Threatening email

[RN0441]

Sounds like you are getting lots of feedback on your post! That is great and what we all are seeking when we come here.

I agree that no one will punish you for doing what you feel is best. We all just try to protect one another from things we cannot see when we're in the thick of it. That is surely what happened to me anyway. I don't know where I'd be without the folks on this forum and their advice. Probably in a straightjacket on a nutty farm....

 

[BusynMember1]

Sweet Mom, I thought forever that this time it will be different. Please don't have that expectation. It's dangerous. They get get 100 chances and they don't tend to change. And that means we are in danger.

One other thing I learned in Nar Anon. You can't ruin his life. HE is the only one who can ruin his life. He does that by threatening you or maybe even a stranger, forcing police involvement for the safety of others. You calling the police because he is intimidating you is him doing the harm, not you.

Our "just once more and maybe she will get it," never happened here nor to 99 percent of the stories I've read here. Maybe read here. Go back. I read a lot before posting. There are FB groups for difficult adult children too. There are many forums.

Just be safe and stay in touch. Hugs.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Sweet Mom, I thought forever that this time it will be different. Please don't have that expectation. It's dangerous. They get get 100 chances and they don't tend to change. And that means we are in danger.

One other thing I learned in Nar Anon. You can't ruin his life. HE is the only one who can ruin his life. He does that by threatening you or maybe even a stranger, forcing police involvement for the safety of others. You calling the police because he is intimidating you is him doing the harm, not you.

Our "just once more and maybe she will get it," never happened here nor to 99 percent of the stories I've read here. Maybe read here. Go back. I read a lot before posting. There are FB groups for difficult adult children too. There are many forums.

Just be safe and stay in touch. Hugs.

Thanks again Busy. That is a very good point about the harm he does by his own actions. It's so very hard to enforce consequences. My husband is even more reluctant to land him in the s*** with the police. But at least we have this in our back pocket. This may make you smile, I asked a relative who is known for her tough stance what I should do, she said, "I'd take that money and hire someone to beat him up!" Lol. Needless to say we are too soft ( and haven't the contacts ) to do so!

 

[BusynMember1]

Oh hon. We are way too soft and did nothing for ten years. She was the one we catered to, spent money on and worried about. We had no time for anyone else. She would steal all the oxygen out of the room. We have two other kids who got little attention because they always did well. Is that fair?

For our daughter, because we didn't want her in our house but didn't want her homeless, we first bought her a house but she lost it, then tried a mobile home and she and her worthless husband got thrown off the lot for fighting and drugs and then we paid rent and they also got thrown out. My husband and I were near divorce. We seperated. Then desperate I joined NarAnon and marital therapy.

That's when I confronted my codependency honestly and we cut her off. Completely. She was furious and disowned us but the rest of the family recovered and we apologized to our other kids. Kay also had a child and gave him to her sister. My grandson!

Now she is living in a motorhome (old one) half way across the country on Disability and other government programs.

Not all stories end like Kay. I would read a lot and go to FB groups too. Therapy was great for us. Most of all, we all tend to neglect ourselves and some of us forget that our troubled kids are adults. They have no right to terrorize us. It's horrible of them. We don't have to allow it. They only treat us as badly as we let them. It's our call.

Keep us posted!!!

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Update: Hi lovely folks. We are in a (somewhat reluctant) email dialogue with son. He has called us mom and dad. He said he was missing having a family. (owch!) he also slipped in a couple of accusatory comments. Husband is giving me pep talks all day saying don't reply, don't respond except blandly. I am wasting days writing and rewriting 3 line emails. He's doing some things right, he's been independent for a year, I think he still has a girlfriend, he's got a job and a flat (albeit a very expensive one.) I don't want to jeopardise the progress made, but don't want to enable.

 

[JayPee]

Waiting...You are like most of us here who want to soak up a moment of being treated as we should. How we settle for simply being called Mom & Dad. Like that's some big moment in time. We are so used to being called names and verbally abused and pulverized into a million pieces when they tell us things like, "you help me "bare minimum" only so you can feel like a good person". Bare minimum? Most of us have paid rent, bought cars, food, etc. They hurt us and attack us verbally when things don't go their way.

I've received the "nice" texts that treat me as I should always be treated and if I didn't respond in a timely manner as if all was well and nothing happened, then the next text, all bets were off. Trust me if you give it much longer without replying, he's likely going to lash out at you. It's just oddly enough how it seems to go. They give you a little time to see if they've sweet talked you into giving them money and when there's no timely reply, they are ugly and angry again.

I'm not telling you what you should or shouldn't do but don't get lost in a moment in time thinking he's feeling all the things you're feeling. In my opinion, there has been no "healing" time on his part to get better since just a few days ago when he was threatening you. Real changes, that are permanent and long lasting take time.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Thank you JayPee, I understand! It's a gamble. I can't give up on the progress he's made as I feel I'm somewhat protected by being iron-clad on the not coming home issue. That is the biggie, and I also am not going to throw money at him. We are prepared to help IF he continues to be polite and demonstrates he has a constructive plan for his future. (Such as doing some vocational training). He's never shown academic aptitude (ADHD?) and arts careers are no longer on the table especially with Covid and all. I thought he could be an actor. He certainly could have won an Oscar for some of the performances I've witnessed! It's a pity, as he did show a lot of flair for photography and music as a teen, he's flamboyant and fashionable and has had some modelling jobs. We were ready to help pay for him through design school which he enrolled for at 20 (he had places at several good schools.) But he dropped out and said he never wanted to be a designer. He's 25 now and we've retired. Options are limited. I look at our neighbours and there are nurses, there are mechanics and electrical engineers. Unfortunately we ourselves and my parents were in the arts and we managed to get by, though our standard of living was less than the average. It's a romantic dream and not a great example to set. The difference was I always knew there was no safety net for me. Will keep you posted! X

 

[BusynMember1]

Omg. Are they all related?

by the way, Kay was musically.gifted in every way and chose to throw that in the garbage to marry her useless husband.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Sorry Busy! Don't quite get it, I probably wasn't being very clear. Are what all related? : )

 

[BusynMember1]

The kids here...hehe.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Ohhh! Haha - Yes in a way they are I think. It's that internet generation that has 'baby boomers' for parents, who wanted them to have everything they didn't, the narrative that we, the parents, are all 'narcissistic abusers', plus the narrative that says the 'boomers' have everything and they have nothing, no free education, no housing and in some ways they are right there. The pop psychology that says one child is the 'golden' one, the favourite, and the other is the 'scapegoat'... Added to that, all the modern ills of society which are too depressing to list. I could go on, but I want y'all to have a GOOD day today! Sending positive thoughts and love love love above all, to our lost children, and us. My only thought is love will find a way, somehow. G-d is love.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Interesting. We first heard of "scapegoat child" when our Difficult Child told us that was the way he was treated. While we knew what scapegoat meant, I remember looking up the term scapegoat child. We had never heard the term before. Since then, we have been accused of that dozens of times.

While we knew it was not true, we hadn't figured out it was pop psychology. Make sense.

Our son is 40yo, by the way.

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Interesting. We first heard of "scapegoat child" when our Difficult Child told us that was the way he was treated. While we knew what scapegoat meant, I remember looking up the term scapegoat child. We had never heard the term before. Since then, we have been accused of that dozens of times.

While we knew it was not true, we hadn't figured out it was pop psychology. Make sense.

Our son is 40yo, by the way.

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Putting the cart before the horse...it's THEIR behaviour, not ours, that leads to them being treated differently!

 

[Crayola13]

I definitely agree rent has gone up sky high anywhere in this whole nation. He’s going to have to settle for someone renting a room out their house for much less. It blows my mind how a mortgage payment can be the same price as an apartment,

 

[BusynMember1]

Depends on where you live. Apartments in our rural areas here can be $600 month with two bedrooms. If you have no money, why live in a high priced city? You have to make sacrifices. And if YOU his mother are expected to pay, he can be a lot more considerate than living in some high priced area. My daughter, after we stopped paying her bills, found cheap housing. Now if Kay wants or needs to move out of her old delapidated mobile home, she qualifies to be on a list for low income housing.

Eventually we all need to remember that in the end they are making bad choices and demanding that we fund those bad choices. None of us will live forever though.

Long before we're gone most of us learn detachment and shut down the Bank of Dad and Mom. It can take time.

Hugs.

 

[JMom]

Hi Waiting,

Something that helped me when my son was addicted and acting out was to ask myself-"what would you do if a stranger/friend or acquaintance did this to you (said this to you)? Would it change how you react? We can often get caught up in the love side of things. We, as parents have a longing to provide food, shelter, and clothing. Would you provide those things to someone who did this to you or your family, if they were not your children?

I completely understand buying time. We have probably all done it a time or two or three. I encourage you to see a counselor to gain strength. I am proud of you for going to the police. I have done it and it is gut-wrenching but sometimes necessary.

If you feel the need to balance what help you have given your daughter with that of your son, perhaps scale it back to something matching his skills. Does he work? If so, what can he afford? You might be doing him a favor to teach him to live within his means. You will not always be there to be so generous. I doubt anyone will step forward to pay his rent when you are unwilling or unable.

I am astounded by your generosity. I sense that you are someone that the children (young adults) lean on for advice, care, concern, and financial stability. Please know that you are STILL that person, even if you have to withhold or limit funds. I am proud of you for reaching out. We have all leaned on one another for support here. Continue to visit, share and keep us updated. I think you are on the right path and have no doubt that you will be stronger than ever in no time.
Hugs,
JMOM

 

[Waitingforamiracle]

Thanks so much JMom. I'm just reading (as I'm sure you are) Zopdrop's latest update and it resonates so much. My son (afaik) is not an addict, but the FOG of him returning home is the same. Zopdrop says the fact that he is her son makes a difference, and that is the stumbling block for many of us. Yes if it were a stranger we would not hesitate, I get that. It's not only our own FOG, but the mindset of our disordered children that is entitled, expecting to be helped or rescued that fuels our fear. I fear his reaction, whether it is to get angry, desperate or hopeless/suicidal. I fear his contacting me again, as any response I give (even no response) is read as damaging, wrong, or evil of me in his eyes. He isn't offering much information about his life and I don't want to get into questioning him, as I find communicating with him painful. I'm trying to put a plan in place for if he should return expecting to stay at our house. It is typical that he would not warn us, but just return, but so far he has not contacted us. I'll be sure to reach out if I do hear anything or anything happens! Xx