She stole $13,000

[Crayola13]

I think it's great that she's getting her masters degree. I hope nothing interferes with that. She should have a heart-to-heart talk with her mom and come clean. Her mom can set up safeguards to prevent this from happening in the future. They can work out a payment plan. Some students work two jobs while getting their masters degree, but if hurts their grades. She is almost finished, so I think I would wait to start a second job. If she decides to get her PhD, the theft might continue. Getting the masters is expensive, but a PhD costs a great deal more and can take years. If she gets away with this, it's no telling how much more she could steal. I'm betting her mom wouldn't press charges. Now that she will have advanced education, her earning potential should be higher unless she applies at one of those companies that won't hire people with masters degrees because they don't want to pay the salary the employee is qualified to make. Also, if her education is higher than that of her boss, it can really threw a wrench into things. I truly hope she finds a job paying the salary she's qualified to make and that will allow her to pay her mom back sooner.

As for your moral objections and your job, maybe you could talk to your boss about what is weighing on you. If you decide to marry her, I think you have to be prepared and willing to endure years of financial infidelity. Don't try to change her. People go into marriages thinking they can change the other person, but it only leads to divorce. Ask yourself if you could live with a lifetime of financial lies and possibly money troubles. Money is the number one reason married couples argue and get divorced. She might cause you to go into bankruptcy. Do you think she's capable of participating in a financial scam? Even if you don't let her have access to bank accounts and credit cards, she's going to be able to open up credit cards. You would be responsible for all of that.

Couples counseling or pre-marital counseling might be an option. You can't know if what she did was only a one-time thing. If you two just want to move in together, your finances would be separate under the law and in the eyes of banks, etc. A lot of people don't approve of living together before marriage, but I know you love her. At the same time, marriage could really complicate matters.

 

[Copabanana]

I love Crayola's point of view. The first point she makes that I cannot disagree with is the need to come clean with the Mom. (I wanted to protect the Mom, but the Mom too has been a participant in this entire scam, and needs to face her piece of it.)

Don't try to change her. People go into marriages thinking they can change the other person, but it only leads to divorce. Ask yourself if you could live with a lifetime of financial lies and possibly money troubles.

I agree with this, too.

You have a right to be protected and an obligation to protect yourself and any children you may have, with whom you eventually choose.

That said, people decide to change. Yes. We cannot force a person to change, but people decide to change, and often this Is motivated by crises such as this, and how THEY CHOOSE TO
respond.

She might cause you to go into bankruptcy.

Yes, As a married person her debts are your debts. And there is every reason to expect that she would siphon off community property money (her own or your earnings) to a personal account, as her mother did. How could she have another expectation of how to be, if this was how she was raised? And she participated with her mother to do it?

Even if you don't let her have access to bank accounts and credit cards, she's going to be able to open up credit cards. You would be responsible for all of that.

Yes. This is a real eye opener. A lot of older people (I am older) choose not to marry because they cannot put themselves at risk when they are at the age when they do not have the capacity to work or to save, to replace the losses.

It really all goes back to you. What you want for yourself; what your values are; what kind of relationship you seek.

Somebody on this thread mentioned earlier: this is a blessing in disguise. Better that you know.