Stolen from again.

[Scent of Cedar *]

Our middle difficult child has beenin the hospital since the 21st with severe dehydration and a "virus" that I would
contribute to acute alcoholism. Prayers are sent from everyone but he
supposedly started dialysis today. Things are not improving.

I remember the horrific viciousness of rage and guilt and pain compounded by an overwhelming sense of loss and a like, I don't know ~ like a fish out of water feeling, when my difficult child was in and out of Intensive Care (they found her passed out in a snowbank one time), and when she came down with such messed up bloodworks that organ failure was suspected.

It was like time slowed down.

Everything went silent, and there was only pain.

You know those movies where there is a slow drip of water? It felt just like that.

Out of control, time passing, nothing, nothing at all, that I could do.

I am glad you posted to us. Alone with it is worse.

We are right here.

I have two difficult children, too.

If this life with the difficult children truly tearing at your marriage this badly - then your children have so far, successfully been able to divide and conquer.

If the difficult child child can triangulate the family's unity (that is what this kind of behavior is called), then the attention will be on the difficult child, the mother's (in most cases) sympathy, empathy, guilt, pain, sadness and focus will be on the difficult child...and the money will flow.

That' why they do it; that's what they want: the money to flow.

Our difficult children most often use "family values" to justify our continued support.

So the money will flow.

I don't think it is that they don't love us. I think the drugs that are out there on the streets these days are so powerful that it changes the chemical structure of the brain to the point that the user can no longer feel empathy.

Thus, no conscience.

They will do anything, say anything, justify behaviors they know darn well are wrong...so the money will flow.

Stop the flow of money.

If you do nothing else, stop the money flow.

I will talk to my husband and suggest counseling for us. I think it would do us a lot of good. We have two older difficult child that we didn't have much luck with either. One just turned 30 and the other is 28.

Al Anon might be better. There is nothing so healing as hearing the stories of other parents, of decent parents, whose children are acting out the same way.

You did not do this to your children.

I have such a hard time trying to figure out what happened

I know drugs and alcohol play a huge part with the older ones

There is research out now that indicates there is a genetic component to these things. It was not the way you parented. It was not what happened to little Johnny in third grade. It may well turn out that our difficult child children are acting out the genetic heritage they were born into.

When you think about relatives two or three generations back, are there strange things happening?

Lots of creativity?

Alcoholism anywhere in the family line?

That is why this happened. Especially in that you have more than one child who can't seem to use without losing his or her life, I would say you will find the same kinds of behaviors in past generations.

It was not you, it was not husband, it was nothing you did.

Your children were born into a time when drugs and alcohol are readily available. Their genetic heritages predisposed them to addiction and alcoholism. It is not that the neighbors' kids did not try these things.

It is that the neighbors kids did not carry the genetic heritage that meant trying anything, even just once, would doom them to addiction or alcoholism.

I will try to let go of my difficult child and not let the guilt suffocate me. I have been in the cycle of blaming myself for what he is doing. What is it that I did wrong? It is so hard to change that thinking. He has already been to jail and of course we bailed him out. I have been to both court appearances he has had so far. I don't think I can do it anymore.

That is true.

You cannot do this anymore.

It isn't working, anyway.

We can help with this part, Lost. We have been where you are. We know how this feels...and we have come back from that dark place.

You are here with us, now.

You are not alone with it anymore, and that will make all the difference for you, for your husband (who is so welcome to join us, too), and for your marriage.

Just think. If you two have managed to stay on speaking terms through one difficult child, let alone two of them?

It must be love.

:O)

I wish the best for all of you and I hope that someday my difficult child will learn a lesson that helps him to change for the better.

What we are learning here Lost is how to survive even if our children continue to self destruct. It isn't about turning away so much as it is about standing tall, about choosing love, about learning the right things to say and learning how to cherish ourselves and our mates and even our wayward kids through what is one of the most horrible things that can happen to a family.

My story is an ugly one, but it is my story. Those are my children, and whatever has happened, I love them in that silly, goofy way moms always do love their kids, no matter how grown up they are.

But I had to learn to survive their addictions, their illnesses, the pain of loving them.

And this site was a good, good place to do that, to learn those things I needed to know.

I am so glad you came back, and posted to us again.

Holding a good thought for you and husband, Lost.

Cedar

 

[Childofmine]

He will be 21 in five days. He is living with a group of friends that are known for trouble. He needs serious help but doesn't admit that he does. I am at a loss. He says he will be leaving in a week and I won't ever see him again.

I understand this is your third child who is a difficult child. I can only imagine how tired you are. Please know that it is very unlikely that you will never see him again. My difficult child said that time and again, he threatened suicide time and again, one time he did, sent a text photo with his bleeding wrist (very superficial) to his girlfriend, and i called the police and we talked him out of his dad's garage...on and on and on. Today he is 25 and working two jobs. I firmly believe although he has depression and anxiety that he never intended in any way to kill himself, only to get attention and in a strange, twisted way, a cry for help, but only the kind of help he wanted then, which was for us to take care of him and let him do whatever he wanted.

Our difficult children need so much help for so long, and everybody around them can see it but them. That is the disease of addiction. The disease itself tells them they are handling it all and don't need help. It is infuriating and soul-crushing to watch for us. And we have to learn that we can't do one single solitary thing to hurry up the change that needs to happen.

At 21 your son is an adult. He is responsible for his choices, regardless of how poor they may be. You cannot control any part of his life.

Yes this is so very true. I remember when I first heard this truth and my mind and heart said, but, but, but, and yes that is true too, they are so very immature despite their chronological age which society says is adult. There is no redemption here in parsing this. Society, the one we live in and function in, says age 18 is an adult for almost everything and certainly 21 brings with it complete rights and responsibilities. Yes, our difficult children have their maturity stunted by mental illness but that doesn't matter. They still have to live by the rules of society because we know that all of the mother love in the world won't convince the police to let them go and not send them to jail when they break those rules. Ultimately we have to accept it. And it is the hardest dose of medicine we will ever take.

My son has been homeless 5 times in the coldest parts of the year sleeping on benches wrapped up in wet blankets and outside a McDonald's in a city four hours from here twice for days and weeks on end, and just down the road 2 miles from me for months. I have had to learn and I am a slowwwww learner, believe me, that i have to let this play out. I have tried everything else and I have argued with myself in the dark of the night back and forth and up and down, well this time MIGHT be different, and that was just one more excuse to make myself feel better and able to tolerate the despair a mother feels living in a 3000 square foot house alone, the house her difficult child grew up in, while just one mile away he sleeps outside on a bench in the rain and cold wrapped in a wet blanket. I know this pain and so many of us on this site do, and so do you. We are united in it, each one of us.

That is where we speak from, when we talk to each other. We speak from this deep and sad knowing, listening to others who are following behind us, so sad knowing what addiction is and what it does to everybody involved.

And little by little, if we are lucky, we turn and we begin to focus on ourselves, and to LET OUR CHILDREN GO. We begin to be grateful for what we do have and we start to learn to focus on that, and to somehow, someway begin to accept the reality of our difficult children.

I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

There is, and that light may have nothing to do with whether difficult child gets straight or not. The light is in ourselves and in the growth we can experience, and the peace, joy and serenity we can experience every single day, regardless of what our difficult children are doing or not doing.

But when a person is addicted to drugs they will do anything to get them, even steal from their own family.

It's the addiction. It's not them. It's the addiction.

My difficult child has been in out of jail numerous times. He used to call us (collect of course) and beg us to put money on his account because he was starving saying they didn't feed him enough and he needed the extra money so he could buy extra food from the commissary. The first few times he was in jail I agreed and put money on his account, however, over time I grew to resent this. He kept getting into trouble and going back to jail. I put my foot down and said no more money,

Yes, me too. been there done that. I did it all, put money on the accounts, sent books, visited, paid for phone calls. I couldn't stand not to. Until little by little, I could stand not to. And I stopped.

I have such a hard time trying to figure out what happened. I know drugs and alcohol play a huge part with the older ones.

What happened is the mental illness, the primary diagnosis of addiction. It has not one single thing to do with you and anything you did or didn't do. Learn enough about this disease to own that truth and claim that truth. I have been a very, very good mother to both my sons. A vigilant, involved, dinner-on-the-table-every-night, church-every-Sunday, whose-house-are-you-going-to-I-am-calling-them mother. I love my sons and they experienced my love and my vigilance (perhaps over-vigilance, lol) every single day of their lives. This has nothing to do with that. I firmly believe that.

I have been in the cycle of blaming myself for what he is doing. What is it that I did wrong? It is so hard to change that thinking.

Nothing. See above. You did the best you could every day. And that is all anybody can ever do.

Boundaries are what needs to happen.

Please read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend and CoDependent No More by Melodie Beattie for starters. Go to Al-Anon. Get therapy and counseling. Start spending 30 minutes every single day on study, prayer, journaling and meditation. Put as much energy and time into YOU as you have your precious difficult children. It will pay tremendous dividends and you will begin to start seeing that light at the end of the tunnel that is YOU growing and changing and learning how to accept reality.

Fighting reality doesn't work. Accepting reality---the hardest thing to do in life---does work.

Warm Hugs. I felt compelled to write all of this, this morning. It helps me as well as I hope it helps you.

 

[Tanya M]

L&B, there is so much wonderful advice that has been given here. I echo all of what has been posted. First and foremost, take care of yourself. I know how hard it is to work through all of this. I've been dealing with my difficult child for 20 years. I won't lie, the hurt never really goes away and that is because we love our children, however, I as many others here have gotten to a better place in our lives where we actually are happy and don't allow the drama of our difficult child's to rule our emotions.
I'm glad you are here.
Sending prayers for you, your husband and your difficult child that is in the hospital.

 

[recoveringenabler]

It sounds as if by closing your business and closing down FB and possibly changing your phone numbers, you are making pretty big steps to detach from your difficult child's. This is a big transition for you and husband. I believe it is often the only way we regain our sanity and our lives. You've moved through this pretty quickly, so it sounds as if you were SO READY to let go of what you can't control and move ahead in your lives. Good for you.

I hope you have also put yourself in supportive environments, these changes are tough. Even though the decision to detach from our difficult child's is a positive healthy one, it is a hard one as well. Make sure you are taking care of yourself, being kind to yourself and nourishing yourself and your relationship with your husband.

I'm sorry about your son in the hospital. Stay the course, keep posting, keep yourself well supported..........wishing you and your husband peace and comfort in the days and weeks and months to come............