Snow & Ice

[newstart]

We have been covered in snow and ice, no power, no water, broken pipes and very cold. My daughter is concerned for our safety. She calls every 4 hours to make sure we are ok. She asks us to come to her home, she has power and water, we say thank you but no thank you. My daughter's toxic boyfriend is at her house. We tell our daughter that everything is fine, as we are freezing our A's off in the dark and can't drive anywhere since we are iced in. Being at my ice cold home, with broken pipes sitting in front of our log fire is so much less stressful than being at my daughters home with her and her boyfriend. My daughter is very annoyed with us not coming over, she is very concerned and gets in her car and drives over on the ice, she only lives 10 minutes away by car.. She gets into my cold home and sits by the fireplace and brings by some good food. She looks puzzled to why we won't come over. She asks me why and I told her we will not tolerate her toxic boyfriend, she looks at me in complete shock and says well he was ugly to you a while ago, you really hold a grudge, Christian people should not hold that type of grudges. I told her I do not want to experience him in my future and how sad it is that I have a rent home that I can't feel comfortable going to. She said that I just need to get over it, which pushes me over the edge.
We get into a major tiff and she is crying saying how all she did was trying to help us... I would rather sleep under the bridge than to be around those two..
I explained to her that being cold, in the dark with dripping pipes is much less stressful that being around the boyfriend. She looked surprised like she did not know the depth of how deeply we disliked him. I don't hate anyone, I don't wish anyone harm even people that do harm to me, I just don't want them in my life and I don't want to associate or even talk to them. I figure their ugly dispositions is their Karma back to them and I am positive that people with ugly behaviors suffer deeply in all areas of their life by their own nasty behavior so all I have left to do is wish them well.

I was talking to my friend today long distance. She is a mother to an adult bipolar son age 42 that has grieved the H out of her. She admitted to me today that she feels no love for her son anymore. She said the damage and grief he has caused her has wore off any love she feels for him. She said she does not trust him and will not even let him into her house.. I thought about that for a while when I got off the phone. My love for my daughter is so great and mighty.. I truly love her with every fiber of my being... She has harmed me and declared war on me more times than I can count. She lies to me and about me.. And here I am with a heartful of deep love for her.
Has anyone on here lost their love for their child?
I would think it was much easier to blow them off if you have lost the love. How do you get to that point? I watched the Casey Anthony case and her behavior was as wicked at it gets and still her parents love her. She was past the horrible stage yet you can tell in their voices the love is still there.
My friend told me that her life became so much better when the love for her son left her. It was a long process.
I don't even know if I am capable of letting go of that love.

 

[skittles]

We have been covered in snow and ice, no power, no water, broken pipes and very cold. My daughter is concerned for our safety. She calls every 4 hours to make sure we are ok. She asks us to come to her home, she has power and water, we say thank you but no thank you. My daughter's toxic boyfriend is at her house. We tell our daughter that everything is fine, as we are freezing our A's off in the dark and can't drive anywhere since we are iced in. Being at my ice cold home, with broken pipes sitting in front of our log fire is so much less stressful than being at my daughters home with her and her boyfriend. My daughter is very annoyed with us not coming over, she is very concerned and gets in her car and drives over on the ice, she only lives 10 minutes away by car.. She gets into my cold home and sits by the fireplace and brings by some good food. She looks puzzled to why we won't come over. She asks me why and I told her we will not tolerate her toxic boyfriend, she looks at me in complete shock and says well he was ugly to you a while ago, you really hold a grudge, Christian people should not hold that type of grudges. I told her I do not want to experience him in my future and how sad it is that I have a rent home that I can't feel comfortable going to. She said that I just need to get over it, which pushes me over the edge.
We get into a major tiff and she is crying saying how all she did was trying to help us... I would rather sleep under the bridge than to be around those two..
I explained to her that being cold, in the dark with dripping pipes is much less stressful that being around the boyfriend. She looked surprised like she did not know the depth of how deeply we disliked him. I don't hate anyone, I don't wish anyone harm even people that do harm to me, I just don't want them in my life and I don't want to associate or even talk to them. I figure their ugly dispositions is their Karma back to them and I am positive that people with ugly behaviors suffer deeply in all areas of their life by their own nasty behavior so all I have left to do is wish them well.

I was talking to my friend today long distance. She is a mother to an adult bipolar son age 42 that has grieved the H out of her. She admitted to me today that she feels no love for her son anymore. She said the damage and grief he has caused her has wore off any love she feels for him. She said she does not trust him and will not even let him into her house.. I thought about that for a while when I got off the phone. My love for my daughter is so great and mighty.. I truly love her with every fiber of my being... She has harmed me and declared war on me more times than I can count. She lies to me and about me.. And here I am with a heartful of deep love for her.
Has anyone on here lost their love for their child?
I would think it was much easier to blow them off if you have lost the love. How do you get to that point? I watched the Casey Anthony case and her behavior was as wicked at it gets and still her parents love her. She was past the horrible stage yet you can tell in their voices the love is still there.
My friend told me that her life became so much better when the love for her son left her. It was a long process.
I don't even know if I am capable of letting go of that love.

I can tell you something a friend said to me once that resonated, she has a skitzofrenic son.. she told me once ‘i love my son, but i dont like him’. I think alot of us can relate to that. It very aptly described the ambivalance i feel towards my own son.

 

[RN0441]

Newstart

I remember times when I felt that I hated my son when he was at his worst. I hated him for what he was doing to himself and I hated him for what he was doing to our life.

Often I did not like him.

I think that over a long term of someone hurting you they can kill your love for them. I think that is a protective mechanism for ourselves.

I am so sorry you are suffering from the winter storm. Are you in Texas?

I am glad your daughter has compassion for you and is worried. That is good that she cares. I think I would quit telling my daughter the WHY of all of it. What's the point? Why rehash it over and over. Just do what you need to do. Sometimes silence speaks volumes!

I am glad you have a nice fire. I remember losing power during hurricanes here on the Gulf Coast and it was very hot with no air conditioning - kind of the opposite but miserable.

Please let us know how you are doing.

 

[newstart]

Thank you both. Yes I am in Texas. We have power and water today, many do not. I have truly not liked my daughter but I have never lost the love for her. Even at her worst, I still love her.

I think my daughter forgets that my husband and I want nothing to do with her boyfriend that is the reason I have to tell her how I feel, it is almost like she forgets. We have given him way too many chances already. I pray he just goes away and can find someone more compatible and I pray she can find someone that can help lead her, right now it is the blind leading the blind.

 

[RN0441]

Glad you have your water and power back! The worst is surely over.

 

[BusynMember1]

I love my daughter, but the glow of her has dimmed in my heart. I have other kids who are nice to me and grandkids. And I also lost a lovely son, like you did. I am too tired to keep trying with Kay. So I love her but the glow is gone, if that makes sense. I think about Amy and I feel warmth and pride. I think of Kay and feel tired and like crying. It is a different type of love. It is as if Kay has worn me out. I feel guilty too like I did something wrong. She is like a heavy weight on my shoulders....a beloved firstborn who seems to only care for me if I give her money. Then I feel as if I am pouting like a hurt child myself. Loving Kay has a lot of negativity attached so I try not to think about her so much.

Also I can't stand Kay's abusive husband. He is rude and has hit her. They have hit each other. Yet even Lee, as awful as he is, would not keep me away from Kay if Kay treated me well. It's Kay they keeps me away from Kay. If I were cold and wet I wouldn't have gone either, but not because of Lee.

I send you all of my prayers and love and am grateful that you have your power back. Stay well.

 

[newstart]

I love my daughter, but the glow of her has dimmed in my heart. I have other kids who are nice to me and grandkids. And I also lost a lovely son, like you did. I am too tired to keep trying with Kay. So I love her but the glow is gone, if that makes sense. I think about Amy and I feel warmth and pride. I think of Kay and feel tired and like crying. It is a different type of love. It is as if Kay has worn me out. I feel guilty too like I did something wrong. She is like a heavy weight on my shoulders....a beloved firstborn who seems to only care for me if I give her money. Then I feel as if I am pouting like a hurt child myself. Loving Kay has a lot of negativity attached so I try not to think about her so much.

Also I can't stand Kay's abusive husband. He is rude and has hit her. They have hit each other. Yet even Lee, as awful as he is, would not keep me away from Kay if Kay treated me well. It's Kay they keeps me away from Kay. If I were cold and wet I wouldn't have gone either, but not because of Lee.

I send you all of my prayers and love and am grateful that you have your power back. Stay well.

I understand each word that you wrote. I know Kay has you wore out.
The waste of time is what bothers me the most with their behavior. Time keeps ticking on and time could and should be spent loving, helping and laughing with each other.
Last week one of my daughters best friends called and told me that my daughters toxic boyfriend tried to rip her off some money. She talked to my daughter about it... I could not be with another human that rips people off especially my best friend. My daughters friend is a decent woman but has seen my daughter when her mask fell. My daughters friend can't put up with the non stop political talk and lies and nasty boyfriend.
Yes it was very good to get my power and water back on. I am grateful. Thank you.

 

[BusynMember1]

Oh, New Heart. I feel so badly.

Both Kay and Lee would rip me and each other off. And have. I think they panhandle too. Homeless people do this all the time. They are broken people. If they were not, they would be off the streets. We gave them so many chances to own a home, a mobile home, them to rent. But they wouldn't do the very few favors we asked of them, such as paying small mortgage and lot fees. Kay would have only needed a part time job since Lee had a pizza delivery job. But they wouldn't do it and destroyed the homes and apartments we rented them.

I am so baffled by their choices. Meanwhile they seem to have little interest in Jayden. My biggest fear is that she could get pregnant again.

Prayers and peace.

 

[Moved On]

I love my daughter, but the glow of her has dimmed in my heart. I have other kids who are nice to me and grandkids. And I also lost a lovely son, like you did. I am too tired to keep trying with Kay. So I love her but the glow is gone, if that makes sense. I think about Amy and I feel warmth and pride. I think of Kay and feel tired and like crying. It is a different type of love. It is as if Kay has worn me out. I feel guilty too like I did something wrong. She is like a heavy weight on my shoulders....a beloved firstborn who seems to only care for me if I give her money. Then I feel as if I am pouting like a hurt child myself. Loving Kay has a lot of negativity attached so I try not to think about her so much.

Also I can't stand Kay's abusive husband. He is rude and has hit her. They have hit each other. Yet even Lee, as awful as he is, would not keep me away from Kay if Kay treated me well. It's Kay they keeps me away from Kay. If I were cold and wet I wouldn't have gone either, but not because of Lee.

I send you all of my prayers and love and am grateful that you have your power back. Stay well.

Wow, Busy. Your first sentence really resonated in my heart. "I love my daughter, but the glow of her has dimmed in my heart." SO true, and succinctly put. Thank you.

 

[Hopeful parent]

I wish I could stop loving my son. That way losing him to drugs wouldn’t hurt so much. That way I wouldn’t grieve for him and I could just get on with my life and be happy.

 

[BusynMember1]

You don't ever stop loving them. In my case the shine that once made me glow at the thought of her beautiful smile has gone away. I feel defeated when I think about her now....it has been too much of a struggle for too long and I have learned in Nar-Anon how to let go with love.....and take care of myself and my husband and other children whom are kind to me. Letting go with love doesn't mean we stop loving them. It means that we realize we can't save our loved one and that we and they are best off if we stay out of their business and decisions.

Many of us including me can be controlling and think we need to get involved when our grown kids make bad decisions. Sometimes we help by giving money too.

None.if that works.

Whatever.path we take, we still love our child. In our case, we stopped enabling our daughter. We thought we were helping her. In her case, we were just making her worse. And we suffered badly and were hurt that she didn't act thankful and.loving for all that we did to help her. But our helping really did not help her....

Be well.

 

[newstart]

BusyNMember, I once wrote your exact words. We thought we were helping her, in her case we were just making things worse. I have lived that.

 

[Hopeful parent]

I agree about the enabling. It does not help. My husband and I did stop enabling (apart from the recent event which I have posted on another thread) but my son’s partner’s mother is a chronic enabler which I believe is making them both worse.