Thoughts about forgiving myself and my son

[MissLulu]

Apologies to all if my replies seem tardy. I'm in Australia, so I'm sleeping while most of you are awake. It's so lovely to wake up to all your replies!

Busy, I downloaded the book and have read 20%. So far it is good. I'll say more when I'm finished it.

 

[BusynMember1]

Thanks!!!

 

[MissLulu]

Busy, thank you so much for suggesting the book. I finished it today. I read all afternoon when I should have been working! (I work for myself from home.)

Reading this book has soothed me in a way nothing else has. Don’t get me wrong - it was a heartbreaking read, and I cried many times - but this man has survived and now has peace in his life. I feel there is hope for me (for all of us!) too.

 

[BusynMember1]

Miss Lulu, thanks for critiquing this book.i was afraid to read it. Now I am going to. I am glad it helped you. Thebfather did seem rather amazing in the documentary.

 

[WiseChoices]

(((((MissLuLu)))))
First, hugs to you. I related to your post. Your pain is palpable.

I learned in Al-Anon that feelings are not facts.

I spent years being beaten down by my feelings of (misplaced) guilt and shame. It never did anything for me but erode my self esteem even further. It did not change my kids. It did not make me a better person. It did not help me to change.

When I let go of the guilt and shame througj the 12 steps in Al-Anon, my life started to shift. I understand now that I did the best i could do with the tools I had at the time. When I accept that, I have a platform from which to grow and change. I can accumulate new and better tools. Guilt and shame freeze me into place and render me ineffective in my own life.

Once in a while, I return back to those old feelings. But I know they are not true. I carry a lot of shame that is not mine to begin with. Shame I took on from my abusers, my family of origin. By releasing my resentment, forgiving everyone, I take my power back. I leave the shame where it belongs .

My kids are also doing the best they can do right now with the tools they have. And I can "help" by modeling what it looks like to be an adult with my current understanding of what that means (reading a good book called "How to be an adult - a handbook on psychological and spiritual integration" by David Richo) :caring/tending for/to myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I find that when I do that, I have less time to focus on others. I exercise daily, eat well, get enough sleep/rest .I go to doctor's appointments, teeth cleanings, use lovely smelling lotions and aromatherapy on my body .I process my emotions to the best of my ability, I go to Al-Anon meetings, I call my sponsor, I call friends, I share here, I journal. I allow my feelings more and more and no longer use coping mechanisms so much to make the feelings go away. And spiritually, I pray and meditate pretty much daily and try to maintain conscious contact with my Higher Power throughout the day. I attend Unity on Sundays to get spiritual nourishment. I read Al-Anon literature daily. I only have control over my thoughts which result in my feelings which result in action I take. The thoughts , feelings , and actions of others are none of my business. I seek to create a bubble for myself, an insulation in which I can stay safe and content no matter what wars rage outside of me. I also have a small(er) amount of control over my immediate environment. It helps my depression and anxiety to have a clean, orderly environment and so I follow the FlyLady program to keep my surroundings nice for me.

I do this for me. But what it might teach my kids is how to take care of themselves. I can only role model to them what I think being an adult looks like. They may emulate some of it, they may not. But I am doing my part when I am the best version of me today with what I have got. I will continue to learn, study and strive forward.

Please be good to yourself. Kindness and being gentle with ourselves does not come easy to Mother's like us. But we can slowly and patiently move towards self love and s realization that we are all spiritual beings having a human experience. I have a spark of the divine flowing through me and what a miracle is it that I am here? When I live with that sense of gratitude and inner knowing , I can be on a mission to spread G_d's love to all I come in contact with but only giving that which overflows out of my own cup after l have tended to myself and filled my cup.

Blessings and love to you. Peace !

 

[Copabanana]

Profound:

I spent years being beaten down by my feelings of (misplaced) guilt and shame. It never did anything for me but erode my self esteem even further.

I carry a lot of shame that is not mine to begin with. Shame I took on from my abusers, my family of origin. By releasing my resentment, forgiving everyone, I take my power back. I leave the shame where it belongs .

"How to be an adult - a handbook on psychological and spiritual integration" by David Richo) :caring/tending for/to myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

I exercise daily, eat well, get enough sleep/rest .I go to doctor's appointments, teeth cleanings, use lovely smelling lotions and aromatherapy on my body .I process my emotions to the best of my ability, I go to Al-Anon meetings, I call my sponsor, I call friends, I share here, I journal.

I allow my feelings more and more and no longer use coping mechanisms so much to make the feelings go away.

And spiritually, I pray and meditate pretty much daily and try to maintain conscious contact with my Higher Power

I attend Unity on Sundays to get spiritual nourishment.

. I seek to create a bubble for myself, an insulation in which I can stay safe and content no matter

It helps my depression and anxiety to have a clean, orderly environment and so I follow the FlyLady program to keep my surroundings nice for me.

I will continue to learn, study and strive forward.

I have a spark of the divine flowing through me and what a miracle is it that I am here?

When I live with that sense of gratitude and inner knowing , I can be on a mission to spread G_d's love to all

Thank you.

 

[MissLulu]

(((((MissLuLu)))))
First, hugs to you. I related to your post. Your pain is palpable.

I learned in Al-Anon that feelings are not facts.

I spent years being beaten down by my feelings of (misplaced) guilt and shame. It never did anything for me but erode my self esteem even further. It did not change my kids. It did not make me a better person. It did not help me to change.

When I let go of the guilt and shame througj the 12 steps in Al-Anon, my life started to shift. I understand now that I did the best i could do with the tools I had at the time. When I accept that, I have a platform from which to grow and change. I can accumulate new and better tools. Guilt and shame freeze me into place and render me ineffective in my own life.

Once in a while, I return back to those old feelings. But I know they are not true. I carry a lot of shame that is not mine to begin with. Shame I took on from my abusers, my family of origin. By releasing my resentment, forgiving everyone, I take my power back. I leave the shame where it belongs .

My kids are also doing the best they can do right now with the tools they have. And I can "help" by modeling what it looks like to be an adult with my current understanding of what that means (reading a good book called "How to be an adult - a handbook on psychological and spiritual integration" by David Richo) :caring/tending for/to myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I find that when I do that, I have less time to focus on others. I exercise daily, eat well, get enough sleep/rest .I go to doctor's appointments, teeth cleanings, use lovely smelling lotions and aromatherapy on my body .I process my emotions to the best of my ability, I go to Al-Anon meetings, I call my sponsor, I call friends, I share here, I journal. I allow my feelings more and more and no longer use coping mechanisms so much to make the feelings go away. And spiritually, I pray and meditate pretty much daily and try to maintain conscious contact with my Higher Power throughout the day. I attend Unity on Sundays to get spiritual nourishment. I read Al-Anon literature daily. I only have control over my thoughts which result in my feelings which result in action I take. The thoughts , feelings , and actions of others are none of my business. I seek to create a bubble for myself, an insulation in which I can stay safe and content no matter what wars rage outside of me. I also have a small(er) amount of control over my immediate environment. It helps my depression and anxiety to have a clean, orderly environment and so I follow the FlyLady program to keep my surroundings nice for me.

I do this for me. But what it might teach my kids is how to take care of themselves. I can only role model to them what I think being an adult looks like. They may emulate some of it, they may not. But I am doing my part when I am the best version of me today with what I have got. I will continue to learn, study and strive forward.

Please be good to yourself. Kindness and being gentle with ourselves does not come easy to Mother's like us. But we can slowly and patiently move towards self love and s realization that we are all spiritual beings having a human experience. I have a spark of the divine flowing through me and what a miracle is it that I am here? When I live with that sense of gratitude and inner knowing , I can be on a mission to spread G_d's love to all I come in contact with but only giving that which overflows out of my own cup after l have tended to myself and filled my cup.

Blessings and love to you. Peace !

Thank you for your kind and wise words. I will look for the book.

 

[MissLulu]

Oh my. This is exactly how I feel. My husband and I raised both our sons, praying that each would turn out to be godly, caring, responsible human beings who love and respect their parents. Our youngest is mostly this way, but Josh, our oldest is nothing like the young man I dreamed of raising. He is a profane, disrespectful, uncaring person right now. So much so that I've had to break off contact (mostly). As recently as last Friday, he texted me, calling me filthy and profane names. I feel both anger that someone could treat their mother this way and grief and sorrow that someone would live with this much rage and hostility in their heart. That must be a horrible way to live. My heart breaks for my son, but at the same time, I too am beaten down by it and am exhibiting some of the symptoms of post-trauma. I know that I have to be responsible enough not to allow myself to be emotionally battered by someone, even someone I love as much as I love Josh.



I too once believed this. Now, of course, I know that this simply isn't true. But yet the shame is still there. I have actually cut off contact with friends of mine from the past who knew Josh as he was growing up because I can't deal with the questions about how he is doing, what he is doing, etc., or with seeing how their kids are living "normal" lives. It's just too painful.

Thanks for posting what you did. It was well-written and expressed my feelings so well.

Busynmember--I too found this "comforting." Not that someone else's pain is comforting, but for someone to do something so horrible and so inexplicable, despite having come from a stable home, is a comforting thing. I will look for this documentary.

Beta, I have now read the book, Refuse to Drown, and I found it heartbreaking, yet drew comfort from it as well. The author has survived and has found his way to peace. Whilst I do not take comfort in his suffering, there is some relief in knowing that we are not alone and that we can survive whatever our wayward children throw at us. Just mentioning this as I thought you might get something from it too.

 

[MissLulu]

Gosh do I hear this! Beaten down, indeed. A lot of my life had a gray cloud over it. Oftentimes I just wanted one hour of joy. One happy moment that wasn't clouded by worries, fear, embarrassment, hurt... I'm learning, though, and finding more of that here and there.

The forgiveness piece is difficult, isn't it? I get down on myself for my inability to fully forgive.

ChickPea, thanks for making me feel less alone with this. It really does help to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this stuff.

 

[Blindsided]

Thanks so much for your kind words, Blindsided. For me, it seems to be one step forward and ten steps back. But reading the posts here each day really does help to give me strength and also to feel less alone with it all.

We take those baby steps with great caution. I try not to dwell on the steps back unless I can use them as a learning experience to make bigger strides forward. Not always good at it, but when I am, I feel a weight lift off my shoulders. I am thinking of you.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi MissLuLu,

I'm so glad you are here with us!

I feel as if being the parent of a child that behaves like mine cancels out every good thing I've ever done. (I realise this is not true, but it's how I FEEL, rather than how I THINK.

Please understand that "feelings" have no power unless we give them power.
Know what is true! You loved your son and raised him the very best you could. That is enough.

I also feel as if I'm being punished for being judgemental in the past. I used to believe that kids who behave the way my son does must have had a bad upbringing or some other sort of trauma in their childhood to account for their behaviour.

I think this is a very normal reaction but not warranted.

There are many stories of people being raised in very loving homes who end up difficult and there are also many stories of people who grew up in total dysfunction who end up being responsible. How our children turn out is not always a reflection upon us.

There is a saying about living in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) when we start to recognize this for what it is, we can then start coming out of the FOG.

Keep reading others posts and keep posting.

 

[MissLulu]

Hi MissLuLu,

I'm so glad you are here with us!


Please understand that "feelings" have no power unless we give them power.
Know what is true! You loved your son and raised him the very best you could. That is enough.


I think this is a very normal reaction but not warranted.

There are many stories of people being raised in very loving homes who end up difficult and there are also many stories of people who grew up in total dysfunction who end up being responsible. How our children turn out is not always a reflection upon us.

There is a saying about living in the FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) when we start to recognize this for what it is, we can then start coming out of the FOG.

Keep reading others posts and keep posting.

Thanks for the lovely welcome, Tanya. I'm so glad to be here. I read the posts every day, even when I don't find time to respond. I feel blessed to have found you all. I'm still in the FOG, but I'm working on it!! xx