Son arrested

[Love hurts]

We adopted our son when he was 2 days old. (He is now 19) His childhood consisted of being kicked out of school for what seemed like every year. Although we were proactive with counseling, things got much worse when he was a junior in highschool. He started distancing himself from us, smoking weed, and getting into trouble a lot. Things got worse when he was a senior in Highschool, where he was kicked out of school for good. He has used every drug now you can think of, stolen our car, stolen money and has now started to call us by our first names as if we are not his real parents. I guess I wanted you to understand the different dynamics we are working with. He is not only a difficult child, but is adopted and feels entitled and has not kept a job longer than a few months.

My son only comes over to visit when he wants money. He recently started dating a girl that has a small child and now together they have a small child and no jobs. My son came over about a month ago to ask for $150 to help out with diapers and such, then the next week came over for $60. He always says he will pay us back but never does. A little over a week ago, he called my wife and asked for more money and we both decided we were no longer going to give him money so we said no. He then came over to our house to visit and when we were not looking he stole a check from my desk. I was checking my bank account when I noticed a check for $350 cashed made out to my son. I texted my son telling him I knew what he had done and informed him He had by the end of the week to get the money back to me or I was calling the police. However, my son called me and said... " I know what I did was wrong but I was needing the money and you wouldn't give it to me so I just took it" I responded by telling him yes it was wrong and not only that but it breaks our trust even more and not only that but $350 is a lot to take from me it is a set back. He then responded by telling me he knows we have a lot of money because of our vacation to Hawaii, and the new house we now have. I told him that doesnt mean we have money, it means we have a lot of debt, and it still doesnt justify stealing. He then proceeded to yell at me and curse. I kept it brief and told him make sure to get my money back to me. I decided at that point to file a police report.

3 days later he showed up at our house with a check from his girl friends parents in the amount of $350 and asks me what kind of parent wouldnt give to their kid in need. I stuck to my guns and tried to keep the conversation short. I told him I loved him and he was no longer welcome in our home until he gets things turned around. This morning I have just found out he has indeed been arrested and tried calling me 8 times but I was sleeping. He is so furious it has me doubting myself. His girlfriend sent me a text also asking why would you have him arrested after he gave you the money back? Any advice is welcome

 

[wisernow]

I am sorry you are going through this. Firstly be glad that he is NOT living with you. That will make it easier for you to set boundaries and begin some of the detachment process which is a way to still love your son but not have his life negatively influence yours and your wife. It can be found on this site...I am sure one of the members will send it. (sorry I am still navigating the site). Bottom line is son stole from you and feels entitled and from the sounds of things treats you and your wife like crap. Let him face his consequences. Its okay for him to be angry . If you continue to try to placate him he will use and use and suck your life joy and finances dry. In my view best to detach at this time and let him and his girlfriend figure things out. Sorry this is hard I know. If they need money for diapers in the future buy the diapers but not give them the money. I am thinking there are some drug issues going on as well.

 

[BusynMember]

Your son is abusing you and stealing from you. He calls you by your first names? Really? I wouldnt even answer him if he called me that. Its very disrespectful. He justifies stealing instead of working??? Does he ever call just to ask how you are doing? Show love? I have three kids adopted young. They call us mom and dad. They are loving, work, and dont ask for money. Being adopted is no excuse.

Your sons girlfriend snd her child are NOT your business. You owe all three of them nothing. Your son needs to learn it is on his shoulders if he wants to take on a girl and her child. Unless he is disabled (in which case he needs to apply for Disability and survive on that plus food stamps) there is no reason he doesnt work except he wont. I agree drugs are probably going on here. We are not supposed to financially support our children after age 18. Dont let him guilt you. Suggest girlfriend use cloth diapers. Disposables are expensive...he cant afford them.

It is hard to stand strong. We are here to hold you up. Take care.

 

[DoneDad]

If he's calling from jail you don't have to accept the calls and can have them blocked. He's the one who stole from you, so he is not the victim in this, even though he will try to spin it that way. He feels entitled and that you owe him, so if you hadn't reported it, he would have kept stealing from you. It's better to stop it now than let it go on. You can let him know you love him but won't allow him to steal from you or abuse you. If he starts ranting, just end the communication. The girlfriend is of his same entitled mindset. I would ignore her. You might let them know that it's a crime to try to dissuade a crime victim from reporting or testifying.

 

[RN0441]

I agree with everyone else.

You've tried everything to get him to change. He doesn't want to change.

Don't enable by giving in to his demands. I agree to buy the baby diapers once in a while; maybe cloth ones as suggested but I wouldn't give him a dime.

This is hard stuff but maybe you'll show him that he has to change in order to survive!

 

[pigless in VA]

I'm so sorry. I know all of this feels terrible. There's a difference between being a parent and being a doormat. Your son thinks you are a doormat and now you are teaching him that you are not. There's no way to predict what will shock him in to the realization that he is an actual adult with responsibilities. He's going to be furious with you, but you are only giving him the natural consequence for his illegal action.

My son stole over $4000 dollars from me through my credit card when he was 17. The only reason I didn't file a police report was that he was not yet an adult. Instead, I made him repay every dime. He worked so hard that year and I was proud of him for showing responsibility. Today, he is supposed to be working and saving for college in the fall. The lesson he learned from the year of hard work seems to have been forgotten.

Here is the detachment article: https://conductdisorders.com/community/threads/article-on-detachment.53639/

 

[ksm]

Did you cash the check he gave you? I know it doesn't negate what he did, but if you took the check and cashed it, you should notify the police of that detail. Ksm

 

[Tanya M]

Hi LH,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I know all too well what it's like to have your child steal from you as do so many of us here.

All in all, I think you handled yourself really well.

He then responded by telling me he knows we have a lot of money because of our vacation to Hawaii, and the new house we now have.

Regardless of whether YOU have money or not, it's your money, not your son's.
My son has done the same thing to me and my husband more than a few times. I refuse to buy into the guilt he tries to lay on me. We have worked hard over the years to have what we have and to take the much needed vacations.

I told him that doesnt mean we have money, it means we have a lot of debt, and it still doesnt justify stealing.

I have found over the years the less said to my son the better, I will not offer him an explanation. One of the times when my son asked for money and I told him no he screamed at me saying he knew I had money and I was a cold hearted B&*^%$ for not giving it him. I told him my finances were none of his business and that I didn't care what he thought of me.
The more we say no to these difficult adult children the less they will ask. It can take some time but they do get the message.

I decided at that point to file a police report.

I know how hard that can be, I've done it more than a few times.

3 days later he showed up at our house with a check from his girl friends parents in the amount of $350 and asks me what kind of parent wouldnt give to their kid in need.

These kinds of statements are pure manipulation tactics and nothing more. They are hoping to make us feel guilt enough so that we will give into them. If the girlfriends parents want to enable them that's their business.
I'll tell what kind of parent doesn't give money to their kid "in need", it's a loving parent who knows that by enabling them they are not helping them.

This morning I have just found out he has indeed been arrested and tried calling me 8 times but I was sleeping. He is so furious it has me doubting myself. His girlfriend sent me a text also asking why would you have him arrested after he gave you the money back?

The fact that the money he stole was reimbursed to you does not change the fact that he not only stole he committed fraud. Also, he did not pay you back, the money came from his girlfriends parents.
He started this chain of events.
Please don't doubt yourself, that's a trap that's easy to fall into. Doubt can lead to guilt and before we know it we are sucked into our difficult adult child's chaos and drama.

You have done nothing wrong.

Please keep posting and let us know how things are going.

 

[RN0441]

Enabling is disabling - someone said this on another post and it is so true.

Three words to remember!

 

[Love hurts]

Wow! I must say, this is the most support I have gotten. People who haven't had difficult children seem to not understand how to deal with these type of issues. I have heard from my church group things like " they have to hit rock bottom" or a little tough love is needed here" but what does that actually look like? Thank you all for taking time to support us.

UPDATE: I received a call from girlfriend mom who seemed suportive of what I have done. She made a sugestion of recommending Job Corps and asked me if I would consider doing a R.O.R so he didn't have to pay bail, and sugested I make Job Corp a condition of this, so it didnt go on his record and he could get his life turned around. Thoughts?

 

[Tanya M]

I think the suggestion of Job Corps is great and I do agree that it should be a condition of R.O.R.

There is always hope for our kids. Mine is 35 and currently in prison but I still have hope that someday........
Our children are now adults, they make their own choices good or bad. The best thing we can do for them is to not enable them as this allows them to grow on their own. We do not have any power or control over them. The only power and control we have is how we respond to them.
Be prepared for your son to rant. Hopefully he won't but if he does keep your responses simple and to the point. Don't let him draw you into an argument and remember, you should never have to offer an explanation as to why you have said no.

I have heard from my church group things like " they have to hit rock bottom" or a little tough love is needed here" but what does that actually look like?

People are well meaning and say what they think is helpful.
As for hitting rock bottom, who know what that really looks like. I've thought my son has hit rock bottom many times and yet nothing changes.
Tough love for me is simply not giving into their wants and having firm boundaries in place.

There is an article that is at the top of this forum about detaching. Detaching does not mean that we stop loving our kids it just means that we not be held hostage by their manipulation of our emotions. It means that we have our own lives to live without the their chaos and drama.
Here's a link to the article - some great information.
Article on Detachment

 

[DoneDad]

UPDATE: I received a call from girlfriend mom who seemed suportive of what I have done. She made a sugestion of recommending Job Corps and asked me if I would consider doing a R.O.R so he didn't have to pay bail, and sugested I make Job Corp a condition of this, so it didnt go on his record and he could get his life turned around. Thoughts?

This sounds like a Win-Win if it's possible. Don't know how it is where you are, but we had a similar situation (daughter and loser boyfriend stole from us, we reported it) and we found out once it's in the court system it's really out of your hands to some extent, but he's young. With us we got the court to defer prosecution if she went to a year of therapy. It ended up she got no charges and went to therapy for a year.

She still has issues, but we know we tried everything we could.

 

[Kathy813]

My definition of hitting rock bottom is when life becomes harder using drugs/alcohol than staying sober. That won't happen as long as we are rescuing them from the consequences of their addiction which includes giving them money, fixing legal issues, giving them a place to stay instead of making them act as adults and support themselves.

I love Tanya's definition of tough love.

Tough love for me is simply not giving into their wants and having firm boundaries in place.

Learning to set those firm boundaries is not easy to do. It took me two years of private therapy to learn how to do that. That's why we say that the real work is learning to change ourselves and our reactions to our loved one's behaviors.

My therapist kept telling me over and over that I couldn't change my daughter's behavior or drug use. She was going to do what she wanted to do. I had to learn to stop letting it affect me.

To my delight and surprise, once I had set boundaries in place and expected by daughter to step up to the plate . . . she did. She has been sober for 16 months, has held down a full time job for 12 months, and is totally self-supporting.

I am almost afraid to post this because I don't want to jinx her recovery. However, I realize now that if she does relapse it will be on her and it will be hers to fix. I remain cautiously optimistic.

~Kathy

 

[Tanya M]

That's why we say that the real work is learning to change ourselves and our reactions to our loved one's behaviors.

This is one of the hardest things for a parent to grasp but once you do there is such a freedom that comes with it.
Kathy, I'm so glad to hear your daughter is doing well.

 

[Crayola13]

We adopted our son when he was 2 days old. (He is now 19) His childhood consisted of being kicked out of school for what seemed like every year. Although we were proactive with counseling, things got much worse when he was a junior in highschool. He started distancing himself from us, smoking weed, and getting into trouble a lot. Things got worse when he was a senior in Highschool, where he was kicked out of school for good. He has used every drug now you can think of, stolen our car, stolen money and has now started to call us by our first names as if we are not his real parents. I guess I wanted you to understand the different dynamics we are working with. He is not only a difficult child, but is adopted and feels entitled and has not kept a job longer than a few months.

My son only comes over to visit when he wants money. He recently started dating a girl that has a small child and now together they have a small child and no jobs. My son came over about a month ago to ask for $150 to help out with diapers and such, then the next week came over for $60. He always says he will pay us back but never does. A little over a week ago, he called my wife and asked for more money and we both decided we were no longer going to give him money so we said no. He then came over to our house to visit and when we were not looking he stole a check from my desk. I was checking my bank account when I noticed a check for $350 cashed made out to my son. I texted my son telling him I knew what he had done and informed him He had by the end of the week to get the money back to me or I was calling the police. However, my son called me and said... " I know what I did was wrong but I was needing the money and you wouldn't give it to me so I just took it" I responded by telling him yes it was wrong and not only that but it breaks our trust even more and not only that but $350 is a lot to take from me it is a set back. He then responded by telling me he knows we have a lot of money because of our vacation to Hawaii, and the new house we now have. I told him that doesnt mean we have money, it means we have a lot of debt, and it still doesnt justify stealing. He then proceeded to yell at me and curse. I kept it brief and told him make sure to get my money back to me. I decided at that point to file a police report.

3 days later he showed up at our house with a check from his girl friends parents in the amount of $350 and asks me what kind of parent wouldnt give to their kid in need. I stuck to my guns and tried to keep the conversation short. I told him I loved him and he was no longer welcome in our home until he gets things turned around. This morning I have just found out he has indeed been arrested and tried calling me 8 times but I was sleeping. He is so furious it has me doubting myself. His girlfriend sent me a text also asking why would you have him arrested after he gave you the money back? Any advice is welcome

The girlfriend is using your son because she doesn't want to have to get diaper money from the baby's dad or her parents. The question is why? Maybe they are afraid she is shooting it in her arm, and refuse to give her any. The baby is not your responsibility. That is not your grandchild. This relationship will fizzle out soon enough.

 

[RN0441]

I just reread his original post. They do have child together also so there are two children involved.

 

[Love hurts]

Your son is abusing you and stealing from you. He calls you by your first names? Really? I wouldnt even answer him if he called me that. Its very disrespectful. He justifies stealing instead of working??? Does he ever call just to ask how you are doing? Show love? I have three kids adopted young. They call us mom and dad. They are loving, work, and dont ask for money. Being adopted is no excuse.

Your sons girlfriend snd her child are NOT your business. You owe all three of them nothing. Your son needs to learn it is on his shoulders if he wants to take on a girl and her child. Unless he is disabled (in which case he needs to apply for Disability and survive on that plus food stamps) there is no reason he doesnt work except he wont. I agree drugs are probably going on here. We are not supposed to financially support our children after age 18. Dont let him guilt you. Suggest girlfriend use cloth diapers. Disposables are expensive...he cant afford them.

It is hard to stand strong. We are here to hold you up. Take care.

Did you cash the check he gave you? I know it doesn't negate what he did, but if you took the check and cashed it, you should notify the police of that detail. Ksm

Yes I cashed it and reported that to the police.

 

[BusynMember]

One of tje grandmas will probably end up with the kids. A real case of babies with babies.

 

[Littleboylost]

We adopted our son when he was 2 days old. (He is now 19) His childhood consisted of being kicked out of school for what seemed like every year. Although we were proactive with counseling, things got much worse when he was a junior in highschool. He started distancing himself from us, smoking weed, and getting into trouble a lot. Things got worse when he was a senior in Highschool, where he was kicked out of school for good. He has used every drug now you can think of, stolen our car, stolen money and has now started to call us by our first names as if we are not his real parents. I guess I wanted you to understand the different dynamics we are working with. He is not only a difficult child, but is adopted and feels entitled and has not kept a job longer than a few months.

My son only comes over to visit when he wants money. He recently started dating a girl that has a small child and now together they have a small child and no jobs. My son came over about a month ago to ask for $150 to help out with diapers and such, then the next week came over for $60. He always says he will pay us back but never does. A little over a week ago, he called my wife and asked for more money and we both decided we were no longer going to give him money so we said no. He then came over to our house to visit and when we were not looking he stole a check from my desk. I was checking my bank account when I noticed a check for $350 cashed made out to my son. I texted my son telling him I knew what he had done and informed him He had by the end of the week to get the money back to me or I was calling the police. However, my son called me and said... " I know what I did was wrong but I was needing the money and you wouldn't give it to me so I just took it" I responded by telling him yes it was wrong and not only that but it breaks our trust even more and not only that but $350 is a lot to take from me it is a set back. He then responded by telling me he knows we have a lot of money because of our vacation to Hawaii, and the new house we now have. I told him that doesnt mean we have money, it means we have a lot of debt, and it still doesnt justify stealing. He then proceeded to yell at me and curse. I kept it brief and told him make sure to get my money back to me. I decided at that point to file a police report.

3 days later he showed up at our house with a check from his girl friends parents in the amount of $350 and asks me what kind of parent wouldnt give to their kid in need. I stuck to my guns and tried to keep the conversation short. I told him I loved him and he was no longer welcome in our home until he gets things turned around. This morning I have just found out he has indeed been arrested and tried calling me 8 times but I was sleeping. He is so furious it has me doubting myself. His girlfriend sent me a text also asking why would you have him arrested after he gave you the money back? Any advice is welcome

Very sorry you are going through this. You are not alone. Stay strong and understand detachment is an excelent thing for you and your wife. He is manipulating you and breaking the law, there is no justification for that. Gaslighting is what they are doing and don't let it beat you down. Stay strong and ask would you have had anyone arrested who stole from you? Of course you would so he. Is has to face the consequences of his own actions. I too struggled with some and guilt for having my son arrested and charged but the support from this forum has made me strong and realize I did the right thing.

 

[Littleboylost]

Wow! I must say, this is the most support I have gotten. People who haven't had difficult children seem to not understand how to deal with these type of issues. I have heard from my church group things like " they have to hit rock bottom" or a little tough love is needed here" but what does that actually look like? Thank you all for taking time to support us.

UPDATE: I received a call from girlfriend mom who seemed suportive of what I have done. She made a sugestion of recommending Job Corps and asked me if I would consider doing a R.O.R so he didn't have to pay bail, and sugested I make Job Corp a condition of this, so it didnt go on his record and he could get his life turned around. Thoughts?

This sounds very reasonable