Thank you all, especially Copabanana.

[LetGo]

Copa responded to New Leaf today. You might as well have been speaking to me, Copa. Given all that NewLeaf is dealing with right now, I have been hesitant to post. I have been plagued the past couple of days.
My daughter will be released from prison in April. Her time has been moved up due to earned time. Physically, she is far from me. I am thankful for this. I have started having conflicted feelings...I don't want her to contact me. She has made no attempt so far. But part of me does want to know she will be alright. I told my husband today (my husband is not her adoptive father) that I believe the reason I am like this is because of my maternal instincts...it's natural for me to go to this point. And then I have to stop dead in my tracks and remember a few things. 1) My daughter never wanted my maternal ways, ever...fought me every inch of the way since childhood- Reactive Attachment Disorder at its finest 2) my maternal ways would not help now either-I don't believe much has changed with the passage of time 3) my daughter is not a child who needs me to protect her, 4) my daughter is an adult, has made her own choices, and has gotten herself into these situations, 5) I have to take care of myself. I am never sure what comes first, maternal feelings or guilt. This is a really hard place to be sometimes and I guess I will live with it for the rest of her life or mine, whichever comes first. I'd really rather not have to struggle with this. Thank you everyone, especially Copa.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Letgo

Thank you for your kind words. Please don't ever hesitate to post. There is room here enough for all of our heartache.

Your heart is yours alone. You own it. You can feel anything you want. What we must remember is that feelings are not reality. Of course we would want our children to be safe, protected, and to feel that they are loved. We can feel these feelings and have these wishes but do not have to act on them. These things, the knowing one is loved, safe, protected, worthy is the challenge for every adult. It can no longer be in the hands of their parents. But we can wish that for them. But let go.

Let go. I understand your name represents letting go the sense you have control over and responsibility for a good outcome for your daughter or even a healthy relationship with her, because you came to realize that the outcome was not in your hands. And that continuing to feel responsible for outcomes for your child, or the state of a relationship with your daughter was destructive to you and also to your daughter. All of this is so. I believe.

I was very touched by a recent post of yours that explained that you were not letting go of love or letting go of hope.

Love and hope are yours to have. But these feelings need not be tethered to responsibility, and even less. to guilt. Please let that go.