Son 21, stealing, denying, swearing.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Tired out, May 19, 2018.

  1. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    You can use the library computer.
     
  2. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    AHHHH..the library computer..I just thought of that myself!
    He has a flip phone so that is the phone problem. He is on our plan it costs us next to nothing (5.00/month) but when that phone dies he is on his own there too..
    The money tied to brings stolen good back... normally I would loan him money no problem. but since he took stuff I won't do that. I am sure he is thinking I will cave. but as much as it drives me nuts I can't cave.
    I CAN'T , I CAN'T.
    I do HAVE to get my name off the account so I can't see them anymore.
    When I can't see them I will wonder about what's going on but I won't obsess about it. I asked the bank manager if I am on the hook for it if he overdraws. She said no. but it still bothers me. I don't want to close my accounts and change banks so they can't take it out of my account.

    thank you for reading and listening to my crazy. I know what I need to do. It is so hard.. and to think I am the #1 care giver of a physically/multiply handicapped person. I don't find that nearly as hard this. I thank God every day for my physically challenge son and my beautiful sweet daughter.
     
  3. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    and so it goes... difficult child was supposed to deposit his paycheck today, he didn't. he sent me a text saying he worked late and will have to go to the office tomorrow to get his check to deposit. he is in construction. I am 98% sure the checks are brought to the worksite for the guys NOT that they each have to drive to the office to get their checks 28 miles from site. he knows his car payment has to come out on Tuesday..this is the 1st car payment since he moved out 3 weeks ago. I don't know what he is thinking. Does he think I will pay it? NO WAY, I will not. I have always helped in the past but my enabling is over with. I have other things to spend my money on..like redoing the room he trashed. The 4 holes in the walls (that he smashed with temper) have now been repaired, walls painted.
    After he sent me the text, I replied with "get your check and meet me at the bank in the morning so we can get the account straightened out" he has not replied (that was 2 hours ago) .
    I want my name off those accounts. He can belly up, get the car repossessed, what ever..I. am. DONE. I am glad he pulled this. Do you wonder why? Because I am an idiot..I figured he would be about 80.00 short for car payment and I was going to cover it. not now.
     
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  4. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Good for you stick to your guns.
     
  5. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    He doesn't care. He is living in the moment. You tried to help him. He didn't accept the help. When his car is repossessed then he will care but it will be too late.

    He probably is not sober on the road anyway

    Hey, you tried. He didn't. Not tour fault.
     
  6. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    I still haven't heard from him. I am so ticked. I just want to go to bank with him and remove my name. I don't want any access of to see his crap show up on my banking page. I hate that we have to go together to do this. Since the bank has such a stupid rule that I can't remove my name from a kids account now that he is an adult I guess I will just start the process of changing banks. What a pain! The worst part will be changing the direct deposit for hubby's pay check and resetting up all the recurring billing stuff.
     
  7. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    I will start by saying..Wish us luck.
    A lot has happened since I posted in this thread.
    We did get the banking straightened out.
    Son was fired from job, already had another lined up (that starts 7/9) and is working a part time job nights/weekends too (already started that one before being fired)
    A week ago son came over here. He apologized to his father for all the stuff he stole, sold , he says he can't even figure out what he was thinking that he was wrong and he is sorry. It doesn't fly with hubby/dad) . Then he asked if he could stay here until he got an apartment. here is the "story"
    Guy (39 years) and his girlfriend (21 years) o_Owere renting a house. Guy let son move in with them to help him rehab the house. Guy broke-up with girlfriend and said she had to move out by 6/30. Then Guy decided girlfriend was hot for son and told son he has to get out too. Son and the girlfriend (have known each other a few years--same age) they have decided to share an apartment. Girlfriend's boss said she can stay with her until they get apartment.
    They are filling out apartment applications. Son says they are hoping to have one for 7/15, 8/1 at latest.
    We said he could stay. He just started staying here Saturday a.m.
    He gets off of work at 5am comes here to sleep and is up and gone by 2pm. It has only been 2 days. He has been sociable. I can feel the frustration of him being here coming off hubby. I hate hubby feeling stressed. He just doesn't need it. I hope son can remain inside the lines and sociable. He hasn't asked for money.
    Hubby told him we will help them with the 1st months rent and security deposit (can you tell he doesn't want him to live here?)
    I told hubby I don't want our name on anything :confused:to do with apartment so when they find the right one I will get a cashiers check made out to the renter.
    Say a prayer for us. I hope all of this works out.
     
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  8. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    Good luck it sounds like he is at least trying. I hope it all works out.
     
  9. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Son staying here lasted 5 days..7/4 he and his dad had words (dad's body language and tone of voice brought it on) son said I'm done, I can't stay here. He left. Hubby is glad. I thought it was going to be ok till they get the apartment.
    Friday they put in their application for apartment with the deposit to take it off rental list. (we paid son's share of deposit, as we said we would) He says he is staying at a friends but this morning he called and asked if he could shower here before he went to fill out some paperwork for a new job (he is keeping his part time job and looking for a full time) right now he is getting about 30 hours at part time job)
    I hope he is being truthful about seriously working on getting a full time job. Otherwise he won't be able to make rent , car payment and car insurance. The part time job only pays $9.50/hour. I told him he should waiter as a part time--he is the tall, dark and handsome type and comes across very nice to people he isn't trying to impress. He only gets the attitude when he is trying to show off--he needs to grow out of that--now!
    We warned him that the gravy train is empty. I don't think he believes that. It amazes me that he can be nasty and disrespectful of his dad and still ask me for money. The money comes from dad! It is like he thinks I am not telling his dad what he asks for, but I always do. It was his dad that said lets pay his security and 1 st months rent . Maybe it will make him want to be more responsible to have his own place and be in charge of himself. Let's hope so.
    I write things down here so I can see them and re-read them myself.
    He acts like an entitled jerk.
     
  10. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I do hope it all works out for the best. Not easy to embrace them when they have stolen and lied. May your son grow to appreciate the support you have provided to him.
     
  11. Sam3

    Sam3 Active Member

    I think the tough part for us is not living in their moment, but living in ours.
     
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  12. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    They moved into their apartment yesterday. He came over and picked up all the household stuff I had been saving for him....you know all the "stuff" you clean out of cupboards because somehow you have 4 brownie pans, 3 sets of measuring cups , extra pots and pans, towels, sheets. I had a whole car load of stuff for him. I love cleaning out.
    He did get a regular full time job and he is keeping his part-time job. As long as he sticks with his plan he should be fine financially. Fingers crossed and prayers said.
     
  13. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    TiredOut, I didn't know you were new like me too! I am glad I caught this thread so this way I can learn mroe about ya :) Not knowing where you gun is a scary thing. I can compeletly understand why you and your husband are so upset about that.
     
  14. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    The gun was sold to a dealer. He says he can't explain why he did it and feels bad about it. I think he just wanted cash and that was a n easy way to get it.
    I don't think he feels bad about it (yet). Hopefully someday he will come to realize what a self centered jerk he was and right now still is.
     
  15. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    Wow. That is a cryin shame TO. I'm sorry. At least now you know what happened to it.
     
  16. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Moving forward..we hope.
    Son and girlfriend have been in their apt almost 3 weeks. so far, so good.
    He was here a couple of nights ago. He was having trouble depositing his check through ATM and asked me to do mobile deposit for him (he doesn't have a smart phone). I did that. He say, had a pop and talked with his dad and I for about 1/2 hour. Nice as could be. not a foul mouth to be heard. The kid we used to know was here. I hope the one that replaced him is gone forever (yeah, yeah, pipe dream). He asked to use the carpet machine--he says the apt carpets need cleaning. He can be a slob but doesn't like dirt. His sister has the machine so he had to call her to get that, and he did.
    Yesterday I had Kohl's cash to use (for those of you who think ?? Kohl's cash is store money that has to be used in store by expiration date, earn 10 for 50 spend plus they had other incentives so I had $50 to use) I went through the store. one $10 item I wanted. I picked up some household things for son to use the rest. I told him to stop by I had stuff for him. His dad and I were out and we decided to gt him a grocery gift card to go with the kitchen stuff I had gotten. We won't give cash, at least grocery card is used for groceries :). He was appreciative and we even got a thank you. next week he will finally be getting paid from both jobs (1 job is a 2x/month pay and they withheld 1st paycheck.)all he has had is his part time paycheck for the last month.
    Baby steps. Hoping he can continue to stay on track.
    I read so many relapses here it scares me to pieces.
     
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  17. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am glad things are going well and will pray they continue.
     
  18. Tired out

    Tired out Active Member

    Well. Here I am. I stayed away for a while. I decided I needed to observe our situation and try not to read into things my son said/text by inserting (in my head) things I was reading here.
    The short of it is. I could have saved myself a lot of money and grief by listening to SWOT right off the bat when I 1st found this sight. She basically said, cut him off, no funds, let him figure it out.
    He moved out, got kicked out of where he went, him and girl(friend) moved in together. We helped them with the security and 1st moths rent ( I couldn't stand the idea of him being homeless). He got fired from and job (he had it when he lived with us, well paying, only lasted 5 months, he got fired a month after he moved out) then got another job lasted 6 months was doing ok, money tight, we helped a little, I could see where the money was going (my name was on the checking account since he was using the one I had originally opened with him when he was 16, 1st job) No drugs, just car payment,insurance, rent, utilities, food. He got fired , was with out a job for February got a new job that started March 1st , we helped with (his half) rent, yes I allowed him to manipulate me into that.

    He is making decent money and can cover his bills (pretty easily with about $125 extra/week) if he chooses too. I could see he wasn't paying his bills, just blowing the money.

    I asked him September to meet me at the bank to take my name off account, we got there and he didn't have his license for ID. I left it go until last week then last Friday I asked him to meet me at the bank to take my name off, he said ok , then cancelled. He said he could do it Monday because he wasn't working until 2pm, changing to 2nd shift he said. This morning I texted him to ask if he could meet me at 10 at the bank? He said he was working 1st shift till 12 then he could meet me at 1. I drove past his apartment, he was out back in his car and his girlfriend and a guy came out of the apartment and got in his car. He didn't see me until he drove towards the exit and I stopped right in front of him. We were face to face. I shook my head and drove towards home. My phone went off pretty quickly, him swearing at me about staling him and being creepy coming by his apt (actually it was on my way home from grocery store - it was just timing!) I said either meet me at the bank at 11 or I am just closing the account (we both have to be present to remove a name)
    Then he texted told me , I've been paying all my bills BUT I forgot to pay rent (it was due 4/1) can you help me?" I looked at the checking account for the last 4 weeks... he blew through all the money every week, didn't pay any bills at all. restaurants, gas, fast food, Starbucks, grocery store, pet store, SERIOUSLY $5-600/week gone in 4-days!!
    I replied with, "meet me at the bank at 11. to take my name off account"
    He met me at the bank, wants to know why I am being such a beach and his girlfriend is pissed that I drove by like that.
    I grew a pair of.... I turned on him and quietly said, "I don't give a flyin flip what that girl likes or doesn't like. I don't care what you like or don't like. I am not enabling you anymore. It is completely unfair for you to ask me for help and then totally disrespect me and my time. Now let's just go in the bank, remove my name and you will have all the privacy you can possibly wish for." we went in and did it. We walked out together. Outside I said to him. From now on I am your mom, not your loan officer or you banker or accountant. I love you and it is time for you to lead your life. He walked away got in his car. no reply. I wonder if he will pay his bills or get evicted, care repossessed?

    There is my story of stupidity and a mom that didn't want to let the son that swore and stole live under a bridge. All I did is prolong my own anxiety.
    Now I need to let go and when some one asks..I have 2 children Jill and Alex. Great adult kids.

    Listen to SWOT.
     
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  19. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This is great!!

    I've missed you Tired.

    You did it!

    What a jerk! And the girl, jeez.
     
  20. overcome mom

    overcome mom Member

    Tried out - we have all been there, thinking that if you just help a little they will get themselves together and things will be better. Then they just keep asking for money. Don't be surprised if he really starts to amp it up. Good chance things will get worse before they get better. You are doing the right thing. Now I just have to follow my own advice:) So hard watching them crash.
     
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