanently. This was not an acceptable option.
What ultimately worked for was an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). If nothing else, it gave me two years to regroup and give me the strength to keep fighting for her. I cashed in every retirement plan I had, sold all of my stocks, took a second on my home and paid for the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) for my daughter. I could find no financial aid either through the schools or the government.
Do protect yourself the best you can. Get the Sheriff on your side. Keep CPS and the courts available as much as possible. Don't let them bully you. Right now, you don't have a son except in name only. I wish there was something positive I could say. I wish there was something that could be done to help you. The best I think most of us can offer you is warm arms and tender thoughts. We understand and we're pulling for you.
mom_to_3
Active Member
tbone, I am a parent that would not accept my difficult child back into our home. My husband and I did have "refusal to accept parental responsibility" levied against us by CPS. We were told that criminal charges could be brought against us. I was willing to go to jail and told them that they would just need to get busy and come get me if that is what they wanted. They didn't. Our difficult child had been violet towards me, was running away, wouldn't participate in her mental health care, made allegations against me, was skipping school and just caused continuous upheaval in our home. The more I "blocked" her bad behavior, the more she wanted to hurt me. It's not worth it, for you or your son. Let him go NOW.
The DA saw the light and knew what was going on in our home, as we had called the police and sheriff regarding our daughter on many occasions. We had also talked to them, trying to get help. We had no legal charges brought against us. We did not lose our parental rights.
We did have an open case with CPS and that was the most humiliating experience of my life! Our daughter was first in a locked Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and over a period of time, she was moved to therapeutic foster care. WE chosenot to sever our parental rights. Notice I said WE, because we were given that choice. It was not our intention to get rid of our daughter, we loved her, but we also loved her enough to realize that we had no more to offer her. We couldn't "love" her better, we couldn't provide enough services to make her better, we couldn't encourage her enough to make her better. Nothing. So, we chose the best and really ONLY option we had left. We let her go.
I am going to say something here, that may not be too popular, but it is my belief. I don't think that medication and or therapy is the end all, be all that many people want it to be. I too wanted it to solve all of our problems, but it just isn't so. I think there are just some people in this world with their brains wired differently, that no amount of "help" we provide, is going to make a difference. It is time to let your son go. He has to find his own way in the world and if he doesn't learn from his own experiences, he will at least be allowed to feel the good or bad consequences of his actions and decisions. If he is like my difficult child he will need to experience each negative experience at least oh let's say 10,000 times before they get an inkling that maybe they ought to reconsider.
After coming out the other side now............ I know we did the right thing. It just about killed me at the time and the effects were very long lasting. It's still painful to think about, but IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO!
Free yourself and free your son. This does not mean that you are relieving yourself of your parental duties or that you stop loving your son, because we both know that no matter how horrendous their actions or words are or have been, we still love them. They are our children and that will never change. This may give your son the opportunity to someday rethink his anger and acting out towards his family.
My difficult child is now 24. She was just 16 yrs. old when we let her go. We have always been in contact and we have always known how she was doing. I will be honest and tell you that our relationship with our difficult child is not what I would like for it to be. She is doing soooo much better than she was, but has still not gotten it all together. She does want a relationship with us now and knows that we are not up for the drama that is sometimes her life. We do interact with her with some caution. Remember that once burned saying? I don't know if we'll ever get past that, but for now, I am happy that there isn't the constant turmoil and the physical acting out that once was.
I hope my story has given you a little insight and something to consider. Huge hugs and loads of compassion for what you are going thru. I hope you find peace.
The DA saw the light and knew what was going on in our home, as we had called the police and sheriff regarding our daughter on many occasions. We had also talked to them, trying to get help. We had no legal charges brought against us. We did not lose our parental rights.
We did have an open case with CPS and that was the most humiliating experience of my life! Our daughter was first in a locked Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and over a period of time, she was moved to therapeutic foster care. WE chosenot to sever our parental rights. Notice I said WE, because we were given that choice. It was not our intention to get rid of our daughter, we loved her, but we also loved her enough to realize that we had no more to offer her. We couldn't "love" her better, we couldn't provide enough services to make her better, we couldn't encourage her enough to make her better. Nothing. So, we chose the best and really ONLY option we had left. We let her go.
I am going to say something here, that may not be too popular, but it is my belief. I don't think that medication and or therapy is the end all, be all that many people want it to be. I too wanted it to solve all of our problems, but it just isn't so. I think there are just some people in this world with their brains wired differently, that no amount of "help" we provide, is going to make a difference. It is time to let your son go. He has to find his own way in the world and if he doesn't learn from his own experiences, he will at least be allowed to feel the good or bad consequences of his actions and decisions. If he is like my difficult child he will need to experience each negative experience at least oh let's say 10,000 times before they get an inkling that maybe they ought to reconsider.
After coming out the other side now............ I know we did the right thing. It just about killed me at the time and the effects were very long lasting. It's still painful to think about, but IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO!
Free yourself and free your son. This does not mean that you are relieving yourself of your parental duties or that you stop loving your son, because we both know that no matter how horrendous their actions or words are or have been, we still love them. They are our children and that will never change. This may give your son the opportunity to someday rethink his anger and acting out towards his family.
My difficult child is now 24. She was just 16 yrs. old when we let her go. We have always been in contact and we have always known how she was doing. I will be honest and tell you that our relationship with our difficult child is not what I would like for it to be. She is doing soooo much better than she was, but has still not gotten it all together. She does want a relationship with us now and knows that we are not up for the drama that is sometimes her life. We do interact with her with some caution. Remember that once burned saying? I don't know if we'll ever get past that, but for now, I am happy that there isn't the constant turmoil and the physical acting out that once was.
I hope my story has given you a little insight and something to consider. Huge hugs and loads of compassion for what you are going thru. I hope you find peace.
Steely
Active Member
tbone........you might re-post your second question in a new post.
It might make others more able to address the question and problem. There are many on this board that have dealt with this, and might have a lot of answers.
Unfortunately I do not have direct experience with this or I would add more - but I recommend starting a new post and addressing your concerns in that so others that have had this experience can comment.
It might make others more able to address the question and problem. There are many on this board that have dealt with this, and might have a lot of answers.
Unfortunately I do not have direct experience with this or I would add more - but I recommend starting a new post and addressing your concerns in that so others that have had this experience can comment.
katya02
Solace
I think contacting the sheriff's office is a great idea. If you can speak to local law enforcement and explain your history and concerns it will make a difference if/when you have to call in a crisis. I also think that Plan B is a good idea, should you be unable to prevent your son coming home. He won't want to live in that environment even though it's perfectly safe and appropriate, and he'll either leave or do something for which you can call 911. Keep your cell phone with you 24/7, even in bed, and have 911 as a single-touch speed dial. If you feel unsafe, call. If you're not sure whether to call, call.
I strongly agree with MT3 above. Some people are wired differently and will not change with medications or therapy. It may take hundreds of bad experiences for them to learn what we hope they will, or they may never learn it. One of my kids said to me not long ago, "Mom, these people come from somewhere. It's not anything you did and it's not something you can fix."
That says it pretty well.
Keep posting, let us know if you're having any success with alternative placement.
I strongly agree with MT3 above. Some people are wired differently and will not change with medications or therapy. It may take hundreds of bad experiences for them to learn what we hope they will, or they may never learn it. One of my kids said to me not long ago, "Mom, these people come from somewhere. It's not anything you did and it's not something you can fix."
That says it pretty well.
Keep posting, let us know if you're having any success with alternative placement.
Big Bad Kitty
lolcat
Good gracious, I don't know how I missed this thread either!
TBone, first of all, hugs. You are not alone.
Might I suggest that you post your questions and concerns in the Parent Emetrius forum? Lots of traffic there from parents who are currently going through what you are.
TBone, first of all, hugs. You are not alone.
Might I suggest that you post your questions and concerns in the Parent Emetrius forum? Lots of traffic there from parents who are currently going through what you are.
