This really disturbed me
- Thread starter witzend
- Start date
Bean
Member
You make a solid point.
Star*
call 911........call 911
In all seriousness?
When your family, whether it is as a group or one on one is to the point that you start seeing a therapist for the chaos in your family dynamics? I believe that you at least have a better chance of some recovery over those who either denies there are any problems, and even further gets offended when someone who recognizes these warning signs mentions getting help, doesn't believe in therapy, or has no idea that there is a problem ie: this is a cycle of abuse that is handed down from generation to generation and is a normal part of family life for them.
In each case above, as parents we have a right to be safe in our own home. Our other children have a right to be safe in their home. Our pets have a right to be safe in their home. More to the point? The CHILD in question has a right to be safe in his/her own home, and if you continue to ignore the signs however subtle, don't document, don't report, don't ask, don't question the odd behaviors however subtle? Then I feel the burden does fall to the parent. Who else is going to know that the child is behaving oddly, or out of character other than a parent? By parent here; I mean any person, or persons that are raising the child whether you are natural, adoptive, foster, grandparent, aunt, whatever. Perhaps a teacher, but giving all power to a teacher is not the purpose in sending a child to school and having teachers that are not in communication with a parent about a childs behaviors and NOT educating a teacher about your childs behaviors in a meeting BEFORE the school year really gets rolling is ON YOU. Take time and make time or print out an explaination that states what the teacher can expect and work out an I.E.P. meeting so that there is an understanding of what can be done before things escalate to assist the child from taking his or her bad day home and carrying the mood on with you.
With that said - I'm no stranger to the fact that this isn't always the case and some kids do well at school, come home and flip out. Or that some kids do well at home and go to school and flip out. It's not an easy life, and we slept with our doors all dead bolted. ARE YOU KIDDING? No. Our therapist wrote in one of his reports to the State, since we qualified for assistance through our Governors office - and I quote "The childs behavior is such that I would not feel comfortable safe, nor be able to sleep if he were to spend one night in my home." unquote. There was more, but that sentence alone got us the help we needed to get Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement, and for the first time in years - a good nights sleep. We did lock up all knives, scissors, tools, we took all pictures off the wall - (oh yea - broken glass), any pens pencils, you can't imagine the things we would walk through our home and look at thinking - (weapon) and lock it up. We put bars on the shop window, 2 deadbolts. Got a safe for the valuables. Safe for the medications. I locked every door behind me even if I walked out of it for a split second. When I didn't? He saw it as a game, would rush in, grab anything, and rush out. It was unreal living with this child. We went to therapy 3 times a week. Once for him, Once for me, Once for family. It saved my life, and our family. Probably Dude too - although the reaction time has been like a boomerang - therapy for years is just now starting to be realized at 20 in him, and not all at once either. Bits and pieces. He's still Dude, but the responsibilty is coming around thanks to detachment, tough love AND therapy. Throwing him out of the house wasn't my idea of parenting either - but life can sometimes kick your butt better than grounding you. Life will shove your nose into the ground and say - Whenever you're ready to comply with the laws of the jungle? You can get up. It's extreme - but at this point? We had tried everything else and bottom line out there? You don't work, you don't eat - and there are way worse people to cheat you, and harm you and you find out really quick you aren't the baddest cat in life's litterbox - nor do you want to be.
Do I worry? Yes - I love my son with all my heart. Do I let it consume me? No. He's 20 - He is old enough to make his choices - heck, he was old enough to make choices long, long ago - and he did. Very wrong ones, no matter what guidance we gave him, no matter how many safety nets we put in place. Do I blame the medications, the doctors, the therapists, myself? Nope. Those things were his choice - and even if he HAS a disorder? He HAD extra, extra, extra help - and STILL chose to ignore what was right. At 20, he will tell you - HE messed up. Now he has the rest of his life to fix it. I'm glad he realizes that at his age. I'm also glad we stuck with years of therapy. He's not NEARLY as angry as he used to be. If he did ever come home for a visit would I sleep with my door open now? Yes.
When your family, whether it is as a group or one on one is to the point that you start seeing a therapist for the chaos in your family dynamics? I believe that you at least have a better chance of some recovery over those who either denies there are any problems, and even further gets offended when someone who recognizes these warning signs mentions getting help, doesn't believe in therapy, or has no idea that there is a problem ie: this is a cycle of abuse that is handed down from generation to generation and is a normal part of family life for them.
In each case above, as parents we have a right to be safe in our own home. Our other children have a right to be safe in their home. Our pets have a right to be safe in their home. More to the point? The CHILD in question has a right to be safe in his/her own home, and if you continue to ignore the signs however subtle, don't document, don't report, don't ask, don't question the odd behaviors however subtle? Then I feel the burden does fall to the parent. Who else is going to know that the child is behaving oddly, or out of character other than a parent? By parent here; I mean any person, or persons that are raising the child whether you are natural, adoptive, foster, grandparent, aunt, whatever. Perhaps a teacher, but giving all power to a teacher is not the purpose in sending a child to school and having teachers that are not in communication with a parent about a childs behaviors and NOT educating a teacher about your childs behaviors in a meeting BEFORE the school year really gets rolling is ON YOU. Take time and make time or print out an explaination that states what the teacher can expect and work out an I.E.P. meeting so that there is an understanding of what can be done before things escalate to assist the child from taking his or her bad day home and carrying the mood on with you.
With that said - I'm no stranger to the fact that this isn't always the case and some kids do well at school, come home and flip out. Or that some kids do well at home and go to school and flip out. It's not an easy life, and we slept with our doors all dead bolted. ARE YOU KIDDING? No. Our therapist wrote in one of his reports to the State, since we qualified for assistance through our Governors office - and I quote "The childs behavior is such that I would not feel comfortable safe, nor be able to sleep if he were to spend one night in my home." unquote. There was more, but that sentence alone got us the help we needed to get Residential Treatment Center (RTC) placement, and for the first time in years - a good nights sleep. We did lock up all knives, scissors, tools, we took all pictures off the wall - (oh yea - broken glass), any pens pencils, you can't imagine the things we would walk through our home and look at thinking - (weapon) and lock it up. We put bars on the shop window, 2 deadbolts. Got a safe for the valuables. Safe for the medications. I locked every door behind me even if I walked out of it for a split second. When I didn't? He saw it as a game, would rush in, grab anything, and rush out. It was unreal living with this child. We went to therapy 3 times a week. Once for him, Once for me, Once for family. It saved my life, and our family. Probably Dude too - although the reaction time has been like a boomerang - therapy for years is just now starting to be realized at 20 in him, and not all at once either. Bits and pieces. He's still Dude, but the responsibilty is coming around thanks to detachment, tough love AND therapy. Throwing him out of the house wasn't my idea of parenting either - but life can sometimes kick your butt better than grounding you. Life will shove your nose into the ground and say - Whenever you're ready to comply with the laws of the jungle? You can get up. It's extreme - but at this point? We had tried everything else and bottom line out there? You don't work, you don't eat - and there are way worse people to cheat you, and harm you and you find out really quick you aren't the baddest cat in life's litterbox - nor do you want to be.
Do I worry? Yes - I love my son with all my heart. Do I let it consume me? No. He's 20 - He is old enough to make his choices - heck, he was old enough to make choices long, long ago - and he did. Very wrong ones, no matter what guidance we gave him, no matter how many safety nets we put in place. Do I blame the medications, the doctors, the therapists, myself? Nope. Those things were his choice - and even if he HAS a disorder? He HAD extra, extra, extra help - and STILL chose to ignore what was right. At 20, he will tell you - HE messed up. Now he has the rest of his life to fix it. I'm glad he realizes that at his age. I'm also glad we stuck with years of therapy. He's not NEARLY as angry as he used to be. If he did ever come home for a visit would I sleep with my door open now? Yes.
Hound dog
Nana's are Beautiful
Janet you made a very valid point. When such points are made by someone who was a victim of abuse, the public really needs to sit up and take notice.
First parents were made to believe disciplining their kids was wrong and that cps would remove them. Then kids were taught the same things. Now it's teachers being told they aren't allowed to discipline students.
I'll never forget the day easy child came home from either kindergarden or 1st grade and told me I'd better not ever spank her again or she'd call the cops. At that point in time the child had possibly received 2 spankings, I think in her whole childhood a total of 5 maybe. I looked her dead in the eye and told her the day she did that she'd better pack her clothes because she would no longer be living with our family. I meant it. Her statement rubbed me totally wrong and rankled down to my marrow. I'll never forget it because my voice came out so quiet, hard and cold it made her cry. I even handed her the phone and told her to make the call. It made such an impact on Travis and Nichole who witnessed it, that the subject was never brought up again.
I will say that one of the reasons it rankled me so badly was just a couple of years before that I'd turned my life upside down to protect this same child......worked with cps in 3 states to do it.......and knew the garbage they were feeding her was a bald faced lie. Not that I'd have fallen for it to begin with.
I think what upsets me so much I guess is their excuses for doing such things is always to "protect". Hog wash. I came from an extremely abusive environment and even I managed to realize the importance of discipline........and that there is an enormous difference between discipline and abuse.
I'm also not one to excuse behavior simply because of someone's background or illness. Bottom line we all have a choice.
First parents were made to believe disciplining their kids was wrong and that cps would remove them. Then kids were taught the same things. Now it's teachers being told they aren't allowed to discipline students.
I'll never forget the day easy child came home from either kindergarden or 1st grade and told me I'd better not ever spank her again or she'd call the cops. At that point in time the child had possibly received 2 spankings, I think in her whole childhood a total of 5 maybe. I looked her dead in the eye and told her the day she did that she'd better pack her clothes because she would no longer be living with our family. I meant it. Her statement rubbed me totally wrong and rankled down to my marrow. I'll never forget it because my voice came out so quiet, hard and cold it made her cry. I even handed her the phone and told her to make the call. It made such an impact on Travis and Nichole who witnessed it, that the subject was never brought up again.
I will say that one of the reasons it rankled me so badly was just a couple of years before that I'd turned my life upside down to protect this same child......worked with cps in 3 states to do it.......and knew the garbage they were feeding her was a bald faced lie. Not that I'd have fallen for it to begin with.
I think what upsets me so much I guess is their excuses for doing such things is always to "protect". Hog wash. I came from an extremely abusive environment and even I managed to realize the importance of discipline........and that there is an enormous difference between discipline and abuse.
I'm also not one to excuse behavior simply because of someone's background or illness. Bottom line we all have a choice.
witzend
Well-Known Member
And how many times when we told professionals that we were frightened of our children did they look at us as though we were abusive monsters for even suggesting it? Or worse yet, in our case, did they assume that we deserved to be frightened of our child because our child had told some grandiose lie of past abuse? I feel awful for the child in this article. How do you live your entire life knowing you've killed the only person who ever cared about you, and most likely no one ever will really care about you again? I know there is so much about this that we don't really know, but somehow I feel like we do.
