So confused

[vligrl]

Hi Sharon,

Welcome and I'm sorry you needed to find your way here.

We have much in common. I lost a parent three years ago to Alzheimer's. My son is 18 and in college. I've taken his car away (DUI) but he is living in a dorm. I have no idea whether he will continue in school after this term.

I don't know about you, but I have locked up anything of value here plus changed my banking, etc. passwords. "His" car keys are locked in the safe. If he is here, I know where my purse is at all times. Also, I installed a security system. He has a roof over his head plus a meal ticket. I don't give him any cash and only provide a small amount of snack foods, toiletries, etc.

There should be an advisor at his school who can give you both some counsel as to whether his grades are good enough to finish the term or whether he would be better off to withdraw. I never trust difficult child's version of grades. I go to the source. Many colleges now have online course management software, such as Blackboard or WebCT, where you may be able to see his grades.

Outside of the amazing support here, I've started going to Al-anon. It has helped more than I can describe. I've also read several books on addiction and kids.

Keep posting!

Thank you AG. Haven't had a stealing problem ever with him, thank god.
Just talked to Financial Aid and he is in warning status already for financial aid next fall but I doubt he will be going back. I looked at Blackboard last night. I would be so much better off mentally if I didn't know how to get around things. He has barely done the work. He had many assignments due this morning and hasn't done a thing. He'll tell me he has it handled. This causes me to lose sleep nightly worrying about him and makes me so frustrated that I can't have a calm discussion with him. I have a feeling this isn't going to be a good day. My husband is driving him to school as I write and is hopefully going to be able to talk to him without a fight.

 

[Nancy]

I can't tell you how much alike this was to my difficult child last year. She too was not doing any of her college work and I also checked blackboard and when I would question her she would tell me she had it handled. She didn't. The only thing good that happened was I finally convinced her to withdraw from her classes before the last day of withdrawal so she didn't have to take F's and put both her financial aid or her academic standing in jeopardy. Now a year later, after rehab and sober living houses, she wants to register again for classes and she is very grateful I made her withdraw.

I'm like you, I knew my way around to check up on her but it was a double edged sword. Is there any way you can have a heart to heart with him about withdrawing to preserve his future until things work out?

Nancy

 

[AmericanGirl]

I haven't had a problem with mine stealing either but don't want to 'tempt fate'.

Mine told me yesterday he was studying for his math exam. His math text is here. He must have amazing eyesight...

It might be better to pull him out before his grades fall to the point where he loses his aid. My son's advisor said he coukd claim a medical issue for fall term and they would, in effect, wipe the slate clean. I opted against it because of several factors. Wonder if there is something like that?

 

[vligrl]

Nancy, If he withdraws now, he will owe money to Financial Aid and probably won't be able to get it in the Fall if he went back because this would be his second time withdrawing and it goes against him. He owed $470 to be able to get back into school this semester and my husband paid for him to do so. I just spoke with his advisor who is so grateful that I am proactive (every school has said that) and made an appointment for him to see her today. Don't know if he'll go but since my husband is picking him up...he can just sit there and wait if he doesn't. This is Community College by the way.

 

[Nancy]

My difficult child was in community college also. I didn't realize they were not allowed to withdraw twice. Did you verify with FAFSA? My difficult child was first in a state college with financial aid and was suspended and then went to communty college and was allowed to apply for financial aid again as long as we paid all her tuition from the college she was suspended from. I think she is eleigible to apply for financial aid again this time because we paid all her fees fromt he communtiy college but you have brought up a good point and I better check.

by the way she still does owe money for financial aid but they said that would be suspended if she re-enrolled in classes.

Nancy

 

[vligrl]

I haven't had a problem with mine stealing either but don't want to 'tempt fate'.

Mine told me yesterday he was studying for his math exam. His math text is here. He must have amazing eyesight...

It might be better to pull him out before his grades fall to the point where he loses his aid. My son's advisor said he coukd claim a medical issue for fall term and they would, in effect, wipe the slate clean. I opted against it because of several factors. Wonder if there is something like that?

Sounds a lot like my son. If he was a good enough student, he would make a great lawyer as he loves to argue and tells a great story. I'll check back with FA but at this point, I am tired of rescuing him. He needs to start digging out of his own messes.

 

[vligrl]

My difficult child was in community college also. I didn't realize they were not allowed to withdraw twice. Did you verify with FAFSA? My difficult child was first in a state college with financial aid and was suspended and then went to communty college and was allowed to apply for financial aid again as long as we paid all her tuition from the college she was suspended from. I think she is eleigible to apply for financial aid again this time because we paid all her fees fromt he communtiy college but you have brought up a good point and I better check.

by the way she still does owe money for financial aid but they said that would be suspended if she re-enrolled in classes.

Nancy

FA said he would owe like last year. He still owes his Dad the money, plus he has a Court appointed attorney he is suppose to pay $150 to March 7th all without a job. Guess good old Dad is expected to pay that too.

 

[Kathy813]

I may have missed this along the way but why does he have a court appointed attorney?

~Kathy

 

[vligrl]

I may have missed this along the way but why does he have a court appointed attorney?

~Kathy

Nope. You didn't miss this. I didn't add it as it wasn't related to substance abuse. He and some friends decided to go into a local elementary school last summer at night. The kid whose idea it was had obviously done this before through an open window, took a basketball and tennis ball to play with and later on got caught. This kid and another were drunk, my son and his girlfriend followed them in and stayed on their own, saw the police pull up and got out another window and ran away. He didn't take anything but did break a screen trying to get out. He was 18 at the time and we refused to get him a lawyer so he has a court appointed one and owes the court $150 for his services, but we will not pay this either. He will have to stand up in front of the judge and explain why after two months, he doesn't have the money and deal. Maybe harsh, but not cleaning up his adult messes. The lawyer thinks it will either be dismissed as he has no priors and had no intent on damage or theft or probation and community service. It was a fun summer

 

[Nancy]

Oh geez, I've had one of those summers before, in fact several. I use to love it when winter came.

Nancy

 

[vligrl]

So last night I made my son come home early to get things straight on how it's going to be here. I wrote it all down first which helped keep me on target. I explained that drug use will no longer be tolerated and if I find anything drug related, I will call the police. If he comes home obviously high or smiling of pot, I will not let him in and will call the police including on his friends. I told him to take a good long look in the mirror and ask if this is the person he wants to see five years from now doing the same old thing just with younger people, the one's that didn't leave for college yet. To us, he hasn't grown as a person in years, hasn't put on any weight and he is 6'1", 135lbs. Not giving him a key anymore to get in the house. He has to pass the eye and sniff test first. I told him to get off drugs completely for a month to start and see if your thinking doesn't clear up, you get more motivated to do things and feel the fog lift. He agreed to stay off and to drug test him starting in two weeks and he will stay in school. No use in testing him for pot now since I know he had it Monday and it usually takes over 30 days to leave your system. If he does acid, it only stays in your system for about 2 hours and most tests don't work. He also will not have the car and has to get a job. Today I took him to fill out one app and to ask a few other businesses if they are hiring, which they weren't. Day by day.
My husband paid the deposit for my son to take a 10 day trip to Israel with other groups. This is what I am looking forward to the most for him. He will get the deposit back once he takes the trip. Money comes straight back to my husband. We have some relatives there, so maybe he'll meet them too. Funny side note: found out one of his passwords is "parentsdonttrustme".

 

[mrsammler]

I haven't read all of the replies to your initial post but my first instinct upon reading it was "this kid needs to do a hitch in the service." If he's been smoking weed since 9th grade, it's a very embedded habit by now and, believe me, nothing good is going to happen for him until he finds a way to break that habit. If he has no criminal record but is simply adrift and unable to accomplish anything, academically or professionally, toward becoming an independent adult (which is what it sounds like), a hitch in the military can be a huge step forward for a kid like that (it was for me in a somewhat similar situation at about that age). Just my .02...

 

[vligrl]

So this is tough love? I texted my son to come home before twelve last night, two times and if he came home later, not to bother. I'm not giving him a key anymore, which he keeps losing anyway. So he gets dropped off at 12:30, rings the doorbell and calls the home phone a few times to no avail. Finally someone picked him up where he spent the night. I put the phone off the hook. He called this morning to get a ride to school and I told him to get his friend to. He didn't want to wake him, again. He said his phone was dead last night and that is why he didn't know about the curfew and that he was charging his phone in the outlet near our front door. His Dad then got on the phone to get the address where he was to take him to school and he said no, doesn't care anymore and hung up.
We had an idea where he was, so my husband went to the friend's apartment, texted my son to come out and kept honking. Again, this is an apartment building! All I know is as my husband was talking to me on the phone, my son came out. I had threatened earlier that if he doesn't care, he can forget about the Israel trip and hope his friend's couch is comfy. Did I do ok or too much?

 

[vligrl]

Thank you for the reply. As an adult, I cannot force him to join the military and quite frankly, other alternatives should be tried first before possibly being killed in the middle east. Just my .02 as a Mom.

 

[AmericanGirl]

I think you did great!

Could it be that he is enjoying telling you what to do? Come get me. Nevermind. Etc.

My Al-anon sponsor recently said she thought difficult child was "getting off" on driving me crazy, a control kind of thing. When I read your post, I remembered that conversation.

Years ago, during my divorce, I told my therapist I had gotten out of bed t 3am and was rearranging a perfectly straight closet. He said he wasn't surprised. That everything in my life was out of control but that closet so I was controlling what I could to calm myself.

I keep thinking of that in relation to our difficult children....their lives are unmanageable, whether they admit it or not, the addiction controls everything....so maybe in despiration, they try to control anything they can?

 

[vligrl]

I think you did great!

Could it be that he is enjoying telling you what to do? Come get me. Nevermind. Etc.

My Al-anon sponsor recently said she thought difficult child was "getting off" on driving me crazy, a control kind of thing. When I read your post, I remembered that conversation.

Years ago, during my divorce, I told my therapist I had gotten out of bed t 3am and was rearranging a perfectly straight closet. He said he wasn't surprised. That everything in my life was out of control but that closet so I was controlling what I could to calm myself.

I keep thinking of that in relation to our difficult children....their lives are unmanageable, whether they admit it or not, the addiction controls everything....so maybe in despiration, they try to control anything they can?

Look up "control" and you will see all of our pictures! Long story short, he did have his charger on him and did not have a charged phone to see my messages. Now he will know to keep it charged so he doesn't get locked out again. I do feel guilty but won't let him know. He went to all of his classes too and is on his way home with husband right now.

 

[Zardo]

Good job. I am thinking about some of the advice we have gotten and wondering if maybe your H should not have gone to get him, honk the horn and get him to school. I think our counselor might have said that that negates the consequence of locking him out. He came home late, he did not find his own way to school - his problem. In much of the advice we have gotten - we are told to set up our bourdaries; ie. to live at home you must - 1 - not use drugs 2 - pass your CC classes 3 - be home by 12 on school nights, etc. The details of how they accomplish those things are up to them and we are not allowed to jump in and rescue. Not always easy to do - but something to remind yourself of. It's an effort to "push" them toward maturity and the ability to solve their own problems. There are two books that talk about kids like ours as having "delayed maturity" a nd the real fix is finding ways to push their maturity along - you may find "The Unchanged Mind" and "To Change a Mind" helpful.

 

[Signorina]

I agree with Zardo but I also think your H did the right thing. I think supporting/enabling the behaviors we seek - like going to school -- is OK. I agree it's a fine line but sometimes the end is worth the means. So, if that's what it took to get him to school - I think it's good. I think it's also good that you enforced his attendance at school. But I don't have any answers - just putting my $.02 in!

 

[Zardo]

Such a great point Sig - yes, although the "right way to handle it" may have been the one I initially talked about from a boundaries perspective, we all move that line in the sand sometimes if we feel it's on the side of something we CAN support like school. In the end, you know in your gut what's right for your kid. Sometimes outsiders, including counselors think the answers are so black and white when then often are not. Funny thing is you will hear counselors talk about "black and white thinking" as one of the problemns our kids have. Having said that, maybe if this scenario continues, the line becomes a bit more clear.

 

[vligrl]

I agree with Zardo but I also think your H did the right thing. I think supporting/enabling the behaviors we seek - like going to school -- is OK. I agree it's a fine line but sometimes the end is worth the means. So, if that's what it took to get him to school - I think it's good. I think it's also good that you enforced his attendance at school. But I don't have any answers - just putting my $.02 in!

That makes it about 6cents I think! If we had set up a curfew before he left last night, everything would have been different, but I decided while he was out that I am sick of him coming home like 1 or 2am, which makes the dogs (four) all bark and wake us up, plus I now have to go down two flights of stairs and let him in because I want to check him out before I let him in (took away his house key) But since he hadn't read my texts due to a dead phone, he shouldn't have been penalized by not taking him to school. I already locked him out, wouldn't answer the phone and he slept somewhere else. Now he thinks he shouldn't have to pay for the dogs barking by coming home at 12. I just told him it's also because it is a school night despite him being 18 and because he no longer drives, we have to get up early to take him to school so we need our sleep too. Jokes actually on me because my thought was I will get more restful sleep (last night) by having him come home early but instead, I was up all night with the phone ringing, putting if off the hook, and feeling terrible guilt.