Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by poppy, Jun 8, 2019.
You aren't weak.
How do you go about not tolerating abusive talk? Hang up or walk away, or do you say something to make it stop?
You can't stop abusive talk. Anything you say will invite a stronger, worse reaction. In my experience and from what I have read here, if there is abusive talk, you hang up, you walk away. On the phone you tell him, if you begin to speak to me that way xx, xx, xx, (spell it out), I will hang up. If it happens again, (it will), set a stricter limit, such as, do not speak for a designated period of time. Block him. If he is being abusive to you, you should not be seeing him at all. It is not safe.
We do no favors to our kids letting them mistreat us. Let alone to ourselves. We count too.
Poppy, it helped me to remember that people treat us in the fashion we permit. I allowed my daughter to be abusive to me many years ago because I didn't know how to enact boundaries, say no or limit bad behavior. I believed at the time that because she was struggling with mental/emotional issues, the kind thing to do would be to turn the other cheek because I presumed she was not capable of being another way. I was wrong. I abandoned myself. And, I allowed her to disrespect me. It was a lose/lose.
I did what Copa said, every time she was abusive, mean, manipulative or in any way hurtful or obnoxious, I would state "I am not going to tolerate this behavior, every time you act like this, I will hang up, leave, drop you off......." She figured it out over time and stopped. It was a re-training and a breaking up of old patterned, dysfunctional behavior.
Yes you matter too, your feelings matter. No one gets to treat you with disrespect.......no one.
I have blocked him from my phone but have left my email open for now and have told him that will be the next cut off. In the past I have blocked phone but unblocked within a few days when my heart softens but right now I plan on leaving it blocked for sometime. He needs to understand it’s a privilege to speak with me and not to make me his dumping ground for all his problems
Oh my gosh that 1st paragraph is what I am going through. Thinking he's not capable of being civil while in an episode so he gets a pass to behave however he want to. Setting boundaries is something I must work on. Anything on this site or elsewhere that would be helpful with that?
I am like this, too. But I have stuck to my guns, when I have to. Enough is enough.
Poppy, there is an article on detachment. You can find it below recovering enabler's signature on her post above. It is on the website. Almost all of us have had trouble with boundaries. There is no better way to deal with this, than what RE describes. Be clear about the behavior that you will not tolerate. Spell it out, very briefly. Hang up immediately if he does it. Do not call him. Or accept calls, whatever feels right.
Something I find important is feeling the anger. If you stop being his/her victim, the anger will come. Good. Feel righteous anger. Enough is enough.
I find that in person it is much, much harder because there is the threat of physical boundary crossing which I find very triggering. If my son is not observing boundaries, (or I am not enforcing them adequately) I do not go around him or permit him around me.
Separate names with a comma.