Seven years later - daughter on another continent - same issues

[BusynMember]

I think less is more
in my opinion that's too much engagement, encouraging her to keep it up.

Another take on that is "I'm glad that you figured out your life. That's great. I love you." Forward no money. Convey very shortly that you are happy for her. Don't answer any follow up texts.

The object is to cut off the money in any way you want to handle it. She can do whatever she likes, but not on your dime or even penny.

 

[Snow White]

OMG! It appears that you have all "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt!" And you are definitely showing me the error of my ways. I would have been sucked back into the vortex of words...and then into the vicious 'circular' conversation. I spent far too much time trying to decipher her comments and planning responses. She is working on the fear factor of writing a book (which will probably read as well as "Mommy Dearest") about her horrible family and upbringing. She does have a gift for writing, though!!!

I will wait another day before I respond to her - I will keep the words short and to the point. Thank you for the suggestions of what to say. It really, really helps. There will be NO MONEY given. With the exception of the jail bailout, she would always promise to pay back every cent. Ha! Her friend who is bankrolling her trip has shelled out in excess of $30K ($1,000 to $1,200 per month). I guess that's "love" and "support" to her.

It's sad that she can't put as much effort into looking for a job as she does in crafting her epic e-mails! She might be on the New York Times best seller list!

 

[RN0441]

Difficult Child are resourceful when they WANT something but they do sit back and prefer for us to do the icky stuff. Like pay bills for them, etc.

 

[BusynMember]

Mommie Dearest was a book about a movie star. Daughters book would never get published and if she self-published nobody would read it. She and you are not famous. Nobody cares unless you are famous. Also you can sue if she lies. Don't even worry about this threat.

Don't get into a ticking contest with her. Just do what is best for you and don't talk about it. Maybe she'll have to actually get a job when the ATM of Mom closes.

I would never let her live with you again. Ever.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Mcdonna, when I first found this site, I was in a similar place....the wonderful folks here kept me from continuing down the same road and gave me tools that helped so much. Once the patterning was interrupted, there was no turning back. Over time, I used those new tools and the peace of mind that came as a result of not engaging with my daughter continuously, to learn how to detach, let go and accept what is. It's remarkable to me, even now, how much life can change once WE start to change and once WE stop enabling our kids. It's also remarkable to me how our kids find ways to get their needs met without us. They are resourceful.

Instead of thinking about your daughter, go out and do something really nurturing and fun for YOU.

 

[Kalahou]

I'm following along Mcdonna. I agree with the others

I think less is more...
Another take on that is "I'm glad that you figured out your life. That's great. I love you."

This is quite enough.

I will wait another day before I respond to her - I will keep the words short and to the point.

Good. In fact, why not wait 2 or 3 days or even more before responding. What's the hurry? If you feel you need to explain the delay, you could preface the reply with "just saw your email.." This could imply you've been busily occupied with other matters / that you have a life (not concerning her)
P.S. I wouldn't give the book a second thought ~
Hang in there!

 

[susiestar]

NO MONEY should be a given. It is one thing to help out when YOU want to, it is another to be harrassed and blackmailed into it. She is 25. At that age I was married and expecting my 2nd child, not expecting to be treated like a child by my parents. If she were in the US, she would be of age to have finished college and be working to build a career. Her career is clearly traveling on someone else's dime, fraud, and emotional blackmail. Let her support herself on that or whatever else she wants to do with her life.

The others are right about replying. Short and sweet is best. Nothing you say will really matter, and the more you say, the more she will twist your words to upset you and manipulate you.

My brother used to do this to my parents. He also waited until my parents had company to ask for outrageous things or drop bombshells. My mom finally got tired of it and of being his personal storage unit. He announced a plan to walk to Washington (we live in the center of the country, not near either Washington) and the ONLY response he got totally ended the conversation for the dinner. All my mom said was "That's nice. Where are you going to put your stuff while you are gone?" He was mid-20s and still had all his stuff in his old room at their home. Bro was NOT happy because he didn't get his conflict fix.

Tell her you are happy she is happy, and you know she will figure out a solution to her problems, and that you have absolute faith in her ability to navigate this life she has chosen on her own terms. Then go do something that you truly enjoy!

 

[Echolette]

I know you have moved on to a different exchange, but I just want to point out that any correspondence or communication that focuses on what YOU must do is...off base. And honestly, similarly, you don't need to tell her what to do either. Don't give her money, don't tell her what to do, applaud her victories as she claims them (I think this response is perfect)

"We will always have positive thoughts for you! You are on an amazing journey that only you can travel. I hope you share some of the high lights with us in the future. Until then, we will keep you in our heart."

Then, as I suggested in the other thread, hit delete and go do something nice with your husband.

You will be happier soon, I promise. You are on a good track.

 

[Kathy813]

I suppose it is really just geography. If she were at home, we'd still be supporting her financially.

Why???

~Kathy

 

[BusynMember]

Yikes! I have the same question. Why on earth would you financially support a 26 year old woman for ANY reason? Because she'd get angry if you didnt?? I don't get it...guilt? Why? How would she ever learn to stand on her own two feet? Parents don't live forever. How will she deal with this if she never has?

 

[Echolette]

Try not to play the 'if things were different we would be different and she would be different' game. Although I agree w SWOT and Kathy (no supporting 27 year olds except
Through short and goal oriented transitions and then only if they partner by being kind fair helpful and compliant), also think if one thing in this picture were different (geography) lots of things would be different and who knows where we would be.

 

[Snow White]

Update time! I waited several days and sent a very short email response to Difficult Child. Basically told her that we have faith in her ability to navigate her life and that she no longer needs our advice or help. Received a reply early this morning. She thanked me and said she loved us. She called me at work 30 minutes ago. Very pleasant. I waited for the "money request" but no outward one came.

Difficult Child said she had recently worked on a boat for a 2 week temp job. Supposedly didn't earn very much but her "room & food" were covered with a little stipend in addition (never know what the real truth is). This is the most she has worked in 2 years!!! She CAN do it. I told her I was really happy to hear that. She implied that her next course of travel (she wants to ride her bicycle from Bangkok, where it is currently in storage, to Vietnam) would cost some money but that once she started the trip she wouldn't be drinking and would be staying in local village rooms. Also said she was going to be smart and not get into any fights or frequent the bars. I think she's in a bit of a 'manic' stage, where she gets really focused and optimistic. Difficult Child said she chose Vietnam as the end of this cycling project, as "it is the country with the best opportunities for foreign workers."

She asked my opinions on a few things. I bit my tongue and turned it around, reminding her that I have never cycled anywhere other than my own city and that she knows herself and the landscape there better than I do. She asked me about "how to market her trip", as she wants to blog it, etc. Told her she needed to do her research, as this is her journey. She agreed.

It was a nice 30 minute conversation. The entire time, I had this post open on my computer, so that I wouldn't cave in if she started asking for support/assistance. I was an active listener and offered positive feedback. I will remain cautiously optimistic. This is only the beginning of the next month or so that she has planned for.

 

[JaneBetty]

Good for you and good for your daughter!

 

[Albatross]

Wow, great job, McDonna! I love the way you just let her do the talking and decision-making and figuring it out, and you just offered support and faith and optimism. Such good news!

 

[RN0441]

That is great! She is starting to get it. Good for you both.

Have a peaceful weekend and enjoy this time.

 

[Mamacat]

Reading this reminded me of my daughter. She would say some of the same things to me...I judge her, I don't support her, she's different....all the while I'm totally supporting her financially and every other way. I rarely said anything about the abusers she kept going back to. Just rescued her when the s**t hit the fan. Now she's not speaking to me because I said no. I miss my granddaughters.and I'm wanting to blame my husband because he threw her out of our house 2 years ago. I'm seeing a psychologist on Tuesday. I need help!!!!!

 

[BusynMember]

At age 71, id think your daughter would be caring about you, your health and well being and your future. Shame on her in middle age for not giving you peace abd for accepting your money and having the gall to ask for more. She is your child, but she is not a nice person. I have a son I love, but I know he isnt nice. I get it. I would never support him financially. He is getting close to 40 and will not change. I dont expect it and it is his loss on many levels.

Its time for you to look out for you or you wont have time. what will she do when you are gone? who will she blame and falsely abuse?

This type of person makes me very upset...so willing to hurt, so unwilling to show an ounce of compassion. I hope you get off the roller coaster and enjoy the time you still have. You can hang with those who treat you kindly. if you like kids and she withholds your grandchildren, you can mentor kid's at school. Most districts have a senior mentoring program. They may not be your grands, but they need you and your daughter is being vile.

Many hugs. Dont be angry at your husband. He is your support and in my opinion he did the right thing. No man would tolerate your daughter. Nor should one have to.

 

[Mamacat]

At age 71, id think your daughter would be caring about you, your health and well being and your future. Shame on her in middle age for not giving you peace abd for accepting your money and having the gall to ask for more. She is your child, but she is not a nice person. I have a son I love, but I know he isnt nice. I get it. I would never support him financially. He is getting close to 40 and will not change. I dont expect it and it is his loss on many levels.

Its time for you to look out for you or you wont have time. what will she do when you are gone? who will she blame and falsely abuse?

This type of person makes me very upset...so willing to hurt, so unwilling to show an ounce of compassion. I hope you get off the roller coaster and enjoy the time you still have. You can hang with those who treat you kindly. if you like kids and she withholds your grandchildren, you can mentor kid's at school. Most districts have a senior mentoring program. They may not be your grands, but they need you and your daughter is being vile.

Many hugs. Dont be angry at your husband. He is your support and in my opinion he did the right thing. No man would tolerate your daughter. Nor should one have to.

Thank you for what you said. I go into Lala land sometimes and want to blame my husband (her stepdad). Yes he did put up with a lot. An adult daughter should not be living with us in the first place. It started probably 10 years ago when she quit a teaching job, sold a house, had over $100,000 in bank account, bought an rv, and took off and travelled for a year. It's been one thing after another ever since. Today I've been sad wondering when I'll see my grandchildren again, but I heard what you said about volunteering and mentoring children. My husband just left to take a drive because he's tired of my moping around. I don't blame him. We've spent a lot of our retired life dealing with her and my "feelings." We have a good life aside from that. We're able to travel and have recently moved to the country. I've got to get a grip on myself and moved forward. Sometimes it's really hard!

 

[BusynMember]

Amman, as soon as hub retires we are going to buy an older RV (hub is a mechanic) and drive Southwest for the winter. Want to meet there??? Hehe.

It is too hard to live with other adults, even well behaved helpful adult kids. I don't really want any of my kids, nice ones included, living with us. Husband and I deserve a great retirement and so do you. Your husband is a saint if he lived with that daughter and the Grands for ten years.

He and you deserve to let go of daughter and realize you can't obsess over grandchildren anymore...that requires possibly killing yourself while you give daughter all she demands. You need to finally own your life and have fun. You know you can't win with daughter. Stop trying. Your Grande will grow and learn to deal with her, maybe in ways she doesn't enjoy. She sets a bad example and you can't stop her or save the Grands.

Your husband deserves a happy wife.

in my opinion it is best for all of you finally let go and enjoy. You can't take care of anyone but you and you matter.

Take care and meet me in Arizona

 

[Mamacat]

Amman, as soon as hub retires we are going to buy an older RV (hub is a mechanic) and drive Southwest for the winter. Want to meet there??? Hehe.

It is too hard to live with other adults, even well behaved helpful adult kids. I don't really want any of my kids, nice ones included, living with us. Husband and I deserve a great retirement and so do you. Your husband is a saint if he lived with that daughter and the Grands for ten years.

He and you deserve to let go of daughter and realize you can't obsess over grandchildren anymore...that requires possibly killing yourself while you give daughter all she demands. You need to finally own your life and have fun. You know you can't win with daughter. Stop trying. Your Grande will grow and learn to deal with her, maybe in ways she doesn't enjoy. She sets a bad example and you can't stop her or save the Grands.

Your husband deserves a happy wife.

in my opinion it is best for all of you finally let go and enjoy. You can't take care of anyone but you and you matter.

Take care and meet me in Arizona

I do need to correct something. She didn't live with us ten years. She lived in our house off and on during a ten year period. The last time was for about 8 months. That was when he threw her out. It's a long saga. There was always some calamity from which we swooped in to rescue her.
We have a travel trailer and use it to travel, especially to the
Gulf coast. We live in Texas. Come down here. It's nice in the winter. We have lots of winter Texans.