Suffering at the hands of an adult daughter

[Tyrrell]

Hello, I'm new here but not new to everyone's suffering at the hands of an adult daughter. My story is basically the same as others'. Eldest daughter of two, married; she has 3 kids 15, 13, 11. I was close to all of them even though they are 600 miles away. Long story short: she used me and I told her I wasn't going to clean her house and do her laundry whenever I visited (her invite). I was no longer going to give her $ ($35k) + my jewelry to sell. About the same time, I realized she was addicted to ---codone and had shopped docs in 2 states (Miss. & Tn.) to get various other drugs that she thought she needed. Some did not mix well. She got delusional paracytosis, totaled her SUV with the kids in it, had another wreck, fell asleep at the wheel with the kids in the car ( separate from the other incidents), had the pediatrician call her husband to drive her and a granddaughter home from his office because she was too drugged to drive, etc. The last time I saw her, I told her she needed help to get clean. And that if I found out that she EVER drove impaired with the kids in the car again, that I'd go to the police and try to either have her license pulled or the kids temp. removed. Her hubby was oblivious when I told him my theories. I also went to her doctors' offices and pharmacists and told them what was going on and then, because I could not speak to him, wrote her then current psychiatrist a letter documenting her abuse, wrecks, Rx incompatibilities, etc. I told every doctor that had prescribed her opiates that if they ever did that again with-o good reason (like surgery) I'd turn them into the state licensure board. I feel like I may have saved a life or two but have not seen her or heard from her in the 4 years since. That's the price I'm paying for "busting" her. She's since made me her scape goat to the rest of the family - I abused her, etc. (NO WAY) and that's why she won't talk to me, let me see the g'kids, etc.

I alternate between tears and anger. Nobody else in the family will confront her about the drugs or me for fear of "losing" the grandkids like I have and because of her temper.

Her mother in law will not let me speak to her when she is there and answers the phone. I am completely stonewalled by the entire family and have great relationships with all of them as long as I don't mention HER. My -ex won't get involved.

So, while I know why she won't speak time, I also know that I did the right thing. I hear that she's been in a recovery unit twice. Good. Now she needs to learn to own her actions and take responsibility for her them, not blame me. That may never happen. I plan on telling the grandchildren "my side" if the story when they are adults, either in person or via letter with my will - with copies of all of the Rx's I photographed and her emails - for documentation, along with how very much I've missed them and love them - and their Mom.

 

[BusynMember]

Mods, can you help this lady out and give her a post of her own? This is the end of a long, old post
Welcome to our board. We're here for you.

 

[Copabanana]

Welcome to the board.

Your story is a sad one. For you, your daughter and your grandchildren.

After 4 years without contact, what is it you are looking for?

It is not clear from your post. Understanding, reconciliation, a way to let go of the suffering?

If the result you seek is in your daughter, you will continue to have no control. What are you seeking for yourself?

 

[Tyrrell]

Hi Copa, I was seeking to vent and be part of a community when I posted. What do I want? I want my family back - happy and loving like we were 4 years ago. What do I want from her? I want her to want her Mom back in her life without my having to clean her (filthy disordered) house, cook every meal and shop for the groceries (while she reads Facebook and lunches with her friends), do laundry, or give her money in order for her to want my company. I think I enabled her addictions, spending, and laziness. I'm out of money and tired of being used so that I can have her "love." It would be nice if she would grow up.

 

[BusynMember]

How old is she? Was she always a problem?

I think she is probably very angry at you for controlling her life even though it helped her in the end. We take these chances, even when we mean so well, when we take matters into our own hands. The other person, depending on personality, can feel a lot of hostility that she was controlled even though you meant well.

What options do you feel you have?

Are you in therapy for support and learning to make sense of the situation and to learn coping skills? This sounds heartbreaking but you can't force your daughter to see you if she doesn't want to. You can still learn to live a happy life...it sounds as if she was trying to get you to pay for her love. There are people like that, even sometimes our beloved children. We can't change them, only ourselves...

Hugs.

 

[Childofmine]

Terrell, welcome to the PE forum. You sound like you really have a good head on your shoulders and have taken a stand regarding your daughter's addiction.

And you are paying the consequences for that.

Drug addicts are expert at manipulating all those around them. It is only when somebody breaks away from the "enabling" pack that there starts a domino effect that may end in the person's decision to change. Nobody stops enabling, there is no chance to change.

So you are the Lone Ranger. That is a tough place to be. With my son, I stopped the enabling before his dad did, and I had to stand and watch his dad enable and be the bad guy too.

But once we know better, we can't go back to the same behaviors---enabling---which is a crippling love, not a healthy, supportive love, I believe.

We are giving them and us a true gift when we learn this new way of thinking and behaving.

I know it is very hard to maintain and there is a lot of loss and sadness.

The fact that your daughter has been to rehab is a great sign, even if she does not get clean the first or second or third time she goes.

I believe the new and good information she heard there cannot help but make some kind of positive impact over time.

How do you spend your time? I hope you are being very kind to yourself and surrounding yourself with people who understand.

We are glad you are here. We get it. We understand. Welcome.

 

[Tanya M]

Welcome Tyrrell,

I'm sorry you have had to endure all of this with your daughter. You obviously recognized that you were enabling her and stopped. I also think contacting her Dr.s was a good thing even though the consequences for you was your daughter closing the door to you and keeping you from seeing your grandchildren. It was very brave of you to do this as many won't because they are too afraid.

I plan on telling the grandchildren "my side" if the story when they are adults, either in person or via letter with my will - with copies of all of the Rx's I photographed and her emails - for documentation, along with how very much I've missed them and love them - and their Mom.

I think this a good thing for you to do. Currently they are only being allowed to see her side.

What do I want? I want my family back - happy and loving like we were 4 years ago. What do I want from her? I want her to want her Mom back in her life

Perhaps you can write your daughter a letter explaining how you feel. Of course if you do this there is no guarantee that she will be receptive but at least you know you have made the effort.

Sometimes the relationships with our Difficult Child will never be healed in the way we would like. This is true for me as my son is 33 and wondering around the southwest states. I have had to come to accept his life choices. Doesn't mean I like it but with the acceptance it frees me from holding onto something that may never happen. I will always have hope that someday............... but until that "someday" I have to live my life.

I'm glad you found our little corner of the world. It's a great group of people.

One suggestion: Is your avatar picture of you? If so, you may want to change it as we try to maintain being anonymous, you never know.

((HUGS)) to you.........................

 

[Tyrrell]

Hello, To answer some questions from above: she is 40, became a difficult child in adolescence, was diagnosed as bipolar after my intervention with her. I have been in therapy for years to deal with my own baggage from childhood and my own mental health demons (depression and PTSD). My daughter's and my relationship troubles are being dealt with in therapy. But therapy can only do so much.

My sincere thanks to all and hugs, T.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi Tyrrell, just checking in to see how you are doing.

 

[Tyrrell]

Hi Tyrrell, just checking in to see how you are doing.

Hi, Many thanks. I have been very blue for several days. Problem daughter's 40th b-day was Friday. I sent her a kind text: "Forty years ago, after 9 months of nurturing my unseen and much loved baby, you took your first breath and I was filled with awe and the love that only a Mother knows. Happy Birthday, Mom"

No answer to my text.
I also sent her a book, as I usually do: "Don't Blame Mother."

My phone call to her: no answer; no answering machine.

As with the other parents here in this forum, my heart remains broken.

Thanks for asking and caring.

 

[Tanya M]

"Forty years ago, after 9 months of nurturing my unseen and much loved baby, you took your first breath and I was filled with awe and the love that only a Mother knows. Happy Birthday, Mom"

Tyrrell, what an absolutely beautiful and loving text. I am so sorry that she has not acknowledged it. I know that heartache, my son has also ignored Birthday messages I have sent him.

While we are detached from our DCs, birthday's can still bring about melancholy feelings. I will continue to send my son a birthday greeting regardless of him acknowledging me.

I'm glad you are here with us Tyrrell. Hang in there!!

((HUGS)) to you......................

 

[P126 Mum]

Tyrrell, I read your post with admiration of the heartbreak you felt and yet you still had the clarity of mind to take the actions you did.
You must remember that while you are out of the picture your daughter will still have her true colours on show which will be witnessed and it time understood by those around her now, including the children. I think Childofmine is a very wise lady and I would slowly ingest her advice ( me included) and let it take route. I'm new to this site actually only came across it a few days ago, not even been here a week! Yet whatever the problem the winning advice is to find a way to live your life as happily as possible knowing you did your best and give them the space to grow and make their decisions ( especially the bad ones) I've noticed all Mums who have said this appear to be on a path of healing, they still love their children and wish they could "fix" them but they are the ladies who appear to have more peace .

Wishing you well.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi and welcome, Tyrrell!

Glad that you have found us!

Are you allowed to speak to the grandkids by phone?

 

[Invisiblemother]

Hi, Many thanks. I have been very blue for several days. Problem daughter's 40th b-day was Friday. I sent her a kind text: "Forty years ago, after 9 months of nurturing my unseen and much loved baby, you took your first breath and I was filled with awe and the love that only a Mother knows. Happy Birthday, Mom"

No answer to my text.
I also sent her a book, as I usually do: "Don't Blame Mother."

My phone call to her: no answer; no answering machine.

As with the other parents here in this forum, my heart remains broken.

Thanks for asking and caring.

Been there and done that. 42 year old daughter here and very similar feelings of her abandoning me...no calls, texts, history of drug addiction, etc. i'm tired of being a doormat. I'm tired of being screamed out. I'm tired of being ignored. I just started al-Anon and there was a room full of people just like us. We only get the treatment we allow. It hurts like hell, but we have our own short lives to live.

 

[Southern California]

I am so glad I found this forum tonight. I was thinking I am the only mother of an adult child who ignores her & lashes out any chance she gets. Her birthday was December 18 & because health issues this winter I didn't send a card (which I usually do). I called on her birthday & wished her a Happy Birthday on her voice mail. She later sent me a wrath filled email saying she was done & not to contact her again. I really don't have a choice other than let her resolve her issues on her own. But it is very hard to do that.

 

[wisernow]

it is very very hard to detach from those we love to the moon and back. As part of my healing along with seeing a therapist I began to take meditation classes with guided meditations. In those I journeyed to a path where I became the little girl again. One who wanted love and safety and light all around her. I began to realize that I was allowing this little girl to be attacked by the difficult adult child, to be threatened and abused and leaving her powerless. That's when my soul finally kicked in....I had to protect her (me) and every time now when things start to look like they are going badly, I reach inside and hug that little girl and protect her with all of my heart. Since I have been doing this its like an aura has surrounded me where difficult son has backed off. All of us on this forum love our children so much...but we need to remember to love ourselves first. hugs to you all

 

[BusynMember]

Wisernow, I'm doing soul work too. It changed my outlook on life and even death. Never felt so positive and at peace with the universe and myself and my entire life journey, the good and not so good.

To the poster, you may want to start your own thread to get a bigger response. Just click on "New thread" I think it says here.

 

[Nomad]

I think generally speaking with our adult children, it is almost always best to set up boundaries and stick to them.

Yes, NO doing their chores or giving them money. A possible RARE exception would be if the adult child was very sick and the situation was temporary and the adult child was appropriate in the way they treated you during this temporary situation. That is a lot of exceptions and would definitely be extremely, big time, RARE.

We find that clear cut boundaries, detachment and moving forward with our lives in a healthy manner works very well toward progress and happiness.

Wishing you well.