This is how he is-just when I think he's progressing, he changes...

[Childofmine]

BG, this is not about you. It is about her. Could be many things: She's deflecting her absolute upset and hopelessness from her daughter onto your son. It's interesting how other people can see good in our kids---mainly because they have NO IDEA of all we have been through, and you know, they can be really, really nice and normal to other people, especially.

We get the worst of them. You likely would see some different things in her daughter than she can and does.

And she is likely like all of us---she will get it when she gets it and not before. We can talk and share our experience, strength and hope but there is a definitive process that must occur along the pathway of stopping enabling, detaching with love, and accepting reality.

You can't rush it. It takes time.

You shared your experience, strength and hope---and that is good. You told her. And now she has the absolute right to do whatever she wants to do, eyes wide open.

It isn't about you and what she thinks about you. Who cares what she thinks about you? You know exactly what you have been through and all you have tried, and you don't have to explain it to anybody.

We can't control what other people think of us, and truly, it's none of our business. People can do and think what they want.

We can too. That is all we can control---ourselves. Try to be kind and gentle with her, she knows not what she is getting into---trying to save ANYBODY.

It doesn't work. Ever.

Warm hugs. You are a Warrior Mom. We're here with you and for you.

P.S. I am sorry about difficult child. Sigh. Maybe one day...

 

[recoveringenabler]

It sounds to me as if she is codependent, which has nothing whatsoever to do with you. You can't help her to see the light about your son, if her daughter is also a difficult child, it does appear as if she is trying to "save"both of them. Stay out of it. It's between the three of them. Whatever the reason for her investment in your son, it doesn't have anything to do with you. Let that go. People do what they do, it doesn't have to make sense or be connected to us in any way shape or form. What they are all doing is essentially none of your business, let them all go. She is perceiving the situation with her own eyes, seeing what she sees is her issue, not yours. It seems as if this is simply more for you to let go of. We have absolutely no control over others, their choices, their behaviors, their reasoning. What keeps us stuck in any kind of suffering is believing we have any control over any of it and taking any of it personally. This likely has nothing to do with you at all, so let it all go.

That may sound harsh, I don't mean it that way, I just want you to see that you're ruminating over stuff you can't control and nor does it make any difference what she thinks or what she does. What makes the difference is what you think and what you do. You made good choices to learn to accept your son the way he is, what others do with that information is not about you, it's about them. All you can do is handle your own responses, which you're doing, don't bring her or anyone else in to the dynamic, the three of them have their own fate, it's not your fate. Send them all good wishes and move on with your life. That's all that matters anyway. Take care of You.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Such great responses from COM and Recovering. To what they've posted, I will add that where you are now is in the middle part of a healing process. It happens every time we advance in our understanding of what is an appropriate response to our troubled kids. Someone else swoops in to save them.

Someone struggling with the same emotions and recriminations we have already come through explains their response to our child. We are left feeling less than in one sense, and numb in another.

At least that other mom still has hope.

She has not yet come to that place of understanding we have finally been pushed to.

It helped me to hope, right along with that other mom, that maybe she could perform that miracle I could not.

It takes more courage than I have sometimes, to choose, again and again, to cut myself free of hope, to stop helping/enabling.

But the other way didn't work.

So, for the sake of my children, I am detaching. I am learning that skill set. And it is way harder to hold back, to listen and remain present and not help, than it ever was to take some action, to take control of even the smallest things.

But I see my children changing, BG.

So, though it breaks my heart and changes my self concept to do it, it is my intention to continue practicing detachment.

But one of the very real costs of detachment that we seldom discuss here is the cost to us, as we morph into parents who turn away.

This is such a hard thing.

Like everything else surrounding the raising of a difficult child child, these kinds of choices will never have to be faced by those raising easy child kids -- who will become easy child adults, adults who will care for their own children. Those of us who have struggled through the raising of difficult child children?

Often find ourselves raising our own grandchildren.

You are doing so well with all of this, blackgnat.

I know this is hard, and is a crazy lonely place to be.

Recovering is right.

Be very good to yourself through this traumatic time.

Cedar

 

[GuideMe]

How can she not see this? Especially when her daughter is so similar to my son? Why does she feel that she should still be so invested in him? Is this a thinly-veiled criticism of ME? What does she see that I don't see about this situation?

Hmm, I'm thinking about this too. First thing that pops in my mind is your difficult child has manipulated her pretty well. difficult child's need to charm the pants off of those who can help them and also lie their butt's off to gain pity and sympathy from the people they can use, even if its just for sympathy. They need someone on their side, in their corner. So who knows what he said to her about you.

or

Next, why would she give up on her own daughter but fight for someone else's child? Unless, this is her way of gaining a confidant and a friend so she doesn't feel so alone in the matter. Some people put up false fronts about their intentions (I am so concerned about your son and not my own daughter), when in fact they are looking for something else. Maybe she has her own agenda.

or

Final thing, maybe self projection? She is finding herself living through you? Maybe she is so confused, beaten down and twisted up about everything that she isn't even thinking clearly.

 

[blackgnat]

Thank you so much, ladies for your thoughtful and supportive replies.

I DO get that I need to let go of why this woman is invested in my son. I just posted a new thread because things have now changed, with a phone call to my ex yesterday-difficult child is wending his way back to me. This mom has supposedly lent him the train fare to get back here. I don't believe this-I think he got it some other way...

But she texted me yesterday and said she wants to talk. Ugh. So the dance continues.

 

[blackgnat]

Why is it so hard to accept the idea that I need to take care of myself?

Sometimes when I am happy and things are going well, I have a kind of "survivor's guilt". Anyone know what I mean?

 

[recoveringenabler]

BG, I am seriously a recovering codependent and I know exactly what you are talking about. When all of our focus is on others, when we are always focused on the external, we have no real inner core of our own, we have to develop that core and nurture it. It's tough to learn to take care of ourselves.

And, that survivor guilt is real, especially with our kids. There was a point here on this board when I was having difficulty allowing myself to give to myself when my daughter had so little and was struggling along...........Calamity Jane, one of our warrior Mom's said to me, "what are you going to do RE, wear a hair shirt?" I had to look up what that was exactly, but when I did, I cracked up. I could see that image so clearly and what she meant by it. It became a visual for me that I could use whenever I felt that weird sense of it's not okay for me to be happy or have anything when my own child is struggling.

You are the only one who can change this for yourself BG, your son is making his own choices and you're being dragged around by them. Stop it. You don't have to go on that ride. He does because he is choosing to. You don't. Get off that merry go round right now.

You have to make the choice to take care of you. YOU have to do something to change it. My suggestion to you is to do something kind for yourself RIGHT NOW and begin to make different choices. Go to Australia. Go be with your best friend and enjoy your life. YOU DESERVE THAT. You deserve to be happy and healthy.

 

[DammitJanet]

One thing you may need to consider is that this woman may be a difficult child in her own right. My kids know exactly where I stand but Mandy's mother has been a drug addict for years and years. When they want something they know will never come from me they turn to her and she has no clue they are doing that. I may be strange but I dont even want to know this woman but lord if I dont run into her everywhere and she is always telling me how wonderful Cory is. yeah....uh huh. Sure. Well I guess when you have been doing coke your whole life he might seem okay. I dunno.

 

[dstc_99]

Option B is that your difficult child makes her difficult child look good. LOL Seriously though it may make it easier for her to say well my difficult child isn't that bad. Plus she may think that since her difficult child is less self destructive she has done a better job raising her than you did him. Twisted and stupid but I have seen it and felt it happen often.

I remember once I worked at a volunteer place and we had a volunteer who was consistently there and had been around forever. We all depended on her even though we were well aware she took advantage of the situation. She was difficult to deal with, sometimes mean, and took things home and or stored them away for her friends instead of putting them out for the public.

All that was overshadowed by the fact she knew what she was doing and was dependable. Many of the other volunteers werent and thought they could get away with doing the things she did without consequence. They often pushed it even further which made them look really bad and her look like an angel. Turned out we went through volunteers like crazy because this lady ran them off or taught them bad habits that got them asked to leave. Long story short the dependable lady was the bad apple but we couldn't see that through the weeds of all the less dependable volunteers. Things changed drastically as soon as she was told to leave.

Anyway your difficult child may be taking the light off of her difficult child for a change...