So angry...

[Lost in sadness]

I rang the credit agency and told them what my son had done. It turns out he had removed me from being guarantor anyway. Guess he believed me! They have reported it to their internal fraud team at my request. This means should he try again it will flag up. I have not reported it to the police. How come you all speak wise words and at the moment I feel I have not got a clue. It all makes such sense - SWOT your bit about relationships, or course that makes sense! What do I really have? Copabanana and Kathy, what AM I teaching him by not following through, absolutely nothing about boundaries and respect! I seem to live for the good bits and lose myself in the bad. I am still not grasping how someone can be in such a better place and then go all the way back again! It simply makes no sense to me. I think I allow some of it because I wonder whether his personality disorder takes over and he needs help, not to be left with no support, home or food by his own mother! Its guilt, I understand that. I do read the detachment article and it makes sense and it helps but only momentarily and then my guilt and pain creeps in again and I feel the overwhelming desire to contact him and check he is ok. The fact is, in some ways, I am happier without him in my life but I now realise it is only if I know he has somewhere to live and food to eat otherwise it just eats me up. I'm thinking that the real conflict is within me, the variation between what I AM doing and what I SHOULD be doing. I too am un-boundaried and flaky. Something I had not realised before. A deep, sad evening for me. Thank you all, again. You really do help me. xx

 

[BusynMember]

Don't feel bad about yourself. We all were like this at first. Let me give you a few tid bits that will make you feel better.

1. It is really hard to not eat in the U.S., even homeless, unless you don't WANT to eat. Some druggies are never hungry due to the drugs. If someone with no permanent address wants to eat there are food cards, many food pantries (these are all over and easy...and cost free) and shelters feed the homeless. The food is really good...i volunteered at a homeless shelter. Church ladies made home cooked meals. No, they wont starve and don't need us in order to eat. This is an easy need to fill even without a dime.

2. Our rather disturbed adult kids do not seek out good help if WE become their help and we don't have any clue what to say or do for them so we tend to do for them what they can do for themselves and inadvertently teach them that they can't. They feel powerless and helpless about washing a hoodie. Or blowing their nose Without us to hold the tissue. Yet they are great at kicking off great drug deals. They are smart and capable in areas where we would never get involved. They are actually capable in most areas but we often see them as still tiny kids. I'm, they are grown ups.

3. Shelter...there are shelters. Some won't go because they have curfews and rules about drugs. Too bad, so sad. If they live in our homes they are mostly out in the streets anyhow, abusing us in ways we wouldn't allow from anyone else and demeaning us and breaking every house rule and taking, taking, taking. Our retirement money goes bye bye and they sure won't be there for us if we give it all to them.

4. The cold...invest in a warm coat (not expensive, they will sell it for drugs), a warm face hat, gloves and boots. I live in Wisconsin and normal cold weather even here kills nobody. During the day many places are open for warming up, like the library and malls. At night there are shelters. Some laundomats and Walmarts are open 24/7. More than that, our difficult adult children are incredibly street smart, learn to couch surf, and the homeless community, mostly drug users, help one another and look out for one another. They build fires, share food, give company.
This is not what we want for our adult kids, of course, but many of them don't mind it; would rather live nowhere than follow any rules. Nobody can be the boss of them.
I read a book written by a young adult who left his family home due to rules and a step dad he didn't like and lived on the street for a year, refusing his sister's offer of shelter at her place. He sounded as if he enjoyed it. He certainly didn't starve or get lonely.
Yep, they are NOT like us.

4. If they are mentally ill, most have MINOR mental illnesses, like I have, such as the highly treatable disorders of depression and anxiety. However they refuse help, often declaring that marijuana is the best and only treatment for them, which is nonsense. But we can't help steer them toward help if they won't accept it. You can lead a horse to water....but if he is a human horse he can say "f******* no!"

If the adult child is very mean, hurts us and/or steals from us, he probably has a personality disorder and can be dangerous. There is currently no proven help for people who have no conscience or empathy. The best we can do is protect ourselves from this sort of person, even our own child. Other loved ones need to steer clear too.

The only person who can help somebody else is that person, not us. They are adults.

My daughter who quit drugs acted mentally ill when she used, but she isn't, and is very sweet. But she only quit when she wanted to. Your son will not get better one day before he wants to, if the day arrives, and if you force him to stand on his own, he WILL survive. Or not. Living in our home, when he is even there, will not keep him alive, if he is bound and determined to destroy himself. Most overwhelmingly likely he will survive, no mattert how little you help him.

They respect us far more, even, if they swear at us, if we stick up for ourselves. They look down on us if we let them kick us in the heads. No kid respects a parent who will do anything he/she wants.

With all that said, take what you like and leave the rest. Do what you must and remember nothing changes if WE don't change.

Love and hugs

 

[BusynMember]

Oh, sorry, one more thing, rather sad.

Addiction means your body is never again able to take the substance it is addicted to. One little drip of the substance is instant relapse. The person has to abstain forever, no matter how stressful life is. Your son relapsed badly because he did just this so he is back at the beginning, but he has the knowledge that he quit before.

This is the tragedy of addiction, and hopefully son decides to quit again and then is more mindful of not ever using again, even once. People do it. So can he!

 

[Littleboylost]

I feel like I have lost any sense of self. I am a bright, articulate person but yet I cannot seem to think straight and make decisions.

Oh how often I find myself exactly there LIS.
I completely lose all sense of intellect and practical reason at times when I deal with my son. I am trying to recover from this affliction.

 

[Sam3]

How come you all speak wise words . . . .

Because we eventually got to similar places, and now we plagiarize each other.

. . . and at the moment I feel I have not got a clue.

Because it's a process.

It's difficult to believe that the unique human being you brought into this world is actually experiencing a phenomenon, common to a lot of these guys. But the more you are here, the more that realization sinks in, and the better you can cope.

It has been 4 years of madness for me, and only after 2 years did I look up for support and find this community, al-anon etc. And at that, I have been cramming for the last few months since my son has glaringly broken sobriety.

I wish I would have believed every word spoken by the vets at the outset, but maybe we all need that time to trust when we are emerging from the FOG. Maternal instincts are strong. It's hard to accept that our suffering does not hasten their recovery. To the extent we project it onto the kids, and use it to justify enabling, we are likely to be prolonging matters.

 

[Albatross]

We all tolerated their worsening behavior out of a belief that they would see the light. But basically, when we've stood in front of them to protect them, we've also cast our own shadows on them and shielded them from the light.

Wow, Sam. You're awesome. I'm going to save these wise words.

Maybe that's why many of these posts, including my own until recently, read like we are afraid our kids will break up with us.

And this! How true!

"Do you think he likes me? Or LIKE-likes me?"

Lost, I am so sorry this is happening to you. I ditto what the others have said. I am glad you notified the lender.

If we don't follow through on our word, things never change. Even then, things may not change for them, but they change for us.

I too would sever contact for awhile. Targeting and using his own mother is simply unacceptable.

Sometimes it is a very sad and scary thing to believe someone when they show us who they really are. It doesn't mean your son can't change, and maybe down the road, when he sees all the bridges he has burned, he will decide he needs to. But for right now, is he really someone you want in your life?

 

[RN0441]

I know personally that I wanted to protect my son from the pain of what he was doing.

I even told him that I was trying to protect him from himself. I don't think that he "got it".

I think that when I detached and let go that it was really better for both of us. It's the hardest and most unnatural thing I've ever had to do.

Stay with us because we are all on the same journey but at different stops along the road.

 

[Kathy813]

I wish I would have believed every word spoken by the vets at the outset, but maybe we all need that time to trust when we are emerging from the FOG.

I fought the advice offered by others for years. I was sure my daughter was different. I used excuses that she was mentally ill and couldn't help herself. That the drugs were just for self-medication. I thought all that I had to do was find the right doctor . . . the right medications . . . the right treatment center . . . the right sober living facility. . . and I would be able to fix her.

It turned out that it wasn't mine to fix. Someone on the board posted a meme that said "Not my circus, not my monkeys." It's true. We are not the ones that are responsible for our children's choices or behaviors. My therapist kept telling me that my daughter was going to do whatever she wanted to do and there wasn't anything I could do to change that.

So, slowly, agonizingly, I came around. I learned to stop falling for the tears and manipulation. I couldn't change my daughter but I could change myself. And I did. I learned to set firm boundaries and stick to them. I was willing to let my daughter go if I had to.

But by letting her go, I found her again. Once she realized that my husband and I were truly done falling for her tricks and wouldn't rescue her anymore, she changed her life. She went back into a treatment program, lived in a sober living house for a year, became totally involved with her 12-step group, found a wonderful sponsor, and now is a sponsor for others. She worked hard to repair the relationship with us which was fractured by her drug use. Even her sister has come around and is slowly (but cautiously) re-establishing a relationship.

When my daughter got sober, the supposed personality disorder(s) disappeared. All of her behaviors were due to addiction. She does take an anti-depressant and a non-addictive anti-anxiety drug but she is definitely not borderline or bi-polar which were among her many diagnoses while actively using. Every doctor or therapist she saw diagnosed her with something different.

The truth is that many of the so-called mental illnesses "disappear" when people get sober. It is virtually impossible to diagnose a mental illness while people are actively using drugs. The symptoms overlap too much.

So what I guess I am trying to say is that no one finds the board and things get instantly better. Everyone takes baby steps . . . sometimes two steps forward and one step back . . . to reach the point where we learn that we are the ones that have to change and accept that we can't change anyone else's behavior and choices.

~Kathy

 

[Lost in sadness]

Thank you SWOT, RN0441,Kathy813 for your replies and words of wisdom. It is of great comfort. I don't feel well, i look ill, and I am arguing with my husband. The emotion is just under the surface and just writing this, the tears flow. Is this my 'rock bottom', again?

I love my husband and I need him to talk to but he has simply had enough. He feels our whole life is either talking about or dealing with my son. I switch between agreeing with him and feeling better for talking and snapping and having a go at him, accusing him of being hard and unfeeling.

He has said my son is not welcome in our house at Christmas. My 15 year old daughter agrees. I rang my brother for some moral support and he agreed to!! So...I am alone. If I am honest I do not want him here. But, its Christmas, how can I possibly leave him alone??? Its so painful, it twists in my stomach like a knife. I tried to suggest this morning that we just pick him up for Christmas day and my husband just looked at me tight lipped, guess that was a 'no'.

On a brighter note, my son appears to look like he has secured a job with his second interview tomorrow. I am hopeful. I messaged him yesterday and told him he was not welcome for Christmas because I felt strong doing it and yet today, in light that he may have a job I feel differently. Here, I go, saying one thing, doing another! I know, I know! He says, he hopes we will re-consider.

I also messaged his landlord yesterday and came clean on the situation, telling her we would cover his rent over the Christmas period but that was it and she could give notice. Yesterday it felt the right thing to do, today I am regretting it! I am angry at myself for sharing such personal details and feel guilty that I have discussed my son. What was I thinking? Maybe I just wasn't. She never replied and it makes it worse! My anxiety is intense. I worry she will now want him out now she knows I lied. My husband says, "who cares what she thinks, what impact is it on us, she isn't interested in the detail she just wants her rent money', and I shouldn't feel bad about what I have said, they are my sons issues not mine. I guess he is right.

I wish I could send him to some dry/rehab house. Nothing here without paying and no shelters or food kitchens locally. Its tough.

Another day in paradise..... Hugs all for a lovely day. xx

 

[Kathy813]

When we did an intervention and sent our daughter to a three month treatment program right before Christmas a few years ago, my younger daughter said it was the most peaceful Christmas we had in years. I was so focused on my troubled daughter, that I didn't realize how it was affecting my younger daughter. I let the older one's problems ruin the younger one's holidays for years.

Your son has not earned being with his family for Christmas. Listen to your husband and daughter . . . they deserve to be heard. If you absolutely feel that you need to see your son on Christmas, make plans to meet him somewhere by yourself. Maybe meet him for dessert and coffee.

Do you live in a very rural area? Have you gone to a Families Anonymous meeting or Al-Anon? You may be surprised at the resources out there that you don't know about. There are programs that will take homeless people or people with no money. You just have to work hard to find them.

By the way, my daughter used to use a job or promise of a job to keep me hooked. I would get my hopes up that this might be the turning point. Either she wouldn't get the job or would get it and then get fired very quickly. The truth is that if you son is actively using, any job he does get will not last.

~Kathy

 

[RN0441]

Dear Lost

It's harder at the holidays. I agree. But listen to Kathy. She said your son hasn't earned the right to be with his family. He needs to FEEL consequences. I know it feels like you're kicking him when he's down. UGH. It sucks. Do what you need to do. But don't sacrifice three for one. Does that make sense?

I will see my son on Saturday. It's been eight months. I'm freaking out.

 

[Sam3]

LIs,

Earlier in this process, I felt a lot like how it seems you are feeling. Like my every move was crucial to my son's outcome.

It's understandable. My son is a blamer -- always able to trace his trajectory to some "but for" cause out of his control. I knew It was distorted thinking, but the blame still weighed on me. Enforcing a necessary boundary felt like throwing a Molotov cocktail at a street gang and needing to run.

On the flip side, I would grant extensions and exceptions, handouts and breaks, to give my son chances to reset. When he did not capitalize on them, and inevitably betrayed my hope and kindness, I would feel resentful.

I understand now that both the fear in delivering consequences and the resentment in giving help, that ultimately didn't help, both came from overestimating my power and appropriate role in his life. Yes, by going sideways and blaming, my son fed the sense that I am an important actor in all of this. But I worked to un-enmesh.

When I did, I remembered that I am the grownup here. I put my oxygen mask on first. Panicking, dragging my kid through the aisle and crossing my fingers would not help. You do what's needed and you don't need their "buy in."

Ive come to see that an appropriate place for the parent of an adult child is to love and wish the best. Financial, logistical and emotional support is okay if it is age and context appropriate, otherwise it's enabling and disabling.

For a young person in active substance abuse, that would be support in getting help, not propping up the hallmarks of independence.

 

[Littleboylost]

You have excellent advice. I can not add to this wisdom. I Dan only tell you you are not alone.

I am better now than 5 months ago. I would often go back on my set boudaries. It wasn’t helping me or my son.

It is not an easy path we walk and the guidance and advice here is wise and good. It doesn’t make it any easier.

Thinking of you ....the holidays are very tough.