SS16 - Encopresis is back

[Betty B]

SS now 16 came to live with me when he was 12.
He has always had severe encopresis. Poops his pants, no hygiene, in severe denial. (all of which is normal for kids with enco)
At 15 his dad FINALLY took him to the hospital. He spent 3 days there where they "cleaned" him out. They couldn't remove it all by going inside while he was under anesthesia, so they had to put him on an IV with medicine to force bowel movements. Again -- it took THREE days.
Afterward, he was doing pretty good. Drinking lots of water. Staying away from sugary drinks, etc.
As of late, I've been noticing "that smell". I brought it up to my husband that I've been seeing the signs -- specs in the tub, on the bathroom floor, in his room. Dad ignores it.
Tonite I couldn't help myself. I went into SS's room and went into his wash. OMG. Undies in there completely filled with poop. It's back to the way it was before. He's completely regressed.
I don't think I can handle another few years of daddy and son ignoring this freaking issue.
What can I do? And beyond what can I do, what is WRONG with this teen?

 

[Betty B]

Oh and he has no social life. No friends. Sits in the basement with his xbox literally every minute he's not in school. Has ADHD. Something seems very wrong to me that he doesn't want to be rid of this issue!

 

[AppleCori]

Hi Betty,

I don't have any experience with encopresis, but I so feel bad for you and your son. It must be so hard for him not to have any friends or a social life.

Is he under the car of any medical professional right now (therapist, psychiatrist, etc.)? If he is, I would let them know. If not, can you get him to see the family doctor? This seems to be a potentially serious medical problem (physically and mentally).

Is the biomom involved? If so, can you talk to her?

Dad really needs to step up. Son is way too old to let this go.

Hope others will come along with some better ideas.

Apple

 

[HeadlightsMom]

Betty B -- No words of wisdom for you. Except I must agree.....it does seem unusual that he doesn't want to be rid of this issue? What a difficult issue to contend with for him and for everyone he encounters!

 

[Betty B]

bio mom is not involved. and frankly neither is his dad who prefers to ignore the issue.

 

[Betty B]

i'm sorry but i have 3 bio kids. if they were having this issue, we'd be going to the doctor asap.

 

[Betty B]

i'm sorry but i have 3 bio kids. if they were having this issue, we'd be going to the doctor asap. bio dad and my husband (his dad) wants to ignore the issue. pisses me off.

 

[AppleCori]

I agree, Betty. I would take mine to the doctor too.

I would be very upset with a parent who would ignore something like this.

It would cause some serious problems between us.

This is not something I would let go.

 

[in a daze]

Our nephew had this condition. His mom brought him to a therapist. I don't remember them doing any kind of medical intervention. He was a nice kid whose standardized tests were off the charts (30's on the ACT, etc.) but grades were mediocre to terrible. He is 25 now, and is a waiter and has a girlfriend. I think he had some ADHD issues, but was not put on medication. Apparently, he's outgrown it.

I do sympathize, as I remember the smell and the poopy pants (sleepovers at our house, brought him with on vacation). If he were my kid, he'd be seeing a pediatric gastroenterologist, and a child therapist (by the way, I work in gastroenterology).

Ss, I think, needs some therapy, besides the medical intervention. Maybe consult at university medical center. I don't think this will always respond to just bowel training.

 

[Childofmine]

Hi Betty, and welcome to the forum. I am not familiar with this, but you have gotten good advice. Can you consult a pediatrician and/or a specialist yourself and take the information back to his dad?

Denial is a method of surviving that which seems to be intolerable to handle.

If your husband knew of a way forward, he might be willing to look at the situation.

In any event, I can certainly understand your reaction to all of this. And I am so sorry for your stepson. It must be really hard to be him right now.

You're welcome here. Keep posting.

 

[Betty B]

Thank you all for your posts!
I am not sure what SS's dad is planning to do. He won't talk about it or tell me, but I hope hope hope he doesn't ignore this again. I cannot imagine this is doing SS's self esteem any amount of good.
I'm curious...he has never seen a counselor. Do they assess if this is more of a psychological condition?

 

[AppleCori]

Hi Betty,

I'm glad you are back.

I'm sure a counselor could help your son if he would be open to going. Others can probably give you some ideas on what type of counselor to look for/what questions to ask so as to find someone that would be a good fit for son's situation.

Would dad be open to giving you permission to do some research, make some appointments, maybe allow you to take your son to the appointments after he approves of the specific doctor? If he didn't have to do the leg-work, would he be more open to finding some answers?

I wouldn't want this to go on into adulthood, where you then have no say or control over the son, yet he would have a hard time functioning as an adult.

 

[Betty B]

Good suggestions, but SS dad won't allow me to do any of what you suggested. He gets offended and irritated as if it's none of my business. I wouldn't make it my business if he would do what a father is supposed to do!
My irritation with this situation is more toward SS's father. I don't see how he can let his son go on this way.
I'm going to push....I can expect a big fight this evening.

 

[AppleCori]

Is anyone able to talk with son about his condition, or is he in denial like his dad? I'm assuming son wouldn't be comfortable talking to you about it, but no one else seems to think this is a big deal. (maybe some of the relatives are worried?) Are there any problems with this at school?

 

[Betty B]

He would talk to his grandma and grandpa. He is very close to them. He actually wishes desperately to live with them because they truly give him the attention I believe he so desperately craves from his father.
And you're right. He won't talk to me about it. Given his age and that I'm his stepson it's an awkward conversation to have.
The grandparents were very involved with the condition prior to the hospital visit. But as far as they know, he's fine now.
If I tell them what's going on, hubby will feel like I went behind his back. It's such a touchy situation.
Husband just wants it to go away.
If I can't change it, I need to practice acceptance! But it is so hard given that it's not a pleasant condition to live with.

 

[InsaneCdn]

You don't say how old your own kids are. If the youngest is toddler... there may be health concerns having this behavior go on in your home. At which point... it IS your concern.

 

[Betty B]

Is anyone able to talk with son about his condition, or is he in denial like his dad? I'm assuming son wouldn't be comfortable talking to you about it, but no one else seems to think this is a big deal. (maybe some of the relatives are worried?) Are there any problems with this at school?

He soils himself in his pants all day. I can't imagine that kids don't smell it! But, to my knowledge, seems like he's hiding it well.

 

[Betty B]

You don't say how old your own kids are. If the youngest is toddler... there may be health concerns having this behavior go on in your home. At which point... it IS your concern.

My kids range in ages 3-12. I scour the floors and bathtub every freaking day! I have brought up to husband that this isn't sanitary for anyone. We're truly all affected by this. It's a family preoccupation.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Someone said, "If nothing changes, then nothing changes". This scenario has obviously gone on before, and seems to be headed for the same cycle.
What can YOU change?

It probably depends on what you are prepared to put on the line. For ME (I'm different, they tell me), I would walk out, with the other kids, until hubby was actively dealing with it AND had supports and a plan in place. I would NOT be scouring bathrooms and floors daily - you don't have TIME to do that AND be doing all the other important stuff AND be a proper parent to three other kids. Just my opinion, though.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Given that the problems cleared up after the hospital stay, the boy's father is remiss in not having the boy assessed now that the problem has reappeared.

Did I read correctly that after the boy was hospitalized and treated the problem resolved, or did I misinterpret that?

Cedar

Think how we would feel if this were happening to one of us.