So Very Tired

[so ready to live]

Thank you all. I have found this site to be a lifesaver for 6 mo. Our Difficult Child is 28yo with fetal alcohol effects, our foster child at birth, adopted by us as 6yo. A struggle from age 4, IQ low normal, behavior, learning and then later alcohol issues. a string of misdemeanors all alcohol related-like many we have rescued sometimes, only to "start over" for 3-4wks before he goes back to old friends and old ways. has rarely kept a job-most can't stand his attitude, attendance, lying or inability with math, reading. Had partial ssi x 5 yr for "simple mental" diagnosis, lost that when re-upped last yr and ssi discontinued as they found he was "no longer physically disabled". He had never been PHYSICALLY disabled! We are so exhausted. He moved home in Dec. after having been gone x nearly five yrs. Depressed, angry but won't go to Dr. Can't talk to or about situation or anything that he perceives as criticism without him getting loud and angry.
we started al-anon last fall and did learn techniques to cope but honestly find this site more to meet our situation. anyone with similar problems-please help

 

[BusynMember]

If he has any form of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), he should still get SSI. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) is organic brain damage of varying degrees and affects the person's ability to cognitively function and make good decisions lifelong and also affects their ability to retain information day-to-day. I'd fight t hat SSI being withdrawn.Get a lawyer if necessary. Your son was damaged before his birth, not at all due to you, but he probably will need adult supports to launch at all. He very likely may be unable and it's not his fault his birthmother drank while pregnant with him. There is a price to pay for the poor child who drinks along with her.

I'm sure it is VERY frustrating to deal with government bureaucracy. And I wish you good luck, but I wouldn't give up on SSI and the other supports that it brings yet. Of course, he also needs rehab. What a mess! Hugs for your hurting and tired heart. My son was exposed to lots of lovely things in utero and has a form of autism. We are lucky he dodged the "I-can't-figure-out-right-from-wrong" bullet. He is doing really well with minimal adult supports. Not all adults can stand on their own. Some ARE disabled.

Having said that, you DO need to move on. There is nothing you can legally do, unless you can get guardianship over your son and then maybe you can help him get supports and rehab. But if he is resistant, that may be hard to do. Live your life. You earned it.

 

[Childofmine]

Good morning, so ready to live, we are glad you are here. I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this seemingly impossible situation.

We are so exhausted.

Of course you are! I think this is the hardest thing to deal with in life---the disability of an adult child. It is so complex---our feelings, our thoughts, our involvement, the round and round and round, it never seems to end. And our culture keeps it all so quiet (adult mental illness and addiction) and it's counter-cultural to say "What about ME?"

Here you can say all of those things, and we so understand because we have been...right...there. We get it.

I agree with SWOT---can you try again to get some funding for him? It seems pro forma that SSI is always denied at every possible opportunity.

And another question: Is there a possibility of some sort of placement for him if he has some funds? A group home?

And of course he does need rehab, like SWOT says.

I also realize it's all a moot point (except the funding) unless he is willing to help himself.

At some point, though, is the communication clear enough between you and him that you can say...you can't live here anymore. We have done all we can for you.

I realize that is a very hard thing to think about and say, but is he "able" enough to hear and understand that?

Please know that we are here for you. Regardless. I have found tremendous support and a catalyst for my own growing up and changing in Al-Anon. The first time I went (for 18 months) I didn't. I "kind of" worked the program. When my now-ex-husband and I divorced, I stopped going. Then...a few years later...when my son started his disastrous decline, I knew right where to go. I was ready that time. I have worked the program since and it has been a tremendous tool for me.

So, even if Al-Anon didn't work one time or two times or three times...you might consider trying it again. It has to do with when we are ready to embrace and hear what Al-Anon teaches, which I have come to believe is the best possible way of life forward.

Please continue sharing and know that we will offer ideas, support and encouragement. The ideas may not be helpful, and we understand that. The main thing we are is "a soft place to land" and in this awful world we have all navigated here, that is enough.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi So Ready,

I agree with SWOT. Don't give up on trying for SSI. You can of course do it all on your own but if it's too much you can get an advocate to assist you. They take a percentage of what he would get. Just a thought.

I'm so sorry for what you are going.

Sending you ((HUGS))

 

[so ready to live]

thank you all so much for taking your time to reply. My husband and son did meet with ssi yesterday after recommendation from past social worker. It will be a long haul we know (hasn't it been already?) We will choose not to be representative payee this time as that keeps us too tied to his money situation. At this point, he is allowed in our house only when we are home. He must be in by 10pm or we lock up. It is a gift when he texts to say he won't be home that night. We feel better about at least having these house rules-I guess what I can't control about him, I have transferred to control about me and my house-and that seems right. Difficult but right. My husband and I both agree we can't trust him, can't believe him about anything at this point. I hand him over to God every am, taking him back a bit every pm-it's hard not to worry at night.

 

[Childofmine]

SRTL---that is great about them meeting with ssi...and definitely yes, it's a long haul however you look at it.

At this point, he is allowed in our house only when we are home. He must be in by 10pm or we lock up.

It's so helpful to have these types of rules to live by. I remember one person posting on this forum who had a separate entrance and locked doors between them and their Difficult Child, in other words, he could come in to an enclosed locked area to sleep but he couldn't get in to the rest of the house without somebody unlocking the door.

It was a good solution for them.

Yes, controlling your house and maintaining some semblance of having a safe place for yourself turns out to be critical. If we can't feel safe and secure in our own homes...that is basic.

Keep on handing him over. I used to hand Difficult Child over 1000 a times, and of course take him right back.

We're here with you.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

I handed my son over to the Lord at age 20, he is now 35. It's amazing the people the Lord has put in his path from quite a few different states. Giving him to the Lord was the only way I could have survived all the years with his mental disability, bad decisions, bad people he has met, places he has lived, jail for a while, etc. I just went through 6 months of hell with him- he moved down state and seems to have settled down. I was his payee and that was a nightmare. You are making good decision to not be his payee, because let me tell you, they will tell all sorts of lies and stories, have incredible emergencies for "cash' now. It will drain you dry. Keep us updated and hang in there.