Son back home and need him out.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Momnotlivingthedream, Oct 13, 2019.

  1. Momnotlivingthedream

    Momnotlivingthedream Had it up to here and i'm not coming down.

    Hi. My son is not diagnosed apart from ADHD and Borderline (BPD) but is a serial self destructive liar. Narcissistic and sociopathic, handsome,might be addicted to sex, high IQ and charming. He is back in our house for what we thought was 3 weeks before jail but now court is February with him here and nowhere else to go. He is making us sick and I need him out but how do I find places for him to stay? I would pay a short term rental to get him out for my sanity. Are there resources you all have found to house your adult children with these issues out there? There is nowhere to turn I feel. Thank you.
  2. BusynMember

    BusynMember Well-Known Member

    My heart bleeds for you. I am so sorry you are dealing with this

    Can he work? Is he allowed to? I'm not familiar with kids waiting for court/jail but partly because we coddled our daughter and got her out of legal trouble. How old is your son?

    You may want to rent him a place, like you thought to do. We paid for our daughter to live elsewhere. She sabataged every place we bought/paid for, and now at 33 she is on her own, but we tried. We did not want our daughter homeless.

    She is on the brink of it now and we are no longer willing to help her. She can not live in our house anymore. Ever. She knows this and hates us for it but we are done giving her a dime or housing her. She is awful to us all and steals.

    But we had to try first before we admitted that housing her while she abused us would kill us and did not help her one bit. She just got meaner

    In the meantime, do what you can live with. Don't house him in your home if he is hurting you. Pay for another place or let him use the shelters. There is Section 8, welfare, food share and Medicaid. SSDI too if he qualifies.

    God bless you. it is so very hard.
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  3. Momnotlivingthedream

    Momnotlivingthedream Had it up to here and i'm not coming down.

  4. Momnotlivingthedream

    Momnotlivingthedream Had it up to here and i'm not coming down.

    It’s so hard and there are no resources I find. He is 28 and is landscaping but just hanging on. I’m coming to the conclusion that he is kind of a bad person and I need to detach. I’ve done alanon and other addiction parent support routes but this is so different. When I found this site it was the first time I could relate to others experiences. It’s surreal to be going through this alone. A living hell.
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    If you want to take responsibility for this, there would be sober living houses, if he has addiction issues. You could find a room for rent in a shared house or a motel by the week or month. Or even an Airbnb by the month. (Usually these are discounted, depending upon the area and season.) I have had experience with all three. There are advantages of each one. Even in an expensive area, I think you could find something that would be affordable.

    Welcome to the forum. I am sorry you are in this situation. Many of us, are too.
  6. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    How about an extended stay hotel it would be furnished which might help. I would only give him enough time to find a place of his own. Do not co sign or you will be responsible for damage or if he doesnt pay.
  7. poppy

    poppy New Member

    You could try an inexpensive motel with a weekly rate in the short term. He may qualify for subsidized housing. Does he have a case manager or is he covered by other local city or county services?
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  8. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Have you tried Facebook, Craigslist, or similar neighborhood boards that may list rooms for rent?

    This may be your cheapest option.
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  9. Blindsided

    Blindsided Face the Sun

    Have you read the article on the forum on detaching? For me, I am detaching from the emotional manipulation and learning to see things from an onlookers perception. It doesn't mean I don't still love my 41 year old alcoholic abusive daughter who I suspect is Borderline (BPD) (every characteristic) or bi-polar (runs in family), maybe both. I send her loving thoughts as I let go and trust in God to care for her where I can't. It is a positive message, the outcome I know depends on my daughter's acceptance and that is something I cannot control. From what I have read about Borderline (BPD), the best treatment is lifelong, intensive dialectical behavioral therapy. We can't do that for them.

    As suggested by many here, I am reading Radical Acceptance and it is a great book!

    Thinking of you with love and light.
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  10. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome! I'm so glad you found us here and I'm sorry for what you are going through.

    I think you have received some good advice and I think it's wonderful that you are willing to help him. Please understand however that it is not your responsibility to do this for him. He should be doing this for himself.

    There was a time with my son that I did this. We actually purchased a small home that was a foreclosure. The goal was to have our son live there while he got his life together, you know get a job, start being responsible, blah, blah, blah..........
    It didn't work out - long story for another time.

    What I can tell you is I do not regret doing that. I know deep in my soul that my husband and I did everything we could to help our son get his life on track. I do not look back wondering "if only I had done this".

    Bottom line, we each have to do what we can live with but we also need to make sure we are taking care of ourselves first.

    Let us know how things are going, we really do care. Within these pages you will find much needed support.

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