Sweet Betsy-Question?
- Thread starter MrsMcNear50
- Start date
witzend
Well-Known Member
M came over last night to see Bubba one last time - and because he got stood up by a girl. I made sure that husband checked the oil in the car his roommates are letting him use (gawd I hope they're really letting him use it) and gave him $20 for gas. Then he sat and moaned for 5 hours about "poor Bubba..." When he left I walked him out to the car and told him "I want you to know that you don't owe your dad and I anything. (husband has been telling him that he owes me an apology for his behavior as a teen.) We're starting with a clean slate, and all you need to do right now is enjoy your life. If you don't know what to enjoy, find something to enjoy, but there's nothing you owe us that should be anything you worry about."
T
toughlovin
Guest
Hi Julie,
I am new here and am wishing I had found this forum years ago. I could have used it then but am so glad i have found it now.
Your original question really hit home with me. We kicked our 18 year old son out a month ago. It was an ugly scene and we ended up going to the police so they could help us get him out. My first reaction was that we would just wait until he contacted us... but that didn't totally feel right. He is the kind of kid who might just never contact us because he is very angry at us right now. We talked to my therapist about it (who has been a huge help in helping me learn to let go). Her reaction is why would he contact you, you just kicked him out? She suggested we text him every day... he might not respond which is his choice. Be clear with yourself, and hence with him, that he can't come home, but keep the communication lines open.
That was a huge relief to me. So that is what we did.... for the first 5 days I would text him but we got no response at all which was hard. Then he finally called us to borrow some camping equipment. We agreed but only gave him stuff that we did not care about, that we didn't care if we got back. He was mad because we didnt give him our good family tent but we were not going to do that. A couple of days later he called because he had gotten arrested. I think he was hoping I would jump to his rescue as I have done in the past but I didn't. I told him I loved him and to keep me informed. He spent the night in jail. I did go to his arraignment the next day to see what was up but I did not offer bail and I did not offer to pay for a lawyer. Since then he has called when he has needed something. He has gotten in more trouble. But now he is staying with a friend whose dad wants to help him out. This father is very different from us and has lived on the streets himself so I think my son can relate to him. The dad calls us sometimes to let us know what is going on.
I know i am resting easier because a) someone is keeping in touch with us and b) I now feel my son will call us when he needs help. I think he knows he can't come home. We had planned a big family vacation this summer which he had wanted to go on. We just told him that it isn't going to work for him to come and he seemed to agree.
I think it is absolutely the right thing to keep the door open to communication... so when they want help they feel they can call you and ask for it. It is also important though to not have it wide open so they also know that coming home is not an option. I think if the door is slammed shut they are less likely to call you when they do get to a place where they want treatment.
Drugs is also a big issue for my son. Right now I have no idea how big... or if it is getting worse. My guess is it probably is but since he is not living here it is not in my face and I really don't know.
I am new here and am wishing I had found this forum years ago. I could have used it then but am so glad i have found it now.
Your original question really hit home with me. We kicked our 18 year old son out a month ago. It was an ugly scene and we ended up going to the police so they could help us get him out. My first reaction was that we would just wait until he contacted us... but that didn't totally feel right. He is the kind of kid who might just never contact us because he is very angry at us right now. We talked to my therapist about it (who has been a huge help in helping me learn to let go). Her reaction is why would he contact you, you just kicked him out? She suggested we text him every day... he might not respond which is his choice. Be clear with yourself, and hence with him, that he can't come home, but keep the communication lines open.
That was a huge relief to me. So that is what we did.... for the first 5 days I would text him but we got no response at all which was hard. Then he finally called us to borrow some camping equipment. We agreed but only gave him stuff that we did not care about, that we didn't care if we got back. He was mad because we didnt give him our good family tent but we were not going to do that. A couple of days later he called because he had gotten arrested. I think he was hoping I would jump to his rescue as I have done in the past but I didn't. I told him I loved him and to keep me informed. He spent the night in jail. I did go to his arraignment the next day to see what was up but I did not offer bail and I did not offer to pay for a lawyer. Since then he has called when he has needed something. He has gotten in more trouble. But now he is staying with a friend whose dad wants to help him out. This father is very different from us and has lived on the streets himself so I think my son can relate to him. The dad calls us sometimes to let us know what is going on.
I know i am resting easier because a) someone is keeping in touch with us and b) I now feel my son will call us when he needs help. I think he knows he can't come home. We had planned a big family vacation this summer which he had wanted to go on. We just told him that it isn't going to work for him to come and he seemed to agree.
I think it is absolutely the right thing to keep the door open to communication... so when they want help they feel they can call you and ask for it. It is also important though to not have it wide open so they also know that coming home is not an option. I think if the door is slammed shut they are less likely to call you when they do get to a place where they want treatment.
Drugs is also a big issue for my son. Right now I have no idea how big... or if it is getting worse. My guess is it probably is but since he is not living here it is not in my face and I really don't know.
