Silent treatment

[newstart]

I have been studying about the silent treatment. Everything I read about it is negative. I told my daughter I was taking a break and if she texts I will answer in short sentences. I just don't have anything more to say to her. We wrote her a text and told her we were not giving her the silent treatment we are just communicating differently. She has posted a bunch of garbage on FB about the silent treatment and how immature I am. After I have been constantly lied to, been ripped off and told off, I really do not have any chit chat left in me and all she does is lie to me anyway so I just can't make the words come out. It's not that I want to give her the silent treatment it is just that words do not come out of my mouth towards my daughter, a person that wants me dead to get the will and buy her and her boyfriend a house. I just have no words to say to another human being that is so ugly to me. I just can't even mutter the words. I found out my daughter is staying with her boyfriend at his mother house. I am guessing she may move in there with him, if so I will need to sell the house.. And when they get into their regular knock out drag down fights she will have no place to go and want to come over here with all her drama. Needless to say I have been house hunting. I love my home here, so peaceful and cozy but probably need to move. I am getting older and would love to have the love of my daughter.. She is not capable at this manic time, if ever.
I read over and over again that the silent treatment is the worst and can do the most damage..... I just don't know what my alternative is, I just can't take her BS anymore. My words are stuck. Anything I say anyway fall of deaf ears.

 

[LeaMac]

I know exactly what you mean. After our daughter stole from us, lied and manipulat d us relentlessly, I simply ran out of words. Normal, loving mother words. After her first time in rehab, when we helped her rent a room and get back on her feet, I tried. I would meet her for supper, take her shopping for groceries, encouraged her to start an evening class inEarly Childhood. I thought maybe we could get our relationship back. But then she turned back to drugs, broke into our home by breaking a window while we were gone, has had two children with different men. She lives a lifestyle we simply can’t be around. I haven’t seen her for almost three years, I have tried a few times in that span to at least have chatty texts, but they always turn into her demands for money. I berate myself for not trying harder to reconnect. Like you, I would like a loving real with our only child. But how to have that with someone who, as a grown woman, has robbed us and lied and continues to blame us for not helping her out “just this last time”.

 

[Hopeful parent]

I can relate to both of these posts. Except mine is my son. He is with a narcissist young woman, who turns him against us. They live a drug fuelled drama ridden life. I can't help my son as his girlfriend's family's enabling also works against us. I feel for both of you. My son is 40 and I have decided enough is enough. Leamac please don't berate yourself for not trying harder. I do this all the time. I go over and over what I have done wrong, what I should have done, but the truth is I can't do any more, or give anymore than I have, as I am sure you can't either. I try to chit chat with my son when he rings, then he asks for money, I say no, then I get called every disgusting name you can think of. The fact that you say you haven't seen your daughter for 3 years, actually gives me strength to cut ties with my son. Newstart, My son has also told us he could kill us. This is one of the reasons I have decided to cut ties completely with my son. As I believe this type of talk is dangerous. I think for our own sanity we need to do this. I know it is hard, but in my case, once I made the decision and I might add it has only been a couple of weeks, the first week I cried everyday like I was grieving, but this week I have started to settle down and accepted that this is what I must do. I have been practicing self care, mindfulness and yoga, visiting friends, getting my hair done and trying hard to be positive. I have decided that I have given 40 years to my son and it has not helped him, so now it is time to move on. Some of the stories from others on this site have helped me also. There is some good advice on here. Both of your stories are so similar to mine. It makes you wonder What is going on in today's society that is causing these problems. I wish you both the best, and hope we can help each other to be strong.

 

[RN0441]

I'm so sorry ladies.

I hope you give yourself grace and permission to disown these children that do not deserve your love at this time.

Just for now. Things could change...or not.

You all deserve love and to live a peaceful life. We can choose who is in our lives. If anyone called me names the phone would click and I would never pick it up again. I don't care who it is. I will not tolerate that type of treatment and you should not either.

Stay strong.

 

[newstart]

Thank you for your comments and insights. I was studying some more and this is what I came up with. Silent Treatment- when you want to punish someone. No contact- When you need to heal from someone's abuse and need time away from them. Ghosting is kind of like that. I am for sure doing the no contact or taking a break to get myself away from her horrible abuse. I will be studying some more on how to protect myself better.
I try, I try harder and then some more and when I think I am getting somewhere, BAM right back to square one. The snake will not quit biting and I have to take it for what it is.

 

[RN0441]

I think we are all like that, go back and forth.

Just take one day at a time and don't think of anything as "forever".

This too will change.

 

[JayPee]

Newstart, I feel your pain and you sound like you're punishing yourself for not communicating with your daughter. If I can add a different perspective to this it would be that you are not giving her the silent treatment, you are setting up boundaries to protect yourself. Remember a boundary doesn't have to be permanent nor does it have to be a wall. It can be a bridge or whatever helps you envision making this space you've created for yourself a healthy and peaceful place to heal. Also, a boundary doesn't have to be forever. For several years I would not let my two homeless (off and on again) sons into my home. For several reasons. I knew my heart couldn't bear to put them out when it was time to go. Also, I couldn't let them in because of their verbal abuse and blatent disrespect towards me.

Don't get me wrong. There was plenty of the "FOG" (fear, obligation and guilt) that went with my boundary but as time went on and their old bad behaviors kept rearing their ugly heads, I knew I made the right decision. It allowed me to see them on mutual turf and allowed me to leave them at a moments notice if I needed to. It was my "safety net" that I created to care for myself and allow myself to calm my nerves and not be so anxious all the time.

Fast forward 3 1/2 yrs. later, believe it or not I have only recently allowed them in for dinner and/or a cup of coffee with explicit notice that neither one (as harsh as it sounds) of them will ever live with me again. They have a long way to go but I only did this because they have begun to make improvements for themselves. They have taken the long hard winding road but as long as I see some light at the end of this road, I'm happy to wait for them.

Just remember it's not selfish to care for yourself. We mother's have a hard time with that.

I would suggest you get some good books on setting boundaries...

 

[Copabanana]

you're punishing yourself for not communicating with your daughter. If I can add a different perspective to this it would be that you are not giving her the silent treatment, you are setting up boundaries to protect yourself. Remember a boundary doesn't have to be permanent nor does it have to be a wall.

Newstart. I am following along here. I wish I had more time to post but I wanted to second what JP is saying here.

It seems as if your center of gravity is still located in your daughter, not in you. You may be interpreting all of this in terms of how she will feel, how she could feel, instead of what you need and how YOU feel.

As long as you and I evaluate our actions, decisions, and even welfare based upon some hypothetical effect on them we will remain lost to ourselves.

Your actions are based upon what you need for right now. Your intention is not to cause harm or hurt. Your intention as I read it is to protect yourself from harm so as to begin to heal. Your daughter has a choice about how to respond to this. Unfortunately our kids have learned to masterfully manipulate us. They may cast themselves as victims and martyrs, in order to continue to have the advantage. And like well-trained monkeys sometimes we can accuse ourselves as having done this to them, too.

I let my son stay here last week. I made simple limits due to social isolating which he did not like. For one, I don't want you to cook in my space. His response? So you're throwing me out on the street again. Even though I know better I felt like a perpetrator. While I did not backslide, he was able to interpret my reaction to him as a yes. And what did he do? Let himself into my part of the house and cook his salmon on the stove when I had asked him not to. He intuited my weakening, and he plunged in beyond any boundary.

On some level I have taught my son that I don't have any legitmate boundaries. Or none that he need observe as valid. Maybe this is something deep inside of me. That I have made true. That I am not worthy to protecct myself. But I am. And so are you. All of us are worthy.

This is why we need firm, firm boundaries, at least at first. Even when we know rationally what we must do (like coronavirus), our hearts and deep thoughts, may not so convinced of the legitimacy of our needs, of what we deserve. And our children, twist their long knives there, in that soft spot. And worse than that, we can do it to ourselves, too. At least I do.

When these thoughts come up in us, Newstart, we are called upon to be good mothers to ourselves, first and foremost. Absent that, I am good for nobody.

 

[newstart]

Thank you all for such wonderful support. Found out my daughter was at her boyfriends house tonight, it is about an hour away. I went over to her home and made an inspection of the property. To my surprise, the house looked very clean. I now know the boyfriend has not been there or lived there for a while. I noticed she was painting again and I got to see what a talented artist she is.
I think I have pin pointed where my pain comes from. It comes from the lies and rejection. When I go over to my daughters house, I am not over there ever very long, not over 45 minutes- 1 hour. I try very hard to not intrude or get into her space and I wait until I am invited. She suggested we have meals together and she suggested we spend time together and then the boyfriend called and things went south quickly. She then talked to me with ugly words and tone. I am 63 years old and I promise, I have never talked to anyone like that.
I am taking care of myself. I am working at putting my needs first. My family came first and it is hard for me to do for me but I am starting.
My daughter is ripping us off a son in law. I know that my deceased son cannot be replaced, but when she did have nice boyfriends my son's void was not quite so large.

RN~ Saw where your son made the deans list. Said a prayer of gratitude for you.

Copa~ Where was your son suppose to cook his salmon? We have an outdoor kitchen and all grilling and cooking is out there. My husband can grill the best rainbow trout in the world. Yes, we need to be good mothers to our own self. You are so wise Copa.
JayPee~ You have your hands full with you two boys. I was so happy to hear that they are doing somewhat better.

Hopeful Parent~ I know it has to be horribly painful for you to cut ties. But after you realize your child wants you dead, it put things in a entire different perspective.
LeaMac, I cried when I read your post. Your only child and daughter acting horrible. Unfair. I am also a biker and hiker! The feeling of rejection is so overwhelming that it hurts my cells. I send you understanding and love. Love and compassion to all of us hurting.

 

[BusynMember1]

Hi and hope you are feeling better. It is so very hard.

New, losing a son is an emptiness in the heart that is never filled. I am not in any way defending your daughter. She has been awful and I wish she would stop. However, we have no right or power to tell our daughters who to pick as boyfriends. It is in my opinion unfair to be angry that your daughter picked a boyfriend that won't include you. This is actually common. Be angry at your daughter for reasons that are about how SHE treats you...I am with Kay.....but please don't blame her for not picking a boyfriend who makes you feel good. I understand why you want it, but that is not one of her issues. We all pick whom we want and usually Mom is not a consideration in our choices.

I am sending all of my prayers and love. Take care of yourself first. You matter.

 

[newstart]

Hi Busynmember, If my daughter JUST picked a horrible mate I could possibly look the other way. It is the lies, disrespect and all the other stuff that goes with it. It is hours of listening to my daughter complain to me what a loser he is, how stupid he is, what a mess he is, how he can't do anything right. There are times I actually feel sorry for him. He has developed a knot in his chest that he will not have looked at. I believe that knot is from the stress they both put each other through. In the past my daughter picked good decent men. I know clearly and understand deeply that I cannot pick my daughter's mate or anyone's else's mate for that matter and I don't want that task either. I just want my daughter to be happy with who she picks and she is stressed, in agony, confusion and pain with the mate she is with yet cannot get out of it. Because she is so miserable with HER choice she is toxic to all around her. If she was happy with her mate and I disliked him I could just look away. They are both horrible together, she will even tell me how toxic they are. So I am staying out of it and I just can't take the lies and all the dark stuff that goes with it. I feel used and abused. I am simply wore out to the core. Love, compassion back to you.

 

[Hopeful parent]

Hi Newstart, I understand what you mean in the above thread. I feel the same way about my son's partner. I have two other children besides my problem son, whose partners over the years, some I have liked, some I have not. But I have always treated them with respect and not interfered in any of their relationships. I am still on good terms with my problem son's ex wife and my daughters ex husband. The problem is that the partner my son is with now is TOXIC, toxic to the point it is contributing to his downfall (I'm not excluding him from the blame either, he chooses this life), it is also toxic for me and my family. They drag us into their problems. We don't go looking for it. So I understand exactly why you feel as you do about her partner. It is not a normal relationship if they are using drugs together and living a toxic life together, and you mentioned in the top thread they want you dead to get your will. This is dangerous. I think this is an entirely different situation to the normal feeling of not liking your daughters choice in a mate. I hope you can find the strength to detach from them and find some happiness for yourself. I always find strength in reading books on detachment and selfcare etc and Al-Anon books. I think about my son's problems all the time. This is where the problem becomes mine, not his. This is where we need to stop. I use distraction techniques now when I start to rehash it all in my mind over and over again until I am just about crazy. I have enrolled in an online anxiety and stress course which is run by one of the top hospitals in Australia. It has good techniques for solving problems. One is if you can't solve a problem then you need to develop ways to distract yourself from the problem. Another exercise is to go 'happy hunting' where each day you try and find atleast 3 or 4 good things that have happened in your day, seek them out and find them and write them down everyday. Sorry if I am rambling but just trying to give you ideas on ways I am using to try and help myself recover from the terrible events that are in our lives at the moment.

 

[newstart]

Thank you Hopeful parent for your genuine support and ideas on how to make my life better. I am sorry you are on this struggle with me and I pray for your situation and I appreciate your support. I do study books and articles on how to help myself and my husband better. In 2018 I lost my mother and my two best friends to death. They were my strongest support system. My husband and I have been trying to make our lives better each day by eating right and exercising. Thank you hopeful parent for your suggestions and I love that you are seeking so much help to help yourself, I too will go 'happy hunting'. I have been looking for distractions but it has been a bit tough with COVID since most things are still shut down. I have not been to my fun volunteer job at the museum.
My daughter went to a private college in Australia years ago, she dated some decent guys but I am positive her bipolar/borderline got in the way for anything lasting. My daughter told me how much she hated me and could not wait to get that far away from me but then called me twice a day while she was in Australia. She tries to have that love/hate relationship with me now and I just can't do it. That is one of the reasons I have had to pull myself completely away from her and have not said one word to her since July 28th. My bipolar mother in law was the same way, she loved me deeply and hated me deeply. I had to completely unplug from her too and my life became much better. There is a huge difference in the quality of your life when you get that toxic person out of your life.. I can unplug as needed but I struggle with my daughter since my love for her goes so very deeply. For now I am loving her from afar, I am sending love vibrations to her and praying for her well being but not allowing her to be toxic to me. She has tried to contact me several times but I am completely on break, and my husband does the communicating since I just don't want to. The death plot for us started last July. My daughter's friend called to warn me that she thought something sinister was being planned. This is the first time I have had to deal with something this major sinister. The thought that she would want us dead over a new home or our money has me grieved beyond. It just tells me how ill she is and when she gets off her mania she may regret it, I have seen deep regret in her after her mania subsides, that is one of the reasons I can't break completely free from her because I have seen genuine regret. Proves to me she is not 100% a psychopath.
Another weird thing that has happened that I did not mention in any of my posts is that while she was highly manic and being cruel to me she mutter the words "Kevin' and then again 'Kevin'. The movie 'We need to talk about Kevin' has been playing on the channels and I think she watched it and saw herself and how she treated me. I am not sure if she was trying to remind herself to not act like Kevin while manic or she felt like the character or her spirit deep down was warning me about the sinister plans she was making, either way it was very creepy.

The sad thing is she can actually get on medication that can help her and she chooses not to.
Prayers of love, compassion and healing are prayed for you Hopeful parent.

 

[Hopeful parent]

Newstart, good to hear you are practicing selfcare. I know what you mean about not being able to get out and about. I also had to give up my volunteer work and craft groups for a while, hopefully next year I can get out and about again. Sorry to hear you lost your mother and two best friends, they would have been a good support for you now. I often think of my father who was a recovering alcoholic. It would be good to have him here now. I believe he would have been able to help my son. I think loving your daughter from afar is a great approach. It sounds like your daughter needs help, but as pointed out to me on this site by, can't remember who it was at the moment, that the help is out there for them if they want it. And I think that is the problem, we can't want it for them, they have to want it for themselves. I believe I am going to get through this and I believe you can too. A saying I love (from a book I read) is 'You can do hard thing.' I wish you the best, and I really do understand your pain.

 

[Beta]

. If I can add a different perspective to this it would be that you are not giving her the silent treatment, you are setting up boundaries to protect yourself.

Newstart, we've all beaten ourselves up at times for just wanting to protect our mental and physical safety from abuse. It does take its toll on us, and we sometimes don't even realize how much. I think of the 2 1/2 years Josh was angry and abusive and I realize there was some PTSD-type effects on us.

Just take one day at a time and don't think of anything as "forever".
I think this is good advice. Things can change.

When these thoughts come up in us, Newstart, we are called upon to be good mothers to ourselves, first and foremost. Absent that, I am good for nobody.

Another good thought. We have to take care of ourselves, or we are no good to ourselves or anyone else.
I'm sorry for the hurt and disappointment you are feeling, especially with the absence of your son.

 

[newstart]

Newstart, good to hear you are practicing selfcare. I know what you mean about not being able to get out and about. I also had to give up my volunteer work and craft groups for a while, hopefully next year I can get out and about again. Sorry to hear you lost your mother and two best friends, they would have been a good support for you now. I often think of my father who was a recovering alcoholic. It would be good to have him here now. I believe he would have been able to help my son. I think loving your daughter from afar is a great approach. It sounds like your daughter needs help, but as pointed out to me on this site by, can't remember who it was at the moment, that the help is out there for them if they want it. And I think that is the problem, we can't want it for them, they have to want it for themselves. I believe I am going to get through this and I believe you can too. A saying I love (from a book I read) is 'You can do hard thing.' I wish you the best, and I really do understand your pain.

Thank you Hopeful parent. My daughter is posting things about me being a narcissist on FB. She is posting about how narcissistic the silent treatment is. I told her I was taking a break. She knows where I stand. Her behavior is offensive to me each time I see her from her tone of voice, to her draining me with her complaining to her lying to me then trying to use me and then gaslight me all over again. I am certainly in the no contact mode for self preservation. My daughter is 38 years old, she has a job and she is very politically involved, she KNOWS when she is harming another person she just does not care and cannot understand why that person does not want to go through it. I know she can control it because she is working and has to control it in a work place. My bipolar brother in law told me to accept him as he is, my daughter said the same thing, their behavior is unacceptable to me, it actually makes me sick to my stomach and in reality why on earth would I want to talk with someone that would be happy if I was dead. I am sure my daughter is having a hard time because I am some of her narcissistic supply, she drains me to the core. I saw a meme that said 'If someone drains you why do you keep giving them the straw? I do not know what next to do but get myself out from underneath the beatings.
I wish you the best too Hopeful parent I know how heart breaking this is, and like your son, my daughter is with someone that just makes her worse. Her mate is very toxic but I think she maybe the more toxic one in her relationship. I wish you the very best too.

 

[newstart]

Newstart, we've all beaten ourselves up at times for just wanting to protect our mental and physical safety from abuse. It does take its toll on us, and we sometimes don't even realize how much. I think of the 2 1/2 years Josh was angry and abusive and I realize there was some PTSD-type effects on us.

Newstart, we've all beaten ourselves up at times for just wanting to protect our mental and physical safety from abuse. It does take its toll on us, and we sometimes don't even realize how much. I think of the 2 1/2 years Josh was angry and abusive and I realize there was some PTSD-type effects on us.

Thank you Beta. I believe each time I get around my daughter while she is off the wall manic, I suffer PTSD. I did around my bipolar in laws. PTSD can cause a lot of other health issues. Not having contact is hard but being around the abuse is harder so I am choosing the healthiest choice. The disrespect and lying is on over drive and there is no sense of me sitting through it. Now she is blaming her period on everything. She said she was going through menopause. There is always an excuse of why she is awful and I am so very tried of it.