DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
I just felt for you. Made me mad for you. So I was venting for you...lol.
T
toughlovin
Guest
Thank you Janet... and I appreciated your vent for me. lol...He is so manipulative and he does suck me in so easily it is good to have others put a name to it when they hear it!!!
And I am also struck by what kimno is saying about the transition to a relationship with an adult child. My experience with this is so so different between my two kids. My daugther is 16 and is very much a easy child. She is a wonderful young woman with a really good head on her shoulders... and so the transitioning in our relationship where she starts getting more and more freedom just feels so natural. Am I nervous about her getting her drivers liscence in a few weeks... oh definitely but my fears are more around other drivers than her. I don't even feel the need to lay down the law about rules on car use because she knows what they are without question. It is just so different.
And of course the difference is trust. I trust her. She has never given me any reason not to trust her. Has she lied Occupational Therapist (OT) me or done something I disapprove of, probably at some point she has, most kids do. But she is honest, she talks to me, I have never caughter her lying to me, she doesn't do drugs.... I trust her and so it is easier to let her go. And she is also much more naturally independent.
My difficult child wants his freedom but he still wants oru financial support... and he lies to us constantly and always has. So she will move on be independent and the transition will be pretty easy on all of us.... and it will continue to be a struggle with him.
TL
And I am also struck by what kimno is saying about the transition to a relationship with an adult child. My experience with this is so so different between my two kids. My daugther is 16 and is very much a easy child. She is a wonderful young woman with a really good head on her shoulders... and so the transitioning in our relationship where she starts getting more and more freedom just feels so natural. Am I nervous about her getting her drivers liscence in a few weeks... oh definitely but my fears are more around other drivers than her. I don't even feel the need to lay down the law about rules on car use because she knows what they are without question. It is just so different.
And of course the difference is trust. I trust her. She has never given me any reason not to trust her. Has she lied Occupational Therapist (OT) me or done something I disapprove of, probably at some point she has, most kids do. But she is honest, she talks to me, I have never caughter her lying to me, she doesn't do drugs.... I trust her and so it is easier to let her go. And she is also much more naturally independent.
My difficult child wants his freedom but he still wants oru financial support... and he lies to us constantly and always has. So she will move on be independent and the transition will be pretty easy on all of us.... and it will continue to be a struggle with him.
TL
compassion
Member
Exactly. It is , in my opinion, tiny baby steps. I was expecting much more,esp. with my 21 year old. He currently is not functioning very high. I have more accepted difficult child daughter altough I do have high hopes and my expecations can be unrealsitc. I am stil lhoing she can do 1 credit hour at cc this Jan. That is 1 creidit, not one class. Witrh son, it has beden painful to accept that college,even part tiem is not ralsitc at this point. He is not much motivated to work. The plan right now is for him to get his unarmed security guard license next month to make baby steps in finding a job. Then there is the basic life skills stuff of living within beudget, making simple meals.Both kids sahre a condo one half mile from my condo. I give difficult child her medications daily and also offer to take her to AA and I take her to SA counceling. Another hope for her is volunteer work, one hour a week. She is not very stable right now so just the basics of laundry, grocery shopping can be a stretch.
buddy
New Member
wow, compassion. I am so sorry difficult child is struggling so right now. That is not a fun place to be. You sound like your name, such a support to them.
I dont think I ever had to make a shift into thinking that Q will need support in the future...forever. BUT, I have worried that someone would ever be fooled in his more superficial conversations about his interests, that people might not see how severely limited he really is. When I hear stories about people not ever looking in records etc...that makes me scared. I think letting him try to be independent is going to be very very hard for me. Not because I need him with me....but because he is so provocative to others, can insite them into violence, and he could either end up beaten, killed, arrested, etc.... THAT is what scares me.
I do get sad that he wont be able to have typical things in life....his own family etc. But I never thought he would. So not a shift for me, just that pity party that hits sometimes. Truth is he does think about those things sometimes, I think just assuming everyone gets married, has kids etc. Not because he really wants it. Same is true for college, he will say...when I go to college, or when I get my license, etc. That is just not going to happen for him.
I am not big on killing dreams though. Not for kids anyway. Even my former students who were in high school I would always tell them it is wonderful to have your dreams and to go for it. But MY feeling, I may not be right, is that we...all of us.... need a plan B and a plan C. Just in case things change and we still want to be happy picking plans that are things we also like to do.
Life doesn't work like a plan all the time, but it is ok to think about and help them develop some flexibility in thinking.
I dont think I ever had to make a shift into thinking that Q will need support in the future...forever. BUT, I have worried that someone would ever be fooled in his more superficial conversations about his interests, that people might not see how severely limited he really is. When I hear stories about people not ever looking in records etc...that makes me scared. I think letting him try to be independent is going to be very very hard for me. Not because I need him with me....but because he is so provocative to others, can insite them into violence, and he could either end up beaten, killed, arrested, etc.... THAT is what scares me.
I do get sad that he wont be able to have typical things in life....his own family etc. But I never thought he would. So not a shift for me, just that pity party that hits sometimes. Truth is he does think about those things sometimes, I think just assuming everyone gets married, has kids etc. Not because he really wants it. Same is true for college, he will say...when I go to college, or when I get my license, etc. That is just not going to happen for him.
I am not big on killing dreams though. Not for kids anyway. Even my former students who were in high school I would always tell them it is wonderful to have your dreams and to go for it. But MY feeling, I may not be right, is that we...all of us.... need a plan B and a plan C. Just in case things change and we still want to be happy picking plans that are things we also like to do.
Life doesn't work like a plan all the time, but it is ok to think about and help them develop some flexibility in thinking.
