BusynMember
Well-Known Member
...is a new epidemic called child estrangement, when an adult child, who has not been overtly abused, simply cuts his parents and siblings and other family members out of his life completely. Yes, you are gone **poof** as if you never existed. That fast. Often with no warning and usually with no explanation.
You are FB blocked, e-mail and phone number blocked, your mailed letters are ignored or sent back unopened, and sometimes the police is called if one tries to visit this estranged child to see what they did to deserve the total horror of silence. Some parents have had the horror of their adult child calling the cops on them and I know of one who went to jail and many got restraining orders put on them.
Grand children relationships don't happen. Often parents don't even know that there ARE grandchildren. I am still here largely because of the constant reminder of the pain, even when the love for a child I once knew has diminished and the child is gone for so long that the child is no longer known to the parent. This is not the happy young boy or conscientious young adult I knew.
Who is this child that I loved who could do something this awful? Is death worse? At least in death, it is usually after loving moments. Do I wish he were dead instead? Of course I don't!!!! But it would be easier, although I definitely am glad I know he is alive and well, mostly because my ex, who is the only one not totally estranged, has contact with him. If not for ex,I would not know if he were even alive. I am blocked everyplace he goes.
Is there a sign that this estrangement will happen? Usually notj udging by all the stories I have read on parent estrangement sites. Sometimes there is a tense relationship beforehand, but NO clue that the parent is about to be cut off like a third arm, no longer needed.
I didn't have that contentious relationship with Goneboy. It was always smooth until it no longer existed. It happened when he met his now wife. Is she the reason why? Well, she was horrible and we all felt a hostile vibe from her. However, we all know how to behave and everyone welcomed her warmly and included her and fawned all over her, like we always do with a new family member.
Some things she did were odd, but all of us are a little odd. Who isn't? She used to sit on his lap and kiss him all the time. If they were young, well, lets just say even Jumper doesn't fawn over her boyfriends like that, but she was older than him, in her thirties and professional. Princess told me, "She wants him to herself. Nobody else is allowed." I told her she was b eing silly. She said, "Mom, she is evil." I scoffed yet Princess is my very insightful kid. Her observation scared me and I sort of felt it, but I did not allow myself to really go there, not even in my mind. Even Princess continued to be warm and loving to her because that is who all of us are.
More about this new honey.She was of Gone boy's culture and not completely Americanized. She had her own ideas about what and who should be a family. I don't think she believed in adoption. Her culture doesn't. This is just guesswork. And Gone boy, who never had tons of girls, was so besotted and I can only guess that she lead him this way, but he let her do it. I don't know why. I will never know w hy or if she did it or he did it or it was both of their ideas. He was different as soon as he met her. But why? I'll never know. Our children meeting new girlfriends OR right after divorces are prime time for these estrangements, although they can and do happen at any time. These are the most common times, it seems.
No family is exempt.
Most estranged parents have no idea what they did wrong. Most never find out. And estrangements rarely end. They can, but it is often more stressful to have these adult estrangers in your life than otherwise nor do they usually ever explain their actions and often they have lists of rules you have to follow in order to be in their lives. They demean the parent. That is the point.A lot of people who tried to reconnect were so abused while in touch the second time that THEY cut it off. You do learn that you should not take abuse, especially from your child. It hurts like none other and we do have to go on and live. We have other people who need us and we need to love ourselves too. We can't let anybody destroy us by being abusive, even a once beloved child. In my case, he hurt not just me, but my husband and other kids, who are very much cold against him now and never want to see him again. I am protective of the kind people in my life.
It's almost eleven years for me and I am good. I grieved. I tried to connect. I met them at a church reconciliation place and he was horrible. I have never seen my grandkids. My ex has tried talking to him about it because ex is the only person he will interact with at all, although, trust me, it is on his terms. He won't address it with ex. He has alienated all my kids too. I say all my kids because Gone boy in no way acts like a son. He doesn't want the role. I gave him his freedom in a short letter and he never wrote back. I took him out of our will. I don't have this son anymore on any level. I can't love a person I no longer know. I loved him when I knew him...eleven years ago.
I tell everyone I know t hat I have four kids and two grandchildren. That is essentially the truth. Technically it isn't, but I'm more into the role you play than the title you have. I'm not attached to him anymore...indeed, I fear him. I would not know what to do if he ever wanted to come back. We are all so done with his abusive behavior, not just me but the other kids and my husband. I hope I never have to make a decision. I doubt I will have to. Some estranged kids come back just long enough to shoot abuse at their estranged parents and taunt them with baby pictures of grands they will never see. He doesn't do this. I am grateful for crumbs.
Nobody needs to comment. I just lately have felt a bit misunderstood and even battered here because of an issue most here don't understand. Everyone here is too kind to deliberately batter. Please nobody take this wrong. It is aimed at no one poster, but is info for all in case I feel a need to bring it up. I usually leave this now since it rarely bothers me anymore. But when it does, I need your support, not posts about how you would do it differently. Honestly...you don't know. I hope you all never have to know.
I posted this mostly because I don't like being misunderstood, just as most people don't.Learn about ten year estrangements please before you say you'd never do this. You do not know how you'd feel after all this and after all the time. You can think you know, but you can't know. I had no idea I could feel as if a child I raised was no longer my child and that I could go weeks without barely thinking about him. The only reason he has been on my mind now is that husband and I revised our will from about fifteen years ago and he is not in it. And I wrote him a short letter, which I'd rather not disclose and which did not require an answer. It was actually about my needs, not his or anything I want from him because that time has come and gone. When I almost died in a car accident, I did not hear from him and he knew about it. That pretty much did it for me.
To further understand the awfulness and heartache of estrangement, vs. just a difficult child you sometimes can't stand, I have posted a link if anyone is interested. If not, please don't judge me if you have not gone through this. Thanks!!!!
http://estrangedstories.ning.com/
There are other sites. I also like the only on DailyStrength Estranged Parents of Adult Children, but you'd have to go there yourself. I can't get the link. It won't let me post it without logging in and I forgot my logins. Anyone can find it if they are interested. Just use the search engine.
Unless you have walked in my shoes, don't judge them. Don't judge how the shoes are battered and the soles are coming off. Don't. Please. This is not a site where we judge. And you all know me...trust me I groveled, cried, pleaded made a fool of myself before accepting estrangement. Now I'm into just never letting anyone abuse me and never losing my self-respect to another person. He will never get that from me again. Nobody ever will.
With hope for understanding
You are FB blocked, e-mail and phone number blocked, your mailed letters are ignored or sent back unopened, and sometimes the police is called if one tries to visit this estranged child to see what they did to deserve the total horror of silence. Some parents have had the horror of their adult child calling the cops on them and I know of one who went to jail and many got restraining orders put on them.
Grand children relationships don't happen. Often parents don't even know that there ARE grandchildren. I am still here largely because of the constant reminder of the pain, even when the love for a child I once knew has diminished and the child is gone for so long that the child is no longer known to the parent. This is not the happy young boy or conscientious young adult I knew.
Who is this child that I loved who could do something this awful? Is death worse? At least in death, it is usually after loving moments. Do I wish he were dead instead? Of course I don't!!!! But it would be easier, although I definitely am glad I know he is alive and well, mostly because my ex, who is the only one not totally estranged, has contact with him. If not for ex,I would not know if he were even alive. I am blocked everyplace he goes.
Is there a sign that this estrangement will happen? Usually notj udging by all the stories I have read on parent estrangement sites. Sometimes there is a tense relationship beforehand, but NO clue that the parent is about to be cut off like a third arm, no longer needed.
I didn't have that contentious relationship with Goneboy. It was always smooth until it no longer existed. It happened when he met his now wife. Is she the reason why? Well, she was horrible and we all felt a hostile vibe from her. However, we all know how to behave and everyone welcomed her warmly and included her and fawned all over her, like we always do with a new family member.
Some things she did were odd, but all of us are a little odd. Who isn't? She used to sit on his lap and kiss him all the time. If they were young, well, lets just say even Jumper doesn't fawn over her boyfriends like that, but she was older than him, in her thirties and professional. Princess told me, "She wants him to herself. Nobody else is allowed." I told her she was b eing silly. She said, "Mom, she is evil." I scoffed yet Princess is my very insightful kid. Her observation scared me and I sort of felt it, but I did not allow myself to really go there, not even in my mind. Even Princess continued to be warm and loving to her because that is who all of us are.
More about this new honey.She was of Gone boy's culture and not completely Americanized. She had her own ideas about what and who should be a family. I don't think she believed in adoption. Her culture doesn't. This is just guesswork. And Gone boy, who never had tons of girls, was so besotted and I can only guess that she lead him this way, but he let her do it. I don't know why. I will never know w hy or if she did it or he did it or it was both of their ideas. He was different as soon as he met her. But why? I'll never know. Our children meeting new girlfriends OR right after divorces are prime time for these estrangements, although they can and do happen at any time. These are the most common times, it seems.
No family is exempt.
Most estranged parents have no idea what they did wrong. Most never find out. And estrangements rarely end. They can, but it is often more stressful to have these adult estrangers in your life than otherwise nor do they usually ever explain their actions and often they have lists of rules you have to follow in order to be in their lives. They demean the parent. That is the point.A lot of people who tried to reconnect were so abused while in touch the second time that THEY cut it off. You do learn that you should not take abuse, especially from your child. It hurts like none other and we do have to go on and live. We have other people who need us and we need to love ourselves too. We can't let anybody destroy us by being abusive, even a once beloved child. In my case, he hurt not just me, but my husband and other kids, who are very much cold against him now and never want to see him again. I am protective of the kind people in my life.
It's almost eleven years for me and I am good. I grieved. I tried to connect. I met them at a church reconciliation place and he was horrible. I have never seen my grandkids. My ex has tried talking to him about it because ex is the only person he will interact with at all, although, trust me, it is on his terms. He won't address it with ex. He has alienated all my kids too. I say all my kids because Gone boy in no way acts like a son. He doesn't want the role. I gave him his freedom in a short letter and he never wrote back. I took him out of our will. I don't have this son anymore on any level. I can't love a person I no longer know. I loved him when I knew him...eleven years ago.
I tell everyone I know t hat I have four kids and two grandchildren. That is essentially the truth. Technically it isn't, but I'm more into the role you play than the title you have. I'm not attached to him anymore...indeed, I fear him. I would not know what to do if he ever wanted to come back. We are all so done with his abusive behavior, not just me but the other kids and my husband. I hope I never have to make a decision. I doubt I will have to. Some estranged kids come back just long enough to shoot abuse at their estranged parents and taunt them with baby pictures of grands they will never see. He doesn't do this. I am grateful for crumbs.
Nobody needs to comment. I just lately have felt a bit misunderstood and even battered here because of an issue most here don't understand. Everyone here is too kind to deliberately batter. Please nobody take this wrong. It is aimed at no one poster, but is info for all in case I feel a need to bring it up. I usually leave this now since it rarely bothers me anymore. But when it does, I need your support, not posts about how you would do it differently. Honestly...you don't know. I hope you all never have to know.
I posted this mostly because I don't like being misunderstood, just as most people don't.Learn about ten year estrangements please before you say you'd never do this. You do not know how you'd feel after all this and after all the time. You can think you know, but you can't know. I had no idea I could feel as if a child I raised was no longer my child and that I could go weeks without barely thinking about him. The only reason he has been on my mind now is that husband and I revised our will from about fifteen years ago and he is not in it. And I wrote him a short letter, which I'd rather not disclose and which did not require an answer. It was actually about my needs, not his or anything I want from him because that time has come and gone. When I almost died in a car accident, I did not hear from him and he knew about it. That pretty much did it for me.
To further understand the awfulness and heartache of estrangement, vs. just a difficult child you sometimes can't stand, I have posted a link if anyone is interested. If not, please don't judge me if you have not gone through this. Thanks!!!!
http://estrangedstories.ning.com/
There are other sites. I also like the only on DailyStrength Estranged Parents of Adult Children, but you'd have to go there yourself. I can't get the link. It won't let me post it without logging in and I forgot my logins. Anyone can find it if they are interested. Just use the search engine.
Unless you have walked in my shoes, don't judge them. Don't judge how the shoes are battered and the soles are coming off. Don't. Please. This is not a site where we judge. And you all know me...trust me I groveled, cried, pleaded made a fool of myself before accepting estrangement. Now I'm into just never letting anyone abuse me and never losing my self-respect to another person. He will never get that from me again. Nobody ever will.
With hope for understanding
Last edited:
off" is horrible.
