So confused
- Thread starter vligrl
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Signorina
Guest
Hi VL
My son sounds very similar to your son. My difficult child is nearly 20, abusing "just pot" AFAIK and has gone into a downward spiral. He started a good university as a bright honors student, ended his first year with a 2.2 GPA and W in a core class.(which saved his GPA bc he was failing that class)
Readers Digest Version: He came home for summer break. First night home, he was high. We had a huge "to do" which left me emotionally drained and wary. It was not fun having him home all summer. He worked a ton of hours (good) and went out every night (ugh). Although he was not disruptive temperamentally or noticeably altered when he was at home - his entire demeanor had changed. He was barely civil, had a resentful attitude and was not really a part of our family life. We chalked it up to normal growing/empty nest pains and just placated the situation hoping to get him back to school in the fall. We walked on egg shells, when our pleas for him to come home earlier during the work week went unheeded, we just let it be - but we did not enjoy his presence in our home. I think both H and I were trying hard to ignore the *Warning danger ahead* signs blinking over us. He rented an apartment for the upcoming school year without our knowledge and we think he planned to live there on the sly while we paid for his dorm. We placated that as well, even offering to pay the apartment if he could get out of the dorm. He was not very appreciative. A few days before he was due to leave, we found the receipt for a LARGE internet purchase of marijuana paraphernalia being shipped to his new apartment. We sat him down, talked to him asked him to stay home, go to school locally and get help and he refused and left for school without our blessing or financial support. We managed to smooth things over in time for him to come home from the holidays and things were OK on the surface (though we had not paid his tuition etc) He maintained that he had been paying his own way, doing well and wanted to remain independent from us because WE ARE THE PROBLEM and he wanted to control his own life. We later found out that he had dropped out, failed the entire semester, was deeply in debt to the tune of $4500 and had spent all of his savings. He played remorseful because he wanted access to his last & only childhood savings account that I controlled. When I would not liquidate it and give him the CASH, he became menacing, he stormed out and left. I haven't seen nor spoken to him in a month.
Shortly before he came home for holiday break - we went to see him to lay out the guidelines for returning to our home - on the advice of our therapist. Part of our guideline was that he was not able to use our cars so long as we knew he was using substances. Should he want to drive - he needed to provide two blood lab drug tests showing he was substance free, followed up by regular drug testing. That threw the ball back in his court. He chose not to drive. He did not fight us on it because of a local incident that he knows well. (see below)
A local teen was the driver in a fatal car accident last year which killed her bff, and injured her other friend - they were all 17. difficult child knows all 3 girls- all a year younger than he, same HS and he is a close friend of the driver's brother. (fortunately, she hit a median wall & not another innocent vehicle) The dead girl wasn't wearing her seatbelt. None of the girls tested positive for alcohol, but there were liquor bottles in the car (leftover from another night, it was 11:00 am). The driver had trace amounts of marijuana in her system but was not deemed to be driving under the influence. (marijuana stays in the system for 30+ days) These girls were popular but known partiers and had been best friends and inseparable since 6th grade. The parents of the deceased girl pursued heavy punishment. The driver plead guilty (plea bargain) to homicide by negligent use of a vehicle due to the presence of the liquor bottles & trace THC amounts in her bloodstream. She is now a college freshman and convicted felon attending class by day and living in jail (fortunately not prison) when she is not in class. If she tests + for drugs or alcohol, she immediately begins serving a prison sentence for 2-5 years. She and her family are facing multiple (6?) civil lawsuits by both victims/parents and the dead girls parents feel slighted by the short term she is serving. The driver's father's (successful) business is being sued, her parents (divorced) are facing separate law suits, and she is being sued personally as well. It will ruin them financially even if it settles.
When our son first admitted he had failed out of school in January; we came up with a plan for him to live at home and attend community college. He was agreeable at first. Because of the story above, there was no way we would let him drive. I too was not looking forward to taking him to and from school but I was willing to do it under duress. The plan was for him to take classes that were scheduled close together on the same days. I would take him in time for the first class, and he could cool his heels - study, eat etc - at school in between his classes and I would pick him up at the conclusion of his last class. We also encouraged him to find a job he could bike or walk to and from and we (or his younger brother) would drive or pick him up when it wasn't completely inconvenient. It was a sacrifice on our part (especially my own) but I felt I was willing to do so to support him going to school and working.
As far as feeling that your hands are tied. I know how you feel. We had to draw a line in the sand. It broke my heart. But it's become very clear to me that my son is going to continue to use pot regardless of the ill effects it is having on his life and regardless of what his dad and I believe. So the question is - does he live this lifestyle with our financial support or without it? Unfortunately, I unwittingly paid off his debt which enabled him to go back to his apartment. It is very clear to me that I will not financially support his drug use. So we do not. If he wants to go back to school and his grades are good, I will pay his tuition directly to the school. If he wants financial help with his living expenses and his grades are good, we may consider paying his rent directly while he is attending school subject to financial limits. At one point, he was welcome to live at home and go to school locally - but that is no longer on the table due to the way he left a month ago. If the day ever comes where he is desperate and needs somewhere to go - we will assist him with going into rehab. We haven't gone much further because right now he is only interested in being independent and supporting himself so he can party.
I am sorry my answer is so convoluted but I want you to know I have been in your shoes and this is how I am coping. And I hate it - it's a mess and I never thought I would be here. But it is what it is. {{{hugs}}}
My son sounds very similar to your son. My difficult child is nearly 20, abusing "just pot" AFAIK and has gone into a downward spiral. He started a good university as a bright honors student, ended his first year with a 2.2 GPA and W in a core class.(which saved his GPA bc he was failing that class)
Readers Digest Version: He came home for summer break. First night home, he was high. We had a huge "to do" which left me emotionally drained and wary. It was not fun having him home all summer. He worked a ton of hours (good) and went out every night (ugh). Although he was not disruptive temperamentally or noticeably altered when he was at home - his entire demeanor had changed. He was barely civil, had a resentful attitude and was not really a part of our family life. We chalked it up to normal growing/empty nest pains and just placated the situation hoping to get him back to school in the fall. We walked on egg shells, when our pleas for him to come home earlier during the work week went unheeded, we just let it be - but we did not enjoy his presence in our home. I think both H and I were trying hard to ignore the *Warning danger ahead* signs blinking over us. He rented an apartment for the upcoming school year without our knowledge and we think he planned to live there on the sly while we paid for his dorm. We placated that as well, even offering to pay the apartment if he could get out of the dorm. He was not very appreciative. A few days before he was due to leave, we found the receipt for a LARGE internet purchase of marijuana paraphernalia being shipped to his new apartment. We sat him down, talked to him asked him to stay home, go to school locally and get help and he refused and left for school without our blessing or financial support. We managed to smooth things over in time for him to come home from the holidays and things were OK on the surface (though we had not paid his tuition etc) He maintained that he had been paying his own way, doing well and wanted to remain independent from us because WE ARE THE PROBLEM and he wanted to control his own life. We later found out that he had dropped out, failed the entire semester, was deeply in debt to the tune of $4500 and had spent all of his savings. He played remorseful because he wanted access to his last & only childhood savings account that I controlled. When I would not liquidate it and give him the CASH, he became menacing, he stormed out and left. I haven't seen nor spoken to him in a month.
Shortly before he came home for holiday break - we went to see him to lay out the guidelines for returning to our home - on the advice of our therapist. Part of our guideline was that he was not able to use our cars so long as we knew he was using substances. Should he want to drive - he needed to provide two blood lab drug tests showing he was substance free, followed up by regular drug testing. That threw the ball back in his court. He chose not to drive. He did not fight us on it because of a local incident that he knows well. (see below)
A local teen was the driver in a fatal car accident last year which killed her bff, and injured her other friend - they were all 17. difficult child knows all 3 girls- all a year younger than he, same HS and he is a close friend of the driver's brother. (fortunately, she hit a median wall & not another innocent vehicle) The dead girl wasn't wearing her seatbelt. None of the girls tested positive for alcohol, but there were liquor bottles in the car (leftover from another night, it was 11:00 am). The driver had trace amounts of marijuana in her system but was not deemed to be driving under the influence. (marijuana stays in the system for 30+ days) These girls were popular but known partiers and had been best friends and inseparable since 6th grade. The parents of the deceased girl pursued heavy punishment. The driver plead guilty (plea bargain) to homicide by negligent use of a vehicle due to the presence of the liquor bottles & trace THC amounts in her bloodstream. She is now a college freshman and convicted felon attending class by day and living in jail (fortunately not prison) when she is not in class. If she tests + for drugs or alcohol, she immediately begins serving a prison sentence for 2-5 years. She and her family are facing multiple (6?) civil lawsuits by both victims/parents and the dead girls parents feel slighted by the short term she is serving. The driver's father's (successful) business is being sued, her parents (divorced) are facing separate law suits, and she is being sued personally as well. It will ruin them financially even if it settles.
When our son first admitted he had failed out of school in January; we came up with a plan for him to live at home and attend community college. He was agreeable at first. Because of the story above, there was no way we would let him drive. I too was not looking forward to taking him to and from school but I was willing to do it under duress. The plan was for him to take classes that were scheduled close together on the same days. I would take him in time for the first class, and he could cool his heels - study, eat etc - at school in between his classes and I would pick him up at the conclusion of his last class. We also encouraged him to find a job he could bike or walk to and from and we (or his younger brother) would drive or pick him up when it wasn't completely inconvenient. It was a sacrifice on our part (especially my own) but I felt I was willing to do so to support him going to school and working.
As far as feeling that your hands are tied. I know how you feel. We had to draw a line in the sand. It broke my heart. But it's become very clear to me that my son is going to continue to use pot regardless of the ill effects it is having on his life and regardless of what his dad and I believe. So the question is - does he live this lifestyle with our financial support or without it? Unfortunately, I unwittingly paid off his debt which enabled him to go back to his apartment. It is very clear to me that I will not financially support his drug use. So we do not. If he wants to go back to school and his grades are good, I will pay his tuition directly to the school. If he wants financial help with his living expenses and his grades are good, we may consider paying his rent directly while he is attending school subject to financial limits. At one point, he was welcome to live at home and go to school locally - but that is no longer on the table due to the way he left a month ago. If the day ever comes where he is desperate and needs somewhere to go - we will assist him with going into rehab. We haven't gone much further because right now he is only interested in being independent and supporting himself so he can party.
I am sorry my answer is so convoluted but I want you to know I have been in your shoes and this is how I am coping. And I hate it - it's a mess and I never thought I would be here. But it is what it is. {{{hugs}}}
exhausted
Active Member
Hello and welcome, You have gotten some good advice. I just wanted to mention public transit. Is it available? I know it will take longer and so on, but then again he'll have to plan and grow up a bit. No way would I drive him or let him have a car when I know he is using. I would even get rid of the car. He needs to either motivate and pass school and follow rules or you have no reason to haul him to school.
I agree with Nancy about treatment. Can you and your husband help find a place and get him there. He won't have much success without this and even with it there is no guarantee. My difficult child had spent over 2 years in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and still smokes pot. We wont help her get a licence and we don't haul her around. She uses the bus to get to work. We do pick her up on the rare occasion she works past the bus service hours. There is so little we can control when they get to this age. But we don't have to give them money, rides, cars. In this house, we have decided to be perfectly rigid about those things.
I understand the hurt and aching heart. Some things get easier, but it always hurts when we watch them do the things they do. While there are a few here that won't agree, you are right about pot. Kids can get it without a dime and it is a drug that is often shared. I heard this over and over in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). There are a group of kids that only smoke pot (maybe the ones with no genetic addiction issue??) and they are arrogant-they believe that they are better than other users. My daughter even tells me its natural and a better choice than antidepressants! It does sound like there are other drugs in the picture for your boy however. I have recently found some peace at Families Anon. I have learned much and look forward to going.
Keep us posted and good luck.
I agree with Nancy about treatment. Can you and your husband help find a place and get him there. He won't have much success without this and even with it there is no guarantee. My difficult child had spent over 2 years in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and still smokes pot. We wont help her get a licence and we don't haul her around. She uses the bus to get to work. We do pick her up on the rare occasion she works past the bus service hours. There is so little we can control when they get to this age. But we don't have to give them money, rides, cars. In this house, we have decided to be perfectly rigid about those things.
I understand the hurt and aching heart. Some things get easier, but it always hurts when we watch them do the things they do. While there are a few here that won't agree, you are right about pot. Kids can get it without a dime and it is a drug that is often shared. I heard this over and over in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC). There are a group of kids that only smoke pot (maybe the ones with no genetic addiction issue??) and they are arrogant-they believe that they are better than other users. My daughter even tells me its natural and a better choice than antidepressants! It does sound like there are other drugs in the picture for your boy however. I have recently found some peace at Families Anon. I have learned much and look forward to going.
Keep us posted and good luck.
My son is younger - so I don't speak from experience of having gone through exactly what you are going through. I will say this though - I have promised myself that if the "madness" is still going on when he is 18, he is on his own. I will not live with a drug user. I have lived the chaos, the constant fear and have done my best. My son is doing OK right now, but my husband and I agree, when he's 18, we will not livein this drama, no matter what. I have read many stories from board members with older kids and the common denominator seems to be, you have to cut off any support before anything changes. I will not live with a drug user and I don't want you to have to either. Your belief in stopping his drug use must come first, before school and before the car. If he thinks a life on drugs is the way to go, he can find his own place to live, a way to pay for school and a car.
Hello exhausted. There is no public transit where we live which is a rural suburb. Driver's are crazy here and riding a bike to the school would not work nor does he own a bike. He will either go along with us taking him to school or he will be obstinate and withdraw as a way to get back at us. Besides taking away the car, we also refused to buy him tickets to a three day music festival in NY for his birthday that he desperately wanted. He'll have to figure that out himself. Most of his friends got tickets to go with him and drive. Tickets are a total of $174! He did one thing we were pleased about which was register for a free trip to Israel for kids over 18. It's a ten day trip with tons of adventures all heavily supervised and with guards considering the location. Hoping having a little history of his roots and healthy outdoor exercise would maybe help to get his head on straight besides being away from local influences and drugs. You have to put down a $150 deposit to hold your spot but get it back once you arrive at the destination. We automatically were going to pay for this directly to the company. So far our nieces have both gone and it was a life changing experience for them (no drug issues with either and college graduates)
I completely agree in theory. Finding his own place to live with no money and no transportation on a moment's notice is not something I am willing to do yet. Just not tough enough to let him live on the streets that get in the teens at night. First step is to see if he finishes the semester. Second is we will be moving out of this town and he will either come with us or not. If I catch him selling or find out, that is a game changer. Leaving his FB on by mistake has given me all the info I hoped to never see. That is how I have found out about his life in the past. He is going to have to get a job if he wants to keep his phone and have a life. If he continues to have a life and a phone without a job, then the answer will be clear. He can afford his own place too.
exhausted
Active Member
My neighbors sent their son on a service trip oversees. He worked his rear end off and came back a new kid. He was using major drugs, heroin, etc. He still uses pot (see, I think pot is a bear to get rid of), but he is working and going to school and on his own. I'm glad he has this chance.
S
Signorina
Guest
So, don't make it a moment's notice. I would lay down the line. Right now you are giving him 3 months living at home to get on his feet should he withdraw from school. in my humble opinion - that's overly generous given the behavior he is exhibiting. He could continue to flounder, withdraw from school at mid term (and you may not know - given FERPA law) and add 3 months to that - and it's mid June before you can even begin to address him moving out. That's a long time to live with the ups and downs you are describing. And if he does withdraw, I imagine the downs will become more pronounced. I would take some time and really think out what you can and cannot accept and what you can and cannot live with.
And I would definitely make the car off limits -and consider storing it in an undisclosed location. I realize you worry about the state of his friends while driving - but you really need to acknowledge your OWN culpability should your son have a vehicular incident. The car is in your name, you know he is using - that leaves you wide open both ethically and financially.
For me - so long as any child of mine is pleasant, pulling their own weight and going to school AND working (p/t), they are welcome to live at home. If they are pleasant, pulling their own weight, not going to school but working FULL time (or actively seeking employment to our satisfaction) - they are welcome to live at home (forever). We will never charge them rent but we will expect them to to contribute to household duties and be thoughtful of the family environment. Should any of my kids be under the influence of substances regularly, engaging in illicit, immoral or illegal behavior, disrespectful, disruptive or disregardful of us, they must move out immediately. Take it or leave it.
If you don't stand for something, you will fall for anything.
I am not a hard nose. Really. And I have made a lot of mistakes. And the biggest one was giving my difficult child way too many second chances and excusing his misbehavior. I thought I was being understanding and loving. Instead, I was actually lowering the bar. Placating him and the situation gave him the power in our relationship. Never again. My home, my sanctuary, my rules.
And yes, I have no idea where he is or if he is ok. And I am so brokenhearted. I am not made of stone, I would give anything to change the situation. But the choice boiled down to accepting and enabling and FINANCING his drug use and his lack of regard for us - or standing up for our own morals and ourselves. We chose the latter. (which much help from the wonderful posters here and our own therapist whom we saw 2 times)
exhausted
Active Member
Thanks Signora-we all need to hear that over and over. It won't be long and I will be hear wining away about my difficult child who has turned 18 and still doing stupid stuff. I really like the immoral part-because honestly, that is my biggest issue. Breaking laws and not abiding by our family morals!
S
Signorina
Guest
Exhausted, i think it's harder to draw the line when it's your youngest or your only. For us, it was something we really needed to address because we have 2 younger kids. So, when we lowered the bar - we were lowering it for everyone - not just him.
My difficult child was not terribly disruptive nor violent but our household had this constant "buzz" while he was here - an undercurrent of tension - that was stressing my marriage, my relationship with my other kids, my husband's business - our entire life. Even this week, my husband mentioned that every single time we have "words", it usually begins with difficult child. (even if it's not about him) I never would have believed that the tension would dissipate with his departure; but it did.
("is he home?" "Is he ok?", "will he be home tonight?", "will he be home for dinner?", "if I ask him clean his room, will he bristle?" "so, should I ask him to clean his room?", "do I dare ask him what time he will be home?", "we haven't heard from him in 24 hours, do we text him first or wait for him to text us?", "why is he acting this way?"...you get the idea, it was on a continuous loop in my head - h's too)
Sometimes, I feel guilty that the tension has dissipated. There is nothing right about my beloved son being estranged from us and using drugs and turning away from all the wonderful advantages of a good education. But I don't get a vote and I've done everything I can to make the love of his family and his home look more appealing than his chosen lifestyle. We have offered him treatment and help. That's all I can do. I can't force him to get help and I won't approve of his lifestyle just so I don't lose him. been there done that, didn't work.
My difficult child was not terribly disruptive nor violent but our household had this constant "buzz" while he was here - an undercurrent of tension - that was stressing my marriage, my relationship with my other kids, my husband's business - our entire life. Even this week, my husband mentioned that every single time we have "words", it usually begins with difficult child. (even if it's not about him) I never would have believed that the tension would dissipate with his departure; but it did.
("is he home?" "Is he ok?", "will he be home tonight?", "will he be home for dinner?", "if I ask him clean his room, will he bristle?" "so, should I ask him to clean his room?", "do I dare ask him what time he will be home?", "we haven't heard from him in 24 hours, do we text him first or wait for him to text us?", "why is he acting this way?"...you get the idea, it was on a continuous loop in my head - h's too)
Sometimes, I feel guilty that the tension has dissipated. There is nothing right about my beloved son being estranged from us and using drugs and turning away from all the wonderful advantages of a good education. But I don't get a vote and I've done everything I can to make the love of his family and his home look more appealing than his chosen lifestyle. We have offered him treatment and help. That's all I can do. I can't force him to get help and I won't approve of his lifestyle just so I don't lose him. been there done that, didn't work.
("is he home?" "Is he ok?", "will he be home tonight?", "will he be home for dinner?", "if I ask him clean his room, will he bristle?" "so, should I ask him to clean his room?", "do I dare ask him what time he will be home?", "we haven't heard from him in 24 hours, do we text him first or wait for him to text us?", "why is he acting this way?"...you get the idea, it was on a continuous loop in my head - h's too)
Sounds like my loop. My husband and I have definitely had the issue where almost every conversation starts with my son's name, mostly on my part. Drives my husband crazy. Interesting enough, my son has not mentioned the use of his car since we took it away last Friday and that was due to missing class, again.
We pretty much stopped asking if he would be home for dinner since he rarely is and just make it for the two of us. He does his own laundry and usually makes something quick to eat. I don't clean his room but do tell him to when you can't see the floor anymore. It's like he barely lives here. Spends most of his time at his friends houses or out. Comes home every night never very late. Eventually, his friends will tire of always picking him up and using their gas. That's when it will hurt. I find I tense up as soon as he is home and always walk on eggshells afraid I will offend him in some way which is easy.
We use to do so much together and he was so much fun to be with. It was so easy then. I understand what you are all saying about not tolerating drug use and agree.
Sounds like my loop. My husband and I have definitely had the issue where almost every conversation starts with my son's name, mostly on my part. Drives my husband crazy. Interesting enough, my son has not mentioned the use of his car since we took it away last Friday and that was due to missing class, again.
We pretty much stopped asking if he would be home for dinner since he rarely is and just make it for the two of us. He does his own laundry and usually makes something quick to eat. I don't clean his room but do tell him to when you can't see the floor anymore. It's like he barely lives here. Spends most of his time at his friends houses or out. Comes home every night never very late. Eventually, his friends will tire of always picking him up and using their gas. That's when it will hurt. I find I tense up as soon as he is home and always walk on eggshells afraid I will offend him in some way which is easy.
We use to do so much together and he was so much fun to be with. It was so easy then. I understand what you are all saying about not tolerating drug use and agree.
T
toughlovin
Guest
Boy have I lived with what you describe!!! I think one motivator for us in kicking my son out of our house was my younger daughter. It became clear to us that for her welfare we could not keep allowing all his shenanigans at home. It would have taken us longer if it had not been for her..... we did kick him out when he was 18 and he went and stayed with friends.... we did let him come back for a while after he did some real work to actually make things up so he could get his hs diploma. Then when he was breaking all the rules again we kicked him out again.... and things went downhill in many ways from there.
However I think the longer we avoided him really being on the streets and homeless the more he took advantage of the things we were willing to do for him.
However I really think getting to the point where you are willling to let your child be homeless and hungry is really tough and it is a process. I certainly did not get to that point overnight and I doubt anyone here did. So it is good to recognize you are not at that point yet. Keep thinking about your parameters and what you are willing to do for him and what you are not. Think about your needs and yourself... and if driving him to school every day is too hard for you then don't do it. He needs to do some hard work to figure out his life and it is his job to figure it out... asking for your guidance is fine (bet he is not doing that right now though) but it is his job to find his path.
TL
However I think the longer we avoided him really being on the streets and homeless the more he took advantage of the things we were willing to do for him.
However I really think getting to the point where you are willling to let your child be homeless and hungry is really tough and it is a process. I certainly did not get to that point overnight and I doubt anyone here did. So it is good to recognize you are not at that point yet. Keep thinking about your parameters and what you are willing to do for him and what you are not. Think about your needs and yourself... and if driving him to school every day is too hard for you then don't do it. He needs to do some hard work to figure out his life and it is his job to figure it out... asking for your guidance is fine (bet he is not doing that right now though) but it is his job to find his path.
TL
Welcome! First of all, my experience comes as the sister of a sub abuser and the daughter of adult children of alcoholics and being the adult granddau of an alcoholic. So take my advice for however it can help you and ignore what doesn't help. I promise you won't offend me.
You are a great mom. It took my folks almost 2 decades to see that my bro had a problem. What you do or don't do is not the problem. As Kathy said, you didn't cause it, can't controli t and can't fix it. One of the things you CAN do is go to alanon and/or narcanon. When the family gets help it makes it more likely for the addict to get help. This is a family disease because it does change everyone in the family, not just the addict.
I would get rid of the car. I also would NOT drive him to school and would let him know that since his friends can buy his drugs and drive him to parties/raves/whatever, they can also take him to school. No school, less than good grades, then get a job that is full time and one that you approve of (meaning not a bouncer or whatever - yes, at 19 there are clubs he could do this in and it is mostly a shift of partying from what I have been told by those who had that job) or he has 30 days to get out, less if he is violent or damages property. If he wants a car he can get a job and save up to buy one. He can walk or get rides if he needs them - he sure has no trouble gettng to parties, Know what I mean??
I also would call the police if I smelled pot in/on my property or even thought I saw it. Yes, it probably would end up in criminal charges for hm, but that is a result of HIS choice and NOT of yours. YOU didn't choose to use drugs or store them on your property.
Whatever you choose to do, (((((hugs)))))
You are a great mom. It took my folks almost 2 decades to see that my bro had a problem. What you do or don't do is not the problem. As Kathy said, you didn't cause it, can't controli t and can't fix it. One of the things you CAN do is go to alanon and/or narcanon. When the family gets help it makes it more likely for the addict to get help. This is a family disease because it does change everyone in the family, not just the addict.
I would get rid of the car. I also would NOT drive him to school and would let him know that since his friends can buy his drugs and drive him to parties/raves/whatever, they can also take him to school. No school, less than good grades, then get a job that is full time and one that you approve of (meaning not a bouncer or whatever - yes, at 19 there are clubs he could do this in and it is mostly a shift of partying from what I have been told by those who had that job) or he has 30 days to get out, less if he is violent or damages property. If he wants a car he can get a job and save up to buy one. He can walk or get rides if he needs them - he sure has no trouble gettng to parties, Know what I mean??
I also would call the police if I smelled pot in/on my property or even thought I saw it. Yes, it probably would end up in criminal charges for hm, but that is a result of HIS choice and NOT of yours. YOU didn't choose to use drugs or store them on your property.
Whatever you choose to do, (((((hugs)))))
That's what I love about this forum, we all get it. We have all lived the same nightmare and boy do I understand what you are saying. I can tell you what I did, we can all tell you what we think, and in the end you have to do what you and your husband think is best. It sounds like you have a very supportive husband and that is half the battle. My difficult child eventually stopped coming home except every few days for a shower and change of clothes. We had to tell her we weren't running a hotel. She didn't come home because she was high or drunk and we would not allow her to be in our house any longer using drugs. Every family comes to that point with their addicted difficult children where they have tried everything else and there is no other option. I know you will find the right answer for your family.
Susiestar is right, whatever you do (((((HUGS))))) we are behind you.
Nancy
Susiestar is right, whatever you do (((((HUGS))))) we are behind you.
Nancy
Son came home to put on exercise clothes to go play raquetball with a friend that just got a new gym membership. Things like that give me hope. He wanted $10 to play but we said no. Looks like he was able to find a way, again. You have to find as much positive actions as possible sometimes. I would almost cought up the $60 a month to go directly to the gym for the positive benefits. He never exercises. He use to be a jock.
I have to add that other than what is happening with my son, this is the worst time of my life because I am losing my 89 year old Mom to Dementia. She and my 91 year old Dad live back home in Ca. I talk to my Dad daily to help keep his spirits up, but my Mom doesn't have the faculties to talk on the phone past "Hello dear". I know my mental and emotional limits and this is not the time for extreme measures with my son, unless absolutely pushed to do so. I know you all understand, especially if you have a parent that has gone through something similar.
vligrl, I'm sorry to hear about your mom. I know what you are going through, my mom got cerebellar degeneration in her early 60's and for six years I watched her slowly fade away. It is similar to Lou Gehrig's disease and her brain stopped doing all involuntary movements so she ended up bedridden on a respirator. It was awful to watch and I missed her so much. My Dad went through a lot during that time also, we all did. Being so far away I'm sure it's very difficult for you.
Hugs to you and your mom,
Nancy
Hugs to you and your mom,
Nancy
A
AmericanGirl
Guest
Hi Sharon,
Welcome and I'm sorry you needed to find your way here.
We have much in common. I lost a parent three years ago to Alzheimer's. My son is 18 and in college. I've taken his car away (DUI) but he is living in a dorm. I have no idea whether he will continue in school after this term.
I don't know about you, but I have locked up anything of value here plus changed my banking, etc. passwords. "His" car keys are locked in the safe. If he is here, I know where my purse is at all times. Also, I installed a security system. He has a roof over his head plus a meal ticket. I don't give him any cash and only provide a small amount of snack foods, toiletries, etc.
There should be an advisor at his school who can give you both some counsel as to whether his grades are good enough to finish the term or whether he would be better off to withdraw. I never trust difficult child's version of grades. I go to the source. Many colleges now have online course management software, such as Blackboard or WebCT, where you may be able to see his grades.
Outside of the amazing support here, I've started going to Al-anon. It has helped more than I can describe. I've also read several books on addiction and kids.
Keep posting!
Welcome and I'm sorry you needed to find your way here.
We have much in common. I lost a parent three years ago to Alzheimer's. My son is 18 and in college. I've taken his car away (DUI) but he is living in a dorm. I have no idea whether he will continue in school after this term.
I don't know about you, but I have locked up anything of value here plus changed my banking, etc. passwords. "His" car keys are locked in the safe. If he is here, I know where my purse is at all times. Also, I installed a security system. He has a roof over his head plus a meal ticket. I don't give him any cash and only provide a small amount of snack foods, toiletries, etc.
There should be an advisor at his school who can give you both some counsel as to whether his grades are good enough to finish the term or whether he would be better off to withdraw. I never trust difficult child's version of grades. I go to the source. Many colleges now have online course management software, such as Blackboard or WebCT, where you may be able to see his grades.
Outside of the amazing support here, I've started going to Al-anon. It has helped more than I can describe. I've also read several books on addiction and kids.
Keep posting!
