Hello, I am here because i have concerns about my almost 4 year old, I have been trying to find information online about different behaviour disorders as i feel she may have one of them although her symptoms dont fit any particular one .i have always felt that she was different, even as a baby she would notice tiny changes in routine, from the age of 3 months she would not sleep in a different place .She has always had terrible trouble with sleeping and is very sensitive to light and noise.She is completely opposed to doing what we want/ask her to do, as a toddler this was normal, ( i am a trained preschool teacher so i know what to expect) but as she has gotten older it has become more noticeable that she is completely unable /unwilling to do what she is told , ever.I tried sending her to daycare and had to pull her put because she would not do anything the teachers wanted her to do and they would have her screaming at the table while she was supposed to be eating with the other children, i though she just wasn't ready for structure and routines so i took her out,at 3 i enrolled her in kindergarten for 4 hours 3 days a week ( we live in new zealand) and she was doing well at first or so i thought, then the teachers started telling me they had concerns about her behaviour , that she was very anxious, defiant etc, as well as unwilling to even try and play with other children, she has been at the kindergarten for almost a year and has not made one single friend, has zero interest in other children at all, will snatch/push other children when she wants something they have and show absolutely no remorse or empathy.She can not handle other children touching her accidentally or brushing against her and will scream at them if this happens. yet she has fantastic social skills when it comes to interacting with our adult friends( everyone loves her she's so charming) and children who are a lot older than her ( i suspect because they put her on a pedestal and give her what she wants because she's little) she shows unwarranted hostility towards children her own age often , she has a 9 year old friend who she loves and plays very well with.The thing that i am MOST concerned about is the angry meltdowns she has when she doesn't get what she wants, lately ( for the past year) has has been making completely unreasonable demands and screaming at us to comply with them for example she would demand ice cream for dinner , we would say no , calmly explain why and offer an alternative such as if you eat your dinner you can have some later, she will LOSE the plot and throw herself around the floor hitting herself against furniture , if i put her in her bedroom she will destroy it, tip over furniture ,throw chairs, break toys and make it it look we have been burgled , while she is doing this she will be shaking with rage and has wet her pants before because she is so angry and upset, completely out of control emotions.Once she has calmed down, we cuddle her because its heartbreaking to watch her so out of control ( but we still dont give in to the original demand) we will try and talk to her about what happened and why she thinks she got so angry, she will blame us and say we were mean because we wouldn't give her ( in this case) ice cream, she used to show remorse for wrecking her bedroom but lately she doesn't seem to care, we removed a lot of her toys as a consequence and she doesn't seem to care .This has been happening 2-3 times a week lately and i can't go anywhere with her and her baby brother on my own in case she has one of these in a shop and i can't get her and her brother back to the car safely ( people are so good at staring without offering help) ,for the last month every family outing has been ruined by one of her meltdowns and they are getting worse and more frequent, its only a matter of time before she starts breaking windows and she has already broken a mirror.She is quite manipulative and demands all her daddys attention , to the point where we have trouble even having a conversation with her around .She has had a pretty stable life with two loving parents and we have lots of extended family here who all adore her .There is a VERY strong family history on both sides of mental illness , skitzophrenia, bipolar disorder, ADHD , Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) .my dad I'm pretty sure is a psychopath ( we have no contact) , her great grandfather on her dads side is potentially one too, both myself and her father are ( relatively ) mentally healthy with no significant problems as are a lot of other people in our families .Here is a list of concerning behaviours- shows no interest in making friends with children her own age , lack of empathy when she hurts people , manipulative, very clever, completely defiant almost always,has severe night terrors ( we once had to call an Ambulance as she was throwing herself against walls and we could not restrain her without feeling like we were hurting her) , hysterical meltdowns often when things are not right e.g. something is dirty or broken or she hasn't gotten what she wants ,hurts others and self during tantrums, will bang head against floor etc,nightmares, very poor sleep, anxiety, very demanding and controlling,oversensitive to touch when upset/anxious and for a couple of hours after a tantrum,lack of remorse, blames others for behaviour, takes pleasure in deliberately annoying people,extremely good memory, remembers things in great detail from more than two years ago,notices fine details, very sensitive, on the other hand she is also , very loving towards her baby brother, has never hurt him,shows genuine affection towards us and her extended family,shows genuine concern for people if they are sick etc.does not hurt animals but does not like them at all .Her kindergarten has referred us to early intervention services who have observed her and suggested boundaries for behaviour , rewards consequences etc, this is for while she is at kindergarten .I dont believe these things will help, this is beyond normal four year old defiance .I realise she is very young and some may say I'm expecting too much from her but i just feel deep down that something isn't right and always have and i want to get her the help she needs before its too late.I am really worried about how she will cope at school in a years time when she is due to start .