Still wont even attempt to solve his own problems

[Jabberwockey]

Our son FB messaged Lil on the last day of our vacation at like 4 in the morning. We were in an area with no signal for our carrier (kind of on purpose!) so she didn't actually get the message until we stopped at a gas station that had wi-fi. The only reason she even logged in there was for directions as we were relying on GPS and Google Maps to see a few sights on our way home. It was the usual "she's about to break up with me, they're about to kick me out, they're all stupid, one is a thief (yeah, figure that one out), what am I going to do?!?!?!" freak out. She chose not to respond but it set the tone for the next several hours of driving. She responded with something like "I'm sorry this is happening" yada yada yada and he responded back apologizing for freaking out. This was Sunday.

Last night he starts in again with the same bs...they wont take him into town to sign up for food stamps, there's no food in the house, they only eat some fast food like every other day, along with the previously mentioned freak out items. The one he kept harping on was the need for a ride either into town to get signed up for food stamps or to the town he went to college in, presumably to hook up with his buddy who had come up here briefly. This went on for 20 minutes or so until Lil finally mentioned that I have a sister living in the town he is trying to get to, maybe she would give him a ride since we cant because he moved an hour and a half away. A thank you and that ends the conversation. All that time and effort just to get his mom to tell him what to do?

This is more of a rant that anything because I just don't get it. How can someone spend several years of their life willfully ignoring our advice and actively trying to ignore us when we tell him something, only to apparently want us, his mom anyway, to tell him what to do? Seriously, it was like a switch was thrown as soon as she offered a solution. Thanks Mom! Rant over! Sorry, just tired and frustrated. Haven't slept well for the last few days.

 

[Tanya M]

I've said it before, I swear our DCs have a secret handbook!!

My son used to do the same thing, reject any advice I would give him but when he was in a "desperate" state then suddenly I had all the answers.
I'm glad that my son finally gave up on expecting me to solve his "crisis" issues.

I hope that day will come for you and Lil very soon.

 

[Lil]

Yes, that was such a pleasant end to our vacation...and on my birthday no less. The first ones were "she's going to break up with me and I'm afraid of what I might do". Those I ignored (as much as I'm capable of ignoring a desperate plea for help and veiled threats of self harm). The next was "I've calmed down and if she breaks up with me I guess I'll try to get to (college town)." That one I responded to with, basically, "I hope it all works out. I love you."

Then nothing for a day followed by, "no one is getting fed, there's no food, no one will take me to get food stamps so we can eat". Apparently, the only person with a vehicle is the woman who may or may not still live there and the three other people (girlfriend's mom, brother and grandma) all give her their SSI checks. I have no idea why...nor do I care. I asked why the girlfriend couldn't pay for a cab. She quit her job too. So she and he have no income.

I finally told him I didn't know what to say. I couldn't help him from an hour+ away and I told him if he moved there he'd have to deal with things himself. I told him his aunt, last I knew, lived there and he might try FB messaging her or her husband and asking them if they'll give him a ride to the food stamp office. I didn't know if they'd help, but that was my only idea. His response was a simple, "I'll try that, thank you, I love you."

At least I don't have him calling, since apparently everyone in the house is out of phone time. According to him, there's $2100 in income, but they don't pay the bills or buy food and this one woman handles all their money.

Gosh...guess he should have tried harder to keep his job, huh?

It's just SO tiring. He's spent $500 in less than a month, said he bought some food and paid some bills. I know he bought video games, because he's mentioned them on FB. God forbid he'd have used part of it to buy a bike or something to be able to get around...but he'd never want to bike the distance it is to town...because that's work.

I'm just trying to ignore him as much as possible.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I'm just trying to ignore him as much as possible.

I know Honey. I didn't sleep well again last night so I'm tired and you know I tend to stew more when I'm tired. Sorry.

 

[Lil]

I'm tired and you know I tend to stew more when I'm tired. Sorry.

I know honey and I'm sorry I let him get to me Sunday. It just was like I looked at my phone and there went the vacation. After four days of peace and calm and NO issues...that was the first thing I see. Try to stew over something we can actually influence, like our dog or our bills.

Folks, I truly wanted to just RUN AWAY and never come home after that! Having no cell or internet was the BEST thing EVER! How awful is that, wanting to just be unable to be reached so my own child can't communicate with me at all? I kept telling Jabber at every little town, "We could live here!"

 

[Tanya M]

You're doing great Lil.

Other than his phone call I do hope you had a good birthday.

 

[Lil]

Thank you! We pretty much ignored the fact it was my birthday, other than Jabber asking me what I wanted to do - to which I said, "Drive home". lol And my buying myself a pair of earrings at my friend's shop in Hot Springs. And, except for that, it was a good day.

Darn boy even knew it was my birthday! He was the first person to wish me happy birthday (or "name day" as he calls it - from Game of Thrones) on FB.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Oh boy does that all sound familiar. When I get those types of calls from Oldest, I sometimes just give a standard, "that s**ks" reply. It's especially easy to do that via text

I used to attempt advice, now I avoid it. It finally occurred to me that she rarely outright *asks* me for advice, she just wants to whine (or attempt to manipulate me into helping her, without her asking) -- so I've done my best to adopt a policy of not offering advice or help if I'm not specifically asked. I mean, if she's not asking, why should I bother?

If she says, "what should I do?" I might try to give suggestions -- but since those are frequently met with replies of "I can't because [insert excuse]" it's sometimes a wasted effort. Sometimes I just say, "I don't know, what do you think you should do?" If she says, "will you do {insert request for assistance} for me?" it can be a bit tougher -- I hate being caught off guard and that's when I'm most likely to give in. I find it's better to simply say, "let me think about it." Unless of course I'm 100% certain it's a "no," then I just say, "sorry I can't."

Happy Birthday, by the way Hope you had a wonderful vacation!

 

[AppleCori]

Welcome back, Lil & Jabber!

How was your vacation?

 

[Childofmine]

I'm glad you had a few days of peace and quiet and no phone! I so understand not wanting to hear from my Difficult Child...I felt that way for literally years. Every time his name flashed up on my phone i would feel sick inside. I am also glad he isn't in your town---that does help.

I am sorry he is still stuck. @Jabberwockey dont try to figure out why...there is no figuring this out.

He will do what he does until he decides to stop and go in a new positive direction.

Until then I hope you two can focus on...you two.

Warm hugs and happy birthday!!!!!!

 

[Jabberwockey]

I am sorry he is still stuck. @Jabberwockey dont try to figure out why...there is no figuring this out.

I know this but being tired causes me to dwell on things I would normally brush off. It will be fine.

 

[AppleCori]

In our area, at least, you can apply for food stamps on-line or by phone I am sure.

 

[Jabberwockey]

I don't think they are allowed to do that here but he has no phone time left and is limited to the slow internet speeds on his phone.

 

[Lil]

Actually, I think you can on-line...but when he gave me power of attorney to report the missing card I tried but they sent the PIN to his email address. I gave up and actually don't remember the password. I suppose I could tell him to check that email address, but he had told me he didn't remember his password. I just don't even know. It annoys me that he hasn't considered it.

You can't do it on the phone, I'm sure.

Think I should tell him to try?

 

[Lil]

Never mind. I just remembered that they mailed the PIN to his old HOME address, not email. And since he didn't live there, useless.

 

[SeekingStrength]

I know honey and I'm sorry I let him get to me Sunday. It just was like I looked at my phone and there went the vacation. After four days of peace and calm and NO issues...that was the first thing I see. Try to stew over something we can actually influence, like our dog or our bills.

Ah yes. husband and I have so much resolve; we have made remarkable progress (if I say so myself).

But, when those texts or calls come out of nowhere, it almost always reduces our stamina, our strength, our resolve. We go wobbly or we freak - usually somewhere between those two places.

And, we rely on this forum to give us a hand (usually, many hands) to climb back out of that. I understand completely.

I hope you had a wonderful vacation.

That HALT thing....hunger, anger, lonely or tired. When I am tired, it all seems more difficult.

Time to start planning your next get-away. No kidding.


SS

 

[SeekingStrength]

Happy Birthday, Lil!!!

 

[Lil]

Happy Birthday, Lil!!!

Thanks!

And our next get-away is already planned and paid for...Xmas in Vegas. Our plane leaves at 9 a.m. Xmas morning and we'll be in Vegas by 10! Thank you time zones.

Actually, I was perusing VRBO again tonight, looking for places with no wifi...and Italy. lol

And then I popped on FB and got another message. He wanted to know what he could do about this woman who the people are giving their SSI to and she's supposed to pay the bills and buy food...but doesn't. He again said they get one meal a day if they're lucky, etc. Asked if he could report her. I told him if she's the payee, yes...if not, then they're idiots and need to stop giving her the money. Apparently they're just idiots.

So then he said the girlfriend and he are planning to leave and backpack across the USA. Uh huh. I told him to do it before the weather gets bad and get a rope so he can make a tent out of his tarp...and to check in now and then.

 

[Jabberwockey]

if not, then they're idiots and need to stop giving her the money. Apparently they're just idiots.

I have to doubt that we are receiving anywhere near the full story here. Our son does have a tendency to over dramatize a situation, especially when it allows him to play the innocent victim role.

 

[BusynMember]

My oldest needs help figuring things out top, especially when under stress. Sometimes he takes my advice. Setimes he doesnt. I don't mind giving input as long as he's nice about it. Sometimes I wonder what he'll do when I'm gone though..