She's moving into an apartment with the boyfriend

[Signorina]

Yep - my difficult child sold the RayBan sunglasses we gave him for his Confirmation and his "fancy" cell phone. He also took all of his jewelry with him back to school: the 4-5 gold medals/crosses he was given at his Christening or Confirmation, the Fossil watch we gave him for his 13th birthday, the gaudy, but ridiculously expensive football championship ring (that he "had" to have) from his junior year. I am sure they've all been sold by now. Things he should have cherished forever.

 

[rejectedmom]

Aww Nancy I am so sorry. My difficult child has just lost the last of his possessions. I got to the point that I didn't want to let him have any of his good stuff as he changes address so frequently he looses everything each time. But as husband said it is hisstuff not ours and a even though we bought it a gift is a gift. So difficult child took what was left when he went off to live with his last girlfriend. He then went to prison for her crime and she never returned his stuff even though she was asked repeatedly. She has moved, I don't know where, and now difficult child has only what he went to prison with which will be out of season when he gets out. If he is released in Jan, as he seems to think, he will have a pair of shorts, a pair of sandles, and a t-shirt. Will I buy him warm cloths? I just don't know anymore. If I do they won't be expensive and they will be from the Goodwill. -RM

 

[DDD]

It is, in my humble opinion, not only a difficult child thing but also a contemporary easy child thing alot of the times. I think Insane put it best. What is important to a parent is not necessarily important to the child. Personally I think it's rather sad.

I grew up where parents and grandparents "passed on" things to the next generation that had been in the family and had associations with family celebrations etc. Often they were not things of great dollar value but they were of emotional value. I've only done this twice. I gave my easy child all my sterling silver and a few crystal items that belonged to her great grandmother. She and her husband entertain and use those items with love. I mailed a pair of jade earrings to a easy child gd last year with a brief note. The earrings were unusual and had "some" value but the reason I sent them to her was because she is the only one who could wear them. I believed she would enjoy wearing them at her age.,,she is a stylist 25 year old. She received them. I've never received a note or email.

That made me think about the difference in generations. I had planned to do "the list" that goes with the will. Now, after a fair amount of thought, I don't think I will. They purchase what they want. It's just the way it is. My children had a wonderful childhood. In differing degrees they will remember the past and mourn my passing when it happens years from now but they don't care about items. DDD

 

[Nancy]

I have a hard time thinking any of this is normal. Maybe normal for a difficult child who has different values but not normal for a well adjusted person who cherishes the connections between family members. She loved the necklace and the bracelt and the ipod. She was thrilled with them. But she has never taken care of anything in her life that should have meant something to her and what I have noticed is that she seems to have no feeling of loss when they are gone, by whatever means.

All of the people I know feel badly when they lose something that is important to them, wether it is by neglect or by accident, there is a normal feeling of sadness or remorse. This is the difference, there is no remorse. I don't think that is normal at all, I think it is a symptom of what the underlying problem has been all along.

Nancy

 

[Malika]

I But she has never taken care of anything in her life that should have meant something to her
Nancy

But she is... She's taking care of her baby. I know this is so hard for you, Nancy, and of course it's none of my business (except that we are both members of this forum), but believe it or not your daughter comes into my mind sometimes and I feel she is doing a courageous thing right now. And forgive me because I know very little of the history. I hope and pray for your family that motherhood will be her path to salvation.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Like many of us, I stopped giving Oldest anything of value years ago for birthdays or Christmases. She seems to lose a few more of her possessions with each move. I've grown numb to it.

Youngest left almost everything she owned in Florida. Several family heirlooms I'd given to her for her children, all of her photographs, kids' baby books, toys, books, yearbooks, clothes, furniture, everything. All she had was what we could fit into the rental van when I drove down there to get her and the kids. I could kick myself for thinking she was more trustworthy with such things than her sister is. She's hoping to get a few things back, especially the baby books, but we'll see. It's a long story as to the how and why.

I still tear sometimes up when I think of some of the things I lovingly picked out as gifts, or things my parents gave my girls as gifts, that were just cast aside or forgotten. But someone pointed out to me not long ago that it's not the "things" that are important to me, it's the memories attached to those things. Those can't be lost, thankfully. Still, it hurts.. I know. And now, I don't attach sentimentality to gift giving. Just practicality. That kind of hurts, too.

 

[Nancy]

Malika I am not being callous, I really am a very sensitive person who considers people's feelings almost to my detriment. However if smoking and allowing her boyfriend to smoke around her and eating only junk food and not getting any pre-natal care is being responsible I'm clueless. I'm not being a jerk when I say that if there is anyone who shouldn't have a child it's her. Anyone that knows her intimately would say the same thing. She is having this baby for her, so that she has someone to love, so that she can say she didn't give it up for adoption like her bm did, not so that this child has a chance in life. Her background and his is a clear indication that this child will have a very very difficult struggle in life, a struggle that she is totally unequipped to handle. She has never done anything in her life that didn't feel good at the time and this is no different. She is doing this because she now has all the attention on herself, and she thrives on that. This guy is just a series of guys she has had in her life over the years, she has no connection to him and he is a felon and she is moving in with him. In my way of thinking that isn't taking care of her baby.

I have traveled this road many years now and there is nothing that can overcome the heredity that you are born with. husband and I were naive in thinking there was but there isn't. In spite of all that we love her with all our heart and we are sick that she is making the choices she is but they are her choices and all we can do now is watch.

Nancy

 

[rejectedmom]

Nancy, I too have learned that it is nature not nurture that prevails. We were young and idealistic when we adopted our kids. I knew mine wasn't normal at the time but I believed that with love and training he would learn to lead a good life. That has not happened yet. Maybe it will but I do not make that the basis of my love for him. So like you I love him but I do not approve of his choices and I no longer feel obliged to give him things that I know will not be cherished. -RM

 

[Signorina]

Nancy, I know that you have to dismiss hope now. But if it's any consolation, my aunt fostered a newborn from his birth When she found out that this baby had a 2yo sister also in foster care, she took her in as well. Though it was supposed to be an emergency, short term placement - these children stayed with her until they were adopted 4 years later-transitioning them to their adoptive family and working with the state to finally get the mother's parental rights terminated. Both my aunt and the adoptive family provided the kids with a wonderful home and family life-including morals and values.

The children were bright, loving respectful studious young people until they hit HS. The girl turned to drugs, gangs -a horrific lifestyle, ran away, gave up a baby for adoption, dropped out of HS, failed at multiple rehab attempts, went to jail etc etc.

About 6 years ago, she got pregnant again at age 20. She decided to keep the baby and when it was born, she started to fall back on the way she was raised. The good examples --- the morals and values she was raised with -- and the strong fine parenting she received paid off. It was those skills - including the abiding love - that she emulated as a mother. She straightened her life out, got clean, got her GED, met a fine young man, married him and has another child. By all accounts, she is living a clean and peaceful "soccer mom" life with her H and 2 kids.

I am sharing with you because I know that you feel like the nurture was a waste since it is the "nature" that has taken over. I just want you to know that the foundation of love and the example you set still exists inside of her somewhere. As she becomes a mother, she may very well draw upon it. Maybe not right away, maybe not soon enough...but she has it there and she will be a better mother because of it. {{{hugs}}}

 

[Nancy]

Thanks for sharing that story Signorina. There is always that hope.

Nancy

 

[jinger]

Nancy...as long as she is alive, there is hope. Sending you strength and courage.

 

[DammitJanet]

Nancy...there is always hope. Just look how far Cory has come. I seriously thought it was a disaster when Keyana was going to be born. And do remember, he is a felon. You would simply not believe the change that has been made between what he was at 20 and what he is at 25. It is a 180. Seriously. I mean he just had a psychiatric exam and they only dxd him with Severe ADHD Impulsive type. rule out BiPolar (BP).

He is no longer the difficult child that brought me here. Yeah he has problems but who doesnt. He is a great father and loves kids to death. He would probably scare you if you saw him with your dtr until he spoke to you because he looks awful because of his physical issues but he is nice as can be and polite.

I really am praying that what happened with Cory will happen with your dtr. That time will be her friend. It also happened with me. It only took me till 21 or so.