Threatening email

[Waitingforamiracle]

Been waiting for this. My son (25) just sent me this email:
"I’ve been struggling financially because of you and (name)'s emotional neglect for years. You have given my sister thousands even though she’s almost 30. You need to send me money regularly or I’m going to be forced to come back.
Bank details are below and please do not reply to this email. My rent is £XXXX per month". (yes, four figures)
'Coming back' is a threat as he knows I'm scared of him. I think he is planning to return, and probably soon. This is a threat! What do I do?

 

[BusynMember1]

I am sorry but I think you have to protect yourself and refuse to let him boss you around. It's not his house. He can't come home if you won't let him.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Thank you Busy. We are in such a bind because he wants money OR threatens to come home AND says we can't reply to his abusive and threatening email!! I would be willing to send him some money if he communicated with us in a respectful way. As it is I am more inclined to forward it to the police. I am so mad I want to disown him altogether. He doesn't care about us.

 

[BusynMember1]

I wouldn't give him a dime. Nothing. I would not allow him into your home. If you do he will continue to bully and threaten you and you WILL need the police. I think it's important you don't allow him to do what he threatens to do. He IS threatening you. Block his number if you have to. His email gives me a bad feeling. Please be careful. Do call the cops if he is scaring you.

Hugs and prayers. I am so sorry.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Been waiting for this. My son (25) just sent me this email:
"I’ve been struggling financially because of you and (name)'s emotional neglect for years. You have given my sister thousands even though she’s almost 30. You need to send me money regularly or I’m going to be forced to come back.
Bank details are below and please do not reply to this email. My rent is £XXXX per month". (yes, four figures)
'Coming back' is a threat as he knows I'm scared of him. I think he is planning to return, and probably soon. This is a threat! What do I do?

My advice:

Do.Not.Respond.
Change your locks and/or do everything you can do to make your house absolutely safe. Make certain there is no way he can sneak in and be waiting when you return from work. If you find him on your property or in your home, call the police.

This is not okay.

I hope you are feeling a bit steadier by now. Those emails, texts, calls out of the blue always through husband and me for a loop. It was on this forum that I learned to ignore any communications that are not friendly and respectful.That change on our part made a huge difference in our well-being.

Stay close to the forum and be strong. Put yourself first.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

I wouldn't give him a dime. Nothing. I would not allow him into your home. If you do he will continue to bully and threaten you and you WILL need the police. I think it's important you don't allow him to do what he threatens to do. He IS threatening you. Block his number if you have to. His email gives me a bad feeling. Please be careful. Do call the cops if he is scaring you.

Hugs and prayers. I am so sorry.

Thank you Busy! I feel so scared ad shaken up by this. My husband has a health issue and the stress is not good for both of us. Yes I will make some security changes, per haps get the police to advise and this way let them know about the issue. Have been dithering about whether to respond or send money or ignore.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

My advice:

Do.Not.Respond.
Change your locks and/or do everything you can do to make your house absolutely safe. Make certain there is no way he can sneak in and be waiting when you return from work. If you find him on your property or in your home, call the police.

This is not okay.

I hope you are feeling a bit steadier by now. Those emails, texts, calls out of the blue always through husband and me for a loop. It was on this forum that I learned to ignore any communications that are not friendly and respectful.That change on our part made a huge difference in our well-being.

Stay close to the forum and be strong. Put yourself first.

Thank you so much Seeking! I am going to review the security in the house. He lives in a high rent city and I believe that supporting young adults with their rent is a reasonable thing to do. But he's going the wrong way about it and preventing us from pointing that out. Also we have both stopped work early due to stress and ill health and are now living on tiny pensions until the state pension kicks in when we are 67.
I may be wrong about his return, but I do want to let him know that he can't return here even if he is evicted. He came home when he was 21 and 23 and both times we had to get the police to escort him away after multiple 'meltdowns', breakages, threats and intimidating behaviour, coupled with a refusal to accept either individual or family therapy. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Not going to be fooled a third time, we both agreed it would probably kill us!

 

[BusynMember1]

Ignore. If you do as he says he will continue to terrorize you, upgrading his demands.. This is criminal and I would consider showing the cops. Do you have any sort of security alarm system in your home? We got one and feel much safer.

Side note. Your son is able bodied and can move to a place where the rent is not high. in my opinion most 25 year olds should support themselves. Is their government help? My daughter finally had to drop the ego and accept government help. So what? We can't support them at this age. He will expectore and more. We know first hand.

You know that you did NOT neglect him all his life but he certainly isn't treating you two with caring or love. YOU are his victims now..

I promise not to say this a fourth time: Don't allow him in your house. No blackmailing money...he is threatening you. Our daughter can never live in our home again. It is our sanctuary. She is very unpredictable and even violent.

I would not read his emails or social media. That at least helps us.

Protect yourselves. Who threatens his/her parents? That is a red flag for danger. Kay did it too. But we refused to let her back.

God be with you. Stay safe anyway you have to

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Ignore. If you do as he says he will continue to terrorize you, upgrading his demands.. This is criminal and I would consider showing the cops. Do you have any sort of security alarm system in your home? We got one and feel much safer.

Side note. Your son is able bodied and can move to a place where the rent is not high. in my opinion most 25 year olds should support themselves. Is their government help? My daughter finally had to drop the ego and accept government help. So what? We can't support them at this age. He will expectore and more. We know first hand.

You know that you did NOT neglect him all his life but he certainly isn't treating you two with caring or love. YOU are his victims now..

I promise not to say this a fourth time: Don't allow him in your house. No blackmailing money...he is threatening you. Our daughter can never live in our home again. It is our sanctuary. She is very unpredictable and even violent.

I would not read his emails or social media. That at least helps us.

Protect yourselves. Who threatens his/her parents? That is a red flag for danger. Kay did it too. But we refused to let her back.

God be with you. Stay safe anyway you have to

Thank you again Busy! Don't mind how many times you repeat yourself - rest assured I have NO intention of letting him in. It's his turning up or breaking in and scaring the s*** out of me is what concerns me the most. I am trying to think of a way of answering him that would deter him from doing so, as not answering would seem to be inviting him back, in his crazy mind-set. However, I will ask the police for advice about that as I am about to log the email with them.I do it with a heavy heart as I know everyone in my position here feels that this is a betrayal of their once-dear sons. Will keep you posted. Thanks so much for responding! Xx

 

[BusynMember1]

Look, remember, your son is 25. He is betraying you and frightening you. I wish I had figured this out with my daughter earlier.

Keep us posted.

 

[JayPee]

In my opinion, the best thing you can do is detach. I know you feel afraid because no communication makes you wonder and worry what he is up to. I would only reply if to say "the police have been alerted to your threats on our safety and well-being" and then block him.

They say whatever they can to keep us interacting with them because they think if they wear us down (which they so often do) that we will give in to their demands of money.

Echoing what Busy said, change the locks, get even a simple security camera for entrance ways at least and be alert when coming and going from your home and to and from your car. You're willing to potentially send money for rent, so why not invest in some cameras which may give you some peace of mind when at home and away?

Please be careful.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Thanks so much JayPee and Busy for your replies. I have logged the email with the police (they classed it as domestic abuse) and they will be sending someone around to follow it up, I will ask for a security check and advice then. I did also answer son's email, telling him he cannot stay with us under any circumstances and that the email had been reported as intimidation. I also added that we would be willing to talk about support, if he was prepared to be friendly in his (remote!) communication with us. As the message was not accompanied by cash I expect this reply just made him hopping mad, but I have at least stated the facts and established a boundary or two. If he sends me another horrible message I will block him. Will keep you posted!

 

[RN0441]

Welcome

I agree with the others. He is being a jerk and I would not respond to anything he says.

You did not mention what is going on with him. Is he on drugs, or is he mentally ill or both?

I hope he does not live close to you.

We cut off communication with our son for some time when he was destructive to himself and us. At the time I did not know how it would end or if he would die but I put the situation and him in God's hands because His will will prevail. Thankfully by us setting firm boundaries, he realized he would not have ANY family if he did not change.

And he did change.

Please keep posting. You will get great support and advice here. You are doing the right thing by caring for yourselves and NOT being anyone's victim.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Welcome

I agree with the others. He is being a jerk and I would not respond to anything he says.

You did not mention what is going on with him. Is he on drugs, or is he mentally ill or both?

I hope he does not live close to you.

We cut off communication with our son for some time when he was destructive to himself and us. At the time I did not know how it would end or if he would die but I put the situation and him in God's hands because His will will prevail. Thankfully by us setting firm boundaries, he realized he would not have ANY family if he did not change.

And he did change.

Please keep posting. You will get great support and advice here. You are doing the right thing by caring for yourselves and NOT being anyone's victim.

Thanks so much RN - your signature story gives me hope and you are so right about the boundaries. I am lucky in that he has never taken drugs afaik. He is mildly autistic I am sure. He lacks empathy to the extreme and fits the description of Borderline (BPD) (Borderline). I don't think he is mentally ill apart from the personality disorder BUT he will pretend he is to get attention. He currently lives in a big city about 4 hours away and we live in a quiet rural area. There is no sense in his returning here and I will underline that to him every chance I get that he cannot stay here so there would be no point making the journey just to be turned away.
Update: Yes, I gave in to my guilt and sent him a month's rent, (mostly because we had told him when we made him leave last year that we would help him with a deposit or rent to help him on his way. He didn't respond to this, just left in a rage.) I felt so much better after doing so, but I guess it was like someone having a cigarette after having given up for a year - good in the moment but disastrous for long term health!
I received a reply from him thanking me and wondering if we could open communications. I followed up with the statement that I had been angered and scared by his first email, that the money is a one off, we are now retired and with a low income, that we would do the same by him as we had done by his sister in terms of help, that if he proved he had a constructive plan for his future we MIGHT help him again, and we wished him well.
He answered with a fairly polite and appreciative email but with no apology, and still referring to his father disrespectfully by his first name. He says he's trying to figure things out and that perhaps I'll be able to help him with this. I suspect he is trying to divide us and enmesh me into giving more by being nice and I am on my guard. I am going to answer minimally and leave it up to him to reach out with ?perhaps? something like, asking how members of the family are? How his granny is after losing her husband? How his father's medical condition is progressing? Not holding my breath...
You may be thinking, how can I even think of doing this after his awful behaviour? The answer is practical. If he was evicted he might return. It's in all our interests to keep his head above water and I'm gambling between enabling and buying him and us some time to think about how to do it.
I have been sent a really helpful email by our local Domestic abuse team and will be working with their advice and the police's advice in mind. Dealing with my son has always been like handling an atomic bomb but I hope you good folks will forgive me for caving in and sending the cash. I realise that he needs to solve his own problems from now on or he will never gain independence. I will not do it again!! I will stay strong, I promise!
(Do let me know if you think I'm mad or stupid, I can take fair comment! )

 

[Nandina]

Waiting, of course you’re not mad or stupid for giving him the money as you did, and I hope no one here would chastise you for doing what was best for you and your son in the moment. We all have times like those and our own reasons for doing things perhaps slightly differently than other folks. No problem.

You recognize what enabling is and you have guarded against that. You understand boundaries, have put some in place and it looks like you’ve got the authorities assisting you as well on how to deal with your son.

It sounds to me like you’re on the right path. We all know how hard it is. You will get no judgment from me, that’s for sure!

Hugs, and stay safe. Keep us posted.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Thank you so much Nandina. Will do! Xx

 

[JayPee]

Gosh Waiting…please know that’s the beauty of this forum. No one is here to judge you. As I’ve heard in Alanon before “no one graduates from this”. This is a lifelong struggle for us.

Just know that we all understand your heartache.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Thanks so much JayPee. Of course I know none of you will judge. Just don't hold back on your feedback!!
This forum has helped me for a far longer time than I have been a presence here.
Prayers and hugs for all of us with hurting mommy (or daddy, granny, and all caring) hearts x

 

[BusynMember1]

It's a good idea to buy yourself time to decide what to do. If you are looking for tools I recommended buying SESH from Nar Anon or Amazon and seeing a private therapist or talk to your person if faith, if you have one. I would not plan to keep paying his bills if this were my child. I'd probably find ways to be sure that he absolutely can't get inside the house. His threat should not be able to happen. Our kids who frighten us should be legally unable to see us. Nobody has a right to threaten us. I know it's hard. It was for us. But life is so much better now. We were afraid of Kay. She had the ability to get violent. Scaring us is NOT okay and we should in my opinion make sure they can't.

I send prayers and love.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Thank you Busy, You are of course right. We had a good chat with a police officer last night who advised us that if he did it again we would be able to escalate it into a crime. We don't want to ruin his life so if he did it again I would tell him that that was his last chance, we were blocking him, not to contact us again and that if he ignored that and sent a third intimidating message we would automatically escalate it and he would be receiving a visit from the city police.
As well as this, we are upgrading security on our home and remainng vigilant. But until that happens, I am holding out that maybe this time he will realise he needs to sort himself out. He's never been actually violent, just manipulative, psychologically abusive and creates drama. I think it's incredibly childish and stems from a sense of powerlessness. But as he gets older I do worry that his mental state may deteriorate, or on the other hand he may be just shamming his "crazy" state and pull himself together. I want to give him this chance. I am on my guard and realise I'm probably on to a loser here...