The price...

[lovemysons]

Today was filled with both sadness and joy.

I only found out last night that my sons 3 children and the other 2 did not have any Christmas tree or presents to wake up to tomorrow morning. My heart sunk...he and his wife’s children would pay the price for having a daddy that is a mentally ill drug addict...still in the psychiatric ward after testing positive for Meth while having been homeless on the streets.

Dear husband and I had plans today to go to our older sons home and share Christmas Eve dinner and presents. But we knew first that we had to get a Christmas tree and more presents for this set of grands. We got to sons mother in laws house and I took the tree in that dear husband had put together. The house is so depressing. Dark and filled with chaos and clutter everywhere you look. Mother in law is a hoarder.
I only saw 2 of my granddaughters and their mother and her new baby. I brought the tree box in after filling it with toys so the girls would not notice the presents.

We spent the rest of the day with the “sober sons” family. Mom, dad, 3 granddaughters extended family, etc. A lasagna dinner feast with salad bread and special desserts. A prayer first and then we ate and opened presents after.

Somewhere in the middle of all this, our homeless son called me. I took the phone call outside the front door. I couldn’t contain myself as he was wishing me and his dad a Merry Christmas, I flat out told him what his children were facing. How tomorrow they were going to wake up in a filthy cluttered house with no tree no presents no mom and dad to read the bible before the gifts (like we had done when he was young).
...I was angry.

Angry that one son has his life so together now that his family is living the American dream while in total contrast the other sons family is living a total nightmare. The children are paying the price for their mother and father’s failure .

Son started to cry and I think he even said something about not surviving this life but I couldn’t listen to it. I told him I had to go back in and be a part of Christmas with his brothers family.

I don’t normally get in sons face about the reality that his children live with on a regular basis. But this time...this time the price was too high and this memory that his children would have been left with pains me to no end.

If you have a spare prayer tonight please pray for grandson 13, granddaughter 11, and granddaughter 8... plus the other two boys from different dads.

Thank you in advance...and I pray wherever you are in your life right now that it is filled with hope and some measure of peace and joy.
lms

 

[Crayola13]

It's very sad. Many children are in that situation. They are lucky to have you. Hoarding is something I'll never understand.

 

[KTMom91]

Many hugs, lovemysons. I hope your words fell on receptive ears.

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

Very dear LoveMy Sons,

Every time you write telling us about another development, I am in awe of how your reactions, your knee-jerk reactions, are always spot-on. What I mean is that telling him how you felt at that very moment was obviously just the right thing to do for you at that time because it provoked a reaction from him. We have learned from this site that before they turn themselves around they have to reach rock bottom. But somehow you always manage to get through to him that you love him no matter what. I've said it before and I will say it again: I think you are an amazing mother, and I am in awe of you.

Love, Esther

 

[Copabanana]

I echo what Esther wrote. I am filled with awe at your heart and your strength and your presence to which we bear witness here.

I was going to write that I am so sorry that you are caught in this contradiction between a wayward son you adore and his abandoned children. But that is wrong. You are a hero to all of them and to us. In this impossible situation, you find a way through with heart and strength. I am in awe, too.

 

[Nandina]

The post was so thought provoking and touching, LMS, and the responses to it equally touching. You are blessed with such wisdom and I’m grateful you are sharing it with us.

 

[february]

I am glad you let your son know; his children should not have to pay for his messed up life. I am sorry you have to see the grandkids grow up this way.
god bless and prayers!

 

[lovemysons]

Thank you all so much for the praise and support but honestly any of you would have done the very same thing.

Daughter in law texted me a picture with the presents under the tree and said, “Thank you for saving Christmas Mr & Mrs Claus! “

I have been gone for the past several days out of town. I haven’t heard from son since he called Christmas Eve and I gave him a tongue lashing.
I called the psychiatric hospital yesterday on my drive home but they told me he had left. I am concerned about him now and hope to hear from him soon.

This weekend we are scheduled to have my grandchildren here at our home to celebrate our late Christmas with them. It should be a fun time as my daughter and her husband are also expected to be here too.

Thank you again for caring about me and our family’s situation.
Love to you all,
lms

 

[lovemysons]

Interestingly enough last night as I got out of bed after saying my prayers, son called me.
He had nothing but praise for his mama. Sometimes I swear he is such a sweet soul. He talked about how similar he and I are...how we think with our hearts.

He wrote letters to his children over the years that he reminded me of and that I am keeping ”in the event he doesn’t make it.”
When my children were babies I wrote them letters and let them read them about the age of 13. This apparently meant a lot to my son.

I told him over and over again to take his prescribed medicine and stay away from street drugs. I told him that I pray he finds a way back home to us and that I expect to see him on our door step one day. He told me to keep praying. He said his “wants have to change.”
He has got to stop wanting to use drugs.

I asked him where he is sleeping and he said outside of the Target or in a field by a river. He said people gave him a pallet and a blanket and that he slept 12 hours night before last.
He has always been my heavy sleeper...since he was a baby. In fact when he was a toddler he would get so sleepy he would put himself in his crib.
It is no wonder that he goes into psychosis when he has been using Meth and stays awake for days.

He has lost his ID again...sigh. But he says that if he collects enough money for a bus ticket that they will not check an ID. I don’t know.

This son of mine makes my heart so badly...sometimes he is just the sweetest guy on the planet. I love him so much.
lms

 

[Copabanana]

Dear lovemysons

He said his “wants have to change.”
He has got to stop wanting to use drugs.

I think that change has to happen when they still want drugs, but when they want something else even more. I don't think there is ever a point when somebody who is addicted stops wanting the thing that they crave. It is a question of deciding each and every time, in a different way, because something else is more important. The want of something different has to come from within our children's hearts. That's why it hasn't worked for me, all of the conditions and incentives and motivations and supports I have applied. At the end of the day, my son only experienced these as manipulations. And he was right.

He has lost his ID again...sigh. But he says that if he collects enough money for a bus ticket that they will not check an ID. I don’t know.

My son has problems with ID's and operates without them. If he pays cash for train tickets online or on the phone, or if I do, he rides Amtrak without a problem. He boards the train with a ticket on his phone and thus far he hasn't had a problem. It's when they buy the ticket at the station that he has to show an ID.

I wish I could hold onto my love as you do. I devolve into hardness or frustration or anger. My son is in my town again. It was so much easier when he was two hours to the north. When he's closer I get hard in order to protect myself. I don't know another way.

 

[overcome mom]

Lovemyson I am happy that you can find the love in your heart for your son. I go between that, sadness and anger. If I think about all the good things about my son and how kind he can be at times, it breaks my heart. When I am angry I find it easier to detach.
I can't tell you how many ID's I have gotten my son . Last time I requested a copy of his birth certificate I got numerous copies.

 

[lovemysons]

Copa and overcome mom,
I understand. If my son lived with us again I know there would be frustration and a whole lot more added work to my life. Son leaves wet towels on floor, dirty dishes on the counter for me to do, I have to give him his medication etc. He’s almost helpless in our house.
It is easy to remember all the things that I love about him when he is homeless in the streets far away from our safety net.
When I am angry at him it is definitely much easier to detach.

One thing I forgot to add...Son did talk about how his children don’t deserve the life that they have but in saying this he also began to talk about suicide. But he says That that is the devil trying to destroy him.

What really gets to me is when he says “if I don’t make it.”
If he doesn’t make it...lf he overdoses, I don’t know what will happen to me.
Son and I share commonalities as I have Bipolar disorder and addictive traits. I think he and I are codependent on each other.
Plus, like I said before we think with our hearts.

I hope he will survive street life. I hope all of our children will survive their choices.
lms

 

[Copabanana]

Dear lovemysons

I am only seeing this heartfelt and heartbreaking post some weeks after you've posted. I think all of us have that fear, that we won't survive if the worst happens.

I pray to G-d that your son stays safe. I pray that he decides to live the kind of life that he deserves, that will take away from you this worry and terror.

I don't know where my son is. His phone that I pay for is not being used. I could deal with it when I thought he was blocking me. Since I realized he is not using the phone at all, I am beyond the pale. My son over the years has spoken often of suicide, been hospitalized several times, and he says, made an attempt. He has made several suicidal gestures.

As the years go by it gets harder and harder to hope. I may be stronger, I may have better boundaries, but the despair is the same when I don't know where he is, how he is; when I am not connected to him in some way.

There is no way to be happy unless I live in fantasy-land. I live in fantasy land when my son is out of sight, out of mind. In fantasy-land I can pretend he's getting better; working, happy, living in a house with other people, getting along with roommates, taking his antivirals for his liver. When he is near me I get mad, feel frustrated, feel unheard, disregarded, etc. When he is not in touch, and I don't know where he is, I feel bereft, afraid, sad, and desperate.

There are many mothers here who are able to be at peace, in the circumstances in which I live. But I am not one of them.

I just wanted to tell you, that I feel your pain and fear, with you. You are a remarkable woman and an extraordinary mother. I respect you more than I can ever say.

 

[lovemysons]

Oh Copa I so hope your son is okay! I only just heard from my son a moment ago after a few days with no call.
He says he is having a breakdown (drug induced). I told him to go to a hospital. He tells me he feels like he’s exhausting all of his resources there. I reminded him that hospitals are there to care for people in his situation. I don’t know if he’ll go. He then tells me that he doesn’t feel any sort of happiness without drugs. I told him it sounds like he needs an antidepressant as well as the mood stabilizer he had been taking.

I thought my son might have been making progress as he was in a sober living house up until a few days ago. He had been accepted into a rehab there. But he walked out again.

I wish the fears the terror would go away regardless of his condition but it doesn’t for me either. Last week I heard news that was so heart wrenching...such a sad loss of life from one of our long time CD members son. Mom thinks it was drugs. We are Facebook friends and her posts brought home the potential reality all the more.

I don’t know where we go from here Copa. I don’t know what I will do if I lose my son. I know you feel the same.
prayers are for all of our children. So painful to walk this walk with them.

 

[RN0441]

Copa and Lovemysons: I am so terribly sorry for your ongoing pain and I am praying for you right now.

I honestly believe with my whole heart that prayer is the only hope any of us have to get through the trials of this life.

Stay strong.

 

[Copabanana]

tells me that he doesn’t feel any sort of happiness without drugs.

Hi lovemysons. This is hardly surprising he doesn't feel happiness unless drugged. His brain now depends upon artificial substances to regulate itself. It has lost temporarily it's G-d-given ability to seek and restore balance.

I am with RN in this. I have found that the way to restore well-being and tranquility to be spirituality. I have also turned to something called neurofeedback which is a way that our brain relearns how to balance itself.

I have a great deal of hope for your son lovemysons. The thing is what is going to shock him into a place where he will allow for something different. I think that is what the 12 step groups call, hitting bottom. That place where we are compelled to look up and in to return to that place where all is whole. Even us. Prayer.

I was never a religious or spiritual woman before all of this. Now, I am.

Love, Copa