Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by poppy, Jun 8, 2019.
You aren't weak.
How do you go about not tolerating abusive talk? Hang up or walk away, or do you say something to make it stop?
You can't stop abusive talk. Anything you say will invite a stronger, worse reaction. In my experience and from what I have read here, if there is abusive talk, you hang up, you walk away. On the phone you tell him, if you begin to speak to me that way xx, xx, xx, (spell it out), I will hang up. If it happens again, (it will), set a stricter limit, such as, do not speak for a designated period of time. Block him. If he is being abusive to you, you should not be seeing him at all. It is not safe.
We do no favors to our kids letting them mistreat us. Let alone to ourselves. We count too.
Poppy, it helped me to remember that people treat us in the fashion we permit. I allowed my daughter to be abusive to me many years ago because I didn't know how to enact boundaries, say no or limit bad behavior. I believed at the time that because she was struggling with mental/emotional issues, the kind thing to do would be to turn the other cheek because I presumed she was not capable of being another way. I was wrong. I abandoned myself. And, I allowed her to disrespect me. It was a lose/lose.
I did what Copa said, every time she was abusive, mean, manipulative or in any way hurtful or obnoxious, I would state "I am not going to tolerate this behavior, every time you act like this, I will hang up, leave, drop you off......." She figured it out over time and stopped. It was a re-training and a breaking up of old patterned, dysfunctional behavior.
Yes you matter too, your feelings matter. No one gets to treat you with disrespect.......no one.
I have blocked him from my phone but have left my email open for now and have told him that will be the next cut off. In the past I have blocked phone but unblocked within a few days when my heart softens but right now I plan on leaving it blocked for sometime. He needs to understand it’s a privilege to speak with me and not to make me his dumping ground for all his problems
Oh my gosh that 1st paragraph is what I am going through. Thinking he's not capable of being civil while in an episode so he gets a pass to behave however he want to. Setting boundaries is something I must work on. Anything on this site or elsewhere that would be helpful with that?
I am like this, too. But I have stuck to my guns, when I have to. Enough is enough.
Poppy, there is an article on detachment. You can find it below recovering enabler's signature on her post above. It is on the website. Almost all of us have had trouble with boundaries. There is no better way to deal with this, than what RE describes. Be clear about the behavior that you will not tolerate. Spell it out, very briefly. Hang up immediately if he does it. Do not call him. Or accept calls, whatever feels right.
Something I find important is feeling the anger. If you stop being his/her victim, the anger will come. Good. Feel righteous anger. Enough is enough.
I find that in person it is much, much harder because there is the threat of physical boundary crossing which I find very triggering. If my son is not observing boundaries, (or I am not enforcing them adequately) I do not go around him or permit him around me.
Thank you for your input. I have actually copied and pasted the article on Detachment and re-read it often. You know there is one thing (among many) that I've learned from going to Al anon for several years and that is that it is easier to set boundaries when we are "healthier". I was able to set boundaries with my ex-husband the healthier minded I got and I'm hoping that I'll be able to do this with my sons. I have seen "some" improvements in myself insofar as that's concerned but I have such a long way to go. Truly, the key piece is taking care of ourselves. This often times because my sole focus was on the alcoholic and all the crisis it brought to our home, was my main focus and often it seems selfish to now take care of me. My mind has been so convalluted from all my "wrong" thought process that I have to retrain myself to the knowledge that self-care is so important and it will lead to the betterment of all my other issues. I'm really trying to do the same with my sons now. Get myself "better" so I can make sound, wise decisions and set healthy boundaries I can keep. I'm a work in progress for sure.
I recently read something in I think it was a book called "unteathered soul" and the author said the way to begin detaching is to take our attention off the "subject" we are obsessing about. Once we can pull away from making them or it our main focus we can think more clearly and make sounder wiser decisions for our own well being. So, I'll keep trying....
Update...So son isn't homeless right now after all. He got himself psychiatric inpatient, then a motel room, then moved in with a friend in another town. He contacted me for his personal belongings. Says he is going to get a job in that town.
So all of my worry, barely sleeping or eating, and nearly quitting my job from the stress, what did that accomplish? Son was being resourceful on his own for the things he used to rely on me for. Here I thought he couldn't survive on his own.
There are still many issues to resolve but for now I am going to concentrate on myself and husband and learn more about boundaries. The collective wisdom here helped me though my darkest times and I appreciate you all.
So glad it's working out this way. I hope you keep posting. You have so much to contribute here. By posting on other people's threads we come to know better who we are and what we need. I hope you stay for a while, Poppy.
I'm so glad to hear you have some good news. Live in this moment, relish it. It is what we truly hope for all of our Adult children to have the Serenity to accept the things they cannot change, the courage to change the things they can and the wisdom to know the difference!
Bravo! I encourage you to run not walk down the road to focusing on yourself and your husband......go enjoy your lives now.....all of the precious moments.
Separate names with a comma.