Sober House Update

[Acacia]

...so I brought my 33 year old DS back to the sober house after he was sick. He was kicked out six days later. He said he didn't know why because he was clean. That's true, but the woman running it said he talks the talk of recovery, but doesn't walk the walk, is not committed, flouts the rules.

So he's back on the streets in our town. Said he was ready for advice, but when I tried to point some things out, he hung up on me. He keeps texting for money, food, etc. Our town has only a temporary shelter. Zero out last night. He's couch surfing. I said he should go back to small city where sober house was because there are more services available.

I gave him A $30 food card and a phone card. I texted him not to contact me for at least two weeks. I'm exhausted and feel like I'm always caving to some degree. He needs the gift of desperation although it hasn't worked so fare. Then I feel bad for setting the boundary. Crazy making of my own.

One thing I know for sure: I see no evidence that he's changed or gained any insight.

 

[newstart]

Acacia I am sorry for your hard time. I too cave in to certain degrees not knowing how to stop or doing it out of desperation. Glad you told him to not contact you so you can have a break. A break is good and it gives you a chance to recharge.
If you see no change in him then you have to make the change within you to force him into making a change. I had to make the hard change within me to stop all contact with my daughter for 3 months. I did not see any improvement in her what so ever and when I bailed out it forced a change in her, slow but it forced her to live life without me and it was hard for her, it was hard for me too but I could not continue on the path I was on, not good for her or me. We can only do what we can to certain degrees, I let my daughter run all over me until I did not like who I was and I was tired of feeling bad all the time. I wish you the best.

 

[Acacia]

Newstart, thanks. What you say is so true. I will keep reading it because to know you did the hard thing and got through it, helps me. Cutting off contact may not change my son - 15 years of this - but continuing contact is, at this point, worse for me, physically, emotionally, and financially.

 

[Beta]

Newstart, this is where my husband and I are at this time. Last week, we attempted to get $200 to our son as birthday/Christmas money instead of the $1,000 he asked for to buy some motorcycle. He is without a car now. Anyway, he wasn't able to get the money. I made the mistake of texting him a Bible verse, which triggered a torrent of abuse toward both of us. My husband finally told him, "You can forget about the $200." So now we are just waiting, letting him experience our absence from his life. It is so very hard but like you we cannot continue on the same path, in the same patterns. It is ruining our lives and our health.
I have to re-read some of his abusive text messages sometimes just to keep my resolve and not deceive myself into thinking that "if I just try one more time...if I just say such and such...that it will make a difference. We have begged him to come and stay with us and to get out of Denver, but he refuses, telling me he "won't live in our dingy basement." I pray for him often and try not to picture what his circumstances look like.

 

[Acacia]

Beta, my therapist once said to me if words could have fixed things, they would have been fixed long ago. My DS professes to want relationship, but really he accepts neither love or guidance.

I, too, try not to think about what his life is like on the street in this cold, New England weather. It hurts too much. Unlike you, I will not allow him into my home.

 

[RN0441]

I'm so sorry ladies. This is the worst part of being a parent in my opinion.

I think being in therapy for YOURSELF and praying is ALL you can do.

Therapy will help you maintain firm boundaries. That is honestly the best thing for everyone - even the addict - but it is also the hardest thing.

Hugs.

 

[New Leaf]

I’m so sorry for your troubles with your son, Acacia. I think going no contact is more than reasonable when our health is so badly affected by our adult addicted children. It is a constant effort to keep away from the rabbit hole they create. I find myself struggling many times with my twos homelessness. I can’t imagine the difficulty when the weather is so darn cold. I don’t know what it takes for them to change, rock bottom? I think they have gone to earths center, in my book. That said, it is their choice to live as they do. It is sad, and frustrating.I find solace in giving it over to God and hoping that one day, they will find their true potential. That doesn’t mean I don’t have my hard times, dealing with the pain of it all. But, living with them coming in and out the old revolving door, is not an option. They would rip my heart out given the chance. Not going there again.
Stay strong and keep building yourself up. We have absolutely no control over the choices and resulting consequences, but we are able to keep boundaries on what we allow within our hearts and homes.
Take care,
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Tanya M]

Oh Acacia, I know the anguish you feel all too well. I wish I could say that at some point the worry goes away completely but it doesn't. I can tell you that there comes a point when it's much easier to not wallow in it.
Just last night my husband asked me if I had heard anything from our son, had he posted anything on Facebook. I told him no. It's right at a month since we have heard anything from him. I know that he was to be finished with his parole on Feb 15th and would be done with the half way house. I also know that he did not plan well for when he would be done. It's my guess that he's back to wandering and couch surfing, basically being homeless. I live with the knowledge that I may never hear from him again. I don't like it but I do accept it. While my son was in the half way house he did tell me that he was attending AA meetings and that he would keep up with them after he was done with his parole. While I hope that's true I do not pin my hopes on it. I know my son too well.
I feel your pain and I know what you are going through. I'm so sorry!! I would not wish this kind of pain and anguish on anyone.

My DS professes to want relationship,

My son also has told me before "Mom, we really need to work on our relationship" but I know what he really means. He wants things to go back to the way they were before when I would enable him and allow him to manipulate me. Here's the thing, if my son were really serious about improving our relationship then he wouldn't have to say it, instead he would start doing the work to make our relationship better. You see we the parents are not the ones who abandoned the parent child relationship, our children did. They abandoned the relationship when they stopped respecting us and instead chose to blame us for all that is screwed up in their lives.

I would love to have a better relationship with my son but until he understands that I have clear boundaries for what that would be, it will not happen.

Hang in there Acacia!! ((HUGS)) to you......

 

[Beta]

Well spoken, Tanya. I needed to hear those words today as I seek to stay strong in my resolve not to be disrespected and verbally abused by our son, Josh.

 

[Acacia]

Thanks all.
I find that those who have not walked in our shoes rarely understand how agonizing it is to grapple with all the challenges from our difficult children.

Tanya, I appreciate what you say about developing the ability to not wallow in despair. I am trying to work towards that. Despite how much I love them, I don't want my two difficult adult children's choices to determine the amount of peace and joy in my life.

New Leaf - I agree that, for me too, the revolving door makes it harder. It's like random reinforcement, and I carry the emotional baggage they should be dealing with and rescuing them from the problems they need to solve.

I cave, I am strong. It's a cycle - but I am getting stronger overall.

 

[RN0441]

So sorry ladies. Here to offer my support.

I had a therapist for about six months that was a specialist in addiction AND her dad was an alcoholic - he was deceased - but she was so helpful because she really saw it from her professionally trained side and her side as being the daughter of an addict.

I so agree with the fact that no one can know our agony. I do have a few friends that I feel do not judge but really have compassion and for that I am thankful.

 

[Copabanana]

I am sorry Acacia and Beta and everybody. It is the hardest thing when we feel their situations as if it is us living them. And they want us to feel this way. IF WE FEEL THE SITUATIONS THEY ARE IN, we will do something to remediate it. We will act, so that they don't have to. As we all of us know this teaches them learned helplessness, the belief that their incapacity gets results ABSENT their agency. And my G-d, what does it do for us? Not anything good.

I am going to AA so that I no longer live as if my only important life story is as if my consciousness is walking around inside my son's body. I am going to meetings everyday. I feel alive in a different way after just a few days. I am centering myself in my own recovery (from life, not alcohol). I like life so much better this way. I can't wait to go to meetings, in order to feel this new way. After so long trying to douse any consciousness I had.

There is all kinds of support for people who want to change. I am seeing it with my own eyes. Each of you deserves contentment, well-being, tranquility, pleasure, ease, serenity, hope and love. Let's each of us stand up for ourselves.

 

[elizabrary]

How well I know the feelings of despair, guilt, fear, etc. because of the horrific choices our adult kids make. I'm sorry for everyone going through it. There are no easy answers. I did want to mention a word of caution to everyone here- be wary of giving gift cards. They will trade them for drugs. If you want to get them food or gas then actually pay for the items rather than giving a gift card. They always think of a way to use every good intention to their own advantage. Everyone- do something kind for YOU today. Take yourself to a movie, buy yourself something you've been wanting, take a walk in nature, binge a TV series on Netflix. All of us have tried any and everything to "fix" our kids. We have all done our best and it's time for us to focus on "fixing" ourselves- giving up the guilt and fear and focusing on what is good about our own lives and how to make them better. Love to all of you! (I'm about to go walk in nature with my dogs- go me!)