School motivation and consequences
- Thread starter TerryJ2
- Start date
I wanted to share with you something that I am hoping is a bit of a breakthrough for us over the last 2 days. My son has been so oppositional for months and it has been getting worse. My son has had consequences for what not doing homework--go to bed if you don't do it and deal with the consequences of the classroom. My son hasn't done homework for 2 months. About 3 weeks ago, we started listening to Total Transformation, and my son was rebelling like heck with the responsibility being placed back on him. He hated it because I refused to argue with him on it. He knew the consequence, and if he chose the wrong one, he was in trouble with the teacher and he would face a consequence at home. At first, he was fighting and fighting and fighting. He was getting violent over it. Then, the last two nights, he did it all! Every last bit. I could hear him talking to himself about wanting to be responsible. He was also reminding himself that he couldn't do anything if he didn't do it. It started sinking in. Are my son's grades in the pits right now? Yes. But they would have been if I had begged and pleaded and sat with him for 3 hours every night as well. For my son, with ODD, he has to learn the conseqences of his own choices. He can choose to succeed and he can choose to fail. It is his choice. For too many years, I have held his hand too much and in the process, I think I have crippled him. He has rebelled so much since we have been changing the way things are presented to him, but over the last two days, I have seen tiny changes in him. And for the first time in months, he got the homework done.
Just my two cents......what works for mine may not work for others.
Just my two cents......what works for mine may not work for others.
TerryJ2
Well-Known Member
Thank you all! Wow, great ideas here!
Anna and all,
Yes, he has been tested. Originally he tested several grade levels below his actual age, (we also did a tiny bit of psychiatric testing but wanted to focus on education) and that's when we decided on Sylvan. The psychologist called it a type of Learning Disability (LD) but said it was not permanent. (As an aside, now that I see the new research on ADHD, and how it seems to be a form of brain immaturity that can be changed, it was fortuitous that we took this route.) The Sylvan tutoring brought him up from Ds and Fs to As, but at the same time, we held him back a year. (I posted a long time ago about the types of tests but don't have them handy right now.)
I do not want to hold him back again! Especially when I see that he can do the work. The first time, holding him back scared the pants off of him and taught him that not only did we take school seriously, we, his parents and teachers, were in charge. It really helped with-the ODD.
We also did biofeedback, which helped somewhat, but after a yr, we opted to try Adderal, and when we saw the immediate improvement in focus and attention span, we decided to stick with-it for a cpl yrs.
His handwriting was crummy and the teachers were all over him for it, so one of the things I did was have him write things 10x when he was being disciplined. Most of that happened just after my breast cancer surgery and radiation, and he hated that I got all the attention, so I had him write, "I am sorry for being mean and saying your cancer was stupid," "I am sorry for being rude," "I promise not to swear," etc. His handwriting improved by leaps and bounds because he was ALWAYS mouthing off, LOL!
He also wore glasses for about 9 mos but doesn't need them any more.
I like the idea of small rewards. We used to do that when he was 5,6,7 but I guess I'd forgotten, and also assumed that he was too old for it. I think I should reframe it and look at it more like when I get up to stretch my back and get a cup of tea while I'm working on a painting. Something short and sweet, but not too involved or lengthy to become a distraction.
Yes, in the beginning he had to bring all his books home. Today, for the first time in a long time, I had him do it again, and I emailed the teacher to ask her to remind him. OMG, that's one heavy book bag!!!!!
A friend of mine came over today and worked on difficult child's computer ... he noticed disks all over the place, one was cracked in half, the others not in sleeves, scattered on the computer, on the desk, you name it. My friend grabbed the most obvious fun games (Backyard Baseball) and said he was taking them home until difficult child learned to take care of them.
So I told difficult child this afternoon, and he blurted out, indignantly, "That's stealing!"
I burst out laughing, and said, "No, I gave him permission. It takes a village."
"No it's not. We live in a city."
Aaaarrrgh!
Anna and all,
Yes, he has been tested. Originally he tested several grade levels below his actual age, (we also did a tiny bit of psychiatric testing but wanted to focus on education) and that's when we decided on Sylvan. The psychologist called it a type of Learning Disability (LD) but said it was not permanent. (As an aside, now that I see the new research on ADHD, and how it seems to be a form of brain immaturity that can be changed, it was fortuitous that we took this route.) The Sylvan tutoring brought him up from Ds and Fs to As, but at the same time, we held him back a year. (I posted a long time ago about the types of tests but don't have them handy right now.)
I do not want to hold him back again! Especially when I see that he can do the work. The first time, holding him back scared the pants off of him and taught him that not only did we take school seriously, we, his parents and teachers, were in charge. It really helped with-the ODD.
We also did biofeedback, which helped somewhat, but after a yr, we opted to try Adderal, and when we saw the immediate improvement in focus and attention span, we decided to stick with-it for a cpl yrs.
His handwriting was crummy and the teachers were all over him for it, so one of the things I did was have him write things 10x when he was being disciplined. Most of that happened just after my breast cancer surgery and radiation, and he hated that I got all the attention, so I had him write, "I am sorry for being mean and saying your cancer was stupid," "I am sorry for being rude," "I promise not to swear," etc. His handwriting improved by leaps and bounds because he was ALWAYS mouthing off, LOL!
He also wore glasses for about 9 mos but doesn't need them any more.
I like the idea of small rewards. We used to do that when he was 5,6,7 but I guess I'd forgotten, and also assumed that he was too old for it. I think I should reframe it and look at it more like when I get up to stretch my back and get a cup of tea while I'm working on a painting. Something short and sweet, but not too involved or lengthy to become a distraction.
Yes, in the beginning he had to bring all his books home. Today, for the first time in a long time, I had him do it again, and I emailed the teacher to ask her to remind him. OMG, that's one heavy book bag!!!!!
A friend of mine came over today and worked on difficult child's computer ... he noticed disks all over the place, one was cracked in half, the others not in sleeves, scattered on the computer, on the desk, you name it. My friend grabbed the most obvious fun games (Backyard Baseball) and said he was taking them home until difficult child learned to take care of them.
So I told difficult child this afternoon, and he blurted out, indignantly, "That's stealing!"
I burst out laughing, and said, "No, I gave him permission. It takes a village."
"No it's not. We live in a city."
Aaaarrrgh!
My difficult child does not have a diagnosis and is not on medication. At the moment he's doing much better and could almost be described as a easy child so I realize this may not work at all for some people but we've done two things that have worked well for him.
1. When he was really little, in the first grade. We paid him to do his homework. I'm embarrassed to admit it now but we said mom and dad have a job and get paid, your homework is your job. We only had to pay him until the fourth grade, then it became automatic. He's in middle school now and it makes him crazy when he can't get his homework done, even if he hates it.
2. We say no screens after supper until the homework is done.
Again, it works for us...not all the time but mostly.
1. When he was really little, in the first grade. We paid him to do his homework. I'm embarrassed to admit it now but we said mom and dad have a job and get paid, your homework is your job. We only had to pay him until the fourth grade, then it became automatic. He's in middle school now and it makes him crazy when he can't get his homework done, even if he hates it.
2. We say no screens after supper until the homework is done.
Again, it works for us...not all the time but mostly.
