The Saga Continues: wow....just wow. :(

[Lil]

Well, my "kicked out of the shelter" thread has reached 12 pages and over 225 responses...so I thought a new one was in order. Besides, that issue was solved by our renting the apartment January 2. So being kicked out of the shelter is no longer a problem.

No...now the problem is that he got fired. Ah yes. Fired. Already. Less than 5 days after we rented him an apartment, so he could have a place to sleep during the days, so he could work nights. Fired. Already.


Not that he told us when it happened. I texted him tonight and asked him if he wanted a ride to work, since it's really freaking cold. Just being nice. So he called and said, "Yeah, about the job..."

I didn't even ask why he got fired. I truly don't care. Not. My. Problem. I'm rather pleased that my response was simply, "Well you better be finding another one quick, you have rent due February 1, and you better be saving as much as you can when you get paid."

He had the nerve to ask if I'd drive there and buy him a pack of rolling papers (he has tobacco to roll his own cigarettes because it's so much cheaper than buying packs) and he'd give me 100 pennies, because the closest place to buy papers is a few blocks and it's so cold.

I actually thought about it a minute. He's only 2 miles from here. Then I remembered I'd bought him a pack of 50 papers January 1. And a pack of cigarettes. And two MORE packs of cigarettes on January 3! And I then reminded him of all of that and I said:

NO! You want them that bad, freeze!

Honest to God I can't believe he even asked.

All I know is I will buy exactly NOTHING from here on out. He can go to the food pantry, he can walk to the shelter for a free meal, he can starve.

I'm done.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Hugs.

 

[Jabberwockey]

What she didn't mention was the fact that he had called her at work earlier asking for a plunger and a roll of paper towels. Long story, don't ask. I purchased said items after work and dropped them off with him. As he was leaning in the passenger window he says "I hate to ask you this but....". He wanted to borrow $10 for food because he was out. Lil bought him enough food to last probably two weeks or more the day he moved in. I of course said no. he of course said nothing about being unemployed. Yay.

 

[Lil]

I shouldn't be...I should have expected it, but I'm just so freaking disappointed in him. I really did expect set backs. I expected to be asked for food or money. I expected issues.

I didn't expect this.

But, there are jobs. He can get a job. All he has to do is try.

Time will tell.

 

[BusynMember]

Lil, I knew he wouldn't keep the job. That was why I was, whether I posted it or not, quite sure you were out the money. He is not acting like a young adult who wants to grow up. He is not really changing at all. He is doing same ole/same ole/mom will save me. If he were going to change you'd see a vast attitude difference in him. He'd probably want to get some schooling, and be serious about it, so he could do more in life than flip burgers. He would also start asserting his own independence: "I can do it, Mom. You don't have to do it for me." At least, this is what all of my kids, except 37, would say to me and well before age eighteen.

I am sorry this happened. Maybe this is a good time to read up on radical acceptance and maybe it's the time to start realizing that your son is who he is and you can't change him. Only he can change himself. Nobody can motivate him but himself. Now I just hope he stays in the rental and doesn't leave it or let a bunch of unsavory people hang out there. There seems to be a pattern to difficult children that I've noticed through the years. They are very predictable. Trust me, your son could have found places to eat every day. He knows where to go for food. He's just used to you letting him do it the easy way.

My guess about his firing: He overslept, didn't call in. Do I think he uses drugs? Yes, I have always thought so. Which drugs? I have no idea. Maybe synthetic pot, or maybe more.Something that zaps him of his motivation and energy and makes him tired.

I hope I'm 100% wrong about everything.

One thing I know I'm right about is that you and Jabber are such a great couple. It would help your health and well being a lot to learn detachment skills and to just enjoy one another for once...your great relationship...the blessing of your wonderful family, which you know all of us don't have. You have a lot of blessings. Embrace them. You can have a good life even if your son is struggling.

I'm sorry you had to go through it, like so many of the rest of us. Many difficult children seem to get jobs and lose them faster than we can wrap our minds around them actually getting a paycheck that often never comes.

 

[JKF]

I'm sorry Lil! I know how difficult this is and I understand what you're going through. My 20 year old son has currently been homeless since the end of May. Previous to that he was homeless off and on for a year with the "off" parts solely due to ME finding him services, several shelter programs, an apartment, etc. I spent countless hours and a ton of money that I couldn't afford. I bought him food often and gave him money. I would drive him places instead of making him take responsibility for his own transportation. I paid for motels and an apartment and the money to move across country and "start over". I did all of the work FOR him and every single time he threw it all away. He didn't want to follow rules, wouldn't get a job, wanted to do only what he wanted to do. The result is that he's been homeless and on the streets for almost 8 months now.

That being said, he's finally starting to show improvement. He's been taking initiative to get services set up on his own, he goes to appointments on his own, finds food and shelter on his own, etc. And I truly believe it's because I finally completely stepped back and stopped doing it FOR him.

Stepping back and giving him control of his own life was the hardest thing I've ever done. I still talk to my son daily and I even help him at times. But the difference is that now when I help him he genuinely appreciates it. He sincerely thanks me. He finally realizes that I help him with certain things because I WANT to and not because I HAVE to.

Anyway - I just want you to know that I understand what you're going through and you have my support. I've been in your shoes and I know how devastatingly hard it is. Stay strong. Hugs to you!

 

[GuideMe]

I'm sorry Lil. I'm praying that he will get it together really soon.

 

[Tanya M]

Lil and Jabber I'm sorry to hear that he got fired but in all honesty I'm not surprised. Your story reminds me so much of what I went through with my son. I know that feeling of disappointment and anger all too well.
You both did the right thing by telling him no when he asked for money and a ride. I hope he will be able to find another job and soon.
My heart goes out to you both!!
Stay strong and hold onto each other.

 

[Albatross]

I'm so sorry to read this, Lil and Jabber. Now the part about no work last night makes more sense.

He can find another job if he looks. My big fear is that he won't look because he and his friends can pool funds or whatever for food...and the place you are obligated to pay for will be their home base for the next 6 months. But I so hope I am wrong on that. And he has an address and a place to sleep, so he has no excuse NOT to find a job.

It hurts so much to get burned that way. And they don't even seem to care. They just want someone to take care of the next few minutes or hours of their lives for them so they don't have to.

 

[Sleepymom1]

I'm sorry to hear this Lil. I am a newbie to this group, but I can relate so much. I have paid for an apartment for my difficult child son (age 20). He had a short-lived job at a fast-food place while living there, but lost it because he overslept and missed work. I would drive over there late at night and take him food sometimes, when he called me saying he was "starving." He is living at home with us now, which is tolerable at the moment, only because he is trying to behave (doesn't want to get kicked out). I love him, but I really don't know what's going to become of him.
You and your husband seem like intelligent, caring people. Thank goodness you have each other! I am lucky to have a supportive husband too (difficult child's stepdad). He has put up with a lot! Anyway.....no real words of advice....just sending support and good thoughts.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm sorry Lil & Jabber. Many of us have been in your shoes, we get it. It's such a huge disappointment.

 

[Lil]

Believe it or not all, I'm not that upset. Well, that's true and not true. I AM upset...but mostly I'm just like..
"Really? Already? Really? How is that even possible?"

Friday we got him the apartment. Saturday I took him some groceries and said, "I'm done." Sunday he called asking for a ride to work (45 minutes early) and we told him to walk. Monday - last night - Jabber took him his book and he wasn't home, but was home before midnight. Today I asked earlier by text after he called asking for a plunger how the walk to work was...he said, "It's okay." Then tonight...

So yeah. I'm more upset that I was so stupid. It's not like I thought he'd keep this job forever. I just thought...well, maybe until he got freaking PAID!


Really, nothing has changed as far as we're concerned. He still has to June 1, (5 months, not 6), to get his act together. I'm done spending money. There's no reason at all why I should spend another penny. He has a roof over his head and if he can't pay the electric he can walk his atheist arse around to the churches and ask those religious folks he couldn't care less about for help. He can get food from the food pantries, there are several. I quit smoking with all this damn stress on me - he can too. So yeah. Nothing has changed except I intend to reclaim my Game of Throne DVD's for fear of him selling them.

Done.

 

[Origami]

Lil, I'm sorry for this disappointment. I also get my hopes up when my difficult children do something positive, and even if you know it was probably inevitable, the fact that they take so much for granted (jobs, apartments, etc.) is saddening. My older difficult child (age 27) went through six jobs in one year when he was 18. He got fired from some and quit a couple. Even since he's been older, he's been fired from two good jobs. I attribute most of this to his drug use, which he's still struggling with.

Hugs to you and Jabber, and hang in there.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Oh Lil and Jabber,

I am sorry this has happened - getting fired. But, I did laugh...just a little tiny laugh. My mom, very religious, emailed our difficult child something very similar about a year ago. He is an avowed atheist and she copied the email to me. difficult child was asking them for money and she said something along the lines of Go ask the atheist food pantries, services, etc. for help (knowing those services would be few and far between). I thought it was brilliant. Good point and good luck. She is a little over the top with her religious advice, but her email had me thinking...yeah, really. Do that. I even tried to Google such services, lol.

Hope your difficult child gets another job soon. He can and I hope he does.

This is so not fun. I feel for you guys; I really do.

 

[in a daze]

I'm so sorry, Lil. I hope he gets another job soon.

Maybe he can beg them for one more chance and tell them he has an action plan to ensure that he's not late or oversleeping. That's what my kid did and he's been at the job for nine months now.

 

[Lil]

He is an avowed atheist and she copied the email to me. difficult child was asking them for money and she said something along the lines of Go ask the atheist food pantries, services, etc. for help (knowing those services would be few and far between). I thought it was brilliant.

Brilliant! Your mother is awesome. LOL

aybe he can beg them for one more chance and tell them he has an action plan to ensure that he's not late or overselling. That's what my kid did and he's been at the job for nine months now.

I'll mention it, if I speak to him, but I kind of doubt that will work. We'll see.

 

[TerryJ2]

Oh, Lil. And Jabberwockey.
I am so sorry.
I hear you.
(And I'm a bit slow. I just figured out that you two are married.)

 

[Jabberwockey]

(And I'm a bit slow. I just figured out that you two are married.)

Um??? Look at my sig!

 

[GuideMe]

Jabber, quick off the subject question. Where did you come up with your screen name?

 

[GuideMe]

How* rather. Not where , lol.