Stepdaughter draining us!

[Becca Lawson]

Have you said this to your husband? What is his response? What is he afraid will happen if he stops the flow of money? H and I have 5 children between us. Happy blended families need to be based on fairness and equality (you know this anyway). Your husband may be worried that he will lose his daughter's love if he stops the flow of money, but what about his other children and their perception of unfairness? Is his attitude based on the past maybe, does he feel that he abandoned her when he left her mother, are his actions based on guilt?



He has to reach this understanding himself. You have to prioritise yourself and your youngest child. If I was in this position, especially if my step-daughter was living in the house with us, then I would consider leaving until the situation was made more healthy and I would tell my husband that I was considering this. He needs to understand that, although he is worried about losing one daughter, continuing in his current path could end up with him losing his youngest child as well as his wife.

I read a few good books about step-parenting. One I would recommend is "The courage to be a step-mom. - How to find your place without losing yourself". It focusses on your needs and your rights and finding the strength to not be sucked into unhealthy relationships between spouses and their children.

I will have to pick that book up for sure. In the past 5 years I have not been able to do anything right! It's been one of the most frustrating situations ever. I have felt like they are married and I'm intruding. No matter what I have said or how nice I have been SD turns it around and complains about me constantly to the point where I tried to talk very little when she came around so I wouldn't say the wrong thing. I do go to counselor just to deal with her. My counselor has told me to stop trying to have any type of relationship. Stop all communication all together and never even respond. It's not how I envisioned my life. But being cussed by both husband and SD every time she's around isn't either.

 

[nlj]

It sounds as though you have tolerated a lot of negativity for a long time and you have tried to remedy this situation. It's very difficult if it is your husband's money that he is giving her. If it is joint family income do you have the power to veto this?

We've been to counseling. He refused to go back because the counselor told him things he didn't want to hear

Is there a family member who would speak to your husband and try and get him to understand the danger and inappropriateness of his behaviour? Someone 'on your side' who will tell him again those things that he doesn't want to hear?

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. It sounds as though you want to save your marriage if possible. He needs some straight talking from you and a jolt to change his priorities and make him see that there are other things in his life that he is putting at risk. I am glad that you are continuing to go to counselling and have some support. Maybe you should stop being 'nice' and be a bit more assertive and even aggressive. Men don't get it unless we find a bit of ooomphh and tell it like it is and stop tolerating things for the sake of a quiet life (which you haven't got anyway).

 

[Becca Lawson]

I have really been patient. My husband was single for 10 years before meeting me. My boys adjusted great. She didn't. I thought she would "grow" up and adjust. I've tried to make her feel special and nothing I have ever done has been enough. When we had a surprise baby, we made decision I would stay home with him due to daycare cost. My husband maintains control of finances. I have been upset since Thursday and did tell him Monday I didn't care if I stayed in this marriage. All of his family walks on eggshells as well when it comes to his daughter. I do not have access to see what he's been paying out. Last summer he tried to get a $30,000 loan behind my back for her. I wouldn't have known about it but paperwork came in the mail and I opened it by accident because our name starts with same letter and I just glanced. I feel he hides things financially to support his daughters drug habits and bad behavior even at the expense of his own son having a family.

 

[toughlovin]

I am not a step parent but my husband sounds a lot like yours. I was always the rule maker in the house and sometimes I would get really mad when the kids were little and we would make a rule and my husband would forget and let it slide!! The kids caught on fast and knew they could manipulate him easily. One of the biggest issues in our marriage when the kids were young.

So as far as my son goes, I have always been the leader in what we do and dont do..... but I will say that my husband eventually also got to the same place and has in recent years been willing to back me and to set his foot down.

So I think as a step mom you have a harder job because you cant really lead the way because she is not your daughter.

I also think this is a process.... first step is getting out of denial and then figuring out how to stop enabling. It doesnt happen overnight for any of us. I suspect it is a lot easier to see as a step parent because you are able to be more objective.... it is hard being objective about someone using drugs when they are your kid.

So definitely set boundaries to protect your 2 year old, yourself and your boys. Be very clear about them.

I also suggest you find a good alanon meeting for parents and get support for yourself and try to encourage your husband to go. He might not be ready yet but dont give up if he is not....it is a process. His daughter is in trouble and if you and the rest of the kids are doing well, it is hard to prioritize people doing well over someone who is in pain or in trouble.

How is his ex-wfie in all this? Is she in denial also or is she more aware?

TL


Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[Becca Lawson]

I am not a step parent but my husband sounds a lot like yours. I was always the rule maker in the house and sometimes I would get really mad when the kids were little and we would make a rule and my husband would forget and let it slide!! The kids caught on fast and knew they could manipulate him easily. One of the biggest issues in our marriage when the kids were young.

So as far as my son goes, I have always been the leader in what we do and dont do..... but I will say that my husband eventually also got to the same place and has in recent years been willing to back me and to set his foot down.

So I think as a step mom you have a harder job because you cant really lead the way because she is not your daughter.

I also think this is a process.... first step is getting out of denial and then figuring out how to stop enabling. It doesnt happen overnight for any of us. I suspect it is a lot easier to see as a step parent because you are able to be more objective.... it is hard being objective about someone using drugs when they are your kid.

So definitely set boundaries to protect your 2 year old, yourself and your boys. Be very clear about them.

I also suggest you find a good alanon meeting for parents and get support for yourself and try to encourage your husband to go. He might not be ready yet but dont give up if he is not....it is a process. His daughter is in trouble and if you and the rest of the kids are doing well, it is hard to prioritize people doing well over someone who is in pain or in trouble.

How is his ex-wfie in all this? Is she in denial also or is she more aware?

TL


Sent using ConductDisorders mobile app

 

[Becca Lawson]

As far as the ex wife goes, she is in denial as well. My SD told us last summer that her mother abuses pain pills and her mother's sister confirmed her statement is true. So there will be no help there. Also, her mother has encouraged her disrespectful behavior to me. Her mother actually even called me when I was pregnant and said she was demanding my husband take a paternity test. My husband had been divorced for 10 years when I met him. His ex wife has had boundary issues with us and my husband tries. She just seems to be a bit out there. Her mother took my SD to see a psychiatrist and she was put on Prozac and Wellbutrin after her freshmen year of college. We have been trying to figure out why but SD just says anxiety issues. My SD also started smoking. She said it's for anxiety. She also was prescribed a strong sleeping pill, trazadone. (May have spelled it incorrectly.). We seem to have no say. Just get the bills. My husband swears he doesn't know why she was on all these medications. He wasn't happy about it. After last hospital stay, nuerologist took her off all medications cold turkey.

 

[pasajes4]

I think you have been given a lot of good advice. I will just add some gentle (((hugs))))

 

[Becca Lawson]

It's comforting to know others have gone through similar things. I don't think there is an easy solution when it comes to this situation. I've been really trying to be patient and have felt extremely guilty since Thursday for being fed up. Feel like I started tough love with my husband. It isn't easy, but I feel like it's only way to get him to face reality. I so appreciate everyone's advice and input. It helps to get me through this!

 

[Childofmine]

Can you print out some of the stories from this site and ask them to read them? Then sit down and try to have a productive talk?

It is very hard to penetrate someone else's denial. Go slow with him. I know you are very tired and angry and I would be too.

Hang in there. This is very tough stuff you are trying to navigate.

And again, her addiction will progress. One day, regardless of what you do or don't do, he will have to face it. It is inevitable.

 

[nlj]

Hi Becca
How are things?
Did you manage to get that book "The Courage To Be A Stepmom" and have a read of all the great advice in it?
I hope you're feeling better about the situation, or have had a better couple of weeks at least.