thank you all. I read and read over again what you say. truth is there is a lil good and bad in boyfriend. the bad stuff is that he has lied in the past about other stuff.
shortly after we started to date, twice while seeing me, he went to comfort a woman from the support grp. two diff women. one of the times, he and I had plans to go out with the grp to a dance. he and I met at applebees and I brought along a galpal. when we were about to leave to go to the dance, in walks in L from the grp. boyfriend had told her to meet us there and I didnt know it. the grp meets all over and we sometimes car pool or follow one another and this place was farther off.
we all went outside to our seperate cars. L and boyfriend never showed up at that dance. his cell was shut off. he later confided that L said she had a bad day so he took her to the movies instead. next day he showed up here with flowers and cried and apologized. he said he could not let L have a headache and not be with her. again..he knew her before I knew him and this was very early in our dating. he begged to continue with me. he had never dated her and she has since moved out of state. she was not interested in him. I had spoken to her afterwards.
the other time our gang was together at a club to dance. he drove me there, but ignored me and talked a lot to R. R and he had been in the support grp together. they had dated before he and I (for two months). in fact I fixed them up. R had broken off with him and told him she did not love him. she is now happy with someone else. he and R bought each other drinks but he didnt even offer to buy me a drink and we didnt dance. when we got home I broke up with him. after a week he was calling and emailing me and we started up. he was fine again til this thing unfolded with M--the woman he had been emailing.
I also had found out on three occassions that he was still looking at American Singles, match.com and true...single sites. I told him he cannot look for his ship to come in while he was seeing me. he stopped that. then in november, by mistake, I found that he had started an acct on myspace. he gave his name and location and his preference to date someone with no kids. when I called him on it, boyfriend had ant remove the acct because he didnt know how to do that and ant fought with him at work the next day. their only argument. we also had issues of him lying and saying he was working, but he was home viewing porn movies, that was last year. When he fessed up, he promised to never do that again..but he did once more. oh dear...I cannot believe I am spilling this all out.
I hate to make people hate him because his good side is so good. then again, I am the most inexperienced dater in the world. what do I know. he has never yelled at me, and is calm and loving to me. then again...barbara has a lot of truth there in that this is abuse too. he lies, he is sneaky. I am a poor judge of character. sigh. as barbara said my ex was so bad that any man looks good if he is just not yelling or swearing at me.
I think he is drawn to me and my religious nature. I think he thinks I am good for him and keep him in line. he knows he has a problem with lust. he knows I am Ms goody two shoes for the most part. sigh and double sigh.
he called last night, sick with grief over breaking off. he was in bed by 8 and his stomach churning. he says he misses me.
I dont know. he said he will call me tonight and I may ask him tonight to be honest and tell me for sure if he is thinking of dating m/ and maybe that is why he broke off because he is sick of feeling guilty around me or sneaking. that would at least make me know what is really going on. I think when he looks at my face, he is consumed with guilt. I do believe since we went together, he has not kissed or slept with anyone else. I do wonder if given the opportunity...he would.
I also think my sons and my grandson will be a part of my life for a long time to come. I told him that. I told him he would be King, but there would be room made for them. my ex used to try to isolate me from my kids and I will not do that to them or me again.
I just want things simple. for crying out loud til my eyes are swollen...I want someone to trust and believe in. I cannot be a warden and will not be second best. I want to be a priority. I think he could not let me go all this time because he is afraid if he goes out there looking around, he will not find someone as good as me. on the other hand, if he breaks up I may find someone and he would not be able to come back.
I hid a lot of stuff about my ex so people would not hate him. perhaps if I had shared info about him, they would be able to help me overrule my emotions and break off. I have told this stuff now about boyfriend so people can help me get over him. sigh. sob. sniff
then again...I miss him and telling this stuff would make people mad at me if we get back together. perhaps he would miss me and stop this looking around and lying??? I dont know.
he also seems to have a sleep problem and cannot sleep at night and is going for a sleep study. perhaps sleep deprivation is making his thought process off whack?? he and ant are still talking daily to one another. ant told me he would never discuss me with boyfriend or our relationship, I appreciate that. ant is calling me and protecting me as he knows I cannot eat right now.
I took an ativan to sleep. I had some from the doctor as I take them to go on a plane. when I awoke, I immediately was aware that boyfriend's arms were not around me and I sobbed and dragged myself to work.
I did confide in two coworkers there mostly because my eyes keep tearing up. they both believe boyfriend and I will be together. they have met him and they both believe he is in love with me but may be having a breakdown of some sort. I dont know, I dont know!
I am on lunch break and going back.
