Sweet Betsy-What to say or not say or do?

[DammitJanet]

Well, we all know that I tend not to give advice if I havent been there or arent willing to do it or try it myself right? So I will share something I dont tell the average bear.

When I was in HS and in the midst of the late 70's sex, drugs and rock-n-roll years, I got pregnant by a fly by night boyfriend. Certainly not someone I could ever see being in my life long term. I do remember his name though. I was 17 and in no way ready to be a mother and I knew it so I chose to have an abortion. I have never regretted it. Never. I know it was the right choice for me. At that point I was doing tons of drugs. I was drinking. It was certainly not the time to get pregnant. I had been on an IUD for 3 years prior to that and had to take it out and like an idiot forgot that I needed birth control after it was removed...sigh. I didnt say I was bright when I was high.
I dont think much about it anymore unless we talk about it. 2 of my kids are fine with it. Cory doesnt approve but oh well. He has very black and white thinking about several issues that I really dont get after being raised by me...lol. I am a very liberal person when it comes to personal matters.

 

[Star*]

Janet

That was one of the bravest things I think I've ever heard anyone talk about. Thank you for sharing your story.

 

[lovemysons]

Oh J I'm just shaking my head at this whole situation. I am so sorry that You Betsy and unborn baby are going through this...honestly the only things I can think of are the 3 options. First Crisis Pregnancy Center's they help when a woman decides to keep her baby. They van assist her with finding a job, getting housing, counseling and baby items. The second thought is adoption and there is probably an adoption agency in the nearest major city close to Betsy. They can provide housing and pay for all medical etc. The last option abortion which of course she can go to planned parenthood for that. As another has stated though abortion has consequence too.

I'm sorry to be so brief I have had too much coffee this morning and just returned from an out of state trip where I've been this past week.

Whatever happens I hope that you will continue to stay detached as much as possible... To let Betsy take full responsibility and ownership of this dilemma. This is not your problem ya know. I would remind Betsy that she is a survivor that she is capable of making good choices that she can live with...and that you believe in her and know she can do this that she is strong enough to handle this for the sake of this unborn child. It's also a good idea to remind her of AA and that she can walk into the doors of any AA group and they will gladly council her and help her make decisions.

Oh J when does it end with these kids huh...
Anyway you know I love you and will be thinking praying for you all.
Chin up... This too shall pass as my husband would say.

Love and hugs
LMS

 

[Mrs.McNear51]

It's amazing to me that I have this wonderful support group, some of which have been a part of my life for 10 years. I am truly blessed with all of you, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart . I read each of your responses and took your words to heart, thank you for taking the time to care about us.

Now that the initial shock has worn off, I am back to reality. I spoke with SB to see where her head is today, and she told me that she had pretty much decided to terminate the pregnancy. We discussed that whatever decision she makes, it is hers to live with. I'm not convinced she will go down that road, but she seems to be considering it. She is only 5 weeks along, has not been doing any drugs or drinking since she was first late, which I believe. She has been staying with her sister the last couple of weeks, and she vouched for her. She stayed completely clean when she was pregnant with Lincoln, and I believe she would do so again, if she chooses to carry this pregnancy to term.

I told both of my daughters when they became sexual active, and after I put them both on the pill, that I would not be raising their children. When SB left boyfriend and came back to town, she and Lincoln stayed with me for several months. Although I love Lincoln with all of my heart, it was not a good situation for any of us. When SB made the decision that she would not raise Lincoln with no help from boyfriend, she sent Lincoln to live with boyfriend's mother. boyfriend has been clean for the last year and a half, after being on heroin for a couple years. He has a nice, sweet girlfriend who he and Lincoln have started to make a family with. Lincoln is safe, well adjusted, happy and well taken care of. He was home for a few days this winter, SB spent time with him, but admitted to me that he is in the best place he could be...as much as it hurts to not have him close, it's what is best for him.

The point being, I will not raise this child either. She does not have the option of having this child and living with me. I will be supportive with whatever choice she makes, but I will not put myself in the position to be a primary care giver. I am 51 years old and that ship has sailed.

The father of this child is a decent guy, one that she dated and slept with for a couple weeks, and then decided she did not want to have a relationship with him. She told him earlier this week that she was pregnant and they are meeting tomorrow to talk. Oh boy.

My thoughts are still all over the place. I'm trying my best to contain them and more than anything, I continue to pray.Given a few more days, I hope to have alittle more peace about it in my own soul.

I'll keep you posted and I thank you all for your concern. You guys have always been the best. And Auntie Star, no apology from you will ever be needed. You always come from a heart of gold.

 

[mrsammler]

Two words: Casey Anthony. This can go so VERY south on everyone concerned. I'd counsel her STRONGLY to get an abortion. She is no condition to have and raise a child and, as far as I'm concerned, the "maybe having and raising a baby will grow her up" argument has zero merit.

 

[flutterby]

:facepalm:

 

[crazymama30]

Flutter, I concur times 10. Unless you have been there done that or can be compassionate and at the very least kind, butt out.

 

[BusynMember]

I thought about what I'd do if this were my ADULT child, and I think I'd do a lot of listening. This is too big for me to dare put in my .02 other than, "I can't raise the child.
I have friends who had abortions in high school (too many, actually). I was the lone prude who supported everyone through it. I don't see that any of those girls, now older women, have any regrets. They are all doing well with their own families and have moved on. I don't think abortion necessarily has to be a bad experience. A lot depends on your religious views. Abortion is not something I could personally ever do, but I would not make that decision for my grown child. Adoption, YES. There are tons of families looking to adopt children. But it would be more of a passing suggestion.
I am sorry you are going through this. Sounds so awful :<

 

[Malika]

www.passboards.org

 

[flutterby]

I apologize. I read that board in the wrong context.

 

[Malika]

I have no views to force on anyone. I have friends who have suffered and would like this young woman to be able to make an informed consent so that she may be free of that suffering. It is her choice to make. I am beginning to feel uncomfortable with what seems to be a kind of scapegoating that is going on against the things that I say.

 

[flutterby]

Malika, before you responded, I edited my post to apologize for reading that board in the wrong context. I sincerely apologize.

 

[Malika]

Ok, flutterby, thank you for explaining

 

[seriously]

I agree that you cannot advise her or even really help her figure out what she's going to do - it could too easily backfire on both of you. You do not want to be her "reason" for taking any particular path. The choice and the consequences are hers to make and bear.

If she turns to you for help/guidance then I suggest you get her to brainstorm who she can turn to for the help she needs since you are not able to do that for her. If she wants a ride to planned parenthood or anywhere else to talk to them about her options/health care then I might do that for her.

I would tell her I love her.

And that's all.