Son in prison again

[Bettyboo44]

The only thing that stopped me from destroying myself, is that I went so far I almost didn't exist as myself. I hope you don't have to go so far down, as I did.

I completely get what you’re saying, I have been desperately trying to mind myself, but it’s proving very difficult. I have 2 children. My son I mentioned on here (who doesn’t live with me) and I have another son who lives with me. The son that lives with me is 22, nearly 23 and he drinks from the minute he wakes up until he goes to sleep. Unlike my eldest son he wasn’t a ‘difficult’ child (the opposite) but the last 3 years with him have been like some hellish groundhog day, and today he came in howling saying he wants to end his life. I listened and gave advice for hours upon hours but he isn’t taking it, insisting what’s the point. He barely leaves the house, so I don’t get much space from him, it’s just the two of us here. For last few months, I’ve been thinking of ways so that I don’t have to live with him anymore as I know this isn’t healthy for either of us, and between him and my other son I just don’t have anything left to give.

 

[Bettyboo44]

. Choices have consequences and as long as he knows he can keep running back to you, he will never be humbled and appreciate what he had when you were in his life.

It’s been a week today since he’s been back in jail and I’ve not answered any of his calls. Today was the first time I got no calls from him. This has conjured mixed feelings of relief but also has something happened, BUT I’m determined not to cave and try find out.

 

[Copabanana]

between him and my other son I just don’t have anything left to give.

I don't know what country you're in, but I think Al Anon (for family members of alcoholics) is all over, and for sure it is online. I urge you to begin to attend meetings.

 

[Bettyboo44]

Bettyboo44 in 2020 my son had been in jail for 3 1/2 months. I told him several times (as I was accepting calls from jail) that he could come home one last time but there would be no drinking. The moment he drank, he would become homeless. He was home for two months and picked a fight to go drink. When he came back inebriated, I had locked myself in my bedroom. He came to my door and I told him goodnight I'd see him in the morning. I left for work that next day, asked my boss if I could leave at lunch and came home and told him to get his belongings that he was leaving. I drove him two hours to where his dad lived. He got in my face when we got there and I dropped him and his belongings in a McDonald's parking lot with his phone and $500. When I turned to leave he hit me. That was it. I deactivated my Facebook and blocked him from my phone.

It absolutely is not cruel to disappear. He's not an infant or a toddler. He's a grown man now. Time for him to see what it's like to make it on his own without Mom. Choices have consequences and as long as he knows he can keep running back to you, he will never be humbled and appreciate what he had when you were in his life. Mine lived with his dad for a year, lived with some guy for two years and has couch surfed the last year until he finally ended up homeless at the Nashville Rescue Mission for two weeks. That experience totally humbled him. The only reason I went and got him this time was because he was having some mental issues due to an epilepsy medication that had put him on and he had also jumped off of a balcony and severely injured his foot. He's been like a different person since he's been home. As soon as he heals and is off his crutches, he's going to a halfway house in Kentucky who is giving him a second chance. He was there six years ago and got kicked out. We shall see how it goes this time? I've already told him if you leave this time, you're done. I will not live this life with you. I'm 59 1/2 years old and I deserve to live the rest of my life without all of this drama and I mean it. He knows now that I really do mean it.

I don't know what country you're in, but I think Al Anon (for family members of alcoholics) is all over, and for sure it is online. I urge you to begin to attend meetings.

I reached out to Al Anon by phone about 6 weeks ago and have been to 2 meetings since. I am determined to keep going as much as I can.

 

[Bettyboo44]

He's been like a different person since he's been home. As soon as he heals and is off his crutches, he's going to a halfway house in Kentucky who is giving him a second chance.

Oh I’m truly happy to hear this and I am hoping that this time he takes his second chance. Is he home for long?
Ps. I was trying to quote you and I reposted what you said I’m sorry, am just getting used of posting on here

 

[MommaTried24]

No problem at all. It took me a little while to learn how to do all of this on this site as well. I totally understand. He will only be here long enough to get off crutches. Maybe 2 more weeks?

 

[Bettyboo44]

No problem at all. It took me a little while to learn how to do all of this on this site as well. I totally understand. He will only be here long enough to get off crutches. Maybe 2 more weeks?

Thank you, I’m really not very tech savvy! How do you think you’ll feel when it’s time for him to leave? Do you think he’ll put up a resistance?

 

[MommaTried24]

How do you think you’ll feel when it’s time for him to leave? Do you think he’ll put up a resistance?

Honestly, he told the lady who interviewed him for the program that his only motivation for going there six years ago was to get out of going to jail. This time, he says he really wants to turn his life around and wishes he could go back and have another chance to make it right. He also says he wants to have and maintain a healthy relationship with his mother. I believe he has learned some very hard lessons not having me in his life and is ready to go.

How do I feel about it? If he would be like he's been since he's been back at my house, I'd want to keep him here forever. LOL! He's been just wonderful but I know he has to learn the skills he needs to not drink and to live sober in his own life. I am happy and hopeful for a new beginning for the both of us. However, I've made it quite clear, if he leaves or gets kicked out again, do not call me. His choice, his consequence. Good or bad.

 

[Bettyboo44]

Honestly, he told the lady who interviewed him for the program that his only motivation for going there six years ago was to get out of going to jail. This time, he says he really wants to turn his life around and wishes he could go back and have another chance to make it right. He also says he wants to have and maintain a healthy relationship with his mother. I believe he has learned some very hard lessons not having me in his life and is ready to go.

How do I feel about it? If he would be like he's been since he's been back at my house, I'd want to keep him here forever. LOL! He's been just wonderful but I know he has to learn the skills he needs to not drink and to live sober in his own life. I am happy and hopeful for a new beginning for the both of us. However, I've made it quite clear, if he leaves or gets kicked out again, do not call me. His choice, his consequence. Good or bad.

That’s really positive that it’s came from him that he wants to go rather than thinking of it as ‘having’ to go. Hopefully spending some time with you whilst making an effort from his part (and of course yours) will also encourage him the effort is worth it in the long run. I’m truly happy to hear that it’s going well, so well, you don’t want him to leave, but I absolutely agree that learning to stand on his own two feet (excuse the pun!) is needed, it’s essential for any of us to learn this in order to appreciate what we have, and to appreciate ourselves.
Much love and positive vibes going your way that this is a fresh beginning for ye both

 

[MommaTried24]

Thank you so much Bettyboo44. It's been a very long hard road of tough love but I'm hopeful it may finally pay off. If not, I'll be disappointed of course but I've learned only he can change himself. I'm praying for the same for you and your son my new friend. Wishing you a peaceful day.

 

[Bettyboo44]

I’m hopeful too for you both I appreciate that, more than I can say, thank you And to you also , wishing you a drama free beautiful day

 

[Bettyboo44]

Thank you

I agree with Copabanana. I think it is in his best interest and yours, long term, for you to step back. No doubt he will be confused and maybe angry. But then he might think about why...maybe....and his thinking and behavior might shift. I am glad that you feel a better sense of control and calmness.

Thank you so much, I’m grateful I’m feeling some peace, he’s been phoning again quite frequently but I don’t want to break the cycle of calmness. Though feel guilty that maybe I should answer now, as in quite some time has past and I have no clue how he is or how long he’s in for etc

 

[Copabanana]

Though feel guilty that maybe I should answer now, as in quite some time has past and I have no clue how he is or how long he’s in

What about writing letters to him?
I don't know what to tell you. I worked in prisons for over 30 years in the medical field caring for prisoners.. People are safer in prison than outside. Your son has gotten himself in quite a bit of trouble outside of prison.
Now for the question of how long he's in: How is this important?
It is what it is. The longer he is there the longer he might be able to have an opportunity to change direction, if he chooses.
Silence is a gift, for him, too. Maybe silence will get his attention.
I think we as mothers get addicted to our difficult adult children. If this applies to you, why not give yourself a chance to detox, and give your son a chance to grow up?
And then, there is the peace. Peace is good. You have no reason to feel guilt. (Have you read the Detachment Article on this site?)
Nothing. NOTHING can come from accepting his calls. Nothing good for him. Nothing good for you. That is my firm belief.

 

[Bettyboo44]

What about writing letters to him?
I don't know what to tell you. I worked in prisons for over 30 years in the medical field caring for prisoners.. People are safer in prison than outside. Your son has gotten himself in quite a bit of trouble outside of prison.
Now for the question of how long he's in: How is this important?
It is what it is. The longer he is there the longer he might be able to have an opportunity to change direction, if he chooses.
Silence is a gift, for him, too. Maybe silence will get his attention.
I think we as mothers get addicted to our difficult adult children. If this applies to you, why not give yourself a chance to detox, and give your son a chance to grow up?
And then, there is the peace. Peace is good. You have no reason to feel guilt. (Have you read the Detachment Article on this site?)
Nothing. NOTHING can come from accepting his calls. Nothing good for him. Nothing good for you. That is my firm belief.

Oh my, that cannot have been easy, 30 years working in a prison. I agree totally that prison is probably where he needs to be. Yeah I know your right, it isn’t important, but more my own worry/dread of how long more is this going to carry on for but equally I am enjoying the peace and I know from all previous calls that it’s of no benefit…I’m just used as a tool to meet his needs for the duration he’s in there.
I have read the article on detachment and taken a screenshot to remind myself when I feel myself feeling guilt or uncertainty. It makes so much sense, a bit like you Copabanana, I am so thankful for your words of wisdom and advice. I’m notorious for thinking I know what’s best when it comes to my children (after all I raised them on my own, who else knows what’s best etc) , yet for some reason I trust what you say and utterly do believe it’s for the greater good, which is unfathomable really as we are complete strangers. However I’m not questioning the logistics , instead am just beyond grateful

 

[Copabanana]

my own worry/dread of how long more is this going to carry on for

This is a powerful insight. Feelings are not facts!!! Thank you for your trust.