Dear Overwhelmed,
I read some of your posts earlier where I see the problems with your daughter. Just adding my experience and thoughts to others. I have a DS and i also have his exGF who is mother to my 5 grandkids, shes a textbook borderline personality. Ive managed to detach pretty well from my son but as she has my grandchildren im having more difficulty there. Currently shes living with another man and shes pregnant. Im her primary transportation, i take her to grocery store, grands tp medication apptmts and up til now dozen of other little errands (ive pulled back alot as i dont get along with her new man)Shes on welfare and I dont give much financial support (i have paid a hydro bill or gas bill to avoid cut off at times), my main involvement has been transportation. Howver now shes in a situation where shes being evicted, since the new guy has moved in, shes beem behind on all bills (however he always has money fir beer somehow) Shes asked me to help and I cry broke as i suspect hes spending her money. i dont know how she is going to afford a mover, find a deposit or even a landlord that will accept her. So hard as it is to watch, im just going to let it happen. If she ends up homeless, she will be in a shelter, or the kids will be in foster care. I share this just because you seem concerned about if the grandkids will understand. Our difficult children love to use the grands to manipulate us, and your grands are learning how to do the same. Is that a lesson you want them to learn? if you stop paying then she will either have to step up herself or fall, the roof over the kids head is her responsibilty not yours. And even if this sounds cold, worrying if the grands will understand is still allowing others to dictate how you should feel. Im sure when my daughter in law gets evicted, CPS will be asking me to take my grands and it will hurt to say no. I love them but I cant raise them, its their parents responsibilty and at my age i cant possibly handle mentally or financially five young children. Will my grands hate me for that and for not bailing mom out? (they hear her constantly insisting its my job to help because my son is a deadbeat and theyve learned from mom that nothing is ever her fault, its always someone elses) so I dont know, i hope not but ultimately if they find it more acceptable in their hearts to be angry at me instead of mom then I understand that. The point is I cant let that fear influence me to bail her out, or it will never end.I know you feel trapped and when we allow people to manipulate us like this it damages our own self esteem. I truly feel like a grade A idiot allowing some woman whos not even my daughter and pregnant by some man other than my son to claim so much of my time and peace of mind, but its a work in progress and we have to be forgiving of ourselves too ive learned some strategies to help, as i said, crying broke, lying about my finances to her helps. Sounds like you dont have to lie, simply tell the truth, the well is dry. I also tell her i work evenings which i dont, i retired 2 years ago and didnt tell her. Thus way i always have my evenings free, not ideal but im simply not strong enough to deal with the drama and fighting if she knew i was at home and able to go pick up milk, or babysit or take her somewhere or help her with laundry etc. So find ways to make excuses not to help instead of finding reasons (like the grandkids) that you should help. I think the more we do that, the more we get in the habit of making our needs the priority instead of someone elses. It takes practice and work, we cant change a lifetime of caretaking people overnight, but your relization that its not healthy for any of you is the first step. Take care and stay strong
