B
bran155
Guest
Thank you for the hugs Nancy and KT!
She called my sister. My sister started questioning her again and she got really mad. She told my sister that she was fine, nothing happened to her, she doesn't know anything about those phone calls or who made them and that if my sister keeps asking her questions about them she will hang up. My sister said that she does not sound as if she is in a controlled situation or that she was scared in any way. She sounded fine.
Okay so I guess all I can do is accept her answers and hope for the best. I will follow up with the detective when he calls. I will pass on all the information I have. I will pray, as I have been, for her safe capture. I feel a lot better now. I guess the initial panic has subsided. This is such a roller coaster. It just really stinks!!!
Thank you all so much for you support. I will let you know if anything else happens.
She called my sister. My sister started questioning her again and she got really mad. She told my sister that she was fine, nothing happened to her, she doesn't know anything about those phone calls or who made them and that if my sister keeps asking her questions about them she will hang up. My sister said that she does not sound as if she is in a controlled situation or that she was scared in any way. She sounded fine.
Okay so I guess all I can do is accept her answers and hope for the best. I will follow up with the detective when he calls. I will pass on all the information I have. I will pray, as I have been, for her safe capture. I feel a lot better now. I guess the initial panic has subsided. This is such a roller coaster. It just really stinks!!!
Thank you all so much for you support. I will let you know if anything else happens.
B
bran155
Guest
Shari, you must have been posting as I was typing. Thanks for the prayers and hugs!
B
bran155
Guest
Thank you Janna and Jlady for your support and hugs! I am feeling better, trying not to think about it. I worked out and got some frustration out. And my son has been keeping me laughing all day. 
B
bran155
Guest
p.s. My son is amazing. This morning he saw me crying and came over to me and asked me if I was crying because I am worried about Brandie. I said yes. He gave me a hug and told me she will be alright.
I try so hard not to cry in front of him but at times I just can't hold it in. Maybe it was a blessing that he was home sick today!!! I could not really fall apart around him. Funny how things happen!
I try so hard not to cry in front of him but at times I just can't hold it in. Maybe it was a blessing that he was home sick today!!! I could not really fall apart around him. Funny how things happen!
B
bran155
Guest
lol Terry!
The detective called. I told him as much as I could over the phone. He wants me to try and convince Brandie to call him. I told him we already tried that and she won't. So I said can't we do something with the information I do have??? Like get the phone records and find out who made those calls. I said, "Look, I know that her crime is not very serious and that she is just an 18 year old runaway and was not abducted so this is not high on your priority list but she is mentally ill and at great risk for danger or even death". He said that he would come by my house tomorrow afternoon. So I am hoping that I can convince him to actually do some leg work. Even if this turns out to be a hoax at least I will feel better about it. And maybe he can find her!!!
I will let you all know how it goes. Again, thanks!
The detective called. I told him as much as I could over the phone. He wants me to try and convince Brandie to call him. I told him we already tried that and she won't. So I said can't we do something with the information I do have??? Like get the phone records and find out who made those calls. I said, "Look, I know that her crime is not very serious and that she is just an 18 year old runaway and was not abducted so this is not high on your priority list but she is mentally ill and at great risk for danger or even death". He said that he would come by my house tomorrow afternoon. So I am hoping that I can convince him to actually do some leg work. Even if this turns out to be a hoax at least I will feel better about it. And maybe he can find her!!!
I will let you all know how it goes. Again, thanks!
Steely
Active Member
Just adding my support, prayers and love. I am so sorry.
I think I would ask the detective to check the ER records of Jacobe hospital and see if there was anyone that came in that fits your daughter description. It all seems awfully weird.
I would be just like you if something like this happened to Matthew. Believe me. I would be an absolute mess. I hate to advocate medication, but have you asked your dr for a prn for times like these? I finally started taking Xanax for the times I was losing my mind - and it has been a god send. My mind just cannot slow down sometimes, and it is torturous.
Again, so sorry.
I think I would ask the detective to check the ER records of Jacobe hospital and see if there was anyone that came in that fits your daughter description. It all seems awfully weird.
I would be just like you if something like this happened to Matthew. Believe me. I would be an absolute mess. I hate to advocate medication, but have you asked your dr for a prn for times like these? I finally started taking Xanax for the times I was losing my mind - and it has been a god send. My mind just cannot slow down sometimes, and it is torturous.
Again, so sorry.
I think Steely has a good point about prn medication for you. I used it when we went through several years of torture with Wiz and it kept me somewhat sane. Xanax really helped me, even in the tiny dose I was taking. If not that medication, another might be useful. It is worth talking to your doctor about. for reference, I took half of a .5 mg tablet. I know people who take 10mg 3 times a day for other problems, but the "half of a half" worked very very well. My OB?GYN actually started me on it. He said the rule was "half of a half in a half" meaning take half of a half mg pill and it works in half an hour. It was easy to remember, and an easy dose to stop taking after the craziness ended.
Hope this maybe gives another source of help and support to you!
Hope this maybe gives another source of help and support to you!
Marguerite
Active Member
OK, I'm drafting this into a text file so I can put this together as I read your message.
First - whatever has happened, your daughter has chosen to declare it a non-event after the fact (assuming there was a problem - I'm with you, I think there was a problem but it now has been resolved as far as your daughter thinks).
So even if your sister had responded at the time she received the message, then possibly there might have been someone to answer the phone; but even then, the immediate panic (whatever it was) may have passed and she might have said, "No problem, I'm fine, don't know what the fuss is about."
The person who left the message - probably trying to avoid having their voice on any recording. There could be many reasons for this, ones that don't involve a breach with the law. And of course there could be the law. But I do agree, I think the person leaving the message has your daughter's welfare at heart. I also suspect the person didn't want ANY evidence left for your daughter to be able to definitely know who it was. As it is, Auntie has probably blown the cover of the person who left the message. I don't think the person who left the message was responsible for any hypothetical harm to your daughter.
I'm wondering if the problem with your daughter was a short-term escalation of the BiPolar (BP), and it might have scared someone to see it. It's one thing to welcome a fellow 'traveller' who is living a free and easy life; but to realise that your new friend actually is mentally ill, can make a streetwise person want to not only get a random element out of their immediate vicinity, but also want to help her get to a safer place.
Street people are not necessarily bad people. They often ARE out for themselves primarily, but within a certain range of acceptability, they do care about one another. I used to work in a rough neighbourhood, street people sleeping in every doorway. My car had to be parked on the street and regularly got broken into. I only knew, because the contents had been rearranged and stuff normally kept in the glove box was tumbled out into the rest of the car.
BUT - I was walking to work one morning and slipped and fell. I had several of these street people rush over and help me up. They made sure I was OK and hadn't done too serious an injury, they rang the doorbell of the building for me and called security to help me in. And they didn't take the opportunity to rob me, they were in fact very kind.
I think this is what your daughter sees - there are some people out there who are caring. Of course they would rob her blind if they could get away with it, but there is a certain honour among thieves also. There are people living like this for many different reasons. YOU have been a loving, caring parent. Not all kids have had this.
The police - your daughter is not dangling over a cliff, she's not screaming for help because she's being held captive - she's in fact wanted for a minor offence that is frankly not that much skin off any cop's nose. If they stumble over her they will bring her in. If she turns herself in - so much the better. But they're not going to start a nationwide manhunt for her.
I'm glad you have spoken to the detective. Good for him, calling back early. If there is the chance that this is a scam to get you out of the house so they can go round there and rob the place, then the police need to know. Next time Auntie is talking to your daughter, she could perhaps mention this fear to her as the reason you've been trying to find out if she ever genuinely pushed the panic button & then regretted it, or if someone is taking advantage of a confidence to pull something without your daughter's knowledge. "I just need to know, Brandie, if there is absolutely any chance you may have, in a brief panic, asked someone to call. If you are certain you didn't, then can you think of anyone you gave my full name to? Because if they called me and you didn't ask them to, then perhaps they're trying to do us harm. So since you assure me you were not behind this, then let's choose a code word. That way you can send us a message and if the code word is used, we will know it's from you. But if the code word is NOT used, we will know to ignore the message and to take extra precautions. How about you choose a word you think would be a good code word?"
The police will have a fairly low priority on your daughter, since she's not an escaped axe murderer. They won't come out to your place because there really is no need. YOU are probably not in any personal danger because of this, even though you're worried at how much this person knew. The police have probably assumed that your daughter has said more than she meant to at some stage, or has freely given out this information. If your daughter was in a panic and asked a friend to call her Auntie, she may well have given the friend the full information in order to make sure Auntie knew the message was genuine. I mean, if the names hadn't been used, would Auntie have been so ready to believe that the message genuinely came form your daughter? I do think a code word would be a good alternative, to breaching confidentiality.
Is this a scam? It all depends on how willingly your daughter would have divulged this information. Again, a code word arranged at the next call, should scotch any scam unless she divulges the word to the scammer.
How possible is it that your daughter would have shared such confidential information with someone she thought she could trust? husband & I had some communication with a board member before Christmas, about how much information our kids (and we) share about us, that can be enough to reveal a great deal more. husband "white-hatted" the board member and we privately emailed the information we had found, so she could show it to her difficult child to demonstrate just how easy it can be to find out such information. So think - how possible is it, that your sister's name etc could have been tracked by a scammer? What about your daughter's court appearances? Jail time? Your sister visited her, attended court. Your daughter's full name would have been given in court. She may have given your sister's name somewhere somehow as emergency contact, or next of kin. There could be some sort of service your daughter has tried to access, where this information has to be provided in order to get something (accommodation, food, clothing).
I understand you being angry with your daughter - you have every right to be. She pushed a panic button and has now apparently reconsidered her actions. She set things in train and then changed her mind. And you shouldn't just do that to people, it is wrong. it is like the boy crying wolf - you do that too often and people will not respond in a genuine emergency.
However, your daughter did not ask you to take it on board so personally. That is YOUR choice. You are allowing your own thinking to make this escalate and hurt you even more. By mentally labelling her your baby, by telling yourself things like "I can't stop crying, my knees are shaking, I am going to be sick, this is pure torture" you are talking yourself into feeling even worse. You need to find ways to talk yourself down, not up.
I'm not saying that you're not suffering - any loving mother would be hurting over this. But you're not helping yourself calm down by trying to show us how bad you feel. Because of where we all are in our own lives, we do understand the pain better than most people. You don't need to engage us any deeper than we already are - we ARE on board with you, with her. Now we need to help you get your control back, so she doesn't have you running in circles like a chook with its head cut off, all because she had a brief panic and asked someone to leave a message.
You have a right to be upset and panicked. But you have a responsibility to yourself and your son, to not let that panic take over you. Do you see the difference?
Think of yourself as someone living in a war zone. You have the enemy in the streets, you don't know who of your friends and neighbours you can trust because everyone is watching everyone else with distrust. Food is scarce, water is contaminated, you have to go out and forage for basic necessities. How do you cope with this? By closing off part of your mind to the horror and the fear, and putting one foot in front of the other (while watching everything you can). Of course it takes its toll, but if you are to get anything positive achieved, you need to get past this crippling fear and panic.
She is no longer your baby. She is now her adult.
So take some deep breaths. If you need to, make a list. I want you to write down a list of all your worries, your concerns, your fears. Then write next to them (next column, please) which ones are ACTUAL problems happening now, and which ones are just fears of what MIGHT be happening. Then (another column) mark the ones you have control over, and which ones you do not.
Now have a look at the final column. THis should only include those problems which are real NOW, and which you can do something about.
Now go do it. One foot in front of the other. Do your best to shut out the fear in your mind, it is crippling your actions.
ON that list, put yourself and your need to be calm. If doing something about this means you get some help for yourself - then put it down as a priority. You can only be there for your kids, if you don't fall apart yourself. Looking after their mother right now is the best thing you can do for your kids.
Be strong. We're here with you.
Marg
First - whatever has happened, your daughter has chosen to declare it a non-event after the fact (assuming there was a problem - I'm with you, I think there was a problem but it now has been resolved as far as your daughter thinks).
So even if your sister had responded at the time she received the message, then possibly there might have been someone to answer the phone; but even then, the immediate panic (whatever it was) may have passed and she might have said, "No problem, I'm fine, don't know what the fuss is about."
The person who left the message - probably trying to avoid having their voice on any recording. There could be many reasons for this, ones that don't involve a breach with the law. And of course there could be the law. But I do agree, I think the person leaving the message has your daughter's welfare at heart. I also suspect the person didn't want ANY evidence left for your daughter to be able to definitely know who it was. As it is, Auntie has probably blown the cover of the person who left the message. I don't think the person who left the message was responsible for any hypothetical harm to your daughter.
I'm wondering if the problem with your daughter was a short-term escalation of the BiPolar (BP), and it might have scared someone to see it. It's one thing to welcome a fellow 'traveller' who is living a free and easy life; but to realise that your new friend actually is mentally ill, can make a streetwise person want to not only get a random element out of their immediate vicinity, but also want to help her get to a safer place.
Street people are not necessarily bad people. They often ARE out for themselves primarily, but within a certain range of acceptability, they do care about one another. I used to work in a rough neighbourhood, street people sleeping in every doorway. My car had to be parked on the street and regularly got broken into. I only knew, because the contents had been rearranged and stuff normally kept in the glove box was tumbled out into the rest of the car.
BUT - I was walking to work one morning and slipped and fell. I had several of these street people rush over and help me up. They made sure I was OK and hadn't done too serious an injury, they rang the doorbell of the building for me and called security to help me in. And they didn't take the opportunity to rob me, they were in fact very kind.
I think this is what your daughter sees - there are some people out there who are caring. Of course they would rob her blind if they could get away with it, but there is a certain honour among thieves also. There are people living like this for many different reasons. YOU have been a loving, caring parent. Not all kids have had this.
The police - your daughter is not dangling over a cliff, she's not screaming for help because she's being held captive - she's in fact wanted for a minor offence that is frankly not that much skin off any cop's nose. If they stumble over her they will bring her in. If she turns herself in - so much the better. But they're not going to start a nationwide manhunt for her.
I'm glad you have spoken to the detective. Good for him, calling back early. If there is the chance that this is a scam to get you out of the house so they can go round there and rob the place, then the police need to know. Next time Auntie is talking to your daughter, she could perhaps mention this fear to her as the reason you've been trying to find out if she ever genuinely pushed the panic button & then regretted it, or if someone is taking advantage of a confidence to pull something without your daughter's knowledge. "I just need to know, Brandie, if there is absolutely any chance you may have, in a brief panic, asked someone to call. If you are certain you didn't, then can you think of anyone you gave my full name to? Because if they called me and you didn't ask them to, then perhaps they're trying to do us harm. So since you assure me you were not behind this, then let's choose a code word. That way you can send us a message and if the code word is used, we will know it's from you. But if the code word is NOT used, we will know to ignore the message and to take extra precautions. How about you choose a word you think would be a good code word?"
The police will have a fairly low priority on your daughter, since she's not an escaped axe murderer. They won't come out to your place because there really is no need. YOU are probably not in any personal danger because of this, even though you're worried at how much this person knew. The police have probably assumed that your daughter has said more than she meant to at some stage, or has freely given out this information. If your daughter was in a panic and asked a friend to call her Auntie, she may well have given the friend the full information in order to make sure Auntie knew the message was genuine. I mean, if the names hadn't been used, would Auntie have been so ready to believe that the message genuinely came form your daughter? I do think a code word would be a good alternative, to breaching confidentiality.
Is this a scam? It all depends on how willingly your daughter would have divulged this information. Again, a code word arranged at the next call, should scotch any scam unless she divulges the word to the scammer.
How possible is it that your daughter would have shared such confidential information with someone she thought she could trust? husband & I had some communication with a board member before Christmas, about how much information our kids (and we) share about us, that can be enough to reveal a great deal more. husband "white-hatted" the board member and we privately emailed the information we had found, so she could show it to her difficult child to demonstrate just how easy it can be to find out such information. So think - how possible is it, that your sister's name etc could have been tracked by a scammer? What about your daughter's court appearances? Jail time? Your sister visited her, attended court. Your daughter's full name would have been given in court. She may have given your sister's name somewhere somehow as emergency contact, or next of kin. There could be some sort of service your daughter has tried to access, where this information has to be provided in order to get something (accommodation, food, clothing).
I understand you being angry with your daughter - you have every right to be. She pushed a panic button and has now apparently reconsidered her actions. She set things in train and then changed her mind. And you shouldn't just do that to people, it is wrong. it is like the boy crying wolf - you do that too often and people will not respond in a genuine emergency.
However, your daughter did not ask you to take it on board so personally. That is YOUR choice. You are allowing your own thinking to make this escalate and hurt you even more. By mentally labelling her your baby, by telling yourself things like "I can't stop crying, my knees are shaking, I am going to be sick, this is pure torture" you are talking yourself into feeling even worse. You need to find ways to talk yourself down, not up.
I'm not saying that you're not suffering - any loving mother would be hurting over this. But you're not helping yourself calm down by trying to show us how bad you feel. Because of where we all are in our own lives, we do understand the pain better than most people. You don't need to engage us any deeper than we already are - we ARE on board with you, with her. Now we need to help you get your control back, so she doesn't have you running in circles like a chook with its head cut off, all because she had a brief panic and asked someone to leave a message.
You have a right to be upset and panicked. But you have a responsibility to yourself and your son, to not let that panic take over you. Do you see the difference?
Think of yourself as someone living in a war zone. You have the enemy in the streets, you don't know who of your friends and neighbours you can trust because everyone is watching everyone else with distrust. Food is scarce, water is contaminated, you have to go out and forage for basic necessities. How do you cope with this? By closing off part of your mind to the horror and the fear, and putting one foot in front of the other (while watching everything you can). Of course it takes its toll, but if you are to get anything positive achieved, you need to get past this crippling fear and panic.
She is no longer your baby. She is now her adult.
So take some deep breaths. If you need to, make a list. I want you to write down a list of all your worries, your concerns, your fears. Then write next to them (next column, please) which ones are ACTUAL problems happening now, and which ones are just fears of what MIGHT be happening. Then (another column) mark the ones you have control over, and which ones you do not.
Now have a look at the final column. THis should only include those problems which are real NOW, and which you can do something about.
Now go do it. One foot in front of the other. Do your best to shut out the fear in your mind, it is crippling your actions.
ON that list, put yourself and your need to be calm. If doing something about this means you get some help for yourself - then put it down as a priority. You can only be there for your kids, if you don't fall apart yourself. Looking after their mother right now is the best thing you can do for your kids.
Be strong. We're here with you.
Marg
donna723
Well-Known Member
Bran, I don't have much time this morning, and I haven't read through all the replies, but it sounds very 'fishy' to me too! Why would this person give you a disconnected number to call back on? To me it sounds like some sort of scheme - either to get you out of the house or to get you to send money. I've heard that there are programs that can make your call appear to be coming from any telephone number you want it to - you can just pick one at random and that's what will show when they call.
